Another frost and we are out of gas

It was pretty cold this morning.  Unfortunately we are Out. Of. Gas which means the heating was not working, which meant brrrrrr until the sun got up enough to stream through the windows and I could sit in a warm, sunny spot.

I got a bit carried away doing the dishes this morning.  I ended up cleaning the oven (boy did it need it, and it probably needs to be done again).  And then I got TJL to pull the oven away from the wall and I cleaned under and behind it - talk about manky - manky - manky!!  Ewwwww!  Not to mention the extraction fan. Practically impossible to clean in-between the venty bits.  I used a nail brush as well as a dish brush, and it still wasn't perfectly clean, but hey any cleaner is better than no cleaner.  And I cleaned the bathtub/shower.

We went into Stratty for lunch, which wasn't terribly flash.  I also went into Paper Plus and purchased Bear Grylls latest book, which I am keen to get started.  I read his first book (I think it was) about his ascent of Everest, and it was the best ever climbing book I have read.  Of course I lent it to someone, who lent it to someone and now it's gone, but I do have a rule that I don't lend anything I am not prepared to lose so que serra or whatever it is.  Before I can begin this book I need to finish Tony Hawks book, which shouldn't take me too long.

This afternoon TJL and I took Stella Dawg for a walk down the farm.  TJL said to the cows, c'mon girls, time to get calving!  And I said, one has, hasn't it?  That hawk just picked up some afterbirth? (sorry if that is too disgusting but it is what happened).  TJL told me it was an old one, but perhaps we should go up and check it out.  He checked it out from over the fence and said, its and old one.  To which I said no its not, the calf is up there with it's mother.  One to me!  Yes!  Not that I'm keeping score or anything ... lol.  So thats 4 calves in (the one today is a bobby, which we have to keep and feed up for the next month due to TJLs wee drenching hiccup).

I made a stir-fry for dinner tonights tea.  Chicken coated in chinese five spice and flour, cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, corgette, and mushroom, with a bit of garlic and ginger.  Was scrummy!!  Unfortunately TJL had to leave 5 minutes before it was ready so that annoyed me quite a bit.  Sometimes his friend says 'jump' and TJL jumps *sigh*.  He said something about a trailer and daylight *bah*.

So I am home, alone, with no gas for the heater as the delivery truck did not come today, but I do have my candles lit and a good book to read, so all is pretty right with the world.

UGH!!

Woke up at 4am, and felt sick.  But at that time of the morning you never really know, ah?!  So when I woke back up at the correct time of 4.45am I wasn't as bad, so thought I might get better the later it got.  I took a neurofen in the hopes I would feel better and headed off to work.  Didn't work!  I ended up leaving at 7.45am to get back home.  I feel bad as I have let my manager down due to the fact I was supposed to be interviewing today, but there was no way I could interview anyone, my mind just wasn't there - thumping headache and nausea.

Thus I have spent the day on the couch, watching bad TV and falling asleep.  Unfortunately TJL's mother decided to arrive with two of our nieces, which wasn't perfect timing and I was a  TERRIBLE  host.  I don't like being caught out by surprise, and my instant reaction is to be angry.  Thus I 'apologised' and said that I was sick before they even got out of the car!  AWESOME  WELCOME  MJJ!  So they came in and TJL hosted them while I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself that my day of 'relaxation' on the couch had been interrupted.  And then, as I sat on the couch, I realised what an idiot I was being, but then it was too late to pop up and decide that I wasn't as sick as I was making out.  ARGHHHHH!  Why do I do this?  It is almost like a panic reaction when things aren't going as I 'planned'.  Part of it is that the house is in a constant state of mess, and I am embarrassed.  Part of it is that I am quite a loner, and I struggle with working with people for 12 hours, and then dealing with people on my days off, and I just never, ever get any real alone time, and by alone time I mean a few days to a week all. by. myself!  I hope that my outlook changes when I get to quit my job in a few months time and become a farmers wife.  Hopefully, as I won't be surrounded by people, I will begin to want more human contact and be more open to visitors.  It is definitely an area I need to work on.  Definitely one of my biggest failings.

I am such a terrible sinner, I am so glad that God gives us such grace, I definitely need more than my fair share!

Back on roster - bah humbug

We went back on roster yesterday.  The other laboratories where I work didn't.  This meant that the lab that delivers the products for us to test, were not at work yesterday.  This means I didn't have anything to test (aside from 30 cheese's for moistures left over from Friday).  And when you are rostered to work from 6am-6pm, and you have no leave left, this makes for an EXTREMELY  LONG day!  I managed to last until 3.45pm, so took 2.25 hours as leave without pay.  Today was better though, and I managed to work the entire 6am-6pm day *phew!*   And the bonus to being back on roster is that tomorrow is my last day, before 4. Days.  Off!   Yeah!  Actually I have five, as I am heading up North on Saturday to catch some ice-hockey and won't be able to return until Sunday.

My manager is going to see what he can do re back-pay for my degree.  He said it's not looking good and HR said that I should have read all of the literature and found out for myself what extra payments I could get.  I said that I trusted my employer to let me know what I was entitled to.  Especially since my manager at the time of the interview KNEW I had a degree and NEGLECTED to tell me I would get an extra payment, when everyone else had/has been advised.  But I shall let my current manager do his best, and then let it go.  It's only money.

And now I am going to have a hot lemon drink to try and get rid of this slight cold I have.  Tomorrow I am assisting in interviews of our potential future employees and trying to interview while blowing ones nose constantly does not make a good impression.

My one day off

I had such a fun day off.  We got up really late, like around 8am!  Whoops!

After breakfast this morning I headed into H-town to do our supermarket shop.  Bought lots of fresh veges, and a few more GladWare containers, and who knows what else as it cost me over $200.00.  I also planned to get some photos printed off, but the lab was shut when I was there, so it will have to be sometime during the week.

After I got home TJL and I headed into NP to go to Puke Ariki for the Peter Bush exhibition.  Peter Bush is the worlds top rugby photographer and TJL being a rugby fan, and me being a photo fan, it was the perfect exhibition.  I was a little disappointed that it was only his rugby photographs on display (but I guess that IS what the exhibition was about) and it was also a shame there were none of the 1981 Springboks Tour that resulted in mass demonstrations and rioting due to the apartheid rule in South Africa at the time.  There are some awesome photos Spingbok Tour Riots 1981 about.

I was 10 at the time, and I distinctly remember my dad heading off to the match at Hamilton's Rugby Park, only to have him return home not having seen anything as riots got the game cancelled.  Dad said, in later years, he thinks the protestors were in the right, but with games against South Africa not occurring as often as they do now, and the fact they were the All Blacks (ironic that our national team is named the All Blacks, playing a white apartheid SA team (our team are named after their jersey colour just in case there is any confusion out there)) then it was a game all keen rugby fans wanted to see (depended on whether your idea for social justice outweighed your love of the game or not!)

Any way, back on track.  After enjoying the exhibition we had lunch at Puke Ariki's cafe.  It was DELICIOUS!  A bit expensive, but what the heck, we have two incomes and no kids, gotta be some benefits somewhere!

After lunch we went to Briscoes, as I wanted a wok, and I was keen to see what the prices were.  One thing about Briscoes, you never buy anything from there unless it's on sale, and they are just about ALWAYS having a sale.  So I found a cast-iron wok (which is what I wanted as heat in cast-iron is unbeatable, IMO).  And what would you know, the cast-iron wok was $69.99 and had a discount of $41.99 so a BARGAIN at $28.00  SOLD!!  I also saw 'mink' blankets (well a lady had one coming out as we were heading in), so I tracked them down.  Now TJL thinks they are 'tacky' but ohhh, they are so cosy to sit under on the couch in winter ... like NOW!  So I saw some advertised for $35.00, and while TJL nearly talked me out of it, he didn't and I now have my tacky 'mink' blanket!  The only choice of colours was either cream (which I got) or bright lime green.  I didn't know the discount until I got home.  Mink blanket was $109.99 with a discount of $74.99!  YES!!  Such a profitable day.

Once we got home I made some Leek and Potato Soup, and cooked up some old apples for puree (to add flavour to my porridge), and I walked the dog before putting her to bed.  TJL has gone out to the local rugby club as his old team was playing today.  He still had not returned home as yet, so perhaps I should have put the farm bike away (too dark and cold now!)

And so my 1 day off this week is almost over, back on roster tomorrow, how I am going to manage a 12 hour day is beyond me, but I shall have to tough it out, as I have no leave left ... boo hoo!

Goals for the year

In no particular order ...

1.  Grow closer and more knowledgeable with God
         Daily:  10 minutes allowing God to speak to me
                     10 minutes bible reading
         Weekly:  Church
         Monthly:  Christian reading in addition to the bible

2.  Get fit and healthy
         Daily: Walk 30 minutes
                    Eat more fruit and vegetable, less sugar including soft drinks
         Weekly:  Walk 1-1.5 hours
         Monthly:  0.5-1.0 day tramp

3.  Grow closer and more intimate with TJL
         Daily:  Kiss him like I mean it
                     Tell him that I love him
         Weekly:  Lunch date
         Monthly:  Dinner date

4.  Spend more time with Stella-Dog
          Daily:  Walk 30 minutes
                      Feed
         Weekly:  Game and/or training
                        Clean and tidy kennel
          Monthly:  Walk somewhere off-farm

5.  Improve the house and garden
          Daily:  Dishes
                      General pick-up
         Weekly:  Floors
                        Bathroom
                        Vegetable garden
          Monthly:  Windows
                           Dust
                           Flower garden

6.  Increase farm knowledge and skills
           Daily:  Records
                       Calves on days off
           Weekly:  Milk x 2 (x 1 until house/farmers wife)
           Monthly:  Farm walk with plate meter to measure grass

Wish me God's grace to achieve all of this!

Not impressed

I learned today that, for the past three years, I should have been getting an extra payment at work for having a degree.  It sounds like I WON'T be able to get this in back pay.  I feel ripped off.  I hope that people are wrong and my lab co-ordinator can get it sorted for me tomorrow.  To make myself feel better, I know I was in the wrong mindset the last three years, and I would have just spent it anyway, but still ... *sigh*  I am still a bit gutted by the whole thing.  At least I will get the payment for my last 11 weeks at work, and that's something.

TJL and I went in and had our blood tests today.  I don't know how long it will take for the results to come in.  I hope, and pray that all will be fine.  I won't completely relax until I get the results.  Once this is done, hopefully we can get onto the IVF waiting list.  Please, oh please, oh please let it all run as smoothly as possible!!

The weather is still awful.  I ended up driving at around 60kph on a 100kph road today, I just could not see through the rain on the windscreen, I couldn't even see enough to pull over safely, so I just drove super slowly along the road.  Everyone else must have been struggling too, as no one ended up on my back bumper, so that took a bit of pressure off of me.

Two more days of work, one day off, three days of work then FIVE  DAYS  OFF!!  I  CAN'T  WAIT!!

IVF journey begins, perhaps

Had my mid-cycle scan with Dr Fufu this afternoon.  Lucky I made it there in one piece as the weather was atrocious!  Wind and hardcore rain, twas a slow journey.

So I have two follicles that are a bit on the small side.  Might mature by Friday but Dr Fufu didn't sound very hopeful.  If I am not preggers this month, then she will refer us for IVF.  She has to refer us now as I am fast approaching 40, and we need to get onto the list before then, or we can't get our first cycle free.

Today, for the first time, she said my lining was not uniformly 'thick'.  Usually I am told that my lining is great.  She thought it was a bit 'bumpy' today, which could mean polyps which will have to be removed before IVF. Apparently these can prevent the implantation into the wall.

Another 'before we can get on the list' we have to have an HIV test each.  Now this makes me nervous, simply because, in my past life, I wasn't exactly well behaved, and while I really don't think I will test positive, I do still worry, because there is a remote chance I picked up something nasty way, way, way back in my early 20's.

I also have to have a BMI of less than 32.  She said that mine was currently 31, so just in.  I think I might be a bit heavier now so I actually think I am 33.  That said, the diet starts NOW.  Surely this will inspire me to lose weight.  If this doesn't nothing will.  I only have to lose, bah ha ha ONLY, yeah right, I have to lose around 5kg to get under the threshold, but I am SURE if I lose the weight, and more, it can only help our pregnancy chances.

If we do manage to get onto the waiting list it could be 12-18 MONTHS!  Really!! Not impressed!!!  However, should this be the case we can go private, which will cost $11,000.00, so that might end up being our best option ... TJL didn't say a heck of a lot when I mentioned it, but he takes a bit of time and 'thinks about it' whereas I give my initial reaction straight away.

So a bit of a disappointing appointment today, but onward and upward we go.  The only one who has any influence on our situation is the good Lord above, and I have to trust that He know's what He's doing and that it will be the right thing for us.  Patience, MJJ, Patience!

Work place gossip

What is it about humans that we love to gossip, in fact I think some people even crave it.  It drives me nuts at work, the amount of gossip there is.  What drives me nuts further is that I can't control myself and willingly participate.

Image from Google Images

So why do I do it?  I actually think that it stems from a wanting to 'belong', because even though I say I 'don't care' that I don't fit in, and I 'don't care' what others think of me, and I actually don't envision myself being 'friends' with the vast majority of them, I still want to be accepted as one of them.  What is it about the human condition that means we crave acceptance, even from those we don't particularly like?    I do manage to go for periods of time where I don't participate in these conversations, but it really just means that I work mostly in silence, and even then it doesn't stop people approaching and engaging me in gossip conversations.  I guess I just have to work harder in driving conversations in other directions.  What I need is a list of topics to achieve this .... oh it might just be easier to stay quiet.

All the gossip also means that the work environment is split into cliques, which is what happens at High School, not a workplace full of women from their 20's to their 60's, and to be perfectly honest it tends to be the older ones who gossip the most.  Not to mention the 'nastiness' that they direct towards others in the company - people who they deem to eat too much 'that guy always has a HUGE breakfast, look at how many eggs he has', people who have conditions such as turrets, it's just total juvenile behaviour and it makes me really uncomfortable.  

I am just clinging onto the fact that I only have 12 weeks to go!  Hooray!  I just have to keep my mouth shut, and my brain active until then (well beyond then too!)  Starting with tomorrow, I shall not gossip!  I shall not speak ill of anyone (including other drivers on the road)!  And I shall change my train of thought each time I get judgemental about people engaging in activities that I do not agree with, and each time I get jealous of other people, I shall direct my train of thought towards my many blessings.

Whirlwind trip to see the Fam.

This is our 4 year old niece T.  A cheeky, yet sensitive soul.  Please excuse the quality of photos, for some reason my on camera flash won't work, very frustrating!

We did a quick, one night trip, to see my family in Waipukurau, this weekend.  It had to be this weekend as I work 5 days this week, and only have one day off before resuming my roster with 3 days on.  TJL will be on calving duty by the 20th July, so it was this weekend, or no go until May (for TJL) to get over.

This is our 2 (in three weeks time) year old nephew C.  He is very much a mumma's boy, who uses a pitiful 'hep me, hep me' when he wants to be picked up, from anywhere, definitely gets what he wants most of the time.

We also caught up with my parents, they cooked us a delicious roast lamb dinner with kumera, and spud, etc.  Was scrummy!  

This is our 7 year old niece G.  Poor thing had been horribly sick, but was perking up a bit before we left.

The weather was terrible, so lucky the company was great!  Not to mention we slept in until 10.00 this morning!  Feel soooo guilty, but it felt sooooo good!

Rainy days and free plants

Today it has been raining.  A lot.  Real heavy rain.  It's not unusual for Taranaki.  Especially now we are right in the middle of Winter!  A lot of rain means mud.  Driving the tractor means tractor mud tracks.  Proof that TJL has been busy.

It also means that the cows pug the paddocks.  When this happens, once the grass has 'taken off' a bit, one needs to 'roll' the paddocks (one being TJL) to reduce the pug marks, as once they set in Summer it is quite easy to roll your ankle in one as they end up like concrete.

Fortunately it did stop raining long enough to walk Stella the Wonder Dog.  She's a classic!  She makes me laugh every day, especially with her love of her toys.  So CUTE!  

Work wanted to get rid of a spider plant today.  Me being the 'Ohhhh I'll take it' kind of person that I am said 'Ohhhh I'll take it!'.  This is what it looked like, all one sided with lots of babies hanging off of it.  The pot beside the plant contains the remains of a plant I have killed earlier.

After a bit of 'separating' I now have two pots of spider plants.  Time will tell if they take or die, as I was quite brutal with their root systems.  All the baby plants I have stuck back in the original pot and put under the eves of the house.  If they survive, they survive - hopefully being under the eves the frosts won't get them.  I just don't have the space available inside, at present, to house them all without them overpowering and crowding the place.

And last but not least, Cluck Cluck (well I think it's Cluck Cluck, it might be Maggie) one of our three delightful chickens.  They are such characters, and currently very involved in consuming the remaining beetroot plants in the vege garden.  I LOVE my chickens!  Not that keen on their calling cards or their destruction of our garden, but the eggs!  Wonderful!

Plus I have booked an Acupuncture appointment, for October!  Yes she is booked up until then.  I figure that means she is a great practicioner (oh the spelling on that one may be WAY off!)  Hopefully it might help with our fertility woes, AND my weight problems.  I know  what I am doing wrong but I need the motivation to STOP consuming harmful things, like sugar and fats, and start being more kind to my body.

Hopefully when I finish work in October I will feel far more motivated to get moving, a lot faster than I do for the dog walks, and the weight will come off.

And now I patiently await the return of TJL with tea .... YUM!

Cook my little leftovers, cook

TJL was out rolling paddocks when I got home today, Stella the dog and I discovered him when we went for our walk.  So, being the housewife in training, I decided that I would cook tonights dinner.

Super easy!

We had leftover potato, carrot, broccoli and cauliflower so I have whacked that all into a dish, with a bit of onion and covered it with cheese sauce and put it into the oven.  I made the cheese sauce a little thick, but never mind.  I could have thinned it with a bit more milk I guess - oh well too late now!  I use Edam Cheese, which is a low fat cheese that I like BUT thinking about it today I do use A LOT in dishes to get a bit more flavour in.  I think I might get a small block of tasty or similar next time I am shopping, that way I can mix the two so we get a bit more flavour, as well as a decent consistency.

It addition to our vege bake I am going to make Chinese 5 Spice Chicken.  Super easy, chop up some chicken (I use skinless boneless thighs, cheaper and more succulent than breast), and chuck it in a bag of flour mixed with Chinese 5 Spice, and then I fry.  Hmmmmm, I might try doing them in the oven for a low fat version.  Since I have the oven on 'n' all.  Hopefully TJL won't complain TOO much ... lol.  He did say he wanted fried, but it can't hurt to try it just the once.

And so, thus, I must go and prepare the chicken .....

Taxes are done! Yes!

I finally got off my chuff and got my taxes all done and ready to post off tomorrow, and since they don't have to be there until the 7th I am actually ahead of time this year.  Last year I did them online the night before - talk about making ones life more stressful than it needs to be.

As per usual I have told myself that THIS year I will keep on top of it throughout the year, so they will be all good to go early, time will tell if I manage to achieve this, or not.  No doubt my transition from 'lab technician' to 'farmers housewife' will enable this.  I just can't wait for this to happen.  Time and energy to really get our home clean and decorated, to get our vege garden productive and flower gardens overflowing, to cook nice, healthy meals for TJL and I every day, and to have time to exercise and get fit.  Have I said that I CAN'T WAIT!!??  Not to mention time to actually plan my blog posts, rather than my incoherrent ramblings.

I have also finally got everything 'packed away' from our holiday.  Not quite perfect, I mean my clothes are in a tidy pile on my dressing table and not in the drawers, but this is mostly due to the fact nothing else will fit in my drawers.  I really do need to do a full on throw out, again.  Plus it is a gorgeous winters day today, so my washing is out in the hopes that it will mostly dry, and I will just need to use the dryer as a finish off.

And my work desk is kinda tidy too!  Tidy enough to be able to fit my computer onto it, so I MUST use that area as my office, instead of dragging everything out to the living room and making a gigantic mess in there.  I must stop putting everything that I plan to 'file away later' on my desk, and file it at the time.  It took me HOURS yesterday to get it sorted, surely 1 minute filing at the time is SO MUCH EASIER!  Perhaps I need to write myself a sign to put over my desk that tells me that.

Today we are off to a basketball game (2nd to last of the season), and since the game is early, at 4.00pm, then we plan to head out to dinner afterwards - JOY!  Speaking of which I must head off and get myself showered and ready to go, I'm so excited!  I love going out for dinner.

Sausages for dinner

I don't like sausages, even the pure, home raised pork sausages, that we have.  They just don't inspire me, don't make my mouth water, I just don't like 'em and never have.

TJL wanted sausages so that is what he had defrosted, and what I got to cook.  And I still don't like them.  All I did was fry them, and I have to admit that I was super impressed with the fact that NO fat came out of them, the pan basically stayed dry.  TJL liked them, he said dinner was De.Lici.Ous.  It wasn't, but I will go with it.

The Cauliflower on the other hand was YUM!  The broccoli not so much, but the cauli was sweet and perfect.  Again, I don't like broccoli.  I blame my ex as, when his mother was diagnosed with cancer (which she fought and won - HOORAY!) he read that broccoli was a cancer fighter so, we had it EVERY NIGHT  for  MONTHS, and now, ack, I just don't like it.  I eat it because it is good for me, but I don't like it.

Other veges tonight was mashed potato and kumera (sweet potato).  And since I had a delicious serving of that last week up in Aucks, my version was not anywhere near as good.  I seriously wonder what the chef put in theirs.   Ahhhhhhhh, droooooooling just thinking about it.

Best thing tonight will be Raspberry Pie from TJL's boss' wife.  We had half the other night, and it was Fab.U.Lous!  Basically like raspberry jam in a pie, with ice-cream.  Super sweet though!

I  CAN'T  WAIT  TO  BE  A  HOUSEWIFE  TO  BE  ABLE   TO  MAKE  DELICIOUS  AND  NUTRITIOUS  DINNERS  EVERY  NIGHT  FOR  MY  MAN!!

Not pregnant this month either

So good ol' Aunty Flo has just arrived, late this afternoon.  Thanks.  Thanks for making us have to try for yet ANOTHER month to get pregnant.  *sigh*   Oh well, onward we go, maybe THIS month (well next month) we will be successful.  Yada, yada, yada.

Lucky I rang the doc's office yesterday to get my prescription faxed through to the chemist!  I knew the ol' bat was coming.  DOH!  Just remembered I should have rung the doc back today to book my mid-cycle scan.  Never mind, will just have to do it tomorrow.

Work is spectacularly slow at the moment.  Well it IS winter, so the factory is not taking in any milk at the moment, so the only product we have to test is CHEESE.  MMmmmmmmmm, cheese.  So, anyway, today I read a magazine (not allowed, but it was a Dairy Exporter so kinda work related) and took notes for how we can progress in the Dairy Industry to attain farm ownership.  So it was actually kind of productive.  Just so you don't think that I entirely wasted the companies time, I also cleaned one of the fume cupboards, and did all the dishes (there are quite a few, certainly not as many as in Spring and Summer, but still a few).

I got a heap of photos printed off today, so I am all set to get started on a scrapbook of our holiday.   Hopefully it doesn't end up in my 'what I want to achieve when I get time' pile, it's already way out of control!

Back to life, back to reality

So this is where we were last week.  *sigh*  Funny how it now seems so long ago, and we have only been home 1 day!  What a great, sunfilled, fairly relaxing trip.  Such a shame it is all over.

This is part of the Cairns Botanic Gardens.  The gardens were HUGE, with fantastic walking trails.  I didn't see a crocodile in this water but I think that the odd one has been seen.  I figured that crocs would be everywhere, so was super cautious ... hahaha

The scenic railway to Kuranda was a must do.  Especially if you love trains, as I do!  We came back on the Sky Rail, which was not so great as I don't like heights very much at all.  Well worth doing, but I won't do it again, much rather come back on the train.  Of course, if we go back to Cairns on holiday, chances are I will have forgotten how scared I was on the Sky Rail, and travel on it again, only to be reminded why I didn't like it the first time - very similar to my Dr Pepper experiences.

Scary, grip the seat kinda stuff - well for me anyway.  TJL had to take gondola photos, I was hanging onto the seat and breathing.

We did a wee boat trip on a lake, that contained this wonderful, chubby, eel.  I quite like eels.  There also were terapins (turtles that swim dog paddle rather than breaststroke, I think thats what the guide said).  I love turtles.

One of the many wonderful waterfalls we were taken to.  If we had known we would have taken our togs for a swim, even though our guide said it was FREEZING cold.  Freezing cold in North Australia is not THAT cold, definitely swum in cooler waters in snow fed New Zealand rivers.

Our final visit was to a Spanish Castle.  Such a tragic story, and a lot of it has 'fallen' down due to cyclones and floods.  A Spanish man moved to Australia to make his fortune, 11 years later he made his fortune and returned to Spain to marry the woman he promised he would.  He hadn't written so she had married another 3 years earlier, so he married her sister.  Moved back to Australia and built her this castle, which was just amazing considering he did most of it himself in a very short time span.  And there is more, but you can read that here - Paronella Park.

Then today it was back to work.  Yeah.  I do believe that TJL is 'happy' for me to resign in three months time and I can become the housewife extrordinaire that I have always wanted to be.  I  CAN'T  WAIT!

Cairns day 4

We had a 'rest' day today.  Got up at 6amish, mucked around until about 8.30am, when we headed off to the Botanic Gardens.  They were pretty cool, and HUGE.  Took a ton of photos, but can't download/upload as I forgot the cable for that camera ... doh.  Part of the walk was SUPPOSED to be around the Gondwana Garden.  Unfortunately half way round I decided that the way to go was to follow 'everyone else'.  Big mistake, BIG.  Following everyone else meant we were on the 'Red Track', which thankfully only went for 1.2km, 600M of which was UP!  UP I tell you.  Now Im a bit of a porker, but had been feeling pretty good about myself having walked the 45 minutes into town and back over the previous 3 days.  That was NOTHING!  Nothing I tell you!  But I am glad we did it, hopefully it will knock a bit of fat off of me.

We then walked into a small village and finally managed to find the 'Flying Doctor Service', where I had to take a photo, solely because of the 1980's programme.  TJL had moaned up a storm getting there, and it wasn't that far, seriously!

We then had lunch at the Botanic Gardens Cafe.  Chicken, mushroom, spinach filo.  DELICIOUS!!  Best food we have had so far.

And that was it.  Spent the rest of the day at the resort.  Walked to the shops for an icecream, and then back again to get Pizza for tea (nice Pizza too).

Cairns Day 3

Got up at about 5.45am this morning, just the time I woke up naturally.  We were all ready to head off on our tour by 6.40am, so we decided to walk rather than Taxi into town to get to the Marina, which we had to be at by 8.00am.  We got there by 7.30am, which was excellent, and we now know how long it takes to get to town!

To begin with we thought it was going to be a fairly 'light' trip as far as people were concerned.  We were wrong.  A bus load, or four, of American Students rocked on up and boarded, and proceeded to talk, and talk, and talk ... lol.  Actually they were all pretty great.  All seemed to get along fine, and were excited, and friendly, and the majority were fine looking females so TJL had plenty of bikini clad attractive girls to look at.   We departed the Marina at around 9am, and got out to Great Barrier Reef at about 11am, to Michaelmas Cay.

We got on the second boat to Michaelmas Cay and snorkeled straight out to the reef.  It was AWESOME.  Hopefully we got some photos on the disposable camera, as it was just a point and hope you got the shot situation.  Will find out when we get back home and get it developed as to whether we have anything or not.  Fingers crossed!!  I snorkeled for a long time, quite a bit longer than TJL, but even though I wanted to keep going I thought I should go and see if he wanted to go back to the boat for lunch, he did, so we did, and since I was now dry I couldn't be bothered heading back out to Michaelmas Cay for more snorkeling, which I kinda regret, but too late now!  Considering it was something I wasn't fussed about doing, MAN it was FUN!

Cairns Day 2

Can't remember where I got up to yesterday, how typical is that??!!  Anyhow we walked into the city yesterday.  Took us about an hour or so and we walked along an 'internal' road, so found an IGA Supermarket, and a cool looking bike shop, amongst other things.  And it was jolly hot!  So we stopped for a bottle of water, and TJL got a sorbet.  We found the 'beach', which was tidal mudflat with sand dumped in certain places.  Tide was out, way, way, way out.  And we also discovered an AWESOME walkway right along the waterfront, which essentially took us right back to within a block of our resort.

We then proceeded to fall asleep, and failed to wake up until after 9pm, when the restaurant was closed, luckily I wasn't hungry so just went back to sleep.  Not too sure about TJL, he didn't go and get himself anything so I figure he wasn't that hungry either.

Woke up this morning pretty early, and went over to the restaurant for breakfast.  It was ok, not really worth the $9, so we bought our own breakfast stuff today to save us a bit of money.

We walked back into town today (via the coast as it was far nicer than the street walk), and booked activities for the rest of the week.  Tomorrow is Great Barrier Reef, Thursday we are going out to Kuranda to do the railway and skyrail thingee, and Friday we are heading out to the tablelands, to see waterfalls and some giant castle thing.  We also did a wee bit of shopping, involving Jandals, Beach Towels, a hat, underwater disposable camera, and then some foodstuffs from the IGA.  Spent far too much money, but hey, thats what holidays are for.

Had a really nice pizza lunch at a waterfront restaurant, and went to the local art gallery - loved Alex Platt's work.  Tonight we had dinner at the resort restaurant.  Was pretty disappointed really.  Certainly wasn't brilliant.  Wasn't bad, just plain.

So it will be an early night tonight as we have a bit of an early start in the morning (not too early though).

Hello Sunny Cairns

We finally made it to Cairns for our 7 night get-away.  Now, that makes it sound like an arduous trip, and it wasn't, but it was still a bit of a haul.

We left lil' ol' Eltham yesterday at 10am, and headed to Wazza's so he could drop us off at New Plymouth Airport, for our flight to Auck's.  At this stage I just kept on sniffling with the odd sneeze, and I started to worry that I was getting 'sick'.  The flight to Auck's was pretty good, just over half an hour, but we could NOT find a 'free' phone to ring the hotel, so I just used my cell-phone, and we were picked up pretty promptly and taken to Jet Park for the night.  At Jet Park my nose really went to town, and I was not feeling to sh*t hot!  I ended up falling asleep and then TJL had to wake me up at 6.25pm as our dinner reservation was for 6.30pm.  Dinner was not great in the sense my nose continued to run and I continued to sneeze.  I really could not enjoy myself, which was disappointing as the food was DIVINE!  I had pork with kumara mash, I have no idea what they did to those Kumara's but YUMMY!

We had to have an early night as we had to back at the airport at 4.50am, which involved a 4am getup!  I am so glad we are dairy farmers and used to being up at that time (the 4.50am at least).  Best news was that my nose was much better today, although I felt pretty sick first thing, by the time we boarded our flight at 6.15am I was feeling right as rain.  The flight (just under 6 hours) was totally uneventful.  Watched a couple of movies, played a bit of 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and 'Black Jack', and then we landed in Sunny Cairns!

The airport terminal was quite a bit smaller than Aucklands, which surprised me a bit.  We found the shuttle guy easily, and are now ensconced in our unit.  Which is pretty nice.  Did have potato chips, a chocolate bar, and lemonade for lunch though ... whoops.  But the resort restaurant doesn't open for lunch so we were kind of limited in our choices.

And now we are blobbing until tea time, and then tomorrow, when we will head off on an explore.

To much junk food, not enough fresh air

The last two days I have sat inside and eaten FAR TOO MUCH junk food.  Chocolate, candies, soft drink, chips, the list goes on!

And I haven't managed to finish sorting out my BMX photos.  It is REALLY time consuming.  But I only have 800 or so to go, so hopefully by the end of this week ... lol

And other than that, absolutely NOTHING is happening in my life.  We had our third, and final? seminar last Thursday.  It was good.  I quite enjoyed it.  TJL on the other hand, would have rather been anywhere else.  They sure do make it sound SO hard.  And I know that it will be/would be, but still, a few good points in regards to fostering and adoption would have been nice to hear.

Back to work tomorrow.  Hopefully TJL will stick to his word and I only have 3 months and 3 weeks to go before I become a housewife.  Please, oh please, oh please.  And I am more than happy to take a part time job, provided it does not interfere with my weekends, so I can get stuck into my photography.

Not asking for much am I?  LOL!

BMX

Spent two half days photographing at the BMX Indoor at Hawera this weekend.  Man they are fast!  I ended up taking over 2000 photos, which is pretty much A LOT so surely I have some good ones in there. So far I have only sorted through, and uploaded, 400 of them.  Hopefully I get them all done this week.

Of course, whenever I am at an event I do the 'Oh I WISH we had kids!!!!!' internal whine.  I know we are getting closer, even if it is through 'Home for Life' foster care, where we will have to 'share' them with the birth parents.  But kids are kids, hey, and if we have them for the majority of the time then all is sweet.    Home for Life is where kids are taken out of their birth parents home as it is unsafe, and has been deemed unsafe 'for life', thus a permanent home is found, but they are not able to be adopted so guardianship is joint between birth and foster carers.  The social workers we are dealing with put it a great way though.  Treat it like a marriage breakup, and you end up sharing joint custody with your ex.  Not ideal, but better than nothing.

One more training session with the social workers on Thursday, and an assessment, then hopefully it is all on!

Second seminar re Adoption or Foster Care

We had our second seminar for adoption and/or foster care today.  It started the same way as the introduction one, and day one ... badly.  For the induction day, the power went off with one row of cows left to milk, and took AGES to come back on, so I got stressed, we were a bit late.  Induction day one, we had a relief milker who stayed the night so we thought he might help TJL out in the morning ... um NUP.  So I went down and hosed out, and bada bing bada bang, the flaming heifers got out, so I got stressed, and we were a little bit late.  Today, day 2, no cows to milk, no stress, but TJL got up late, felt unwell, dawdled, I got stressed, and we were a tiny bit late, but not too bad.

Today was much better than day 1, not quite so clinical and dry.  Even TJL survived it a lot better, which is fortunate, as to be a foster care provider we have one more seminar day to go.  Originally we didn't have to attend it as we had only planned to adopt, but since we are looking at the foster care route we have to, and fortunately TJL is on board for this one (he dislikes sitting, inside, learning stuff).

Today they had a panel of 3 people who are currently in the system.  One guy has been involved in looking after teenage boys for 9 years (he had been a youth worker), one lady has two kids for lifetime placement, and has just had another two placed with her and is going through the system to get them placed with her for lifetime.  The third lady has an adopted daughter (aged 5) and has just had a boy placed with her for lifetime (currently going through the system).

So it was good.

And now we might be looking at local adoption rather than inter-country, or 'care for life', which is a placement for life, where we are legal guardians but not 'parents' for life.  No rush to make a choice as yet, time will tell us what direction we need to be heading in.

Losing weight, AGAIN

So I am once again on the weighloss trail.  *sigh*  How many times do I beat on this drum?

Anyway, I have begun a new blog, Losing it with MJ as the programme I am attempting to follow is Losing it with April, a celeb and TV presenter here in NZ, who currently weighs in at around 100kg.  That was HER wake-up call, mine is the 90kg mark.  Damn disgusting!

What I like about the programme

1.  Its FREE to follow along!
2.  The food is NORMAL!
3.  The exercises can all be done at HOME!

Nothing fancy, nothing schmancy.

I have had a couple of other wakeup calls, not just the figure on the scale.

1.  I wasn't in the mood to play with my friends young children, I was shy, reserved, and self conscious about my appearance.
2.  Despite what I 'see' in the mirror (akin to being the opposite of an anorexic, ie I see 'NORMAL') photos actually show me that I am 'HUGE'.  People, who I see and think that they are big, I AM BIGGER THAN THEM!  C'MON!)
3.  My appearance is terrible.  In photos I look like the people who I have judged all my life as being fat, ugly, lazy, and stupid.  The kind of people you think, 'How could you let yourself get like that?  Get a haircut.  Get some decent clothes.  Lose some weight.  Get some dang pride!'

Thats me at the moment, and I HATE this.  I have zero confidence, and when I am feeling ok, I see a photo of myself and hate myself all over again.  I think I need to keep the photo image of myself in my head, as that sure as heck puts me off eating TOO much rubbish.

I really hope and pray that I can make it work this time.

Dr Fufu appointment

I had a mid-cycle scan today.  My regular Fufu doc was not in so I had an ultrasound lady.  Not good news for us.  I don't appear to have any folicles to size this month.  It could be because the days for taking the tablets changed from 3 to 7, to 2 to 6.  I forgot to mention that to replacement lady.  Not that anything can be done.  So no pressure this month, which of course won't stop me from hoping, but that's how it goes.

I have had a bit of a nasty cold.  Ended up taking half the day off of work yesterday, and fortunately I had today off, so I should be good to go again tomorrow - yes I get to work Easter Friday AND Easter Monday.  I have to tell myself - time and a half AND a day in lieu.  And if I can save enough money, I shall be a housewife in 6 months time, and I can definitely deal with that.  Each time TJL says 'when are you going to do such and such?'  I say 'In six months time' ... lol

Some people have said that they could not be a housewife, they'd get bored!  Not me!  I am so glad I have my photography, that I can develop further.  Plus I will be helping TJL out on the farm, getting some more experience under my belt before we finally manage to purchase our own farm.

We almost have all the adoption paperwork done.  Will get it sent off straight after Easter.  Nervous as heck, into the wide unknown!  Plus we have to have our medicals.  Very exciting though!  Me more than TJL, but that's probably a good thing, although I wish I didn't have to push him quite so hard.

Basketball tomorrow night - Taranaki Mountainairs v Bay Hawks.  So excited!  I love basketball, plus I do the 'media' for Taranaki, which just involves the facebook page at the moment.  Managed to find the team a song today, I hope the rest of the committee like it.

And off to Waverley on Sunday, to photograph a Pony Club end of season cup day.  Wooop!

Almost 2 months between posts

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long.  Guess I needed to take a break.  So whats the happenings?  Still not pregnant.  Pretty much expected I guess, after how long of trying ... I can't even remember, 2 and a bit years I think.  Last cycle I had 3 folicles to size, but all on the right.  Dr Fufu would prefer to see them in both uteri.  Will get scanned on Thursday to see how we are doing this month.  I'm actually kind of over the whole thing, just being in limbo sucks for me.  I like to 'plan' but its really hard when you keep thinking, it'd be cool to do this, but maybe I will be pregnant then' ... I know we should just do it anyway, but, bah, I am kinda tired of being childless.

We have been to a 2 hour adoption/fostering seminar.  Didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, I have researched the topic to death!  Lol.  We need to get onto our paperwork, and have our medicals done so we can begin the next step of 2 full day seminars.  TJL is not so keen on these, not exactly a 'sit down and learn stuff' kinda guy, but he will get through it.  I do have to stop speaking for him though!  The man is not an idiot!

We had TJL's nieces 5th birthday a week ago.  It was okay.  Too many children and too much noise.  If one or more of the children were mine it wouldn't have been a problem, but I just wasn't in the mood to be very social ... I hate being the only one without kids (thats in my family, not my entire life ... lol).

Also spent a couple of days back home, watched a bit of basketball with a couple of friends, and hung out with my sisters kids.  Nearly broke my neck trying to rolypoly off of the footstool in a competition with my 7 year old niece (she does a bridge and flicks her legs over backwards, working towards being able to do it off the floor so she can go up a grade in gymnastics).  Me, as I said, could barely rolypoly off the dang thing.  When was it I got old?  But this is why the kids love me, I'm not afraid to look like an incompetent idiot in front of them.

And back to work tomorrow.  But thats only for 6 months, as if I can save 10k TJL said I can quit and be a 'farmers wife' .... YES!  Wish me luck!

What a week

It really feels like it has been such a huge week, and I guess it has.

The earthquake in Christchurch really has the whole country shook up.  So many lives lost, so many more missing.  It is, indeed, a tragedy of huge proportions for a country our size.  For those of us not in the same island, we are left feeling helpless.  But I know that this is, by far and away, is a much better feeling than what the poor souls in Chch are feeling, homeless, waterless, foodless, clotheless, and having lost loved ones.  Thankfully I have been able to locate all of my friends, bar one, from Chch, and the one that is still 'missing' is just not a huge user of FB anyway (my only way of contacting her), plus they may not have power etc, so my prayers are that she and her family are fine.  The company I work for is the largest in NZ, and they have donated $1mil, plus they will match employees donations dollar for dollar up to a further $1mil, which I think is fabulous.  Obviously I am donating through them as my funds allow.

The reality of it all hit home when a lady at work posted on the intranet that her daughter, daughters partner and their 3 week old baby had arrived at her place with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  Their jobs no longer exist, neither does their house.  So I have donated a large box of my clothes, plus the baby clothes my sister passed onto me in the hopes that we, one day, have a baby.   I hope the clothes I donated were suitable.  I tried to ensure that they were of great quality, but I did not know the sizes required.  At least they can pass on any unsuitable ones.

During this time TJL and I were supposed to be doing the BD.  TJL does not perform well under pressure, so we managed 2 out of 4 days.  Good enough, I hope.  Of course, I have had a bit of an upset stomach, and being an infertile, I'm thinking, hey, maybe thats a sign that THIS MONTH it worked.  Or it could just be a reaction to the tablets I took.

I also spent 2 of my 4 work days NOT SPEAKING!  These are 12 HOUR DAYS.  It was TOUGH!  I am a talker, and that's no lie.  It was with the aim of raising money for NZ Cancer Society (Relay for Life).  The first day a colleague did it with me, friday I was on my own.  I think we raised about $150.00, which shows you how much people want me to be quieter at work ... lol   It actually drove a few people nuts at work, made the day boring and slow without my chit-chat and joking around.  I just might be a bit loud.  And it is amazing how people start 'signing' back to you, even though they were allowed to speak.  And it really gave perspective on how hard it would be to be someone who can't communicate with everyone else.

Finally, we received information on the adoption process.  It will cost us around $57,000.00 to which TJL hardly battered an eyelid - GREAT SIGN!  Plus we would have to get married, hopefully will be the push TJL needs to get a move on in that department.  In April we have a two hour introduction seminar, and if we are still keen we will have 3 full day seminars in May-June.  These dates fit in perfectly with when the cows will have dried off, and TJL will be free all day, so I am stoked, AGAIN, that things appear to be working in our favour.  I am slightly worried how TJL will cope with full day seminars (even the two hour one).  School wasn't his strong point, apparently.  Luckily it was mine, so between the two of us we should be able to get through it.  I am looking forward and I am pleased that, for once, they don't seem to be occurring too far away in the future.

So life is good, moving forward at a nice pace, and we like that!

1 folicle to size, look out TJL

Had my mid-cycle scan today.  Only two folicles in the right (none in the left), and only one is of the right size, but I am more than happy to take it.  So TJL has tonight off, then its BD time for 4 nights in a row (he has been warned).  Should we fail to get pg this cycle, then I have double the dose of whateveritwas it was I took on last day 3 to 7.  Kind of exciting in an 'I don't want to get my hopes up' kind of way.

Today I also got around to re-contacting CYFs, who put me onto the local adoption lady, who emailed me straight away and has put the info. into the post for me today!  YAY!  It seems I am far better off emailing this department rather than phoning, as I did last time.  This suits me as I HATE using the telephone, I will phone people, but prefer not to.  I think there is a seminar we need to attend coming up in about July, and we may need to be married (I DEFINITELY do not have a problem with this, and it might just be the push TJL needs!), but things are chugging along nicely in this area as well.

The only other thing I did today was make a start tidying my 'office' area.  It is a SHOCKER!  It is looking a lot better, but I plan to only do 5 minutes a work day (c'mon, after 12 hours plus 1 hour travel I don't have THAT much energy left), and that is better than nothing.

So, YAY, it has been a step towards getting some children kinda day!

Getting back into my stride

If only my life could be rowed up so neat and tidy!

Ack.  I started the new year off well.  I even had a recap at the beginning of this month.  And then TJL and I went to Palmy North for Speedway Teams Champs, and all my routines and improved behaviour went right out the window.

TV has snuck right in, which means my bible reading and the love dare have snuck right out.

Fizzy drink has returned to my diet, as well as McD's, and all manner of junk food.

Ack.  I repeat, ACK!

And what have I learned from this relapse?

That I can not improve myself without regular communication with God.  I need to read Gods word EVERY.  MORNING.  to keep myself focused and heading along the right track.

With Gods help, I can begin to get my messy life into some semblance of order

I have learned that I can not do it alone.  I just can't.  Without the Lord leading the way, I am a mess.  Without immersing myself in His word and living my life geared towards him, I am not living the best life that I could be.  By attempting to live my life without total focus on pleasing God, I then end up pleasing no one, not myself, not TJL, not anyone.

And so once again, I am down before God, asking for his forgiveness and begging for his help, to get me back on track and functioning every day in the way that He desires me to.

Just when you think the Devil is winning, you get an award

A big thank you to Allison for giving me an award.  Apologies Allison, for failing to 'pick' it up earlier, and I sure hope I am accepting it the right way.

So step 1 was to thank the nominator - so, THANKS  ALLISON!

Step 2 is to share 7 things about myself, hmmmmm

1.  I was raised atheist but God found me around 18 months ago.  I still have not been brave enough to go to church yet, but I am sure I will get there one day.  Its pretty scary when you have NO IDEA of what 'goes on', titheing, etc

2.  I desperately want children, biological, adopted, foster, what ever.  But should our endeavors in this regard fail, I plan to get back into riding horses and resume competing (something I have not done since I was 15).  This is my way of ensuring life goes on and I don't get too hung up on it.

3.  I was super skinny as a child and teenager, and have put on a lot of weight over the last 3 years.  At this stage my desire to lose weight and be healthy is not stronger than my desire to eat unhealthy food.  Weird thing is I am almost opposite to an anorexic, where, if I am picturing myself in my head I still see that skinny kid *sigh*.  God is obviously helping me win the battle with this demon, as I really do not like the situation, physically, that I am in.

4.  I love, love, love animals, and will never, ever live in town again (if I can help it).  We have 1 dog, 1 cat, 3 goldfish, and numerous cows.  I prefer sheep farming, but dairy farming is where the $$ are at, and it will hopefully lead us to owning a sheep farm for me at some stage.  My favourite smells in the entire world are freshly baled hay, and freshly shorn wool!

5.  We can only go on holiday during a New Zealand Autumn/Winter (nature of farming).  I want to go to Russia and see how orphanages are run, TJL wants to go to Australia or Fiji.  He will win, this year, as he will be paying ... hehehe.  I must admit it will be nice to hang out on a beach for a couple of weeks and just totally chill out.

6.  The only job I have ever wanted to do was to be a farmers wife.  I finally found my farmer (at the ripe old age of 36), but until we have children I 'have' to work.  I don't like to work.  Whenever I am at work I always think of what I would rather be doing.  The one thing I do like about work is earning $$ so I don't have to ask TJL for $$ whenever I need some.

7.  I like guy stuff.  If we are at speedway I like to hang out in the pits with 'the boys', I like to drive the tractor, I prefer the comfortableness of guys clothes, and I always prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls.  My best friends are girls though, but my best workmates are the boys, all of which are leaving me!  3 to go back to university (yes I like guys who are a lot younger!) and 1 is going off on his OE.  I am not looking forward to being back at work without my boys - enter cattyness and gossip *YUCK*

The final thing is to nominate 15 blogs for the award.  So now I am going to FAIL.  I love ALL the blogs I read, and I am pretty sure the majority of them already have awards.  So, you know what, if you read this post AND you have a blog AND you have not received an award, consider yourself nominated!

Pray, Plan, Practice

I really struggle some days to appreciate what I have.  I know I have it pretty good, okay lets be honest here, I have it pretty darn excellent.  Sure my finances are not exactly in order.  Sure I am 40 pounds over weight.  Sure we don't have any children.  But I have never missed a meal in my entire life (maybe I need to, but I haven't).  I have always had clothes suitable for the seasons.  Whenever I have ever needed a helping hand (or money) my family has always been there.  And then there's the fact I grew up in the country and had horses, and dogs, and cats, and pet lambs, and everything a kid could want.  And now I again live in the country, and there is nowhere I would rather be.  Truth be told, I am pretty darn spoiled.

So why do I focus on what everyone else has, namely children, and why I don't yet have mine.  Why am I 'jealous' that everyone else 'seems' to be getting what they want, and I'm not?  I am not 'jealous' in the sense that I don't feel joy for other people, but jealous in just wondering 'when will it be my turn?'  I know I need to be patient and God will deliver when he is ready, but somedays I just feel so desperate.  I guess being aged 39 leads me towards being desperate.  To adopt we can only be 40 years older than the youngest child.  Which is ok.  The youngest would be 1 when I am 41, but OH how time feels like it is going so slowly.

The dragging of time would be due to the fact we are still trying for our own biological child, which to me, at times, feels like it is just costing us time.  If we had just decided to adopt I would feel like we were getting closer to having children, as the process would be under way, but because we are trying for one of our own the adoption process has been put on hold and there are still no guarantees that we will have one of our own.  And as each month goes by where we are always waiting - waiting to be tested, waiting to be scanned, waiting to start medication, - I feel both options slipping from my grasp.

So what can I do about it?

Pray.  Pray that God grants me the patience to wait.  Pray that God will reveal his plan will to me sooner rather than later.  Pray that I have the unwavering faith in God so I can feel peace in knowing that my life is in His hands.

Plan.  Plan the spare room so it is a welcoming childs room.  Plan so I have the finances available to me when I do require them.  Plan so that our house is open and ready for children by removing clutter and junk and creating space.

Practice.  Practice loving TJL so whatever comes our way our relationship will be strong.  Practice counting my blessings so I live a life bringing glory to God and peace to myself.  Practice being active so whatever comes our way I will be physically be able to cope.

Pray, plan, practice!

God, Love and Fitness

And so the joys of infertility continue.  Now I'm not exactly obsessive by nature, and I'm just living my infertility life with the whole, 'She'll be right' attitude.  So I think my cycle is usually somewhere around 23 to 28 days, but occasionally Aunt Flow gives me a longer wait.  I think she is doing that to me this month.  If only I could remember when I had her last.  I think it was around the 3rd or 4th of January.

HUH!  Shows you what I know, just looked back at my blog an she was here on the 10th Jan, so I'm a week out, silly old dingbat!   And that is why folks, I never get my hopes up!  LOL!  I have, however, been having minor stomach cramps for about a week.  Which I do sometimes get.  But you know, one does still like to believe that a miracle has happened.  And counting back the days it does mean she is due any day now, or anywhere up to 5 days away.  She will probably show up tomorrow since TJL and I going away for this weekend.  Romantic?  I think not!  Lucky we are going away to watch cars race around a dirt track for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS -hmmm noise and dust, nothing romantic there.  And of course AF is going to show up when I am spending ALL DAY Saturday photographing a horse event.  *sigh*  At least this show has a couple of breaks during the day AND handy, nice toilets to use.

So yes.  This is why I keep a blog, so I can track some aspects of my cycle.  I'm such a shocker!

In other news:-

My bible reading is going really well this time.  I am writing 'notes' as I go, an it is definitely giving me a better understanding.  Mostly because my 'notes' are practically writing the entire Bible out in long hand.  Being totally new to the Bible, and Christianity, I am reading it like you would any other book, ie from front to back, as I have no idea how to read any different.  I am currently up to Cain and Abel, which does feel like slow progress, but it is much better than no progress at all.  This would be the third time I have attempted to read the Bible, with the other two attempts failing early on with utter confusion.  Yes, writing it down is by far THE best method.

My Love Dare is also going well.  Again I am writing notes as I go, and God is helping me to be brave in asking TJL the questions I need to ask, and telling TJL the things I need to tell him.  I am learning SO much.  I love it.  And I can feel myself changing and growing every day.

Finally I am also reading Candace Cameron Bure with Darlene Schachts' book Reshaping it all.  What a FANTASTIC book!  I highly recommend it.  If you do not have a copy I definitely recommend that you get one, whether you need to lose weight or not.  It is SUCH an INSPIRATIONAL book, not just for weight loss but for living a faith filled life where you are guided by God to eat wholesome, healthy foods until you are SATISFIED rather than full.  Does GLUTTONY ring a bell with anyone?

Go here to order it from Amazon

It will definitely be a book I repeatedly dip into as I progress on my weight-loss journey.  A book I can use for inspiration and a tool to help me pick myself up when I begin to fail, all with Gods guidance of course.

Life is GOOD!  Actually life is AWESOME and I have the Lord to thank for that so THANK YOU LORD!

New Years Resolution Re-cap

Start of February seems like a good time to recap, and refocus on, my New Years Resolutions.

Number 1 was to lose weight.  And I haven't lost anything.  I haven't gained anything either, so I guess that is a start.  I have been successful in cutting down the consumption of soft drinks (down from 1 can/bottle a day to under 1 a week).  Unfortunately I then proceeded to take up creating my own milkshakes instead, with LOTS of ice-cream.  This appears to have negated the benefit of giving up soft drink in regards to weight-loss - well DUH!  So for February I am now giving up my daily milkshake and I shall just stick to water, but will allow myself 1 soft drink OR milkshake a week (even if I go to McDonalds, out for lunch, out for dinner etc.)  I am also working on focusing on the fact that take-aways, slices, and junk food in general are TREAT foods, NOT everyday foods.  I lost that focus a bit this week, and had a few too many slices at work.  February will be the month that I eat fruit and nuts, rather than slices and junk, for afternoon tea.  This is especially applicable at work, where, by 3pm (having already worked 9 hours and having 3 more to go) I feel entitled to a slice.  It also means that I need to eat my lunch, and NOT my lunch AND afternoon tea at lunch time meaning that I HAVE to buy a slice for afternoon tea.  Gosh I'm good at falsely justifying my 'bad' choices when it suits me.

2.  Reduce TV watching.  I have cut down TV a lot in January.  I no longer switch it on first thing in the morning when I am home.  I do need to practice switching it off when I get home from work, as truth be told, there really is not anything on that I need or want to watch.  Most of my TV time is spent channel surfing anyway!  What a WASTE of time!  When I am not at work on my first day off I am the worst, as I am pretty tired and need to blob and relax, so the TV comes on earlier than it should.  For February I plan to make my day 1 off my Sabbath, where my relax time will involve reading, being with TJL and just general relaxing.  The other three days, I will get the radio on and get the ...

3.  House clean and tidy.  I am definitely getting it slowly under control.  January has seen the kitchen clean and tidy each night before bed.  I do let myself down on a work day 4, where I decide that I can tidy it the next morning and, again, falsely justify it by 'I have just worked 4 12hour days and I am TIRED'.  Truth is, it only takes 10 minutes tops to do, so I am just being slack!  I will continue this practice for February, and begin to make improvements to other rooms in our house, beginning with our bedroom!

4.  Focus on the positives in my life.  I have been really good in this respect, especially in this last week, where I have been getting up before work to read my Bible and 'The Love Dare'.  This is really helping me be positive and focus on being a better partner to TJL and focusing more on the truth of situations rather than my INTERPRETATION of the truth.  In February I will continue the practice of reading the Bible and The Love Dare before work, and building on becoming the person I always wanted to be.

5.  Live life to the fullest.  This means that I not only have to stop watching the TV, but also get off the computer.  I do spend far too much time reading blogs, chatrooms, FB, etc.  I plan to core down my blog favourites (no offence to anyone, but I just don't have the time to read all the ones that I want to).  Having so many to read also means that I am focusing on the WRONG things in my life.  I have been focusing on how other people live rather than focusing on God and on living my life.   It is time to step back and allow God to fulfill me instead of searching for what it is I think will fulfill me.  It is time to stop dreaming of the live(s) that I wish I had and focus on living and appreciating the life that God has gifted to me.

Patience

So I am attempting to get through 'The Love Dare', again.  I did not get very far through it last time.  More than likely something 'frightened me' or something was 'too hard' so I just let it go.  I don't know what or where it was (can't have been too far into the book) but I shall give it a much better go this time.

I have a bit of a plan for reading and completing the dare this time.

Firstly I will review the chapter and write my achievements for the day each night, and then read the chapter for the next day, so I am prepared for the following day.

Secondly I have decided to get up half an hour earlier than usual.  This means that I will be getting up at 4.30am!  Yes that is 4.30am on work days, of which I will spend 15 minutes reading, and taking notes from The Bible, and then 15 minutes re-reading the current chapter from 'The Love Dare' and writing down the dare for the day, so it is in the forefront of my mind.

Thirdly I am just going to have to get brave.  I don't know what it is about me, but I am 'afraid' of love - although I don't really know if that is it, or just what I think it is.  The word 'love' does not come easily to me.  I only ever tell TJL I love him when I am trying to be 'funny' and embarrass him by yelling it out when we are outside in the hopes that the neighbours and/or boss will hear me.  I never tell my parents or sister or friends that I love them, except in the sign-off part of birthday and Christmas cards, so that doesn't really count, as that's pretty easy.

I think, perhaps, my biggest fear is embarrassing myself.  The risk of TJL laughing AT me, or asking me what CRAZY thing I am up to now, or even the risk of embarrassing him (as in a friend of his had a note from his ex-girlfriend in his toolbox that TJL found, and of course TJL then ribbed his friend mercilessly forever).  I guess it makes me nervous that if I did that for him he would hate it, or be embarrassed, or he would just be uncomfortable, or just treat it as a joke, when it wasn't.

Yeah, I wonder why love is so hard for me.  I guess upbringing has something to do with it.  My parents rarely told me that they loved me (although I knew and still know that they do - actions speak louder than words!), and I always HATED being hugged and kissed by aunts, uncles, anyone (and still do, even Mum and Dad aren't allowed to).  My 'rule' is altered for the nieces and nephews, and I can say 'I love you too', to them - but only if they said it's first, and I'm still not THAT comfortable with it.  I can, however, tell my animals that I love them, easy peasy!  A fear of rejection, perhaps.

I think I'm just crazy.  Or different perhaps.  Perhaps I don't have to fit the mould of everyone else.  Perhaps I don't have to 'gush' about how much I miss TJL when I'm away (truth be told, I don't miss him THAT much, which sounds terrible, but it's not.   I am so used to having lived alone and I never get to be alone now so now, I cherish being away).  Perhaps I just have to make my own spin on Valentines day, and while I am reading blogs that are doing a 25 Day Praise Plan for Valentines day, perhaps I need to take what they are suggesting I do, and just do it in my own way.

I am also planning on writing down each night "I love TJL" and maybe, just maybe, I will get confident enough to say it out loud and mean it.

Lord, see how flawed I am!  You sure do have your work cut out for you, but We are working on it, aren't We!

Farm 'shopping'

TJL and I went and walked over a couple of farms that are on the market today.  One is just up the road from where we currently live, and the other was about 20 minutes away.  I can't believe how tired I am after having walked over them.  Just how unfit am I?  Lets not even begin to pretend I want that question answered.  I am pleased that we walked rather than drove our vehicle though, as obviously I need the exercise.

We preferred the first farm.  Originally it had a 'homestead' of some sort on it, and I am just IN LOVE with the foundations - as crazy as that sounds.  I only had my phone to take pictures on, so I might have to head up next open day and take some on my camera 'proper'.  Can one really purchase a farm based on the remains of a homestead - I think so.  Of course it all depends on what the bank will lend us, what our parents will lend us, and what the vendor wants, but it sure was a nice property.  Ideally the owners of our current farm will want to sell sooner rather than later and we can buy here, but OH THOSE FOUNDATIONS!  Pathetic description is a rectangle of concrete (are you thrilled yet) but with these neat stone pillars.  Totally overgrown etc, but if you can build within the original, WOW.  And the view of Mt Taranaki you would get, just awesome!  And in my head I can picture raising a family there, having guests over to admire the view, you know how it goes in fantasy land ...

Second one we looked at was not as good.  Just didn't feel 'right'.  Of course we bumped into people that TJL knows (he knows EVERYONE in this district).  And typically they had a wee one in a car seat in the back, and she was expecting again.  *sigh*  At times you just feel surrounded by it all.

I'm just waiting patiently, well as patiently as I can.

I have picked up the tablets I need to start on the next cycle in the hopes that my folicles will WAKE UP and grow larger than the measley 9mm they were last time (I think, from memory).  Then of course I will  need to go and have equipment put where equipment should never be put, to see what effect the stuff has had.

Hoping for a miracle as per usual, and our first month on this regime we will get pregnant (well taking tablets on day 3 to 7 of a cycle is hardly a regime, but it's a start).  Really, all we can do is pray that God decides that now is our time, and if He decides it's not, then we shall just carry on and hope that His plan gets revealed more and more as the days go by.