"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tidy house, tidy mind

Man, me in my farm clothes again. Hopefully will have a nicer shot or two over the weekend!

I had another great day today. Since I had done the dishes, including putting them away, last night before bed, I had spare time this morning so I cleaned the shower while I was in it (not super well, but it was a start), and I tidied up the lounge, which did not have much stuff in it to tidy anyway. I also cleaned the bathroom last night before bed, just the toilet and vanity. It then shows up all the spots that I still need to clean, but still I am feeling pretty gosh darn happy at the moment.
Plus work is going really well too. I have worked on the cheese bench every day except Monday, and then today I went to a teamwork meeting, which was quite inspiring in that everyone there really wants to work on lab morale (as in entire lab, not just chemistry). Hopefully all goes well and the momentum does not peter out.
Zara seems to have settled in nicely. She has been outside all day, not interested in playing with Stella, but I think that she is just intimidated by her at the moment. I took her for a walk up the hill, and I think that she will get into shape pretty quickly. She is a bit on the fat side at the moment (I know I can't talk!), which shows that even if they didn't care enough to walk her and play with her at least she wasn't starved. She does seem very keen to come inside, but I am sure she will be perfectly happy once she has settled down. Stella might have her nose out of joint a wee bit, but I am sure she will settle down herself soon enough. Plus we are making sure that we give her heaps of cuddles and attention as well. I have booked Zara into the vets tomorrow for a check up and vaccinations.
I am working on building my relationship with God. I saw a trailer, that looked like a speedway trailer today, so I said a prayer for Trent. It was not an overly good one, but it was a start. I did discover that he was on porn sites today, but I am sure that through prayer and belief and faith that this will stop soon enough. I do need to ensure that the changes I am making with myself are permanent and work on this first, but I can definitley pray for Trent, and family and friends at this time too.
Well there are dishes to be done, and washing to be folded, go the persuit of 'perfect' wife. Its funny but cousin L is posting on Facebook traits of a 1950's housewife, and everyone is having a laugh, but what is actually funny is that if we actually treated these as sensible rules to live by there would be far less divorce and discord in relationships. There is no harm in displaying that you love someone by taking care of their needs.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

New dog, and one of the chickens layed an egg!

Me and Zara, the 'new' dog. This photo is awful when enlarged, but I get an idea of what T gets to look at daily. Very shameful! But "I'm working on it"

I had a pretty awesome day today. Didn't sleep particularly well, due to Stella barking at goodness knows what, and I just don't seem to sleep well when I have to get up. Doesn't help that I am photographing over the weekend as well, so no hope of a sleep in then either. Roll on next Wednesday ... lol

My day began well, by putting away all of the dishes before I left. It actually makes me feel so much happier when I see the kitchen clean and tidy. I will begin working on the bathroom in the next day or so. Not that there are big tasks, just the vanity and toilet, and shower/bath of course. Work was good. I had a few more companions today so that was cool, but I still got to work on cheese all day, so that was nice to do. Plus I sold my computer desk for $20 so that is some clutter gone, and $20 in my pocket (make that savings!)

After work finished I met L's husband J outside the fire station and collected Zara. She is not the prettiest of dogs, yet! Unfortunately she is a matt of knots underneath. Plus she is quite nervous (which is totally understandable), so once she gets comfortable I am sure she will be a bunch of fun. Poor Stella was dying to play with her, but I think she was just too scared. We took her for a walk down the farm, on a leash of course, and a couple of times she made to bolt. I put my t.shirt in her kennel for the night, so she gets used to my smell, so hopefully that helps. After I locked them up I heard the odd bark, and I thought it was Zara as she is obviously still unsettled. Finally I looked out the window and Zara was in her kennel, and Stella was in her run barking at Zara (not madcap barking, just a couple of quiet woofs). Fingers crossed all goes well, that is for sure. I want to take her to the vet for her shots, and a general going over, and hopefully a trim of all of those knots, poor wee poochy. I hope she comes to realise that she will have an awesome life with us, compared to being left in her kennel and fed only for two weeks!

I just realised that I forgot to thank Trent for bringing the kennel over! Arghhh. I must remember to do so when he gets home from the speedway meeting. I have been working at becoming an excellent 'wife' again today. I did a small load of washing, which is now hanging up on the inside clothes airer. I cooked tea, and did the dishes, and well, I was going to make a pudding, but I just realised that we don't have enough milk. Oh well. I also remembered this morning, that Carrie Underwood sings kind of religious songs, so I put her CD on for my driving today, which was really uplifting and great. I will have a hunt around for some more religious music, as they really do uplift me (both words and tunes).

And one of the chickens finally laid an egg! Hooray!!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hope my photos upload today

29/06/10 - oh yep, still the same!

28/06/10 - dowdy, dowdy, dowdy, plus T!

With any luck, all my photos will upload tonight. 2 from yesterday, plus todays one. Pretty hard to tell the difference, as I dress the same dowdy way each time. But I am just in my farm clothes, so what the hey!
Had a great day today. Was on my own in Central Chemistry, so got to work at my own pace, on my own thing (well on the tests I had to do, obviously). There were only 4 of us, plus co-ordinator and technician, so I enjoyed it. It is nice being in a small, compact group like that. I think I had a pretty good attitude all day, I am working very hard at it.
Didn't walk very far tonight. Just up the hill race and back. I wanted to talk to R and he was at the shed, so we popped over there and chatted for 10 or so minutes. He is lending me his dog kennel and run for my new dog! Yay! And if T does not learn to love her in the next three weeks then she will be Mum and Dads new dog. She is a 5 year old cocker spaniel, roan blue in colour. A lady from work is giving her up, and by all accounts she really needs to as they don't sound like they are taking very good care of her at all. I am picking her up tomorrow, and I am so excited! *girly scream here* (and I don't do girly screams). I asked R how heavy the kennel and run were, and T offered to shift it for me! My face just cracked into a huge smile.
I have also been working very hard at being a good 'wife' to T. He suspects that it is because I want this dog, but I only found out about the dog yesterday so that is definitely not it. He was pretty grumpy when I got home but I stayed nice and level and calm. He did hurt my feelings at one point, and now I can't even remember what it was about, and I didn't react as normal, I just kept on walking our walk. I tidied up his small mess in the kitchen, cooked him dinner and did the dishes, all with a smile on my face and a happy heart. While he was grumpy when I first got home, by the time he was leaving for Hawera to work on his car, he was in a much better mood, and he helped me get my desk into my ute, etc, so I am very stoked! Normally if he would offer to help me get a desk into a ute I would snap, no, I can do it. But I have to trust that when he offers to do things like that, and collect the dog kennel and run, that it is because he cares.
I am feeling so blessed at the moment. I have begun having small conversations with God, which for a person raised strictly athiest is a big step. I am also contemplating purchasing a bible so I can read and learn more about being a calm, loving, forgiving, and tolerant person.

Scarey photo - x 2

Hopefully, now I have titled this entry 'scarey photo - x 2', I will actually be able to load up the 'scarey photo - x 2. Maybe we have rain fade, or some other similar disturbance.

Anyway, today was my first day back at work after my holiday. I felt pretty good in the morning. Had 15 minutes to spare so I put all the dishes away (dishwasher and rack), which is practically a first. In fact its practically a first that all the dishes had been done the night before by me, so way hey hey to me!

Not looking good for photo uploads tonight. Might try and add them tomorrow if I fail today.

Work went okay. I really need to kick myself in the arse there too, not just at home. I'm working on it, I swear! But, ack, its just so negative there, and I easily fall back into that negativity myself. I must work harder at being positive at work, I must work harder at being positive at work.

Walked Stella for around an hour when I got home, inspite of the weather. I didn't run as the races are so muddy that my shoes would get damaged. I will see how things are tomorrow, but if its like this it might be lucky if I get out for a walk, it is pure nasty out there.

I have been a 'good wife' to Trent today. Wished him a good day before I left, cooked tea, washed the dishes, and have been very pleasant. So I am feeling good!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Managed my first jog - of sorts

Post run and shower. I think I might need to girly myself up a bit for T!

Have been doing extrememly well today. I have been fairly even tempered and pleasant, not perfect but I cannot think of what exactly I may have been grumpy about, except that T wanted Kings Soup Mix in the Bacon and Kumera soup that I made, and I didn't. However that was not a major issue. I even managed to not say anything to T when he mentioned that his sisters entire family were going out to the Mangamingi Dog Sale, all I said was, well, hey, its her choice. So that was great for me. Thinking before I spoke and I wasn't nasty or mean or judgemental. Also when T questioned my 'need' for crackers and cheese, I chose to ignore him rather than argue the point. I think that I may have to say, 'T, I know you are trying to be helpful but criticizing me for eating only makes me want to eat more, so I feel in control, rather than you'. I do have to come up with something he can do that will help me, but I just don't know what that is just yet. I so hate being noticed, but want to be noticed, if that makes sense. No wonder men have a hard time working women out!
I walked Stella twice again today. In the morning T and I took her up to the top of the hill, then right down to the back. This afternoon T went to work on his mini-sprint so Stella and I went for a quick drive out the back and went for an hour's walk along one of the very quiet roads. I walked all the way out, as it was up-hill for the majority, and then I jogged all the way back. On the way back we had to stop and put an opossum out of its misery, which was bloody awful but I am quite impressed that I was able to do it.
I am really enjoying womenlivingwell-courtney's blog. It is really helping me change my focus from so selfish, to thinking about what T might want and/or need and just being a better person, especially around the house. I feel I am beginning to make quite good progress.

I can never come up with decent titles

The after pictures. Still not super tidy, and not how I want it but way better than the ...

before pictures. Aside from a total mess, just not very open or inviting

Here I am today in my 'supermarket shopping' attire. Big stand out is that my hair really needs doing, plus I look like I am standing to attention.

Funny how while I am out walking I can think of so many things that I want to write here, and then when I get here I can't remember most of what it was. So I did walk twice today. The second walk was just the dog and I, so I decided to 'double' what we normally do. Usual walk is either to the back of the farm or up the hill. This afternoon we went up the hill, and then to the back of the farm, plus the two short side races. Stella dog gave me a few looks as if to say 'great how you are taking me on a longer walk mum, but did you have to pick the yuckiest, blowiest, rainy day to start?'
One of my goals in my first post, of this series, was to get my scrapbooking/office type room reorganised and tidied. I made a start today (as evidenced by the photos above). Its still not perfect, but a hell of a lot better than it was. Plus I have decided to sell my old computer desk (only worth about $20, but still, its better than nothing) and my ab-circle-pro as I have barely used it (as evidenced by my current weight and shape). I mean, I should use it, but I don't. It doesn't interest me (I know, its only 3 minutes a day, but blah, I just don't want toooooo! (insert child whine here which I am working on stopping)). So I might be able to get $250-$350 for it (I think it was $450 new - what was I thinking?). All of which will go to assist me in my financial goals. Speaking of which ...
Just watched the Suze Orman show. I must programme into my head when she is on, as she does motivate me. Once I have completed my IR3's I am going to grab all of my bank statements from the last year and see exactly where all my money is going. I know its going to hurt, and I am going to be terribly embarassed, but we 'can not change what we don't acknowledge' (thanks Oprah).
Otherwise I have been in a pretty good mood today. I didn't watch much TV (was going to try to watch none (aside from Suze Orman and The Barefoot Investor), but T had it on and I got sucked in a bit), read a few magazines, walked twice, tidied up, and I haven't been too snarley (a couple of occassions, but I am noticing myself and trying to stop). So I sure do hope I keep it up!

Friday, June 25, 2010

A lot of work to be done

So this is me in all my glamour - that would be my farm clothes that I couldn't be bothered changing. I figure if I am going to attempt this daily photo, then I may as well be daily as 'me'
Drove back from Waipukurau to Eltham today. First off I had to go to the bank (with Mum and Dad - I'm still a child) to sort out my mortgage. It felt good though. My interest rate will be going from fixed at 8.8% to floating at 5.75%. It means that my minimum payments are less, so if I keep them the same then it will reduce my mortgage quicker. Plus I can pay off voluntary amounts of up to $1000.00 at a time, with no penalty. So I plan to pay the exact same amount as I have been paying, but from my wages as well (ie double the amount) so that should work extra fast.
The drive back from Waipuk was, quiet. I thought a lot and was in a pretty down mood - which was not so great for T. I discovered how much of a child I am, in my words and pointing out rediculous childlike things (as in I stopped myself numerous times, but didn't quite catch them all eg a typical one for me would be 'horsetruck' or 'horses'. I mean, come on grow up already! Plus it tends to be in an annoying childish voice - ugh). I also discovered how negative I can be about complete strangers. Again I stopped myself too many times to count, but still had a few slip-ups. I did manage to not get upset at my parents today (even though we were almost late for the bank appointment, as they ran into some people they know on the street so stopped to talk - I tried to keep my cool, and felt that I did pretty good, usually I would have given them a snarl). I also did not criticise T's driving at all, except in Eltham where he nearly pulled out in front of a car, but all I did was 'yelp', I didn't lecture, or say 'what the hell are you doing?' or anything.
The only problems we have had (aside from my depressed silence) is me being grumpy about getting him to cook dinner instead of me for once this week, and him poking me in the arms, and me telling him to stop, and when he didn't, causing a scene because it did actually hurt and he just does not seem to care. I told him that he didn't have any respect for me, and he replied that no, he doesn't. Time will tell if he meant this, or was just being his annoying, mean self (he thinks he's being funny). Hopefully, if I can keep working on myself and treating myself with respect, he will begin to as well.

So I think that I had a pretty good first day. It is good as to how aware I was of my behaviour, and my efforts to change them. Hopefully I will also be able to begin working on being a 'happy' person as well. My grumpy, negativity is certainly draining for me so it must be doubley so for T. At this point in time I really don't know how he lives with me at all.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Here I go again

Its 1.15am and I can't sleep so I decided to get up and wait for the soccer game, and, well, here I go again. I'm now a good 20-25kg overweight. Not nice at all. I seriously do not like myself at all, to the point of bordering on hate. Not just about my weight, but my attitude and outlook is just plain awful as well. Its currently a never ending cycle, I don't like myself so I eat, then I gain more weight, so I don't like myself, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I did not always have a weight problem, certainly not to this extent, until the last 5 years or so. Oh, but I did think I had one, when I weighed 63kg! What was I thinking? I am now bordering on 85kg! And my goal is for 65kg.

My bigger problem is my attitude. I was always short tempered. I was always opinionated. But was I always so hateful and negative? I just have a bad attitude about everything. Even Dad said 'if you are this cranky now what the heck are you going to be like when you get older?' And good point. I am so intolerant! I am just a nasty person. And such a child, to the point I had my sister organise me an afternoon tea like she does for her kids - aged 6, 3 and 11 months. I mean, what the hell is up with that?! Why am I so afraid to grow up? And why, when we went to dinner at Nix tonight was I obnoxious, demanding, 'I'm starving', eating crackers, and my maturity level was below that of the kids.

And yet, in part with that, I don't like to change because I don't like people to point myself out to myself. This extends to always 'hating my job', and too 'shy' to exercise when at home, plus not changing things about myself when I want to. Why is that? Why do I want to be centre of attention in such a negative way, and avoid it when it would be positive? Just plain weird.

Plus I used to love, love, love my animals. And while I still do, I don't play with or pat them very often. 'I don't have time' yet I have plenty of time for the tv, plus I want more and more and more, yet I don't enjoy the ones I have. Instead of enjoying the friends and animals and family I have, I live through facebook with aquaintances instead of real friends. And I talk a lot of talk, with no intention of walking the walk. I am so quick to judge others, when really I am sitting in judgement of myself. I guess I am projecting what I think about myself onto others so 'they are bad' and I am not, which makes myself feel worse as one really can't lie to oneself.

So I don't like myself, at all. In any way, shape, or form. I'm immature, cranky, nasty, overweight, watch too much tv, unsatisfied with what I have, always wanting more, don't save any money, judgemental, opinionated, nasty, childish, messy, untidy, ugly, introverted, impatient, selfish, and generally suck. So what am I going to do about it?

I decided yesterday that I would no longer say mean things about T's family. I don't like him criticizing mine so no doubt he doesn't like me criticizing his.

I am going to count to three and think before responding to people. Including listening more and talking (or interrupting) less. Think 'is this really worth being annoyed about?' 'Am I being selfish in this reaction?'

I am going to blog at least every second day about my progress so I can keep my changes to the fore. Including a daily photo of my life and what I need to work on.

Set goals and post them on my pin board, regardless of who will see it. Plus tidy my scrapbooking area!

Walk or run Stella everyday, aiming for half marathon on October 3rd. Weighloss of 10kg by October 1st.

Work on becoming an adult. Get responsible with my money, and house, and photographic business.

A recent photo where I do not actually hate the image. Me and my babies.