"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Thursday, April 26, 2012

IVF bumped up ever so slightly

Well we got the call on Tuesday that our second IVF is getting moved up a month, so we will be doing it in July.  It doesn't really help us that much, Dr S had tried to get us bumped up to May, but there are no spaces :(  The booking lady I talked to on the phone was a bit 'professional' about it, I mean I have tried to explain to them oh so many times that we are dairy farming, TJL CAN NOT get off of the farm at any time from end of July until November as we are calving.  Ummm, they don't care.

This means we get to do our second IVF with frozen sperm.  I know TJL has great sperm, but it does still mean that it is one less thing in our favour.  It also means that I have to get my sister to come with me for egg collection, as I definitely can not drive after that, and you are not supposed to be alone for 24 hours afterwards.  And after our last experience of driving home after egg collection I want to stay in a motel in Hammytown anyway.

This also means that I have to get over this hump I have with my sister.  It's crazy!  Our family just doesn't get like this with each other, and I just don't know what is going on in my head with her.  I don't know whether it is just a jealousy thing because she has the kids that I want, or if it is a deeper 'my goodness she is a selfish moo-cow-moo'.  But even Mum mentioned it the other day, she asked if I got thanked for the easter eggs that I had left for the kids.  My response, 'of course not!'  She is just so involved with herself.  I have also talked to Mum about how sis bends over backwards for everyone but her family (meaning Mum, Dad and I, not her kids).  Arhhhh, I think I am just overly sensitive.  And she knows nothing about how I feel, I'm pretty sure it's just me being a numpty!  The worst thing is that at the moment I can't be bothered seeing her, which means I don't see my nieces and nephew.  This isn't a big thing, it just means that I can't be bothered DRIVING the 3.5 hours for the specific purpose of seeing them, especially since she can't be bothered returning the favour - I think she may have visited twice in 4 years, but she is oh so busy with 3 kids … yadda, yadda, yadda

Ack!  See what complications IVF brings into ones life!

Other than the above, I am still in a really good headspace.  If IVF #2 doesn't work we still have 1 embryo for FET, and if that is no go we then need to make the decision to do either home for life, or live childless.  Will see how I'm feeling as time goes on!  Right now I am feeling perfectly content to take whatever comes.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I just don't remember, and that can be a good thing

It occurred to me today that TJL is one lucky guy.  In fact this guy is so lucky that I just had to tell him how lucky he is.  And lucky for me he agreed, although I suspect there was a tinge of sarcasm in his agreement!

Anyway, TJL is lucky because I just don't remember dates.  Seriously.  I don't have a clue as to what day we met, in fact I couldn't even tell you the year.  Things like that just don't stick in my head.  I could more than likely work out the year if I really had to (well I could cheat as I am pretty sure it is documented in a journal somewhere), but truth be told, I actually don't care.  I don't care how long I have known him.  I don't care how long I have lived with him.  All I care about is that we love each other.  And engagement date, don't have a clue.  I remember it was my one and only snow day off of work.  I remember that I saved quite a few calves lives by wrapping them up in hay blankets after drying them off with towels.  And I think the month was August, or July, oh who am I kidding, I just don't know.  I'm pretty sure it is in this wee blog, somewhere.  But TJL is lucky because, well, if I don't know what the heck the date was, then he is well off the hook for having to get me an anniversary gift.

And it can also be a good thing when it comes to infertility, actually it becomes a double edged sword when I think about it.  What was the date of my last period?  That ones easy!  Its TODAY!!!  Ask me in a couple of weeks, and stuffed if I will know.  I do try to mark it on a calendar so it's at my fingertips, but I don't always remember, so I have to work back and try and remember what day it was and what I was doing when it started. 

BUT  I don't have to suffer through dates of 'if the embies had stuck I would be xx weeks along now', I could work it out I guess, but why would I want to torture myself.  IVF didn't work and life cruises on as per normal for me, I just let it go bye bye.  I don't know whether this is due to my age, or just how I am.  But I do have to say I think it is a good thing, it certainly saves me from wallowing in the whole 'what might have been had 'xxxx' happened'.  

And while I am hung up on the past in a 'I wish I was young and just starting out on my life' kinda way with a twist of 'if I knew then what I know now' added in, I just don't think about the things that have gone wrong which were out of my control in anything other way than a wistful dreamy state.  The 'what might have beens' that weren't because of decisions I made are far stronger in my consciousness than the 'what might have beens' that weren't because of things out of my control.

Perhaps I'm moving on.  I certainly seem to be beyond the desperate 'I want a child, why don't I have a child' and the worst 'I just don't fit in anywhere, everyone else has children and I don't, so I don't have anything in common with them'.  I am actually starting to feel like my old 'childlike' self where I actually went out of my way to be different to everyone else.  And I am starting to feel sorry for people with kids because of their total lack of freedom.  Yes, I am definitely seeing the positives of being child free.

I do think a lot of this thinking is coming from a 'I'm 40 and feeling too old to start a family when so many my age are coming to the end of raising their families', but while I'm thinking it, I'm going with it!

I wonder how long this will last for ...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Happy being childless

It's weird, but currently I am just so happy being childless.  I actually hesitate to write it because I know that there are so many people out there that struggle with it, and I too have wrestled with it, but right now, of this very moment, I am just so content not having kids.


Our house is quiet!  If you go to my sisters (3 kids) or my sister in laws (4 kids) the noise is just incomprehensible.  Seriously, I actually like to leave and have some down time, some quiet time.  If we have kids I won't be able to get that.  And they just demand so much of your attention.  Lets face it, kids are tiring!  And messy!

If I want to go anywhere the only person I have to consider is Trent.  He gets asked if he wants to come - yes/no - we/I get in the car and go.  I can go to the basketball, horse events, the beach and I don't have to pack up someone else's belongings, and sit through a whole lot of 'I'm bored, I'm hungry, When are we going home, I'm bored, I'm hungry, When are we going home …..

All of my time is MINE!!  I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want.  No interruptions.  I can get my work done with no interruptions. I can cook dinner with no interruptions.   I can exercise with no interruptions.  I don't have to plan anything around anyone else (aside from TJL, but that's a piece of cake!) my time is all mine.

So this is all looking pretty selfish, but really I don't care.  At the moment I am getting back into exercise - BECAUSE  I  CAN, and going to the beach, and planning a winter holiday for TWO ADULTS, and we can go anywhere and do anything!  I am actually seeing the positive side of being childless.  Boyah!

Of course, if we get pregnant I will be stoked, and I am sure I will be back to my regular 'why can't we/don't we have kids' whine and rant, but for now I AM HAPPY BEING CHILDLESS!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I have a lovely blog ;)

Awwww, I have been loved with a blog award thanks to BabyCrazyKiwi
Its the Lovely Blog Award

Here are the rules:
1. share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog.
2. write down 7 random facts about yourself.
3. give this award to 15 other bloggers.

As I stated yesterday, I'm too much of a lazy ass to tag fellow bloggers, lets just say check out my blog reading list, they are all lovely!

7 random facts about myself …. hmmmmm

1.  I love, love, love animals but tend to be allergic to them all, most especially horses, which are my favourite animal.  I don't appear to be allergic to my goldfish though :)  Hahaha

2.  I'm really, dang cant' think of the word for it, kinda flip-floppy, flakey perhaps.  One week I will be obsessed with something and then next week I am onto something else.  This week it's surfing.  I am very cyclical with this.  Top of the bunch would be horses, surfing, photography, farming, horse racing, basketball.  Photography is a bit different now I earn my meager income from it, so that I am at constantly.  Each time I get back onto one of my 'things' I always ask myself why did I ever stop doing that.  Bear in mind stuff like the surfing I don't actually DO, I just like going to the beach and hanging out, read Surfing magazines, photograph people who are actually doing it … lol  Yep I think FLAKE sums it up quite nicely!

3.  Being overweight has knocked my confidence for 6.  Seriously, I just don't want to socialise with anyone.  That also might be to do with the fact I am a bit of a hermit, and think that living far, far, far away from society would be my ideal, but that now competes with my 'I wanna surf' obsession of the moment which has created a 'can we find a farm on the coast?' mentality. See, flip-floppy flakey.

4.  I am incredibly immature.  It annoys the heck out of TJL.  I think it is because we have no kids so I don't actually have to be mature, as I am not a roll model for anyone.  And I'm talking seriously immature, poke my tongue out, pretend punch TJL in the gut all.the.time.  Talk, sing, vocalise REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, LOUDLY.  Super annoying!!

5.  The things that I do that annoy even me are:- I sometimes say 'Hi' to TJL in this whiney, gosh awful voice.  It's so awful that even I hate it.  I have a quick temper, over the stupidest things.  And I am just whiney full stop.  I really, really, really need to work on it!

6.  Uuummmmmmm

7.  Looks like I can only come up with 5 random things!  Bahahaha

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tag! I'm it.

Sass from (In)Fertility Unexplained tagged me with a set of 11 questions.  Now I am supposed to then pass this on, but I'm going to be a lazy ass and not tag anyone :)  I know, I'm a terrible person!

So my here are my answers to Sass' 11 questions:

  1. Where did you grow up and how did it shape you?  I was born in Central Hawke's Bay, New Zealand but we left there when I was around 2 so was raised in the Waikato mostly.  Funny thing is I always thought of Hawke's Bay as home because Ma n Pa always talked about it as home.  Ma, Pa and Sis all live in Central HB now, so thats what I refer to as home.  And now I am so far off of topic.  Anyway I grew up in the Waikato, and it shaped me … hmmmmm … I'm not really sure.  It definitely nurtured my love of horses, and gave me my best friend C, but I don't think I ever felt grounded there, and I have moved around A LOT since.  I like the idea of family connections to places, but they have all since gone so I don't really feel like I have much of a connection to any region.
  2. Do you have any siblings?  I have one older sister, N.  She is two years older.  Has 3 kidlets, who just rock my world (when I get to see them).
  3. What was your first job?  My first job was during high school where I picked berries as a summer job.  I only did it for one summer as I absolutely despised it!  Second job was on a thoroughbred racehorse stud, and I loved it!
  4. If you've lived more than one place, what was your favorite home?  I have lived pretty much over most of NZ.  My favourite home was way out the back of Hawke's Bay, awesome farm that my parents owned.  Love, love, loved it there.  The more isolated the better in my opinion!  Probably the one place I have felt a connection to.
  5. Where and when did you meet your partner? After 'meeting' via an online dating service, I met TJL in person in a wee town called Bulls, about 5.5 years ago - I think it was … I never remember the details of such things.  I do remember forcing down a green bean fritata that I thought the cafe would heat up, but didn't, so it was cold …. ewwwwww
  6. If you could return to school to study something different, what would it be?  Jeepers.  I am always interested in different things and so my mind changes all. the. time.  I probably should have stuck with my first choice that I didn't continue with, which was Child Psychology.  Or I should have ignored my mother and gone to Arts school for my photography.  Or I should have ignored my parents advice and just gone horses all the way.  Or I should taken my mothers advice and studied Agricultural science.  Or ...
  7. What was your favorite vacation? All of my overseas vacations have been fab.  Aussie a couple of times, Bali, and Fiji.  Every time I go away with TJL is fab, he is so low key and relaxed, which is awesome (can be infuriating at times, but mostly its great).
  8. If you could recommend one book, what would it be?  Gosh, Soul Surfer by Bethany Hamilton, just because it is in the foremost of my mind at the moment.
  9. When did you know that adding a child to your family wouldn't be easy?  Always kind of had an inkling I guess.  Mostly knew when, after a year of trying, nothing was happening.  
  10. What is your diagnosis? I have lazy folicles - they grow to about 9mm, and then hang out on the couch eating chips, drinking coke and watching old movies instead of putting the effort in to get to the 20mm required.  Lazy little buggers!  I am also old (40).
  11. If you could give one piece of advice to the person you were when you were just starting your IF journey, what would it be?  Tough question.  Hmmmmm.  Don't put you life on 'hold' because you 'might' get pregnant.  Live your life to the fullest, don't hold back, and if you get pregnant THEN alter your path.  A lot of months (or years) can get wasted otherwise.  
Thanks Sass!  I enjoyed that!  Very therapeutic!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Short term pain, long term gain

This is my new philosophy on life - Short term pain, long term gain.  I am such a flawed individual, and probably quite typical of many people.  I don't put off, or deprive myself of, what I want NOW so I can attain what I really want in the FUTURE.  Do I want to lose weight?  Yes!  Do I want to each an ice-cream now?  Yes!  And what do I do?  I eat the ice-cream.  One won't hurt, will it?  And I really want it!  I will deprive myself of yummy food starting tomorrow.   Bah ha ha ha ha …. Yeah Right!  Do I want an expensive lens for my camera?  Yes!  Do I want that magazine now?  Yes!  And what do I do?  I buy the magazine, because I really, really want it, and it gets added to my pile of already UNREAD magazines - I will get to them soon, really I will, I will.  Bah ha ha ha haaaaa …. Yeah Right!

So now I tell myself 'Short term pain, long term gain'.  Cycling an extra 15 minutes on the indoor bike in the morning hurts my legs, but I am now looking at the long term gain!  15 minutes now saves me 15 minutes (or longer) of hard work in the future!  Deleting emails from companies that have 'Special deals on' before reading them isn't really painful at all, and it is stopping me from spending my hard earned low income on stuff that I don't need.  The real test on this one will be when I am in town and am faced with the decisions there in the shop.

Hang tough MJJ!  Hang tough and reach those long term goals for the first time in your life!!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Take a step back and think!

Confession time.  Last night I caught the end of Never Say Never - the Justin Bieber doco movie, and you know what?  I actually like the guy.  I had very much pre-judged him without really knowing anything about him.  And only a pre-judge as an oldie does - 'he looks like he's 12'  'how can he sing about love, he's to young to know anything about it' … you know, lame-o judgmental stuff just because t(w)eenage girls scream and deep down I wish I was still that young (is that confession number 2?  Hahaha).  Anyway, having watched Never Say Never in its entirety today, and seeing how excited the girls in the audience were, and knowing that One Direction are on their way to NZ, and knowing that my niece has a poster on her wall, I decided to check out ticket prices.

Yes, ok, they are sold out BUT they are releasing some more tickets tomorrow and the price???

$93 and change!

So, at that price I won't be taking anyone.  If I was still working and earning comfortable $$$ then I probably would have, but since I'm not, I'm not.  And so I posted it onto my sisters Facebook wall.  This is how it went.

Me on sisters wall - I just looked up tickets for one direction, thinking I could take G and T, then I found out the tickets (that will be available from tomorrow) are in the $93 category!
    • Cousin - Why oh why would you even consider subjecting yourself to that Micha? You must be either the nicest or the craziest Aunty EVER!!!
      3 hours ago · 
    • Me - Certainly won't be subjecting myself to it at that price … lol And I vote craziest :)
      3 hours ago · 
    • Cousin - I wouldnt go to that even if they paid me $93!!! Listneing to the band would be painful enough, but all those little girls screaming??!! NO THANKYOU!!!!
      3 hours ago · 
    • Me - Yeah, but its fun watching them all have a good time and freaking out
      3 hours ago · 
    • Cousin
      Cousin - I was at the movies with daughter yesterday and they played the tiniest bit of a 1D song, and this girl literaly SCREACHED as loud as a boeing 747 at the first note and then giggled hysterically V loud for the rest of it, painful was not the word.. imagine that x100,000,000!!!!
    • Sister - Yup - at least the CD doesn't come with screaming, although there was a bit of that going on the other night when they were watching 'The Kids Choice Awards' :) Maybe a DVD would suffice :) Don't want them getting into the concert scene just yet, they are bloody expensive!
    • Sister -  Lil sis, I can just see you at a tweeny bopper concert. I think if you did it once, you would never go to another one again :)
    • Cousin - I actually think Micha fancies them and wants an excuse to go!!!!

At this point I totally wanted to write - well cousin dearest, that does not surprise me in the slightest considering you are so selfish you did not even buy your own children an Easter egg, and while you work on your bloody assignments that you constantly post about, your 9 year old daughter makes you cups of tea and raises your 18 month old.  Not to mention that your latest post was about making vodka jello shots, and the fact you are off again this weekend to some drunken party, you selfish moo.

And you sister dear, I would hardly describe One Direction (who in my opinion are the next step up from the Wiggles) as being 'the concert scene'.  I think that there will be a ton of parents with their girls, and bunches of older teen girls too.  Not the drugged, drunk, vomiting 'concert scene' which is the norm.  Not to mention that you messaged me last week with a whole 'we are too broke for me and the kids to drive the 3.5 hours to your house to stay for a week over the holidays.  Maybe we will come in July'.  Gee, thanks for making yet another big fat zero effort for me big sis!  Don't think we will be here in July, so sorry!

And seriously, both cousin and sister act like, just because I don't have kids of my own that I am too stupid to realise how loud the screaming will be.  Honestly!  I am not that dumb.  It was just because I thought that it was something that the girls would LOVE to do, and knowing how excited they would be - but anyway, moot point because it is way too expensive.

But I didn't write anything further (as you can see above).  Sister and cousin had a good time, liking each others posts, but I'm just eye-rolling their little 'motherhood unity parade'.  I got my back-up pretty good though, here I was just trying to be 'nice' and I get the 'you are such a joke' treatment.  Now, I know I am being over sensitive, which is why I did not write what I really wanted to, and more often than not I would just laugh it off, but not today for some reason.

And so, taking a step back and thinking about it, once again its pure jealousy.  I just wish that I had children that I could do things with.  I just wish that I fit in.  I just wish this infertility journey was over so I can begin to live again, live with joy rather than just functioning.  And by this I don't mean that children will complete me, I mean that a decision has been made and we are now living childless, or with our biological children, or foster children.  I just need the uncertainty to be over.


Whine over!

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, yes, yes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Don't get me wrong, I still have around 3000 photos to sort, but that is down from around 12000, so I'm feeling great!  So great in fact, I am having a wee break tonight to catch up on other aspects of my life, like my blog!

We had our review appointment with Fert. Ass. Dr last Tuesday.  It went well, and the Dr confirmed everything that I was thinking.  So he is going to try and have our next IVF moved forward to May, as if it stays in August it means we have to freeze TJL's sperm because during Spring there is no way that he can get off the farm.  Fingers crossed it gets moved forward, which then, however, puts pressure on me to lose weight a little faster, which is a good thing!  I only have to lose a couple of kgs, (I do want to lose more), but man are they being stubborn little suckers!  I seriously do not think that I eat that much during the day, no where near to the amounts that I used to.  And I am cycling daily, plus walking the dog.  It's gotta budge this weight sometime soon - yes, ok, I do expect miracles in a couple of weeks.

The Dr also confirmed that we are best to do IVF before using our frostie.  This is because, if our frostie actually worked, we would lose our free IVF as I would be too old.  Thus the plan to use the free IVF, and then the frostie was correct.

And that, other than photos, photos, photos, is all I have really managed to achieve over the last few weeks!

Off to read and catch up on some blogs!