Here I go again

Its 1.15am and I can't sleep so I decided to get up and wait for the soccer game, and, well, here I go again. I'm now a good 20-25kg overweight. Not nice at all. I seriously do not like myself at all, to the point of bordering on hate. Not just about my weight, but my attitude and outlook is just plain awful as well. Its currently a never ending cycle, I don't like myself so I eat, then I gain more weight, so I don't like myself, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I did not always have a weight problem, certainly not to this extent, until the last 5 years or so. Oh, but I did think I had one, when I weighed 63kg! What was I thinking? I am now bordering on 85kg! And my goal is for 65kg.

My bigger problem is my attitude. I was always short tempered. I was always opinionated. But was I always so hateful and negative? I just have a bad attitude about everything. Even Dad said 'if you are this cranky now what the heck are you going to be like when you get older?' And good point. I am so intolerant! I am just a nasty person. And such a child, to the point I had my sister organise me an afternoon tea like she does for her kids - aged 6, 3 and 11 months. I mean, what the hell is up with that?! Why am I so afraid to grow up? And why, when we went to dinner at Nix tonight was I obnoxious, demanding, 'I'm starving', eating crackers, and my maturity level was below that of the kids.

And yet, in part with that, I don't like to change because I don't like people to point myself out to myself. This extends to always 'hating my job', and too 'shy' to exercise when at home, plus not changing things about myself when I want to. Why is that? Why do I want to be centre of attention in such a negative way, and avoid it when it would be positive? Just plain weird.

Plus I used to love, love, love my animals. And while I still do, I don't play with or pat them very often. 'I don't have time' yet I have plenty of time for the tv, plus I want more and more and more, yet I don't enjoy the ones I have. Instead of enjoying the friends and animals and family I have, I live through facebook with aquaintances instead of real friends. And I talk a lot of talk, with no intention of walking the walk. I am so quick to judge others, when really I am sitting in judgement of myself. I guess I am projecting what I think about myself onto others so 'they are bad' and I am not, which makes myself feel worse as one really can't lie to oneself.

So I don't like myself, at all. In any way, shape, or form. I'm immature, cranky, nasty, overweight, watch too much tv, unsatisfied with what I have, always wanting more, don't save any money, judgemental, opinionated, nasty, childish, messy, untidy, ugly, introverted, impatient, selfish, and generally suck. So what am I going to do about it?

I decided yesterday that I would no longer say mean things about T's family. I don't like him criticizing mine so no doubt he doesn't like me criticizing his.

I am going to count to three and think before responding to people. Including listening more and talking (or interrupting) less. Think 'is this really worth being annoyed about?' 'Am I being selfish in this reaction?'

I am going to blog at least every second day about my progress so I can keep my changes to the fore. Including a daily photo of my life and what I need to work on.

Set goals and post them on my pin board, regardless of who will see it. Plus tidy my scrapbooking area!

Walk or run Stella everyday, aiming for half marathon on October 3rd. Weighloss of 10kg by October 1st.

Work on becoming an adult. Get responsible with my money, and house, and photographic business.

A recent photo where I do not actually hate the image. Me and my babies.