Patience

So I am attempting to get through 'The Love Dare', again.  I did not get very far through it last time.  More than likely something 'frightened me' or something was 'too hard' so I just let it go.  I don't know what or where it was (can't have been too far into the book) but I shall give it a much better go this time.

I have a bit of a plan for reading and completing the dare this time.

Firstly I will review the chapter and write my achievements for the day each night, and then read the chapter for the next day, so I am prepared for the following day.

Secondly I have decided to get up half an hour earlier than usual.  This means that I will be getting up at 4.30am!  Yes that is 4.30am on work days, of which I will spend 15 minutes reading, and taking notes from The Bible, and then 15 minutes re-reading the current chapter from 'The Love Dare' and writing down the dare for the day, so it is in the forefront of my mind.

Thirdly I am just going to have to get brave.  I don't know what it is about me, but I am 'afraid' of love - although I don't really know if that is it, or just what I think it is.  The word 'love' does not come easily to me.  I only ever tell TJL I love him when I am trying to be 'funny' and embarrass him by yelling it out when we are outside in the hopes that the neighbours and/or boss will hear me.  I never tell my parents or sister or friends that I love them, except in the sign-off part of birthday and Christmas cards, so that doesn't really count, as that's pretty easy.

I think, perhaps, my biggest fear is embarrassing myself.  The risk of TJL laughing AT me, or asking me what CRAZY thing I am up to now, or even the risk of embarrassing him (as in a friend of his had a note from his ex-girlfriend in his toolbox that TJL found, and of course TJL then ribbed his friend mercilessly forever).  I guess it makes me nervous that if I did that for him he would hate it, or be embarrassed, or he would just be uncomfortable, or just treat it as a joke, when it wasn't.

Yeah, I wonder why love is so hard for me.  I guess upbringing has something to do with it.  My parents rarely told me that they loved me (although I knew and still know that they do - actions speak louder than words!), and I always HATED being hugged and kissed by aunts, uncles, anyone (and still do, even Mum and Dad aren't allowed to).  My 'rule' is altered for the nieces and nephews, and I can say 'I love you too', to them - but only if they said it's first, and I'm still not THAT comfortable with it.  I can, however, tell my animals that I love them, easy peasy!  A fear of rejection, perhaps.

I think I'm just crazy.  Or different perhaps.  Perhaps I don't have to fit the mould of everyone else.  Perhaps I don't have to 'gush' about how much I miss TJL when I'm away (truth be told, I don't miss him THAT much, which sounds terrible, but it's not.   I am so used to having lived alone and I never get to be alone now so now, I cherish being away).  Perhaps I just have to make my own spin on Valentines day, and while I am reading blogs that are doing a 25 Day Praise Plan for Valentines day, perhaps I need to take what they are suggesting I do, and just do it in my own way.

I am also planning on writing down each night "I love TJL" and maybe, just maybe, I will get confident enough to say it out loud and mean it.

Lord, see how flawed I am!  You sure do have your work cut out for you, but We are working on it, aren't We!