2 weeks down

Well I am two weeks into my BFL programme, and I have lost 1kg! Yay for me. I must admit I am not overly struggling with it. Sure I get home from work, and I don't want to work out, but I do it, and at the most it only takes me 45 minutes, so really, its just sweet as. The food is not much of a problem. I am eating heaps of fruit, 2 kiwifruit, 1 orange, and grapes each day. When I look at it that way it doesn't look that much, but compared to my usual average of 0 each day, then its not so bad. I have probably simplified the diet somewhat (ie lunch and dinner involve 1 fist size of vege, 1 fist size of carbs, 1 palm size of meat), but I am not trying to be a 'champion', and if it is working so far, its working! Hooray! Heres hoping I keep it up! I am past my 2 week 'fall off the wagon' stage (just).

Not much else is happening - just work, home, sleep.

I tried really, really hard to control my mouth today. Epic Fail! Of course I got roped into a couple of conversations at work today, but went 'arghhhh' at myself afterwards. Will try again tomorrow, with God's assistance of course. I was saying 'Go Away Satan' whenever a nasty thought crossed my mind, but, as I said earlier, he did get in there a couple of times. I even switched off my car stereo today so I could open my mind to God. I need to practice this far more often.

I sure hope my bible arrives soon, I feel like I am floundering with this whole 'discover religion' thing.

Arhhhhh ... home alone

TJ has gone out to the rugby tonight, with Honk and his kids. I guess I could have gone, I think TJ invited me, but I was just a bit too busy getting his dinner ready early, getting the washing in, feeding the chickens (sick chicken appears to be feeling a lot better. I think TJ will have to let them out around lunch-time everyday as she may be getting picked on), doing the dishes, feeding the dog, and down-loading Lightroom 3.0 .... wonder if I forgot anything ...

Paid first installment for website today. Was in a bit of a panic as to whether I would have the full amount in time for the final payment - but way hey hey, the bank 'invited me' to increase the limit of my credit card so I did. Now I KNOW that this is not the best solution BUT it is only incase I don't have the funds to pay for the site fully when required, and once it is paid I will pay the credit card off, AND re-lower my limit. Exciting times, I must admit.

I also went onto VistaPrint and ordered some more business cards (free), car door magnet (free), pad (free), fridge magnets (50 for $50) and a pen (free). It did cost for having the back of my business cards printed ($7.00) and to upload an additional image ($7.00), and free postage - must have been a couple of extra costs because the total came to $75ish I think. Below is the image I used for my magnets.

Carriage driving at Horse of the Year 2010

I did want to use the following image for some things, but unfortunately I have cropped from a larger picture, and so not of excellent quality for printing, apparently. I do love it though, he is such a dude of a pony.

Shetland Pony - Horse of the Year 2010

Time to get folding up the washing now - joy of joys. And it should be early to bed as it is back to work tomorrow (yep thats right folks, starting work on a 'Saturday' - actually technically I should have started today BUT since I had 3 days where I had to go in for training on my days off I had today off as well).

Arghhhhhhhhh I just remembered I was supposed to head into town today and fill my ute up with diesel. Lucky TJ has a tank of it down at the milking shed, better head down there now and fill up!

Dear Lord, thank you for providing me with a reminder to fill up my ute BEFORE I get into it tomorrow at 5.30am and realise that I did not have enough fuel to get to work. Please help me develop my photography business, and thank you for providing the funds with which to pay for my website. Please continue to bless, protect and guide my self, my family, my friends, and my animals. Amen

Temptation - arghhhhhhhhh

Awesome training day today. We learned about pest control for work (I work in the Dairy industry, and since we manufacture dairy products for human consumption, pest control is of the utmost importance). Tomorrow is day two of the course, where we are learning about pathogens. Anywho, the tutors for the course are so nice, that they provide us with bowls of LOLLIES - now this is week two of Body for Life for me, and I have not only had to survive a Pizza Day at work (where I had two slices, and made it my 'free day), going out for lunch with everyone from work, meeting my web designer at a cafe, and now two days of training where they provide lunch (meat pies, quiches, multiple bread sandwiches) and LOLLIES! So I ate my crackers and cheese (and had one mini, tiny, quiche), ate my banana, and I ate 1, thats ONE, lolly - which was a mistake, as I wanted more, but I didn't have any. Sheesh - talk about testing me Lord! Just need to survive tomorrow, and then hopefully I can get back to normal (well as normal as I can get ... lol). I did complete my exercises when I got home, so I'm still doing well on that front.

Awww, just had a phone call from my Dad and Mum. The little rescue dog that I gave them is doing really well. Plus Dad has been out on my old bike, go DAD! And then Mum had a sad story about a funeral she is going to on Friday. It is her cousin Junes son, who died in exactly the same spot as her cousin June (ie his mother) did a few years ago. June skidded in roadworks, as the roadworks sign had fallen down and so she hit them faster that she should have and skidded in the gravel and hit a tree. Not to sure how her son did it, but mum thinks that it might even be the same tree - all she knows is that he was not wearing his seatbelt. Terrible, sad tale. As many people have said before me, treasure all those around you as you never know what is around the corner.

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me this day, with training and further knowledge, with the health of my chicken, with the delicious HEALTHY food that I enjoyed, and for the phonecall from my parents. Please watch over, bless and protect my family, friends and animals. Please bless my fellow bloggers in their dreams, goals and hardships. Amen

Week two of BFL

So week two of Body for Life began on Sunday. I think it is going ok. I hope it is going ok. According to the book I probably won't notice results until week 8, so I just have to hang in there. Hopefully I have my portion sizes under control. I have not eaten a chocolate bar (unless you count protein bars - of which I only have 1 per day on my days off work), and I have not had any takeaways (unless you count a wrap from subway for lunch yesterday which had a wee bit of bacon and cheese in it). I have also completed the exercises everyday (aside from rest day), including exercising after a 12 hour work day! Which is good for me.

I met with my web designer yesterday, so that should be all go now. It is going to cost around $3000.00, but hopefully it will cover its own costs, eventually. I have written down a few goals for myself, such as once a month heading out for a day just taking photos. Attending an event at least once a month. And I am going to go to a local camera club meeting next Tuesday, to see what it is like, as more motivation to get really into my photography. I also 'plan' (this is not written down) to hopefully get a collection of images in the hopes of having them displayed in one of the local galleries or cafes.

Now I am getting the house in order, and I will hopefully have an awesome website which will make it easier to upload photos, hopefully I will really get back into photography full swing.

Patiently waiting for my bible to come from Amazon.com (well as patiently as I can ... lol). Here's hoping I can 'interpret it' - not that I am lacking in intelligence, I am just not sure if I have that kind if intelligence - I'm a scientist, I like things to be 'factual' and easy to understand, I have never been very good at 'interpreting' stuff. Some people can 'read things' in paintings, I can only see what I see, and know if I like it, or not ... lol

And that would be the interesting parts of my life, I had to go into work today for 1.5 hours of training, and I have to go in for the next 2 days for training, at which point I have taken the first day of my new roster off. I sometimes get amazed at the people at work who have no interest in attending training. Sure a lot of them have been there for 10 to 15 years, and I have only been there for 2, so they are probably over it, but I think learning new things and progressing 'up' is what makes it interesting. Crazy that after 2 years I am considered 'senior staff' and those same other people are not. I mean, today I had to go in on my day off, and I did - someone else was 'asked' to go in and they declined. And then they wonder why I get asked to go and do different stuff, and they don't. It has taken me a long time to learn it, but when you get asked to 'do something' by a boss you say YES! Especially when it concerns vocational development.

So life is progressing along quite nicely. The only other thing I really need to begin working on is helping out T more on the farm. I make it tough on myself by giving myself 'rubbish' excuses. And I know how tired T is, and at this time of year having a clean house, clean clothes, and tea on the table is not quite enough for him.

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me with the opportunity to further myself at my paid work, and in my pursuit of a photography career. Please give me the strength and wisdom to help T out more on the farm, and to help me focus on what is important rather than the frivolous. Please continue to watch over and forgive myself, T, my family, my friends and my animals. Amen

All Creatures Great and Small

I went into Paper Plus today, and thought that I might be able to buy a bible, all to no avail, could not see one anywhere. Might have missed it, and too ... embarrassed to ask (NZ is a very non-religious country), so I didn't end up getting one. I keep asking T where his is, but he has no clue. So I have ordered one from Amazon, of course I ended up ordering a few other books as well, ooops! Better write that down in my daily spending accounts before I forget. Oh dear, get yourself back on that financial track MJ, quick smart!

I finally got around to getting my 'bikini wax' done today. 10 weeks since the last one, so a bit ouchy - bikini wax is in ' ' for a reason as she's all bare down there, TMI perhaps, but it is what it is. I actually find it a lot cleaner being hair free, and I have been doing it for about 3 years, so has become the norm I guess.

Also did a HUGE supermarket shop today, just over $300 worth (and when its only the two of us, sheesh). Lots of fresh fruit and veges, and meat too. Our freezer is currently full of roasts and bacon, and thats about it, so got some chicken, chops and steak - num num num!

Body for life is going well. Not too sure if I am eating exactly right, but my portion size is definitely smaller, and now I have begun exercising, I can only be heading in the right direction. And healthy, non-processed food can only be good for me. Not that I ate a lot of processed foods before, just not as many fruits and veges, and, as I already said, PORTION SIZE!

I tried to 'dress-up' for T tonight. Hmmmm none of my skirts fit me, so it was just a smarter than usual top, and my best jeans, and HIGH HEELS - felt a right wally! Shoes hurt, couldn't see shoes under my jeans - doh. At least I tried, and he knew that I tried. Baby steps MJ, baby steps!

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me this day by providing my with the means to have fresh fruit, veges and meat. Thank you for giving me the strength to stick to my diet plan, and the bravery to dress up for T. Please continue to help and guide me on my journey of spiritual enlightenment and self fulfilment and my desire to please and serve T. Please watch over and bless my family, friends and animals. Amen

All things bright and beautiful

Had a great day today, perhaps a bit too much TV watching, but a good day all the same.

Got myself out of bed around 7.30ish, really can't remember. Put away bench dishes, and turned dishwasher on once I loaded up T's morning dishes. Had Bran and Yoghurt for breakie, chucked on a load of washing, and headed out to help T with the calves. I am slowly getting my confidence in feeding them back. Always takes me awhile to get myself sorted, heavens help me when I get the determination up to help T milk again. I know if I get stuck in and learn it I will be fine, but gee I'm so lazy these days that I just don't get out there. And I know that its the bloody TV holding me back, AGAIN. My TV free didn't last long, but heck, easy enough to resume again.

So I did a few loads of washing, potted up a few new and old pot plants, cooked a very nice Roast Dinner (of which I perhaps ate a bit too much of, but not in the same size league of old). Finances are sorted. Dishes are done for the night, and I have the bed to make. And then there is one more day off until work again on Thurs (ooooh and it's payday tomorrow!).

Dear Lord. Thank you for a big blue sky day, which bought many joys. Please continue to bless and watch over T, my family, friends, and animals. Please give me the energy and dedication to provide T will all of his needs. Amen

Day two of Body for Life

I officially started my body for life programme yesterday. I have been eating fairly sensibly for the last few weeks, well kinda - does a chocolate bar a day count? Just a small one? Regardless, I began the programme in earnest yesterday (with Saturdays being my free day). Yesterday went well. 20 minutes on the bike, easy peasy, perhaps a bit too easy so tomorrow I will step it up a notch, and I certainly was not hungry. Today I did upper body with weights. I think it went ok. I bought a small dumbell set, hopefully it will work ok for lower body when I get to it on Wednesday. I was a bit pushed for the final sets of a couple of workouts, and perhaps not quite pushed enough on others, but it was certainly better than nothing. I am a bit hungry today though. Plus, before I started, in earnest, I was not craving chocolate at all (ok, so I had been eating some, but even then I was not CRAVING it craving it), and now, its what I want. I can wait 4 more days until Saturday (actually its only 3, as its pizza day at work on Friday so I'm changing my free day to Friday).

I think I worked out why I have been so down lately. Its mostly because I so desperately want to have children, and I am TERRIFIED that I have left it too late. And when you feel surrounded by people who have kids, well, it just makes me feel even worse. I know I should focus on what I DO have, but. No, NO BUTS MICHA, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO HAVE!

Dear Lord, please help me stay focused on my journey to health and fitness, and also on building my wealth. Please help me to keep calm, and keep my mouth shut and my mood positive when helping T out on the farm, and when I am at work. Please encourage me to focus on positive thoughts at work, and to live in the moment not in the wishes of the past or the dreams of the future. Please continue to watch over all of my family, friends and animals, and give me the courage to go after what I want. Amen

From a couple of days ago

Arghhh, having such trouble with the internet today. I think its Safari, but having no real idea of these things, I could be wrong.

Woke up early yesterday morning, and instead of talking to myself, constantly in my head, I decided to listen to God. What a wise decision! First thing I heard was 'Don't act like a child'. You see, I am currently on a visit back home, and no matter how hard I try, as soon as I am in the presence of my parents and sister, I act like an awful teenager all over again. Ugh! Second thing I heard was 'Keep your opinions to yourself'. Yes, I have to admit it, I am one of those childless people who 'knows' how children should be raised. Its so great to be me, and well, to receive my advice, how lucky are YOU! The third, and final thing, which also covers the first two, was 'Make YOURSELF proud of YOU!' And that sums it up perfectly. Make myself proud of me. So many times I have visited and hated myself on the return journey, due to my immature behaviour. So silly, when one is almost 39 years old! I also determined that I would say 'YES' to any request from my nieces (who can ask) and nephew (who can't yet) to any invitations to play.

This trip, so far, I have made myself proud of me. My sis and her family are all down with a bit of a tummy bug. I cleaned up the house after everyone had left yesterday (and believe me, there was A LOT of stuff to clean). Today I have cleaned up as everyone has gone. The girls and I have played lots of games, watched a Tinker-Bell movie, helped them with Mummies computer, on which Mummy currently plays far too much Zombie computer game - its turned her into a Zombie. Luckily I am outspoken enough to tell her to turn the jolly thing off, sit on the floor, and play a game of Cats Eye with us. And, no, my sis is not usually like that. She is a great mother, who showers them all with attention (usually), perhaps too much attention at times.

Unfortunately, I also possibly overstep the bounds, and ‘discipline’ the girls. Only in the sense of ‘fair play’. G gets told off if she is not giving T a fair go. And T gets told off if she is pushing the boundaries and trying to get G into trouble. I may be old and childless girls, but I am not stupid and blind.

C is a bit of a whinger. I would possibly think he is teething (no expert, obviously, but his cheeks look a little rosy. But he is always whiney. And why? I think it is because my sis and her partner always pay him attention when he is. I tried to say, ignore him, but my sisters way of ignoring him is to tell him she is ignoring him. Yeah, sorry, doesn’t work for me. But as I said, I am rather opinionated and I should learn to keep it to myself.

Focusing on the positive

Work is such a negative environment. I really do not know how to fix it. I was really negative, and I fixed myself, although I do get drawn back into those negative conversations - such and such did this, did that, gets this, I don't get that, wah, wah, wah. I don't even notice that I am being drawn into such conversations. I have told a friend at work to let me know when I am, so I can stop myself. I am trying really hard. And I have a much better attitude than last season. But some people are not happy unless they are moaning about 'poor hard done by me', and I get to listen to it. I do try to say 'its not our problem, let management sort it out', but thats to no avail. The same mournful 'woe is me' topics over and over and over again. I just tell myself, its not my place to judge, and try to get on with life. I will resume my 3pm walks, instead of 3pm afternoon teas, from next week to get myself away from it. I think it is just best for me to nod, smile, and ask God for patience.

On an up side, the 6 of us who did stay until 6pm tonight scored free pizza (left over from a management meeting - more co-worker gripes)! Heck, I love pizza. It was goooooood. And since in a weeks time I will begin 'Body for Life' it might be the last pizza slices for a while!

I have been so good this week! I have begun giving the bathroom a quick swipe with a cloth after my shower the last three days, so it has stayed clean. I have been making sure that the kitchen is clean and tidy every night before bed. My finances are all sorted and up-to-date. And I have NOT watched TV for the last three nights. T doesn't get the whole 'not watch TV' thing, but since I am a major TV addict, it is something I really need to cut. Essentially I will have it on all day, every day during my 4 days off. I have started slowly by turning it off after work (so it is only for a couple of hours, before I go to bed), but a girl has to start somewhere. Some of this may sound bizarre to organised people, but I am not the tidiest so it is a big change for me.

New habits to start next week are - pay more attention to T. Even though I have switched the TV off, I am still sidetracked by the computer (just catching up on emails and blogs - no games or surfing) so T is not getting the best undivided attention that I could possibly produce. And my other new habit will be 'healthy eating' in preparation for 'Body for Life'. Fingers crossed that I can complete this one as I had a work photo today, and talk about hideous! I am so 'unphotogenic' at the best of times, and I am currently at my worst! Bah!

Dear Lord. Please give me the patience and strength to opt out of negative work conversations. Please help me focus on the benefits of my job, the strengths of my co-workers, and the opportunities that are provided to me each and every day. Please bless my family, friends, and animals. Please help lead us all to salvation and peace. Amen.

Promotion and payrise

I got a promotion and payrise at work today, so I am really really over-the-moon! Well obviously - dah! Who wouldn't be. I got called into the lab co-ordinators office and handed a letter, saying that I was going up from a level 4 technician to a level 5 technician, which is a pay increase of around $3500.00 a year, so that is awesome. I am so glad that I have been putting in the effort lately, putting my hand up to do things, and attend meetings that not many others are interested in. And with all of my prayers at recent, well, what can I say, but Thank You Lord! I really appreciate all of the opportunity you have been sending my way, and thank you so much for the reward and recognition.

I also decided last night, when hopping into bed, that today would be a TV free day. And I am pleased to say that this is what I have achieved (given that it is currently 7.58pm and I will be heading off to be around 8.30pm!). Instead I sat at the table, with my beloved, and ate dinner, and actually had a CONVERSATION where I PAYED ATTENTION to what he had to say. I then tidied up all of my finances (I am currently $255 better off this fortnight than last fortnight, and considering I had a couple of big payments then this is AWESOME as well). Long may it continue! And now I am on the computer, checking my emails, reading blogs, and, well, writing this one. The radio station I had on was not pleasant, so I wondered what I could do ... well bright spark, how about an online radio station, and so I am listening to online Christian rock.

I read quite a bit of Champions Body for Life today. And I am going to do the programme. I am not sure if this current book has the complete programme in it, so I may have to search out a secondhand book to purchase. I plan to get started in a couple of weeks, giving myself time to plan daily menus and exercise for the first month. It does look really good, so Lord, please give me the motivation to complete the plan, correctly and well.

Well I have washing to fold (hand dishes have been done, benches are wiped, yoghurt is 'cooking' and dishwasher is on), before heading to bed to read another chapter of The Reason for God, and maybe a chapter of 9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make.

Dear Lord. Thank you so very much for blessing me with a promotion and payrise today. Thank you for showing me the way with my health and fitness, by putting Champions Body for Life in my path. Please give me the strength to continue along this path of enlightenment and fulfilment. Please bless my family, friends and animals in their lives. Amen

Shopping

I headed into Hawera today to buy my nephew presents for his 1st birthday. I asked my sister what he might like, and being the ever helpful person said, aww nothing (I know that between his two older sisters, and himself, they have more toys than a toy library). So I asked if she needed any clothes for him, and she said 'Yes please. He doesn't have many new clothes.' So I got him two shirts and a pair of track-pants. And being the greatest aunt ever, I also got him a little pull-a-long dog that barks and wimpers etc. I also got the 2 girls a book each. This is because at G's birthday everyone gets a Christmas ornament, so its not fair if I don't get small gifts for everyone at everyones birthday. Yes I have dug myself into a hole on this one.

I also bought two pairs of jeans for work, total cost $50.00. This was $10 over my budget, but since I had thought I would only manage to get one pair I am not reprimanding myself over this one.

Chocolate cake

Finally got around to making T (well okay T and me) a chocolate cake today. I had a pottle of cream in the fridge, so before it went to waste I thought that I had better get something whipped up. I forgot that our oven cooks a little hot, so the top burned a bit (well quite a lot). But I just cut the top off, whacked the cream in the middle, covered it in icing, and Waalaaa, one messy, and hopefully tasty cake.

My reading selection

I finally joined the library today. I have decided that while I love to buy my own books, in reality I very rarely re-read them, so that is a giant waste of money (oh I am being SO good with my spending these days). I got two 'religious books' - The Reason for God, and Finding Faith, which will hopefully begin to clarify the 'religion thing' for me. I also got 9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make, which also has a religious bent. I am slowly learning that consciously preventing discord in my relationship is better than trying to fix it when its discord has/is happened/ing. I also got 'A Man is Not a Financial Plan' to help assist me in my finances, and 'Champions - Body for Life' to help me work on my body and mind regarding my physical image.

So I am pretty happy all round. I can not remember if I wrote it yesterday or not, but I am having slight issues with being in a relationship out of wed-lock, now I am exploring Christianity. Even though we are talking about engagement (so obviously marriage) I do feel that I am not living a correct life anymore. I do trust that God accepts the 'pickle' that I have got myself into, and forgives me for it - but how long can I expect it to go on? I also worry that other people are judging me as 'hypocritical' for believing one thing, and living another - but once again, there is only one 'person' who is fit to judge me, and that is the Lord, so I truly hope he does forgive me.

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me today with enough money to buy C birthday presents, me some jeans for work, and just enough to cover 6 months of car registration. Thank you for directing me to certain books to encourage the expansion of my mind and spirit. Please help me with my patience, especially with T. Give me the strength to use my 2 ears to listen, my brain to think and stay calm, and my mouth to speak only when I have something pleasant and true to say. Please continue to bless my family, friends and animals. Amen

Hope that I helped

So C went home today. I really hope that I was able to provide her with some direction on what she should do in regards to her marriage situation. Basically my advice was to get her own personal, secret bank account. While I do not condone women having secrets from their husbands as a general rule, when said husband is addicted to gambling, and possibly alcohol, then I think that a separate, secret bank account is really a necessity. I also suggested that she either get in contact with K (a lawyer who we went to school with and specialised in family law for a while) or go to Citizens Advice Bureau and speak to a lawyer there. At least she will know where she stands, and what she can do should she decide to leave him. Obviously I told her that if she needs to, then she is always welcome to stay with us, with the children, until she can get sorted out. Obviously she has the worries with the 9 horses she owns, and her children, but I am sure that she can get around that. I am also praying for her. I am also praying for her husband N, to wake up and get help. I am contemplating sending her the DVD Fireproof, plus the book, the Love Dare (I think it is called). I can only do this if I believe I can financially afford it, as I am not finished with my copies (and probably never will be, as I do need regular reminders of how I should be behaving).

On a happier note, I am so happy with my spending as of late. Really happy with it, a long long road to go, but its coming up one month of good spending so I am rapt. I have been so good that I have to buy C a present for his first birthday, and I have the cash to do it. I also have enough cash to buy an inexpensive pair of jeans (or 2) for work, as my current ones are on their last legs (excuse the pun). And I should still have some left over to put into my savings account (what I have not spent I put into my savings account, instead of going 'Yeee Haaaaa! Money left over! Lets SPEND IT!'

On that similar vein, having been raised 'Strictly Atheist' and finding myself drawn to God and 'whatever that means', I have been thinking that I need to buy a bible, but this conflicts with my 'stop spending' mentality at present. Then I went 'DOH!' When we were back home last weekend to sort out my rental property, I found a bible in one of the drawers. I didn't grab it at the time as I was in the company of my Atheist parents, and T (who is Catholic, but not practicing), and I did not want to be embarrassed and made to explain myself. Luckily I am heading back there in 5 days time for C's 1st birthday, so I will make sure I pick it up on this trip. To be perfectly honest, this whole religion is SO very confusing. Christian, Catholic, Anglican, Protestant, and who knows what else is out there?! Do I pray to God, the Lord, Jesus? I'm trying Lord for starters. I have tried asking T, as he did go to church as a child, but he is no real help. I think I will start by reading the bible, and see what I think, and go from there. It is a big 'scarey' world for some of us :-)

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me today with C's visit, a gorgeous day, a visit from 'Socks' the neighbours cat, and some time to myself. Please help C in her marriage dilemma, please provide her with a safe path to progress along. Please help N amend his behaviour towards C, to recognise that his behaviours are not only hurting him, but also his family, and to give him the will and the strength to change. Please also bless C with the patience and understanding to assist N in anyway possible. Please also continue to take care of, and watch over my family, friends and animals. Amen

Catching up with C

I finally caught up with C today, after about 7 years! It sure has been great to catch up, but I do feel a little flat. Perhaps it has been too long between visits. Perhaps she now has two wonderful sounding children and I have none so I can not connect on that level. Perhaps I am just overthinking things as per usual. Unfortunately she is having a bit of trouble at home with N. I hope that she does manage to work it out. Tomorrow, before she leaves, I will make sure I let her know that if she ever needs to really get away with the children, then she is always welcome to be with me, where ever that may be. I hope that she has thought a bit about what I have said, in regards to getting her own secret bank account set up, and talking to a lawyer regarding her rights etc. I know it will be hard for her to leave. She has 9 horses, 2 children, and aside from the horses, no 'real' qualifications. I must make a concerted effort to go and visit her at least every 6 months, and to phone her every couple of months. I believe that The Lord may have crossed our paths at this time in order for me to help her, but not pity or shame her. Maybe he has crossed out paths for her to help me. Or perhaps it will help us both.

It was a great day. I had a small bet on C's horse ($5 each way). He came 2nd, so I came out even (covered my bet and the entry to the races, didn't cover the $2 programme, so technically I am $2 down).

And now C and T have gone to bed. C is pretty beat, she had a big day today. T, well he looks pretty beat as well. So I am up kind of watching CSI, but mostly doing a bit of online stuff.

Dear Lord. Thank you for bringing C back into my life today. Please provide me with the wisdom and openess to help her in her life. Please also assist me in continuing contact with her as she is truely one of my best friends in life. Thank you for bringing T into my life, a stable and reliable and trustworthy man. Please continue to work on his beliefs and kind heartedness. Please also bless my family, friends and animals, as I know you already do. Amen

Blog 100

Its my 100th blog today. That covers quite a few years, including years I did not blog at all.

Nothing deep and meaningful today, not that I ever am, but even less so than usual.

Got three photo orders out today. I was only paid for two orders. The order that I gave out for free was for the Taranaki Rally. It was the first approach I have had for rally photos so I decided to give them to them in the hopes I will get future orders from the rally community. They had only asked for the one that they saw on youtube, but I sent them all 12 anyway. It doesn't cost me anything to email them, and it is promotional for me. Fortunately the horse photos printed out clearly this time as well, so I finally managed to get that order posted out. I really need to get a new website, so I might get in contact with S's friend, and get him to design me one.

I made chocolate fudge cake stuff today. The stuff that I can not stop eating. I have eaten way too much, but it is just so damn delicious. I also made Lasagne for dinner tomorrow, I sure hope C eats it. If not, I am sure we can find something else. Because I was making Lasagne for tomorrow, I made mince patties for tonights dinner, with rice and green beans. It was quite nice really. Nothing fancy, not overly delicious, just plain nice.

I asked T when he was going to propose today. He didn't commit to anything, he wants a wedding, I would prefer an elopement, but maybe if I can find a nice, small church we could have a small ceremony. I shall do a bit of a search now to see if I can find a church that I like.

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me today with intimate relations with T. Please forgive me for being unmarried at this point in time, I know you understand my reasonings, no matter how wrong it may be, and I know that you forgive me and I ask for you to please continue to do so until we are wed. Please continue to watch over me, T, my family, friends and animals. Thank you for the direction of my life so far, and I trust in your future journey for me. Amen

Day four!

So today is day four. When you work rostered shifts of 4 12 hour days on, 4 days off, one comes to love day four. I now get to enjoy my four days off.

So far my plans for my days off include feeding the calves (only 4 so far, but there will be plenty more to come), hopefully heading up to see W at some point to find out how he is doing since he broke his neck. Must make sure we take him some DVD's and books. Saturday I have plans to go to the races in New Plymouth to catch up with C, who I have not seen since she got remarried, like 8 years ago. And other than that, just some house tidying, and maybe some gardening. Oh and dog walking. Maybe I will take her to the beach. Will just have to see how the days pan out.

Dear Lord. Thank you for another wonderful day. Thank you for blessing me with work, so the day went by quickly. Thank you for blessing me with T. who had dinner ready for me when I got home. Please help me stay strong and keep to a sensible spending and saving path. And please give me the strength to get physically and mentally healthy and progress on a path to physical and spiritual wellness. Amen

One day to go

Well I only have one day of work to go before I get to my four days off - yay! One good thing about being back on roster is the four days off. The 12 hour days on the other hand are another thing entirely. Hopefully there is only one season to go before T and I move to a larger farm where I can assist him with the milking, calf rearing etc. I will not only pray for this, but also for us to get pregnant, or begin adoption proceedings for overseas children - before I get too old (which is only 1 year away re: child adoption ages!).

Today I had my first aid course. I am glad that I have the opportunity to do these every couple of years as it keeps my skills and knowledge up, plus relevant as things change all the time.

My sore throat is still a bit tender, but hopefully it will let me have a better sleep tonight. I woke up a lot last night with it hurting to swallow. It was pretty good for most of the day, with the course taking my mind off of it I guess.

Dear Lord. Thank you for blessing me today with a great basic first aid course, and for bringing T home to me safely last night. Please continue to watch over me, my family, my friends, and my animals. Thank you for providing me with outstanding food, shelter and all the necessities of life. Amen

Sore throat

I had the beginnings of a sore throat last night. It never really manifest into anything today, just the odd uncomfortable feeling throughout the day. It's really not feeling all that good at the moment. I have taken a strepsils, so heres hoping that that calms it down, and kills off any bugs.

I had a fantastic day at work yesterday. I had to be brave and go to the factory in Eltham, meet up with two guys I have never met, and spend 5 hours in the company of several other people that I have never met. It was so interesting! It was to do with a customer problem we are having with SOS cheese. So I did not only learn about how sliced cheese was made, but the process management need to go through to fix problems. It was an awesome day, and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to experience it. Thank you so much Lord, for giving me the opportunity, plus the drive to accept the opportunity!

T went to Tauranga today, more car parts for the mini sprint. It will be his last opportunity for a while since calving has begun, plus the importer guy is off overseas, so they would not have had the chance to see him for a while either. I hope that he gets to racing this season, as I think last season was hard for him without having any car to race.

Mum txt me today to say that Zara had another good day. Mum took her for a walk along the stop bank, and river. And she was so tired she even relaxed enough to have a wee sleep, so that is awesome.

Dear God. Thank you so much for such an awesome day today. Thank you for giving me the strength to not spend any money, again! And thank you for my upbeat attitude and internal monologue. Please continue to watch over my friends, animals and family, and continue to protect and guide them as you do best. Amen

UGLY

Just had an aha moment. Listening into a radio type forum, which I can't even remember the name of, which was about women/girls and their self esteem and weight and self perceptions. I have always wondered how it was that I became fat, the fat that I currently am. And why can I not fix it? I was always skinny growing up. Then at around 20 I decided to prattle on about being fat, when I wasn't, not even close to being fat. Then at 25 other people seemed to be indicating that I was overweight - which I wasn't. I was around 63kg for goodness sakes! Maybe I was just reading things into comments that I shouldn't have done. A couple of times I was down to 50kg, and then did all the boys like that? Why yes they did. Why for heaven's sakes? Why am I so worried that boys like me? It is because I was/am so ugly that I really didn't think that I would ever get a man to marry me. I still get pained about the time a complete stranger, driving past in a car, yelled out 'great legs, shame about the face', which understandably crushed and humiliated me and provided me with all the proof that I needed to indeed show that yes, I am ugly. And you can't complain about being ugly, because if it is the truth, then nothing can be done about it. Being fat is something I can fix, but if I fix that, I am still ugly!

Until I make peace with myself and my looks, I will never be a happy person.

Dear Lord, I apologise to you for all the pain I have caused you for not loving myself in the image that you have provided me. I know that you would never create something of ugly, and understand that I am something of beauty. Amen.

Back home today

We returned from Waipuk. today, minus Zara. With a bit of heartbreak I decided to leave her with Mum and Dad. I am sure that in the long run she will be better off. I just hope that she does not feel like she has been abandoned twice in the last month. On an upside, wee Socks is currently in for a visit.

Once again I acted like a child, especially with my parents. Just a totally bad habit that I really need to break. I was good with the pruning of the hydrangas, but spoiled brat didn't do much else for the rest of the time. I am not sure how I can go about growing up. My 'natural' reaction is to be defensive, and loud, and obnoxious. I am not even sure if obnoxious is the right term. Rude would definitely be a good term to use. I guess its generally due to my lack of self esteem, which I really need to work on.

May be a good line for a prayer, Dear Lord, please assist me in my quest for higher self esteem. Please help me find the ways to improve my self worth, and to help me work on this every day. Please give me the tools to be more thankful and loving to all of those in my life, past, present and future. Thank you for all you have provided me so far in my journey to self fulfillment. Amen

Awesome day

I had such a fantastic day today. It was the first time I have ever been a part of the interview process, from the other side of the table. I am so pleased that I got given the opportunity to assist in interviews, and I am very glad that I took up the opportunity. We interviewed 4 people, who were all pretty good. Hard to decide as to whether they would fit in or not, but luckily we have temp. jobs going as well, so that is a great starting point for them. I also got a free lunch for doing it, and extra hours worked off, so all in all it was pretty great. When I think that I have only worked at Fonterra for two years and they have invited me to be a part of interviews, (irrespectful of how many staff are currently around) I think that that is pretty awesome.

Today I also got an email from the environmental lady who said that I am able to be a part of the eco-efficiency team, if it is ok with my bosses, so thats pretty cool. I am so glad that I am making an effort to become more involved, as it is definitely making work more interesting, which it certainly needed to be, but was obviously down to my effort and not the effort of the company. Plus I am getting involved with the teamwork toolkit, so busy, busy, busy at work.

And I have now just got a visit from Socks, the neighbours cat. I was afraid she had been picked up in the SPCA raids of the other 'cat hording' neighbour who has been hospitalised, so it is good to see she is still around.

Not to mention I now have 3 sleep-ins as I took tomorrow off of work to head back home to check out my rental property before the new tenants move in. Will also get a chance to see the horses, and see how Zara goes with Mum and Dad. Mind you, she is so cute and full of life now I really don't think that I want to part with her. Will see how I feel on Sunday.

Now that God has got my life going in a fantastic direction, hopefully I can begin to work on my sweet-tooth, weight problem. There is no stopping me now baby!

Unproductive day

I have been so unproductive today. Got up at 6.40am as I had to go into work for 1.5 hours to cover what I need to know regarding interviews tomorrow. It meant that I had to cancel leave for today (well 1.5 hours of it) and I then booked more for Friday, since we need to go to Waipuk to check out the house, and see if we need commercial cleaners and wotnot. Silly me thought that we could head over after work on Thursday, but I forgot I don't finish until 4.30pm because of interviews, rather than 2.30pm, so we will need to head off fairly early on Friday morning (ie 8amish).

Other than that I have only organised my money and paid some bills, leaving me with not very much for the remainder of the fortnight. All will be well again in a months time, as I have my ute registration to pay with my next paycheck. And I am very glad I am actually be conscious of how much money I have, and what I am spending, and on what I am spending. I sure hope that I keep it up!

I also made some coconut ice, of which I have over indulged in and now feel slightly sick. It looks good though.

And I have walked the dogs, twice. Plus rescued a chicken from Zara, who obviously now has the confidence up to chase them - little bugger! I hope she doesn't chase the cats at mum and dads.

Finally I still have some washing to fold up, plus tea to cook. I have watched way too much tv, and basically been not the best kind of person today. At least the house is basically tidy, and I have been maintaining it. I do need to take the next step and really work harder on dusting and cleaning, and getting certain areas in order, such as our bedroom and my desk area. But I am getting there.

RIP Doccy Dog

Mum and Dad had my staffy Doc's put down today. I still remember rescuing her from a skinhead brother of one of my flatmates at the time. Poor little girl was 3 months old and still the size of a 6 week old. For nearly 14 years she has had the true life of Riley. Beginning with a life on a 350 acre farm, then to the beach, and lately walks down by the Tukituki river everyday. I am so glad that T and I went there recently for a week to look after the dogs and cats, so we got to spend some quality time with Doccy Dog, and I am thankful to God for this. I am also very glad that Mum and Dad made the decision to have her put down before she began to suffer any pain or discomfort.

I am supposed to have the day off tomorrow, but I will go in from 8-10am to get the information required for my interviews on Thursday. I only have to participate in 4, so thats pretty cool. I am nervously looking forward to it.

T and I will be heading back to Waipuk. on Friday afternoon, as my tenants are moving out, and the new ones will be moving in the following Friday, so I would like to take a good look at the place before there are new people living in there.

I am currently waiting for a phone call from T. who invited me to the horse event a couple of weekends ago. I am so nervous, because I have a 'fear' of phone calls. Who would know why, but I just have never liked the phone. I much prefer txt and email contact. I am not sure why this is, but until the phone call is over I will be nervous. Its not like I am not articulate, or what ever. Just a form of shyness I guess.

So my head is pretty full at the moment. Dogs, and photography, and work, and T. too.

Momentous Monday

My momentous moment from the week is this shot of our original pound rescue dog of 2 years, hanging out with our newly rescued cocker spaniel of 2 weeks. It is so nice to see how well she has settled in.

Home sick with the bot

Having a sick day today. I really don't like sick days as I find it hard to work out if I am sick enough to stay home, or whether I should go to work and soldier on. Case in point today, I was up from 4am-4.30am with bathroom visits. From 4.30-4.50am I just lay awake attempting to work out if I was sick or not. Got up at 4.50am as I was feeling fine. Had my shower, and was all dressed and feeling fine, then when I was making my lunch I had another stomach cramp and went back to the bathroom. At which point I decided that I wasn't feeling all that well, and decided to take a sick day. Truth be told, by 10am I was feeling much better, but it was better that I did stay home. To justify it further there are a few people who have received letters for having used all of their sick days, and others who use them for days off after a hard nights drinking. So I really don't feel too much guilt. I do just hate having to do it, thats all.

I got to watch Saving Private Ryan today. I think I may have seen all of it before, can not really remember. It is horribly graphic, and very long, and not at all very nice. Hopefully I remember this before I decide to watch it again. I do quite like war movies, but prefer much happier endings. And it was not of a real educational bent, like the one with Bruce Willis the other day.

I have walked the dogs this afternoon, plus given them both a quick brush. Zara got another zap off of the fence today, when down with T. Luckily she just ran straight back home. Its been a beautiful sunny day, that started off with a huge frost. Hopefully Zara decides to lay out in the sunshine a bit, instead of sitting inside the porch. I have taken her jacket off in the hopes of encouraging her to do a bit of sunbathing.

I am really beginning to feel good about my life.

Sad Movie

Watch a Bruce Willis war movie today, set in Nigeria. It is horrible to think how these countries are treating their own people. Makes me want to sponsor a child more than ever. It is just ascertaining that 1. The funds will get through to the child. and 2. It is something that I will want to keep going with, as it is not something one should start without committing fully to until the child is grown and self sufficient.

Mentioned adoption to T this morning, and he said that he would be happy to go to CYFS with me to find out more about it. I think I will find as much information as I can about it first, before talking with T, and booking an appointment with them. I really do need to have more grown up conversations with T instead of focusing so much on the TV, and failing to have any real connecting conversations at all.

So much to work on!

Gotta curb my spending

Well I have been working hard at curbing my spending, up until a few days ago, where I overspent on chocolate, magazines, and other junk foods. I have now begun a record of spending, which covers not just what I have spent that day, but includes a listing of where I have mis-spent, and on what. One hopes that this may make me think a lot more about where each and every dollar and cent is going. I think the old adage is if you take care of the cents, the dollars take care of themselves. I am also going to begin a fortnightly total of my bank accounts. A record of what is in each bank account the day before payday. Hopefully, as I see the amounts in these accounts increase, then I will continue to feel inspired and continue to work hard at my finances.

One thing that will help (providing I DO NOT spend the funds elsewhere) is to purchase cheaper brands, rather than the top of the line. I will make a note where the cheaper brands do not serve me as well, so we can still have nice food, but where it makes no difference (ie handee towels, toilet paper, cling film) then I should purchase the cheaper brand. I was also thinking that if I get 'shop n go' I will be able to keep a track as I am spending, and curb my habits while in the store.

The blogs I am following are also great, as they are inspiring me, and motivating me to be a better person/human throughout. I am proud of the steps I am taking and the progress I am making, but there is still a long road ahead.

I love wireless

Last Saturday before going out to Kaponga School Quiz night - even when I think I look good I don't

We finally got wireless, so now I can sit anywhere I like and play on the computer. I even had a couple of games of chess today (which I lost terribly - but it has been a very long time since I last played a game).

I have had a terrible week with food. Made afghan and anzac biscuits, and ate them. Made more anzac biscuits today, and have eaten two. Ate a large packet of MnM's in the last 2 days, plus a milo bar. I need to work much harder on my diet. Especially since it is whenever I see myself that I get depressed. Arghhhhh at me!

Nothing of interest to write today really. Over the last week I was quite busy. Photographed all of last weekend at the Show Hunter Clinic in Hawera. Have managed to get all of the photos up on flickr. Not sure if I will sell any. Have arranged at work to be the Laboratory contact for the Risk Organism Response Plan. The head of it said that they had it all sorted, so I will just be involved in reviews, but at least it is a start. Here's hoping they have fairly regular meetings. I am also going to be involved in the interviews next Thursday, so that should be interesting.

Zara has been to the vet and had a tooth out, plus they fully clipped her. I went into town today and bought her a fleece jacket to keep her warm until her hair grows out. It will be p to me to groom her every second day to ensure she does not matt up again. I had to tell the vet that she was a rescue and that was how we got her as she seemed to think that I had let her get into that state.

T still has not done his thing and taken a sample to medlab. I just don't know what to do. I would love to adopt but don't know how to approach T about it. We just don't seem all that close at the moment, so perhaps I should work on that first, before anything else! The kitchen is still clean, and I have been making the majority of dinners, so my housewife project is still going quite well. I must take my vitamin B every morning though, as I have been quite tired, and grumpy, and that is not good enough.

Have been doing my best to pray, and be careful with my money. I did have one slip up with my money where I bought way too much junk/lollies on Thursday, but I am definitely getting better.

There is no such thing as a free dog

This is what I look like at work. I don't have to be dressy, as I work in a chemistry lab, but I definitely think I could improve upon it somewhat!

Had another great day at work today. I did get a bit tired, it being Friday I guess, but I made it through with a great attitude. I would love to have a couple of days off but I have organised photographing the next two days in Hawera. Hopefully the weather will be fine, and my photos will turn out well. I get a bit more nervous when someone has actually asked me to be there.

Took Zara to the vets this afternoon. I had no idea how disgusting her teeth and gums were! Yuck. Black teeth, and a giant ulcer. Just plain awful. She is booked in again for Thursday, where she will be knocked out and have her teeth cleaned (hopefully not removed) and they will also clip all of the horrible matted knots off as well. Very lucky I have sold my desk and ab circle pro, as that money should cover the bill. And here was me thinking God had organised these sales so I could begin sponsoring a child. Obviously it was for the dog, and I shall have to save up for the child.

Worked well on becoming a 'perfect' wife again today. Left the kitchen and lounge spotless, and the bathroom very clean as well. Lucky because I forgot T's family were coming over to go to the Mangamingi dog sale. YAY! Plus I cooked tea, rather than have takeaways, to save funds to sponsor a child. I am beginning to feel very grown-up these days. Thank you God

Tidy house, tidy mind

Man, me in my farm clothes again. Hopefully will have a nicer shot or two over the weekend!

I had another great day today. Since I had done the dishes, including putting them away, last night before bed, I had spare time this morning so I cleaned the shower while I was in it (not super well, but it was a start), and I tidied up the lounge, which did not have much stuff in it to tidy anyway. I also cleaned the bathroom last night before bed, just the toilet and vanity. It then shows up all the spots that I still need to clean, but still I am feeling pretty gosh darn happy at the moment.

Plus work is going really well too. I have worked on the cheese bench every day except Monday, and then today I went to a teamwork meeting, which was quite inspiring in that everyone there really wants to work on lab morale (as in entire lab, not just chemistry). Hopefully all goes well and the momentum does not peter out.

Zara seems to have settled in nicely. She has been outside all day, not interested in playing with Stella, but I think that she is just intimidated by her at the moment. I took her for a walk up the hill, and I think that she will get into shape pretty quickly. She is a bit on the fat side at the moment (I know I can't talk!), which shows that even if they didn't care enough to walk her and play with her at least she wasn't starved. She does seem very keen to come inside, but I am sure she will be perfectly happy once she has settled down. Stella might have her nose out of joint a wee bit, but I am sure she will settle down herself soon enough. Plus we are making sure that we give her heaps of cuddles and attention as well. I have booked Zara into the vets tomorrow for a check up and vaccinations.

I am working on building my relationship with God. I saw a trailer, that looked like a speedway trailer today, so I said a prayer for Trent. It was not an overly good one, but it was a start. I did discover that he was on porn sites today, but I am sure that through prayer and belief and faith that this will stop soon enough. I do need to ensure that the changes I am making with myself are permanent and work on this first, but I can definitley pray for Trent, and family and friends at this time too.

Well there are dishes to be done, and washing to be folded, go the persuit of 'perfect' wife. Its funny but cousin L is posting on Facebook traits of a 1950's housewife, and everyone is having a laugh, but what is actually funny is that if we actually treated these as sensible rules to live by there would be far less divorce and discord in relationships. There is no harm in displaying that you love someone by taking care of their needs.

New dog, and one of the chickens layed an egg!

Me and Zara, the 'new' dog. This photo is awful when enlarged, but I get an idea of what T gets to look at daily. Very shameful! But "I'm working on it"

I had a pretty awesome day today. Didn't sleep particularly well, due to Stella barking at goodness knows what, and I just don't seem to sleep well when I have to get up. Doesn't help that I am photographing over the weekend as well, so no hope of a sleep in then either. Roll on next Wednesday ... lol

My day began well, by putting away all of the dishes before I left. It actually makes me feel so much happier when I see the kitchen clean and tidy. I will begin working on the bathroom in the next day or so. Not that there are big tasks, just the vanity and toilet, and shower/bath of course. Work was good. I had a few more companions today so that was cool, but I still got to work on cheese all day, so that was nice to do. Plus I sold my computer desk for $20 so that is some clutter gone, and $20 in my pocket (make that savings!)

After work finished I met L's husband J outside the fire station and collected Zara. She is not the prettiest of dogs, yet! Unfortunately she is a matt of knots underneath. Plus she is quite nervous (which is totally understandable), so once she gets comfortable I am sure she will be a bunch of fun. Poor Stella was dying to play with her, but I think she was just too scared. We took her for a walk down the farm, on a leash of course, and a couple of times she made to bolt. I put my t.shirt in her kennel for the night, so she gets used to my smell, so hopefully that helps. After I locked them up I heard the odd bark, and I thought it was Zara as she is obviously still unsettled. Finally I looked out the window and Zara was in her kennel, and Stella was in her run barking at Zara (not madcap barking, just a couple of quiet woofs). Fingers crossed all goes well, that is for sure. I want to take her to the vet for her shots, and a general going over, and hopefully a trim of all of those knots, poor wee poochy. I hope she comes to realise that she will have an awesome life with us, compared to being left in her kennel and fed only for two weeks!

I just realised that I forgot to thank Trent for bringing the kennel over! Arghhh. I must remember to do so when he gets home from the speedway meeting. I have been working at becoming an excellent 'wife' again today. I did a small load of washing, which is now hanging up on the inside clothes airer. I cooked tea, and did the dishes, and well, I was going to make a pudding, but I just realised that we don't have enough milk. Oh well. I also remembered this morning, that Carrie Underwood sings kind of religious songs, so I put her CD on for my driving today, which was really uplifting and great. I will have a hunt around for some more religious music, as they really do uplift me (both words and tunes).

And one of the chickens finally laid an egg! Hooray!!

Hope my photos upload today

29/06/10 - oh yep, still the same!

28/06/10 - dowdy, dowdy, dowdy, plus T!

With any luck, all my photos will upload tonight. 2 from yesterday, plus todays one. Pretty hard to tell the difference, as I dress the same dowdy way each time. But I am just in my farm clothes, so what the hey!

Had a great day today. Was on my own in Central Chemistry, so got to work at my own pace, on my own thing (well on the tests I had to do, obviously). There were only 4 of us, plus co-ordinator and technician, so I enjoyed it. It is nice being in a small, compact group like that. I think I had a pretty good attitude all day, I am working very hard at it.

Didn't walk very far tonight. Just up the hill race and back. I wanted to talk to R and he was at the shed, so we popped over there and chatted for 10 or so minutes. He is lending me his dog kennel and run for my new dog! Yay! And if T does not learn to love her in the next three weeks then she will be Mum and Dads new dog. She is a 5 year old cocker spaniel, roan blue in colour. A lady from work is giving her up, and by all accounts she really needs to as they don't sound like they are taking very good care of her at all. I am picking her up tomorrow, and I am so excited! *girly scream here* (and I don't do girly screams). I asked R how heavy the kennel and run were, and T offered to shift it for me! My face just cracked into a huge smile.

I have also been working very hard at being a good 'wife' to T. He suspects that it is because I want this dog, but I only found out about the dog yesterday so that is definitely not it. He was pretty grumpy when I got home but I stayed nice and level and calm. He did hurt my feelings at one point, and now I can't even remember what it was about, and I didn't react as normal, I just kept on walking our walk. I tidied up his small mess in the kitchen, cooked him dinner and did the dishes, all with a smile on my face and a happy heart. While he was grumpy when I first got home, by the time he was leaving for Hawera to work on his car, he was in a much better mood, and he helped me get my desk into my ute, etc, so I am very stoked! Normally if he would offer to help me get a desk into a ute I would snap, no, I can do it. But I have to trust that when he offers to do things like that, and collect the dog kennel and run, that it is because he cares.

I am feeling so blessed at the moment. I have begun having small conversations with God, which for a person raised strictly athiest is a big step. I am also contemplating purchasing a bible so I can read and learn more about being a calm, loving, forgiving, and tolerant person.

Scarey photo - x 2

Hopefully, now I have titled this entry 'scarey photo - x 2', I will actually be able to load up the 'scarey photo - x 2. Maybe we have rain fade, or some other similar disturbance.

Anyway, today was my first day back at work after my holiday. I felt pretty good in the morning. Had 15 minutes to spare so I put all the dishes away (dishwasher and rack), which is practically a first. In fact its practically a first that all the dishes had been done the night before by me, so way hey hey to me!

Not looking good for photo uploads tonight. Might try and add them tomorrow if I fail today.

Work went okay. I really need to kick myself in the arse there too, not just at home. I'm working on it, I swear! But, ack, its just so negative there, and I easily fall back into that negativity myself. I must work harder at being positive at work, I must work harder at being positive at work.

Walked Stella for around an hour when I got home, inspite of the weather. I didn't run as the races are so muddy that my shoes would get damaged. I will see how things are tomorrow, but if its like this it might be lucky if I get out for a walk, it is pure nasty out there.

I have been a 'good wife' to Trent today. Wished him a good day before I left, cooked tea, washed the dishes, and have been very pleasant. So I am feeling good!

Managed my first jog - of sorts

Post run and shower. I think I might need to girly myself up a bit for T!

Have been doing extrememly well today. I have been fairly even tempered and pleasant, not perfect but I cannot think of what exactly I may have been grumpy about, except that T wanted Kings Soup Mix in the Bacon and Kumera soup that I made, and I didn't. However that was not a major issue. I even managed to not say anything to T when he mentioned that his sisters entire family were going out to the Mangamingi Dog Sale, all I said was, well, hey, its her choice. So that was great for me. Thinking before I spoke and I wasn't nasty or mean or judgemental. Also when T questioned my 'need' for crackers and cheese, I chose to ignore him rather than argue the point. I think that I may have to say, 'T, I know you are trying to be helpful but criticizing me for eating only makes me want to eat more, so I feel in control, rather than you'. I do have to come up with something he can do that will help me, but I just don't know what that is just yet. I so hate being noticed, but want to be noticed, if that makes sense. No wonder men have a hard time working women out!

I walked Stella twice again today. In the morning T and I took her up to the top of the hill, then right down to the back. This afternoon T went to work on his mini-sprint so Stella and I went for a quick drive out the back and went for an hour's walk along one of the very quiet roads. I walked all the way out, as it was up-hill for the majority, and then I jogged all the way back. On the way back we had to stop and put an opossum out of its misery, which was bloody awful but I am quite impressed that I was able to do it.

I am really enjoying womenlivingwell-courtney's blog. It is really helping me change my focus from so selfish, to thinking about what T might want and/or need and just being a better person, especially around the house. I feel I am beginning to make quite good progress.

I can never come up with decent titles

The after pictures. Still not super tidy, and not how I want it but way better than the ...

before pictures. Aside from a total mess, just not very open or inviting

Here I am today in my 'supermarket shopping' attire. Big stand out is that my hair really needs doing, plus I look like I am standing to attention.

Funny how while I am out walking I can think of so many things that I want to write here, and then when I get here I can't remember most of what it was. So I did walk twice today. The second walk was just the dog and I, so I decided to 'double' what we normally do. Usual walk is either to the back of the farm or up the hill. This afternoon we went up the hill, and then to the back of the farm, plus the two short side races. Stella dog gave me a few looks as if to say 'great how you are taking me on a longer walk mum, but did you have to pick the yuckiest, blowiest, rainy day to start?'

One of my goals in my first post, of this series, was to get my scrapbooking/office type room reorganised and tidied. I made a start today (as evidenced by the photos above). Its still not perfect, but a hell of a lot better than it was. Plus I have decided to sell my old computer desk (only worth about $20, but still, its better than nothing) and my ab-circle-pro as I have barely used it (as evidenced by my current weight and shape). I mean, I should use it, but I don't. It doesn't interest me (I know, its only 3 minutes a day, but blah, I just don't want toooooo! (insert child whine here which I am working on stopping)). So I might be able to get $250-$350 for it (I think it was $450 new - what was I thinking?). All of which will go to assist me in my financial goals. Speaking of which ...

Just watched the Suze Orman show. I must programme into my head when she is on, as she does motivate me. Once I have completed my IR3's I am going to grab all of my bank statements from the last year and see exactly where all my money is going. I know its going to hurt, and I am going to be terribly embarassed, but we 'can not change what we don't acknowledge' (thanks Oprah).

Otherwise I have been in a pretty good mood today. I didn't watch much TV (was going to try to watch none (aside from Suze Orman and The Barefoot Investor), but T had it on and I got sucked in a bit), read a few magazines, walked twice, tidied up, and I haven't been too snarley (a couple of occassions, but I am noticing myself and trying to stop). So I sure do hope I keep it up!

A lot of work to be done

So this is me in all my glamour - that would be my farm clothes that I couldn't be bothered changing. I figure if I am going to attempt this daily photo, then I may as well be daily as 'me'

Drove back from Waipukurau to Eltham today. First off I had to go to the bank (with Mum and Dad - I'm still a child) to sort out my mortgage. It felt good though. My interest rate will be going from fixed at 8.8% to floating at 5.75%. It means that my minimum payments are less, so if I keep them the same then it will reduce my mortgage quicker. Plus I can pay off voluntary amounts of up to $1000.00 at a time, with no penalty. So I plan to pay the exact same amount as I have been paying, but from my wages as well (ie double the amount) so that should work extra fast.

The drive back from Waipuk was, quiet. I thought a lot and was in a pretty down mood - which was not so great for T. I discovered how much of a child I am, in my words and pointing out rediculous childlike things (as in I stopped myself numerous times, but didn't quite catch them all eg a typical one for me would be 'horsetruck' or 'horses'. I mean, come on grow up already! Plus it tends to be in an annoying childish voice - ugh). I also discovered how negative I can be about complete strangers. Again I stopped myself too many times to count, but still had a few slip-ups. I did manage to not get upset at my parents today (even though we were almost late for the bank appointment, as they ran into some people they know on the street so stopped to talk - I tried to keep my cool, and felt that I did pretty good, usually I would have given them a snarl). I also did not criticise T's driving at all, except in Eltham where he nearly pulled out in front of a car, but all I did was 'yelp', I didn't lecture, or say 'what the hell are you doing?' or anything.

The only problems we have had (aside from my depressed silence) is me being grumpy about getting him to cook dinner instead of me for once this week, and him poking me in the arms, and me telling him to stop, and when he didn't, causing a scene because it did actually hurt and he just does not seem to care. I told him that he didn't have any respect for me, and he replied that no, he doesn't. Time will tell if he meant this, or was just being his annoying, mean self (he thinks he's being funny). Hopefully, if I can keep working on myself and treating myself with respect, he will begin to as well.

So I think that I had a pretty good first day. It is good as to how aware I was of my behaviour, and my efforts to change them. Hopefully I will also be able to begin working on being a 'happy' person as well. My grumpy, negativity is certainly draining for me so it must be doubley so for T. At this point in time I really don't know how he lives with me at all.

Here I go again

Its 1.15am and I can't sleep so I decided to get up and wait for the soccer game, and, well, here I go again. I'm now a good 20-25kg overweight. Not nice at all. I seriously do not like myself at all, to the point of bordering on hate. Not just about my weight, but my attitude and outlook is just plain awful as well. Its currently a never ending cycle, I don't like myself so I eat, then I gain more weight, so I don't like myself, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I did not always have a weight problem, certainly not to this extent, until the last 5 years or so. Oh, but I did think I had one, when I weighed 63kg! What was I thinking? I am now bordering on 85kg! And my goal is for 65kg.

My bigger problem is my attitude. I was always short tempered. I was always opinionated. But was I always so hateful and negative? I just have a bad attitude about everything. Even Dad said 'if you are this cranky now what the heck are you going to be like when you get older?' And good point. I am so intolerant! I am just a nasty person. And such a child, to the point I had my sister organise me an afternoon tea like she does for her kids - aged 6, 3 and 11 months. I mean, what the hell is up with that?! Why am I so afraid to grow up? And why, when we went to dinner at Nix tonight was I obnoxious, demanding, 'I'm starving', eating crackers, and my maturity level was below that of the kids.

And yet, in part with that, I don't like to change because I don't like people to point myself out to myself. This extends to always 'hating my job', and too 'shy' to exercise when at home, plus not changing things about myself when I want to. Why is that? Why do I want to be centre of attention in such a negative way, and avoid it when it would be positive? Just plain weird.

Plus I used to love, love, love my animals. And while I still do, I don't play with or pat them very often. 'I don't have time' yet I have plenty of time for the tv, plus I want more and more and more, yet I don't enjoy the ones I have. Instead of enjoying the friends and animals and family I have, I live through facebook with aquaintances instead of real friends. And I talk a lot of talk, with no intention of walking the walk. I am so quick to judge others, when really I am sitting in judgement of myself. I guess I am projecting what I think about myself onto others so 'they are bad' and I am not, which makes myself feel worse as one really can't lie to oneself.

So I don't like myself, at all. In any way, shape, or form. I'm immature, cranky, nasty, overweight, watch too much tv, unsatisfied with what I have, always wanting more, don't save any money, judgemental, opinionated, nasty, childish, messy, untidy, ugly, introverted, impatient, selfish, and generally suck. So what am I going to do about it?

I decided yesterday that I would no longer say mean things about T's family. I don't like him criticizing mine so no doubt he doesn't like me criticizing his.

I am going to count to three and think before responding to people. Including listening more and talking (or interrupting) less. Think 'is this really worth being annoyed about?' 'Am I being selfish in this reaction?'

I am going to blog at least every second day about my progress so I can keep my changes to the fore. Including a daily photo of my life and what I need to work on.

Set goals and post them on my pin board, regardless of who will see it. Plus tidy my scrapbooking area!

Walk or run Stella everyday, aiming for half marathon on October 3rd. Weighloss of 10kg by October 1st.

Work on becoming an adult. Get responsible with my money, and house, and photographic business.

A recent photo where I do not actually hate the image. Me and my babies.

Feeling blerky

Well on the exercise front I have been great. I either ran or cycled for 6 days, then had one day off. Then I ran the next two days before I started feeling 'blerky'. I feel kinda nautious, sickish. Not like I'm going to be sick, just yucky. So I didn't do anything yesterday. Im still feeling a bit the same today, but I did manage to cycle for 60 mins on the indoor trainer when I was feeling not so bad. Now I know I do get a bit like this in the lead up to my period, but, now I can't remember if it lasts for longer than a day, in fact I don't even think it used to last for a day. So maybe I am pregnant. Or am I just not remembering right and I'm not pregnant, just hoping to be. Arghhhhh. Time will tell I guess. I was tempted to go out and buy a test today, but decided to save my $20 and wait a wee bit longer. Fingers and everything else crossed. And if I am preggers I have Mr Kissick to thank as he gave me a parsley plant as a thank you for some horse manure, and apparently when a woman is gifted a parsley plant she gets pregnant! YAY!!