I really struggle some days to appreciate what I have. I know I have it pretty good, okay lets be honest here, I have it pretty darn excellent. Sure my finances are not exactly in order. Sure I am 40 pounds over weight. Sure we don't have any children. But I have never missed a meal in my entire life (maybe I need to, but I haven't). I have always had clothes suitable for the seasons. Whenever I have ever needed a helping hand (or money) my family has always been there. And then there's the fact I grew up in the country and had horses, and dogs, and cats, and pet lambs, and everything a kid could want. And now I again live in the country, and there is nowhere I would rather be. Truth be told, I am pretty darn spoiled.
So why do I focus on what everyone else has, namely children, and why I don't yet have mine. Why am I 'jealous' that everyone else 'seems' to be getting what they want, and I'm not? I am not 'jealous' in the sense that I don't feel joy for other people, but jealous in just wondering 'when will it be my turn?' I know I need to be patient and God will deliver when he is ready, but somedays I just feel so desperate. I guess being aged 39 leads me towards being desperate. To adopt we can only be 40 years older than the youngest child. Which is ok. The youngest would be 1 when I am 41, but OH how time feels like it is going so slowly.
The dragging of time would be due to the fact we are still trying for our own biological child, which to me, at times, feels like it is just costing us time. If we had just decided to adopt I would feel like we were getting closer to having children, as the process would be under way, but because we are trying for one of our own the adoption process has been put on hold and there are still no guarantees that we will have one of our own. And as each month goes by where we are always waiting - waiting to be tested, waiting to be scanned, waiting to start medication, - I feel both options slipping from my grasp.
So what can I do about it?
Pray. Pray that God grants me the patience to wait. Pray that God will reveal his plan will to me sooner rather than later. Pray that I have the unwavering faith in God so I can feel peace in knowing that my life is in His hands.
Plan. Plan the spare room so it is a welcoming childs room. Plan so I have the finances available to me when I do require them. Plan so that our house is open and ready for children by removing clutter and junk and creating space.
Practice. Practice loving TJL so whatever comes our way our relationship will be strong. Practice counting my blessings so I live a life bringing glory to God and peace to myself. Practice being active so whatever comes our way I will be physically be able to cope.
Pray, plan, practice!