TJL 36th birthday

Yesterday was TJL's 36th birthday - yes, technically, I am a 'cougar', but it's only three years, and I don't think it REALLY counts at our age.

We spent the evening with TJL's Mum, Dad, Sister, BIL, and their 4 children.  As TJL's sister had a funeral to attend earlier in the day, TJL's mum had 3 of the 4 children.  So 'Mum', 'Dad', and 3 children arrived at 6pm, pretty much on.the.dot.  Sis, BIL and #4 did not arrive until after 7pm, so we had the task of 'entertaining', which, once you find 'bouncy balls', was pretty darn easy.  Would have been easier if we had 3 bouncy balls, but two was enough.  Especially for TJL when the kidlets found out that IF you bounce the ball out into the paddock, TJL has to go and fetch it.  Now THAT'S a FUN game!   

 What would YOU do if you saw this pack advancing toward you?

 G2 being 'oh so cutsie', solely for the photo

 'Take a photo of me dancing, Aunty Sally'  G2, for some unknown reason, calls me Aunty Sally (or Sandy), amongst other things.  I think at one point I was Uncle Kathy ... lol.  I just answer, regardless.

 J all smiles, unless he didn't have one of the two bouncy balls, or if he wanted the camera himself

 'I have the bouncy ball!'

 'I'm gonna get that bouncy ball'

 'Here I come, rahhhhhhhh!'

 C with a bouncy ball and a twirl

 Lets make Uncle T fetch a bouncy ball from the paddock, AGAIN

 Hey!  Wait for me!

 Wheeeeeee

 Wheeeeee

 Wheeeeeeeee!

Uncle T!

Another way to entertain them all, was to let them 'play' with my small point 'n' shoot camera.  They got some good shots.  The goldfish were photographed MANY times.  And for some reason, so was my chest - which I didn't realise until I looked at the photos today.  And a lot of close-ups of faces.  Really funny.

And as an aside, my stomach HURTS from today.  I hope that this is 'normal'.  I think it most likely is, but I am feeling pretty 'blah'.  Will see how I am tomorrow, as to whether I think I need to see a doctor or not.

I must admit I am super glad I still have one more day off work tomorrow, YES! 

Clean, clear, and under control?

Finally had my HSG this morning.  Ugh.  I can think of a bazillion better ways of spending 20 or so minutes (like the 20 or so minutes I spent waiting to go in to have the HSG).  Mind you, I could probably think of a bazillion worse ways of spending 20 or so minutes (like how I would imagine Chemotherapy to be).

Anyway, it looks like my tubes are clear ... 'Hooray!', although I must admit I have been kind of focusing on adoption lately, rather than having our own, so weirdly enough, I have mixed feelings.  HOW.  CRAZY.  AM.  I?  Obviously I am glad my tubes are clear, but I do want to continue to look into adoption regardless of whether TJL and I have biological children or not.  The adoption side of things will just have to be put on the back-burner for a while.  I guess, due to my age, I am still a bit confused as to what path to take.  If my tubes were blocked then adoption would definitely be the forerunner.  As they aren't then biological comes out ahead.  I guess the fear is, if we go biological and fail, will we be out of time for adoption (in the sense that I am getting ever closer to 40, and NZ 'law' has it that the parents will not be more than 40 years older than the youngest child).  Guess it still gives us two years to get a 1 year old, so not so bad.

Coincidentally, this morning when I took a look in our 'spare' room which would be 'the baby's room', God whispered in my ear (well in my thoughts), that I haven't exactly 'prepared' for any arrivals and perhaps it is time to do so.  Not in the sense of full on nursery decorating etc, but we (I) could make the room more child ready and appropriate.  And if we are unsuccessful in all of our endeavours (biological child, adoption, fostering) then the room would be ready for any one of our 8 nieces and nephews to come and stay, and would be ready for them in the meantime too.

So this afternoon I wait for a call from Dr Fufu as to our next step.  From memory I will start a minimum level dosage of some kind of hormone to activate my lazy folicles on my next cycle, which will be February.

Exciting.  Scary.  I am so GLAD that this is in God's hands, and I can just 'relax' myself about it.

I've got an appointment - woop woop

Aunt Flo started today, so 8am I was on the phone to the radiology department to try and book a hysteriothingeemablobit.  First couple of times I rang I was a bit early and they had not opened yet.  Then I got through but got the answer phone, so I rang twice more, before leaving a message on said answer phone.

And then I waited.  And I wondered.  And I worried.  And I asked TJL what time I should call back if I hadn't heard anything (he said 9.30).  So I folded washing, and worried, and wondered until I thought.  WHAT AM I DOING HERE?  God is taking care of this, just relax, it is in His capable hands.

And less than 1 minute later the phone rang.  Hooray.  It was the clinic.  Hooray!  Someone had rung in and cancelled and I had an appointment booked for 19th Jan @ 9.00am!  HOORAY!  Thank you God, I am truly a blessed being.

So in a weeks time we shall know whether my tubes are blocked or not, and then what course of action we will take.  Tubes not blocked = hormones to wake up my lazy folicles and prayer that we conceive.  Tubes blocked = adoption or get said tube(s) cleared.  Whatever happens I praise God for taking my worries upon Himself and leaving me to just be.

Unbelieve-a-bull

 Yesterday was the last day the 'bulls' got to be out with the cows, so after last nights milking TJL took B1 out and put him in with B2.  Originally both B1 and B2 were in with the cows, but we had to separate them as they were fighting.  Having spent the last 18 months together, we figured they would be fine being back together now no females were involved.  We were wrong.  Some time in the early hours, while TJL was milking (and I was sleeping), B1 and B2 had a fight, smashed the fence down, and B2 decided to 'explore the neighbourhood'.  I must admit, living in an area that is ALL dairy farms, the only worry was if a vehicle hit him, no real worries that the human residents of the area would be terribly scared of a Jersey Bull, unlike if he was in a city *cue screaming residents here*.

 The result of two bulls fighting, three broken posts - the fence had no chance

 Yep, they created a bit of work for TJL, and the neighbours, as we 'hunted' B2 down.

 TJL digging a post hole, to replace the smashed one

 B2 was found and had gone in this direction.  I got to stand, and wait.  I wasn't too sure how far away he was (apparently around 2kms).  And wait.  And wait.

 Then I finally heard the motorbikes, and B2 bellowing, and out he popped from the neighbours driveway

 TJL and the boss brought B2 along the road and up to our driveway (where I was positioned to turn him into his paddock).  He did attempt to go up the boss' driveway, boss yelled 'you're not bl**dy going in there' and so down he came further to our place

 And into our place he trundled, bellowing most of the way

 Safe and sound back in his paddock, he proceeded to tell the entire neighbourhood about his adventures.

 He then settled back into his paddock

 Had a bit of a dust bath

And made right with the world.  He is such a HANDSOME fellow, I'd love to give him a cuddle, but I don't think he'd appreciate it.  Since his return he has had a couple of big sleeps, must have been quite an adventure for him.  Funny how last night I asked TJL if we should close the road gate but I could not explain my reasoning - note to self - 'next time listen to 'your gut', it's actually God having a whisper in your ear!

After these fun time adventures I finally decided to make my first ever strawberry jam.  Ummmmmm.  Most of my jamming strawberries were now mouldy!  Argh!  So I just used what I had.

Cut and then slightly mushed strawberries

Same weight in sugar

Give 'em a bit of a stir

Boil around 10 minutes (I did only about 6 minutes as I was paranoid they would burn)

Prep the only 5 jars you have, just incase ...

Find out you only have 3/4 of a jar worth. 

Have yet to taste test it, shall have it on toast tomorrow, I am so looking forward to it!  Hmmmmmm jam!

Big girl pants

So I did it, I phoned CYFS, but I didn't get very far as the lady who deals with inter-country adoptions isn't in until tomorrow.  Told you, very small country, it sounds like only one person deals with it ... lol.  Hopefully she phones tomorrow, or the next day, otherwise I am back at work and TJL might have to deal with it - oh no!  lol   The cool thing was, on my drive back from town Joyce Meyer came on the radio with the profound words she once heard 'do it afraid', and so that is how I am choosing to approach this foray into adoption.  Do.  It.  Afraid.   So, in-spite of my fears that Trent is not 100% onboard with adoption (see next paragraph), in-spite of my fears that it is going to be 'too hard', 'too expensive', 'too much work' and a whole heap of other things swirling around in my head, I am going to pursue adoption in-spite of my fears.  God will provide all that I need.  God will give TJL confidence.   God will provide the funds. God will see us through the hard work, the trials, the tribulations.  God will direct us to where-ever he needs us to be.

TJL did say today that he is nervous.  And he kept saying 'its a big step'.  And generally I got the impression that he is not all that keen, but he knows how badly I want it, so he is 'going along with it'.  To which, I pointed out that, that just would not work.   It has to be either both of us wanting it or not at all.  I posed the question - 'would you prefer adopted children, or none at all?', and I was not too sure of the answer.  He said he wanted children.  To which I pointed out, that, then, was it not best to get all of the homestudy and checks underway now so we are good to go should adoption be our path.  To which he agreed.  I think, perhaps, that it is happening a bit too quick for him, despite the fact we have been trying to conceive for over 2 years, and I have been mentioning adoption for the last year.  He still holds out hope for a child of our own, whereas I just want children, regardless of where they come from.  And who, aside from God, knows what is going to be.  We may have our own, we may adopt, we may just stay a family of two, regardless of which, it is in Gods hands and we will be happy with his plan.

On another subject, I did a wee bit of a kitchen tidy-up today, so I have chucked in a few before and after photos.  I purchased a small two shelf bookcase for $12.50, which I now store my herbs, spices, and breakfast condiments etc.  I think its pretty amazing how much difference it made to getting my, previously user unfriendly containers of herbs etc off of the bench.  I am very happy with myself!

Before

 After

 Before

After

My new spice and condiment shelves.  I LIKE IT!  (and TJL does too, and thats what counts!)

Adoption?

 I brought up the idea of adoption (from Russia) up with TJL this morning, and he was totally open to it, so I am going to try and put my 'big girl pants' on tomorrow and phone CYFS (the Government organisation that deals with all the guff in NZ - bonus of being a teeny tiny country, options are limited, usually down to one ... lol) and see if they can send me out some information.  I have a strong dislike of using the telephone, hence the need for 'big girl pants'!  I can access a lot of information on the internet, so I think I might just be getting the ball rolling.  I have not exactly given up on having our own, but time is ticking and if I don't get onto adoption soon then the adoption clock might run out too.

Of course now I have been kind of given the go-ahead (surely by now TJL knows that I am likely to become obsessed with the idea, so he should not give me any inkling to progress with something unless he is sure he wants me too), my mind is full.  I want three (TJL would prefer two).  My reason for wanting three is to do with a) chances are we would get them sooner and, more importantly, b) hopefully it would mean a bit less trauma flying around the world with strangers you are going to be living with.  It would be like a wee built in support system.   Ages would be around 7, 4, and 2 (as they they would fit in with their cousins (7 of them aged 7 to 1 currently)).  And Russia, because they would 'look like us', which I think would make it easier on them at school etc.  Told you, obsessed already!

Anyhow, tonight we went to TJL's nieces 6th birthday.  C turns 6 tomorrow.  TJL's sister has 4 children.  At one point she had 4 children under 5.  If you are looking for your fertility, I think TJL's sister has it.  I'm guessing that she has mine!  Lol!

Birthday girl C

Next one down, G

Number three, Big Boy J

And the baby of the family, S

A good time was had by all, and I am glad that I FINALLY got some photos of TJL's nieces and nephews.  I do have INTENSE guilt that our home is covered in my nieces and nephews pictures and only have one set of TJL's

Lord, please give me the strength and courage to phone CYFS tomorrow.  Please continue to guide TJL and I on whichever journey you have chosen for us.  Thank you for our continued blessings.

Bless my family

I think the biggest 'problem' I have with being childless, is the fact that I don't feel like I have a family.  Yes, I have my parents, and my sister, and TJL and his parents and his sister, and our sisters respective children, but we don't have 'our own' family.  We are, quite simply, 'a couple'.  A couple of what's might be the question ... hahaha.  And yes, we have a dog, and goldfish, and chickens and cows, but even though childless people call them their 'children', quite simply it's just not the same.  And so I either think I am missing out, or perhaps I just feel isolated in that I want a family and don't have one, and EVERYONE else out there does (yes, I know logically this statement is far from true, but sometimes it feels that way).

So today I decided that TJL and I ARE a family.  That's right, we are a family of 2.  If God blesses us with children in this life, whether biological, adopted, or fostered, then YES!  Thank you Lord!  It will be a dream come true.  If he decides that this is not the path for us, then I shall rejoice in, and focus on blessing, my family of 2.

And it's already working.  I had to go to the supermarket today after work.  I work a roster pattern of 4 days on, 4 days off.  And those 4 days on go from 6am to 6pm (so I'm up just before 5am),  usually getting home at 6.30pm, so it's a LONG day.  I don't mind supermarket shopping, really I don't, well not that much.  Sure people are ALWAYS in MY way, and they take FOREVER in the meat section, and park their trolleys in the most INCONVENIENT of places, and I just want to shop as fast as I can and THEY are all holding ME up.

Today, though, I focused on the task of supermarket shopping as blessing my family.  I relaxed the pace.  By shopping for wholesome food I am blessing MY FAMILY.  By selecting cleaning products and bathroom products I am BLESSING my family.  And look at all of these other people blessing THEIR families.  Oh happy days.  And you know what.  I shopped with a SMILE on my face, no scowl.  And the reception from other people, a smile back.  I repeat - Oh. happy.days!  By the way, where did I EVER get the idea that I was so much more important than EVERYONE else?  What a big head!

And now, I have the slow cooker on ready for tomorrows dinner.  To bless my family.  We are headed out to a concert tomorrow night, so I figured that I would get the dinner cooked tonight, switch it off tomorrow morning, and then we can just do a quick reheat tomorrow night before heading out.

Can you tell I am LOVING this concept of having discovered that I do have my own family.

It is amazing how the more I open my heart to God, the more I receive, and in ways I never imagined.

God, I love you unconditionally, as you do me!

It's all about me ...

... but not in the way you would think.

So I finally got home today, and after 3.5 hours of thinking, I was excited to be home.  Eager to receive the greeting from my significant other, who would be waiting for me like an excited puppy.  Cue ...

*Bubble Burst*

I'm pretty sure most of my greeting consisted of 'Hello MJ', and then I think there was some talk about mini-sprint race cars and what he has been up to.

*sigh*

In, what feels like ALL the blogs I read, the wife (not that we are married - long story involving me being an atheist until 2010) is cherished by her husband.  Whether they are struggling through infertility, have 1, 2 or more children, they appear to be lovingly cherished by their husbands, and I feel that I am not.

So I sulk.  I know, oh so mature!

And so enters God.

I begin to read some blog posts, and one of the first posts is by Time Warp Wife and then another one by Come Have a Peace.  And so I have a nice timely kick in the butt.

It's not about TJL and his actions, it's about me and MY actions, and my REactions to him.  Do I act in a way that makes him WANT to cherish me?  Do I act in a way that he has the CHANCE to cherish me?  Have I been providing the company and home that he yearns for?

The resounding answer to that would, of course, be NO!

And so, before I begin to complain that TJL is not 'acting' in a way that pleases me, I need to first begin to act in ways that please him.  I need to be more submissive so he knows that I do need his support and help. I need to slow down and give him a chance to approach me with his thoughts and ideas.  I need to keep a better home and garden.  I need to listen to him fully rather than distractedly.  I need to be the person to him that I wish he was to me, and only from that point can we begin to move forward.

I am thankful I have Gods strength to help me work on my many flaws, as I certainly would not be able to progress to where I need to be on my own.  How I survived for 38 years without God I will never know.  Perhaps that is because 'survive' is all that I did do, with God, I know, I can now begin to thrive!

The Day after New Years Day, day

Another gorgeous summers day, twas the day after New Years day *sigh*.  I have to admit, it is only once the Christmas Trees are down and decorations put away does it really 'feel' like summer.  I guess that is the Northern Hemisphere influence of Christmas (snow, dark early, hot drinks and meals) that kind of makes a NZ Christmas experience feel like it lacks somewhat.  I mean, we have to stay up until past 10pm to get the true effect of our Christmas lights ... oh how hard done by am I?  *joking*   And this is coming from someone who has never even been to the Northern Hemisphere (yet), so how much are 'we' influenced by media?  A lot obviously.   But yes, Summer is here with her beautiful (and dangerous) sun, meaning we swim, and swim, and have bbq's - oh the pure joy!

We did not get up to much yesterday.  Helped the sis pull down her Christmas Tree - 'Goodbye Christmas, see you 'next' year' was the call.  Just so you know, a 1 year old and baubles DON'T mix that well, they were strewn all OVER the show.  Lucky he is so cute.  When he wasn't causing that kind of chaos, he was busy climbing up the ladder just like Daddy (this was under adult supervision, and when finished, the ladder was removed from side of house).

I just absolutely must help Dad fix the windows!

G begged to play Monopoly - I bought a set for ME for $20 and thought I would bring it down for  a bit of fun.  Looks like we might be purchasing another $20 set for the sis' family as G just loves it.

 Finally playing Monopoly -  'I'M BANKER'

And Miss T, was just Miss T.  Causing mischief at many a turn, with either a 'NO!' when asked if she had done something naughty, or a 'whatever!' at everything else.  Confound her and her new cute haircut!

 How cute and innocent am I, playing 'Strawberry Shortcake'?.  What the photo does not portray is how Miss Shortcake was being contorted to be 'a bridge'

Family chaos fun.

And me?  Two days and no fizz!  And I have eaten a lot less than usual.  Minor 'chocolate' and 'dessert' indulgences, but heck, I'm surrounded by temptation AND I was hungry!  But the indulgences were extremely minimal by my standards.

All n all a fantastic Day After New Years Day

Amen!

Happy Niece T's Birthday - aka New Year

Yesterday was niece T's 4th birthday, and New Years Day.  I spent 3.5 hours of it driving from Eltham to Waipukurau, a drive I do all.the.time.  Most of the time I enjoy it, but I have been doing it a bit too often of late, so I am looking forward to staying home for my next few lots of days off.  Poor TJL is probably looking forward to me being home as well, to at least get the house clean and tidy, amongst other things!

 T with on of her pressies, a weird rubber ball thing.  P said she looked like a Puffin Bird!

So how are the New Years resolutions going?  Hmmmm.  Well it was a bit hard yesterday in the 'bless my body with healthy food' aspect.  Actually, when I think about it, it wasn't really that hard.  I had berries for snacks on the drive instead of chips, lollies and chocolate bars.  For lunch I had subway (chicken bacon ranch wrap with lettuce, tomato and capsicum - no sauce, no salt, no pepper - 'cause that's how I like it') and a bottle of water rather than McDonalds and fizz.  Of course arriving at my sisters house to a 4 year olds birthday 'party' meant I did have cake and a few chips and other 'cr*p' but nowhere near the amount I would usually take the opportunity to indulge in.

 T having a bit more cake with help from 'Mum', my big sis.  T has the most adorable haircut, due to hacking a piece off of it the previous day.

Less TV is also going well.  I had to truly fight the urge to switch it on first thing yesterday morning and managed to put the stereo on instead.  My sister is also like me, likes the TV on all day - for background noise rather than to 'watch' per se.  Obviously the eyes flick to it constantly.  I had to fight the urge again this morning, but remembered i-tunes (doh!) so I am playing music on my computer.  I am telling you, that little black box (well used to be a black box, is now more a giant flat screen) has magical powers of sucking you into it very easily!

C with a cheerio (obviously NOT cereal) having had quite enough of Aunt Me taking photos, he is so funny!

Exercise more resolution - well I jumped on the trampoline with the 'kids', including the neighbours kids, who would not let me off, plus I shot some hoops

House clean and tidy, hmmmm, well I did change the calendars over before I left, and all the Christmas decorations are down, but I am not there, again, to do much cleaning and tidying.  I will start working on this when I return, in three days time.

Positives in my life - will definitely be an ongoing thing as changing a mental attitude is FAR harder than doing (or not doing) something physical.  But my outlook is definitely brighter so far.

Plans for today - depending on temperatures (looking like it's going to be hot so far) swim, trampoline, hoops, park, Ma n Pa's (as an aside I actually managed to get a good photo of my Mum, C and my Uncle on the couch yesterday, but knowing my Mother I won't be posting any pictures up anywhere, just trust me, it was a nice one) and goodness knows what else.

Methinks it's time for breakie, wonder what sis has in the cupboards ...

... and a Happy New Year

I'm being a sad a** and ringing in the New Year, at home, in front of the TV, watching a movie I have seen a few times before.  TJL is falling asleep on the other couch.  How exciting are we?  We did have plans to go out, but I think I ended up just too tired.  Or lazy.  Can't figure out which.  Besides its a 1 hour drive to get to where we want to go, and since I'm travelling to Wai.puk.u.rau tomorrow

I'm looking forward to 2011, as I always look forward to a new year and a new start.  Heres hoping that 2011 is the 'year of the baby' for us.  If not, heres hoping that we can move forward in childlessness and learn to embrace it, and focus our attention elsewhere.

To New Years Resolute or not ... so many resolutions, so many failures.  But I guess if one does not at least attempt to better ones self, regardless of failures or not, then one will never progress.  And so my New Years Resolutions are

1.  Lose weight, and to really make an effort at this one this time.  No more two week (or is that too weak) attempts.  I really need to work hard at it, and keep myself accountable, and to just grow up about it.  No more instant gratification.  No more 'but I wanna eat chocolate'.  No more 'its just too hard'.  2011 will be more about blessing my body with wholesome, healthy, pure foods.

2.  Reduction in TV watching hours.  Stop turning the TV on first thing in the morning.  Stop turning the TV on as soon as I get home from wherever.  Stop having the TV on all day when I am home, and just scrolling though all channels discovering constantly that there is actually nothing of interest on.  Instead I can fill my time with exercise, bible study, photography and scrapbooking, and developing real life human relationships.

3.  Keep the house CLEAN and tidy.  Organise a daily and weekly roster of chores to be done, and to do them more often than not.  Bless my home and my little family of two.

4.  Focus on the positives in my life.  Quit whinging about my job, my weight, my looks, my finances, and the things that I don't have.  Focus on the things that I DO have.  Intellectually I KNOW I am blessed and I really have to start thanking God for my blessings, instead of insulting Him by focusing on my perceived lack.  And it really is only perceived lack, I am well and truly blessed in this life of mine, children or not.

5.  Learn to enjoy my life to the fullest, be kind and gentle to all those around me, and to become more selfless and generous.

And so ends 2010.  In a few days I will be back at my job trying to remember to write the date with a 2011, or 11, amongst other things that make my life 'so difficult' ... lol

I hope everyone remembers the good parts and takes lessons from the bad parts of 2010,  and has a much happier, productive, and generous 2011.

Christmas Joy

I have had such a wonderful Christmas.  Mostly.  Drove from Eltham to Waipukurau on Christmas Eve, to stay with my parents. The traffic was not too bad, in fact I was one of the faster vehicles on the road, and since I basically NEVER speed, thats saying something.  

Christmas Eve evening Mum, Dad and I went to my sisters place for 'drinks and nibbles'.  Apparently my BIL had invited a few people round, unfortunately not many people showed up (a combination of Christmas Eve and the general lax attitude of people these days).   Of the four others that did, we had a fantastic 'conversation and debate' with a gentleman from Auckland (okay he was born very rural in Onga Onga, but now lives in Auckland).  He was so much FUN!  Loved him a lot!  One of those people who love to debate without getting offensive OR offended.

Christmas Day was spent around at my sisters place again.  Twas all of us, plus BIL's mum and stepdad, our Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, Cousins partner and two kids.  So it was a house full.  I don't handle a lot of people very well, I am even worse now I am a huge fatty baloofa, so I shot hoops, watched a bit of ice hockey, jumped on the tramp, and generally hung with the kids and 'avoided' the adults - so grown up of me, I know.  I was brave enough (well lets just say HOT enough) to borrow my sisters swimsuit and have a long, delicious swim.  I forgot how much I love to swim.

 Christmas day kidlets hanging on the tramp - I am no where near as brave as G! 

Boxing Day kidlets, one wriggley C and one 'bolt once the photo is taken' T.  G was behaving for once. 

Tukituki River - one of my favourite rivers in the whole of NZ!

Boxing Day Mum, Dad and I walked the dogs down at the Tukituki River (as Mum and Dad do every day).  It sure is nice down there.  Then I went to the sisters place, again.  Shot hoops, bounced on the tramp, and had another wonderful swim.  I DO NOT FIT MY TOGS!  

God, please help me love myself enough to worship my body with healthy food instead of junk.  Please Lord, I want to be slim and fit.  And I need your help!  I definitely can not do it alone.  Help me to make good decisions in all that I do.  Amen

And that's about it.  Food, hoops, swims and tramp bounces, how great of a Christmas was this!  Only having a child, or children, of our own could make it better!

My camera - think its dead!

I was supposed to photograph the Waitara ODE today, and I did, kinda.  The weather was terrible, very very wet.  Could have been worse, like cold and windy as well.  But wet is bad enough, especially when out in it with a camera.  To be perfectly honest, I didn't really think too much about it.  I have photographed in rain before, just not perhaps SO MUCH rain.  And it was wet rain, you know, the kind that covers and soaks EVERYTHING very quickly.  I managed to photograph most of the dressage, I left before it had quite finished to make sure I got pictures of all the cross country.  Hmmmmmm ... FAIL.  At about the 4th pony to go cross country my camera DIED!  Com.pleat.ley  I did have my spare camera with me, so I got the rest of the 40cm jumpers and then canned the whole idea.  No point in killing two cameras in one day, ah!  I have stuck my camera in the hot water cupboard, in the hopes that it is just in a rain induced camera coma, but I don't think so.  I have recharged the battery and put it back in, and so far NO GO.

And I have a show to do on the 27th.  Thats in 7 days.  And its Christmas.  So most shops will be shut.  Except for the days I will be working, and so unable to get to town.  And I don't have any money at the moment anyway.  Heres hoping I can get the limit on my credit card extended.  It is a pretty low limit at the moment, so 'fingers crossed' there won't be any problems.  I know, I know, not the best way to go, but I really don't have THAT much debt, really (do I sound convincing?)

*sigh*

So then I also have a testing dilemma.  I was trying to work out today whether I really want to concentrate on my photography OR would I rather get back into riding horses.  Or can I do both?  I thought that my camera dying was a sign.  Or is it a test, too see how badly I want to photograph?  And then I got a phone call tonight booking me for an event in March.  Is this a sign that I am supposed to do photography or a test to see how bad I want to ride again?

I think I think too much ... hahaha.

And now its hot and muggy, and I have work tomorrow.  *sigh*  I think I complain too much ......

No appointment this month either *sigh*

Well, I was proven correct.  I was unable to get an appointment to have my tubes checked AGAIN this month.  I did kind of expect it, as it would be need to be done over the Christmas break (well 24th-ish).  I asked the receptionist at the clinic, how many times would I need to call before I could get an appointment. It turns out that they only do the scan twice a week, Wednesdays and Fridays, so it's just pot luck.  Sooooo,  rats!  Apparently I would have a better chance of getting an appointment if I tried in a city 3 hours away.  Thus my plan is to hope and pray that I can get one in January otherwise I shall ask Dr FuFu to send a referral to PN and I shall PAY to have it done there.  I'm 39 and 2 months.  If I don't find out sooner rather than later, and we need IVF, then I could be 40 and then it's too late.

Fortunately God prepared me for this moment by directing me to blogs last night that involved women with families who had lost their husbands.  Which was a lovely (terribly sad too of course) reminder that even when you have what looks like the 'perfect' family, the 'perfect' life tragedy can strike at any time, and in reality, yes infertility is tough, but there are so so many more people out there doing it tougher than I am.  And then today I just caught a bit of 'The Biggest Loser' and on there was a lady who lost her husband, son AND daughter all in a vehicle accident.  Her happy, perfect family, gone!  I mean, that has got to be SO much tougher than infertility (in my eyes anyway, and it's my view of the world that counts for me, isn't it).

So yes, I don't have a baby or child, and yes, I can not get an appointment to even have my fertility checked, but I do have a loving partner, and my parents, and my sister, and her children, and good friends, so I don't have it so bad, really!

Sick day

I had such a killer headache yesterday that I ended up leaving work early.  And I hardly ever get headaches, except for lately that is.  I don't know whether it is due to the heat, lack of water, or stress.  More than likely its a combination of all three.  I also ended up having today off sick as well, sore throat and general feeling of blahness.  Since I basically hardly ever have a sick day I feel like I am entitled to one.  Since I have to be up by 5am to get to work by 6am, its actually quite hard to work out whether you are sick or just not wanting to head into work, but due to the fact I have spent the entire day on the couch in my pajamas and have felt like doing NOTHING I think I was genuine.  Strange how guilty one feels, even when one is being truthful.

And again I have attempted to sort out my life.  I just need to get more positive!  Actually, no just about it.  I need to get more positive.  I figure my 4 biggest negative thoughts are to do with work, being childless, food (weight) and money.  The under pinning of my negative thoughts are the thoughts that I am somehow missing out on something.  So to throw a positive spin onto these things today ...

Work means that I have money and social contact.
Childlessness means that I can go anywhere, do anything, at anytime I want.
Eating healthy means that I will feel better about myself and I will have more energy.
Saving instead of spending means I will be able to achieve my big goals and/or be ready for emergencies.

I actually thought that there was a fifth one, but I can not for the life of me think of what it is right now ... hahaha

Okay, I'm normal now

Well as normal as I can be.  I no longer feel like my life is in turmoil.  I no longer feel like I want to leave TJL.  I no longer feel sad or depressed.  I am glad that I kinda knew it was down to stress yesterday, I feel a little silly for writing about it, perhaps I will delete that post, perhaps not.  I shall think about it.

My room looks definitely Christmassy.  I have 7 Santas, 2 snowmen, and a large assortment of baubles etc.  What I do need, however, is MORE TINSEL.  I thought that I had way more than I have, in fact I thought I had more decorations than I have.  But I need more tinsel!

Should I stay or should I go ...

Who would have thought I would write a post like this?  I mean I am talking about the man I have been trying to have a baby with.  But I'm thinking that maybe its just too hard.  Its just not worth it.  I'm just not happy.

I had to have one of my horses put down.  While I am not devastated as such, I am pretty upset.  I feel fine, and then have a cry, we all know how it goes.  My horses, well horse now, live with my parents 3.5 hours away.  Trent did do the obligatory how are you texts, but he didn't actually phone.  And now I am home, and other than a brief, how are you? question, there has been nothing.  Well actually something.  He laughed at me when I was having a cry about her.  Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a man who has so little compassion?

Obviously I am upset so won't be making any hasty decisions, I'm pretty strung out and have to go back to work and face people again.  My stress levels are at the extreme to say the least.  I don't even know if I will tell anyone about Channelle being put down.  I just feel low, bordering on depression.  It sure would help if my partner in life (or maybe just for the next month) was a lot more supportive.

Of course I am asking God a lot of questions, and leaving it up to him to help me decide, but at the moment I just feel numb.

All gardened out

I spent quite a bit of time in the garden today, in fits and starts as it was so hot!  And I don't like it too hot, or too cold for that matter.  I'm temperature fussy I guess.

So all of the gardens are mostly weeded.  I have just a tiny section of the large garden to go, plus weeding around one shrub/tree thing.  They definitely look a lot better, well I think dirt looks a lot better than weeds anyway!  This evening I have planted 60 flower seedlings along the driveway garden.  I hope they bush out enough to fill it in.  Every year we have been here it has always looked patchy at best, so I hope I have done a better job this year.  I might need to buy a few more, but I won't be able to for a couple of weeks.  Of course, now seedlings are planted, the garden will actually get watered, and so the weeds are going to flourish!  It is such a never ending battle.  I wonder who the experts are who determined what is a 'weed' and what is a 'plant' in the first place?  Some weeds do have the most delightful flowers.

I have also potted a plant that I had to replace.  TJL's mother gave me a plant for my birthday, and we promptly killed it by lack of water.  I think I found the right one to replace it with, and I have potted and watered it promptly this time, so here's hoping I don't kill it again.  Of course TJL told his sister (my fault I asked him to ask her what the name of the plant was) so no doubt she will tell his Mum and I will be unpopular again.  They seem to like to share things that gets other people in trouble  *sigh*, and they 'care' - my family don't care so much about the little things.  Talk about being raised different!

On the edible front each time a raspberry has begun to go slightly pink, by the time we got back to check it out later in the day, it had disappeared, well the pink/red bits of it had.  Very neatly pecked away by the local sparrows no doubt!  Now we have got netting over the raspberry canes and strawberry plants, so try and get in there now my feathered friends!  Actually they can still get in there and the netting isn't completely fixed as yet, but soon, just you try and get in there my feathered friends!

Back to work tomorrow.  I really can not wait for the day TJL and I manage to get 'knocked' up so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Please let my tubes be open, Lord!  It would mean so much to TJL and I if we can have a baby or 3.  In the meantime I appreciate having a job that pays well and really is not all THAT bad.

Amen

I have lazy follicles

So I had a day 14 cycle scan today, my first ever one.  It appears that I have lazy follicles.  Today they should have been around 20mm, my biggest were 9.  They get so far, then sit with me on the couch and do sweet f.a.  But its good to know.  My eggs etc are all fine.  Next step is to have the hysteriosomethingorother to see if my tubes are blocked (Dear Lord, please let my tubes be free and clear, I would really appreciate that).  And if they are fine then its off on a start of hormone treatments.  Dr FuFu (as TJL calls her) said that she will start me off on a low dose, and increase it until something happens.  This is to reduce the likelihood of a multiple birth.  Twins are fine, triplets and more are risky.  So here's hoping that I get to do the hysteriowhatsit this month.  Chances are I have to have it done over Christmas, and the place will be shut, hoping not, but I am prepared for this.  So saying I can have the hysteriothingamee in January, and that all is fine, then hopefully will start the hormones in February, and everything will be crossed!  Well everything EXCEPT the legs of course ... TMI ... I know.  I actually feel a lot more positive about things now.  Kicking myself for not organising myself, like, a YEAR ago.  But hey, wheels are finally in motion now.

Poor ill chicken had to be put down today.  She has been paralysed or something.  Her legs have not been working right.  Daily she got taken out of her private coop, and placed under the trees, and each night put back into her private coop.  The last couple of days see seemed to have stopped drinking and eating, so it was best to put her out of her misery.  Very sad!  I love my chickens, but you have to be 'cruel' to be kind unfortunately, and to have her suffering does not sit at all well with me.

The other chickens are fine.  They 'helped' me in the garden by ripping the leaves of the broccoli seedlings planted yesterday, and then following while I weeded the flower garden standing right over me to pounce with beaks and feet as I roused invertebrates from the soil.  They are so lucky they are cute AND have laid over 22 dozen eggs this summer so far (well two of them have, the other remaining two are old and retired ... lol).

The dog helped in the garden by having to be told 'LEAVE' the chickens around 600 million times, and then going into the vege garden, while chickens and I were in the flower garden, and trampling any seedling that got in her way.  She is so NOSEY!  Lucky she is so cute that she doesn't have to produce anything, as all she actually produces is chaos.

And so to bed!