I have a lovely blog ;)

Awwww, I have been loved with a blog award thanks to BabyCrazyKiwi
Its the Lovely Blog Award


Here are the rules:
1. share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog.
2. write down 7 random facts about yourself.
3. give this award to 15 other bloggers.


As I stated yesterday, I'm too much of a lazy ass to tag fellow bloggers, lets just say check out my blog reading list, they are all lovely!


7 random facts about myself …. hmmmmm


1.  I love, love, love animals but tend to be allergic to them all, most especially horses, which are my favourite animal.  I don't appear to be allergic to my goldfish though :)  Hahaha


2.  I'm really, dang cant' think of the word for it, kinda flip-floppy, flakey perhaps.  One week I will be obsessed with something and then next week I am onto something else.  This week it's surfing.  I am very cyclical with this.  Top of the bunch would be horses, surfing, photography, farming, horse racing, basketball.  Photography is a bit different now I earn my meager income from it, so that I am at constantly.  Each time I get back onto one of my 'things' I always ask myself why did I ever stop doing that.  Bear in mind stuff like the surfing I don't actually DO, I just like going to the beach and hanging out, read Surfing magazines, photograph people who are actually doing it … lol  Yep I think FLAKE sums it up quite nicely!


3.  Being overweight has knocked my confidence for 6.  Seriously, I just don't want to socialise with anyone.  That also might be to do with the fact I am a bit of a hermit, and think that living far, far, far away from society would be my ideal, but that now competes with my 'I wanna surf' obsession of the moment which has created a 'can we find a farm on the coast?' mentality. See, flip-floppy flakey.


4.  I am incredibly immature.  It annoys the heck out of TJL.  I think it is because we have no kids so I don't actually have to be mature, as I am not a roll model for anyone.  And I'm talking seriously immature, poke my tongue out, pretend punch TJL in the gut all.the.time.  Talk, sing, vocalise REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, LOUDLY.  Super annoying!!


5.  The things that I do that annoy even me are:- I sometimes say 'Hi' to TJL in this whiney, gosh awful voice.  It's so awful that even I hate it.  I have a quick temper, over the stupidest things.  And I am just whiney full stop.  I really, really, really need to work on it!


6.  Uuummmmmmm


7.  Looks like I can only come up with 5 random things!  Bahahaha

Tag! I'm it.

Sass from (In)Fertility Unexplained tagged me with a set of 11 questions.  Now I am supposed to then pass this on, but I'm going to be a lazy ass and not tag anyone :)  I know, I'm a terrible person!

So my here are my answers to Sass' 11 questions:

1. Where did you grow up and how did it shape you?  I was born in Central Hawke's Bay, New Zealand but we left there when I was around 2 so was raised in the Waikato mostly.  Funny thing is I always thought of Hawke's Bay as home because Ma n Pa always talked about it as home.  Ma, Pa and Sis all live in Central HB now, so thats what I refer to as home.  And now I am so far off of topic.  Anyway I grew up in the Waikato, and it shaped me … hmmmmm … I'm not really sure.  It definitely nurtured my love of horses, and gave me my best friend C, but I don't think I ever felt grounded there, and I have moved around A LOT since.  I like the idea of family connections to places, but they have all since gone so I don't really feel like I have much of a connection to any region.
2. Do you have any siblings?  I have one older sister, N.  She is two years older.  Has 3 kidlets, who just rock my world (when I get to see them).
3. What was your first job?  My first job was during high school where I picked berries as a summer job.  I only did it for one summer as I absolutely despised it!  Second job was on a thoroughbred racehorse stud, and I loved it!
4. If you've lived more than one place, what was your favorite home?  I have lived pretty much over most of NZ.  My favourite home was way out the back of Hawke's Bay, awesome farm that my parents owned.  Love, love, loved it there.  The more isolated the better in my opinion!  Probably the one place I have felt a connection to.
5. Where and when did you meet your partner? After 'meeting' via an online dating service, I met TJL in person in a wee town called Bulls, about 5.5 years ago - I think it was … I never remember the details of such things.  I do remember forcing down a green bean fritata that I thought the cafe would heat up, but didn't, so it was cold …. ewwwwww
6. If you could return to school to study something different, what would it be?  Jeepers.  I am always interested in different things and so my mind changes all. the. time.  I probably should have stuck with my first choice that I didn't continue with, which was Child Psychology.  Or I should have ignored my mother and gone to Arts school for my photography.  Or I should have ignored my parents advice and just gone horses all the way.  Or I should taken my mothers advice and studied Agricultural science.  Or ...
7. What was your favorite vacation? All of my overseas vacations have been fab.  Aussie a couple of times, Bali, and Fiji.  Every time I go away with TJL is fab, he is so low key and relaxed, which is awesome (can be infuriating at times, but mostly its great).
8. If you could recommend one book, what would it be?  Gosh, Soul Surfer by Bethany Hamilton, just because it is in the foremost of my mind at the moment.
9. When did you know that adding a child to your family wouldn't be easy?  Always kind of had an inkling I guess.  Mostly knew when, after a year of trying, nothing was happening.  
10. What is your diagnosis? I have lazy folicles - they grow to about 9mm, and then hang out on the couch eating chips, drinking coke and watching old movies instead of putting the effort in to get to the 20mm required.  Lazy little buggers!  I am also old (40).
11. If you could give one piece of advice to the person you were when you were just starting your IF journey, what would it be?  Tough question.  Hmmmmm.  Don't put you life on 'hold' because you 'might' get pregnant.  Live your life to the fullest, don't hold back, and if you get pregnant THEN alter your path.  A lot of months (or years) can get wasted otherwise.  

Thanks Sass!  I enjoyed that!  Very therapeutic!

Short term pain, long term gain

This is my new philosophy on life - Short term pain, long term gain.  I am such a flawed individual, and probably quite typical of many people.  I don't put off, or deprive myself of, what I want NOW so I can attain what I really want in the FUTURE.  Do I want to lose weight?  Yes!  Do I want to each an ice-cream now?  Yes!  And what do I do?  I eat the ice-cream.  One won't hurt, will it?  And I really want it!  I will deprive myself of yummy food starting tomorrow.   Bah ha ha ha ha …. Yeah Right!  Do I want an expensive lens for my camera?  Yes!  Do I want that magazine now?  Yes!  And what do I do?  I buy the magazine, because I really, really want it, and it gets added to my pile of already UNREAD magazines - I will get to them soon, really I will, I will.  Bah ha ha ha haaaaa …. Yeah Right!

So now I tell myself 'Short term pain, long term gain'.  Cycling an extra 15 minutes on the indoor bike in the morning hurts my legs, but I am now looking at the long term gain!  15 minutes now saves me 15 minutes (or longer) of hard work in the future!  Deleting emails from companies that have 'Special deals on' before reading them isn't really painful at all, and it is stopping me from spending my hard earned low income on stuff that I don't need.  The real test on this one will be when I am in town and am faced with the decisions there in the shop.

Hang tough MJJ!  Hang tough and reach those long term goals for the first time in your life!!

Take a step back and think!

Confession time.  Last night I caught the end of Never Say Never - the Justin Bieber doco movie, and you know what?  I actually like the guy.  I had very much pre-judged him without really knowing anything about him.  And only a pre-judge as an oldie does - 'he looks like he's 12'  'how can he sing about love, he's to young to know anything about it' … you know, lame-o judgmental stuff just because t(w)eenage girls scream and deep down I wish I was still that young (is that confession number 2?  Hahaha).  Anyway, having watched Never Say Never in its entirety today, and seeing how excited the girls in the audience were, and knowing that One Direction are on their way to NZ, and knowing that my niece has a poster on her wall, I decided to check out ticket prices.

Yes, ok, they are sold out BUT they are releasing some more tickets tomorrow and the price???

$93 and change!

So, at that price I won't be taking anyone.  If I was still working and earning comfortable $$$ then I probably would have, but since I'm not, I'm not.  And so I posted it onto my sisters Facebook wall.  This is how it went.

Me on sisters wall - I just looked up tickets for one direction, thinking I could take G and T, then I found out the tickets (that will be available from tomorrow) are in the $93 category!

 · 

• • Cousin - Why oh why would you even consider subjecting yourself to that Micha? You must be either the nicest or the craziest Aunty EVER!!!

    3 hours ago · 
  • 

    Me - Certainly won't be subjecting myself to it at that price … lol And I vote craziest :)

    3 hours ago · 
  • Cousin - I wouldnt go to that even if they paid me $93!!! Listneing to the band would be painful enough, but all those little girls screaming??!! NO THANKYOU!!!!

    3 hours ago · 
  • 

    Me - Yeah, but its fun watching them all have a good time and freaking out

    3 hours ago · 
  • Cousin

    Cousin - I was at the movies with daughter yesterday and they played the tiniest bit of a 1D song, and this girl literaly SCREACHED as loud as a boeing 747 at the first note and then giggled hysterically V loud for the rest of it, painful was not the word.. imagine that x100,000,000!!!!

    3 hours ago ·
  • Sister - Yup - at least the CD doesn't come with screaming, although there was a bit of that going on the other night when they were watching 'The Kids Choice Awards' :) Maybe a DVD would suffice :) Don't want them getting into the concert scene just yet, they are bloody expensive!

    3 hours ago ·
  • Sister -  Lil sis, I can just see you at a tweeny bopper concert. I think if you did it once, you would never go to another one again :)

    3 hours ago ·
  • Cousin - I actually think Micha fancies them and wants an excuse to go!!!!

    3 hours ago ·

    
    

At this point I totally wanted to write - well cousin dearest, that does not surprise me in the slightest considering you are so selfish you did not even buy your own children an Easter egg, and while you work on your bloody assignments that you constantly post about, your 9 year old daughter makes you cups of tea and raises your 18 month old.  Not to mention that your latest post was about making vodka jello shots, and the fact you are off again this weekend to some drunken party, you selfish moo.

And you sister dear, I would hardly describe One Direction (who in my opinion are the next step up from the Wiggles) as being 'the concert scene'.  I think that there will be a ton of parents with their girls, and bunches of older teen girls too.  Not the drugged, drunk, vomiting 'concert scene' which is the norm.  Not to mention that you messaged me last week with a whole 'we are too broke for me and the kids to drive the 3.5 hours to your house to stay for a week over the holidays.  Maybe we will come in July'.  Gee, thanks for making yet another big fat zero effort for me big sis!  Don't think we will be here in July, so sorry!

And seriously, both cousin and sister act like, just because I don't have kids of my own that I am too stupid to realise how loud the screaming will be.  Honestly!  I am not that dumb.  It was just because I thought that it was something that the girls would LOVE to do, and knowing how excited they would be - but anyway, moot point because it is way too expensive.

But I didn't write anything further (as you can see above).  Sister and cousin had a good time, liking each others posts, but I'm just eye-rolling their little 'motherhood unity parade'.  I got my back-up pretty good though, here I was just trying to be 'nice' and I get the 'you are such a joke' treatment.  Now, I know I am being over sensitive, which is why I did not write what I really wanted to, and more often than not I would just laugh it off, but not today for some reason.

And so, taking a step back and thinking about it, once again its pure jealousy.  I just wish that I had children that I could do things with.  I just wish that I fit in.  I just wish this infertility journey was over so I can begin to live again, live with joy rather than just functioning.  And by this I don't mean that children will complete me, I mean that a decision has been made and we are now living childless, or with our biological children, or foster children.  I just need the uncertainty to be over.

*sigh*

Whine over!

Light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, yes, yes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Don't get me wrong, I still have around 3000 photos to sort, but that is down from around 12000, so I'm feeling great!  So great in fact, I am having a wee break tonight to catch up on other aspects of my life, like my blog!

We had our review appointment with Fert. Ass. Dr last Tuesday.  It went well, and the Dr confirmed everything that I was thinking.  So he is going to try and have our next IVF moved forward to May, as if it stays in August it means we have to freeze TJL's sperm because during Spring there is no way that he can get off the farm.  Fingers crossed it gets moved forward, which then, however, puts pressure on me to lose weight a little faster, which is a good thing!  I only have to lose a couple of kgs, (I do want to lose more), but man are they being stubborn little suckers!  I seriously do not think that I eat that much during the day, no where near to the amounts that I used to.  And I am cycling daily, plus walking the dog.  It's gotta budge this weight sometime soon - yes, ok, I do expect miracles in a couple of weeks.

The Dr also confirmed that we are best to do IVF before using our frostie.  This is because, if our frostie actually worked, we would lose our free IVF as I would be too old.  Thus the plan to use the free IVF, and then the frostie was correct.

And that, other than photos, photos, photos, is all I have really managed to achieve over the last few weeks!

Off to read and catch up on some blogs!

Yay!!

Oh so busy!

My goodness, I have not posted in a long time, and I am so busy that this will be a very quick one.

Photographed Horse of the Year from March 13-18.  Took over 9000 photos, which I am STILL editing and uploading.  I have HEAPS to go.

Photographed basketball on Friday night, a one day event on Saturday, and a western show on Sunday.  Basketball photos are done, have not even looked at the others!

I have managed to get my life somewhat sorted though!  I now write a list each morning over breakfast of how I plan on utilising my day from 9amish onwards.  And while I don't always manage to stick to the times, I am certainly getting a lot more done.  Plus I have learned that it doesn't take an hour to check emails and sort photo orders.  At the moment it takes over two!  With the help of my daily list this week I have managed to

:catch up on photo orders

:unpack from Horse of the Year, put all clothes away, give the bedroom a basic tidy

:catch up on washing including folding and putting away.  Washing I am good at, folding and putting away, not so good)

:clean the bathroom

:do the farm accounts (2 months overdue!  The bills were all paid but no actual record of income v expenditure)

:cycle on indoor trainer x 2 mornings

:milk x 1 morning

:walk the dog x 3 evenings (we do live on a farm so she does get a lot of daily exercise)

:update www.mountainairs.org.nz website, and do a tweet for them

And now it is time to get back to editing and uploading photos.

I'm going international!

So the event I photographed on the weekend was kind of a big deal.  It included the first of two Trans Tasman show jumping events (of which NZ beat Australia in the first one - whoop whoop).  Anyway, I was basically booked by Equestrian Sports NZ to photograph the Awards Dinner, and a bit of the event itself.  Usually I just photograph for the competitors so I try to get around the 'lesser' competitors as the top ones have hundreds of photos to chose from.  This time I tried to get some of the top riders.

Anyway, ESNZ contacted me with the riders photos that they wanted for their magazine - which is what I expected.  And they paid me! (well, they will pay me).  I'm glad that they liked my shots.

A photographer from the South Island contacted me for photos for the local newspaper.  Unfortunately I got the message to late to get to print on that one, as far as I know, I never actually heard back from the journalist I had been referred to.  No surprises there, in my experience people are pretty slack at replying and letting you know as to whats going on.

Then I got contacted by NZ Horse and Pony.  I have had a few photos published by them previously.  H&P never actually specified as to what photos they were after, and I sent an email to clarify, but got no reply.  I sent through photos of both the NZ and Aussie teams.  Still haven't heard anything.  See my comment at the end of the previous paragraph.

And then I was contacted by The Horse magazine from AUSTRALIA!  They were even so good as to specify which riders they wanted photos of.  So I sent them through, and they liked them and will pay me $50 a photo!  Thats $50 AUD.  A photo!  Stoked much!  Being published on both sides of the Tasman!  Yea-yeah!

So things are looking up.

Thanks God!

Bitterness and guilt - Pity Party Alert

Ugh. I hate this journey!  Friggin bites the big one!  I respond to people with a *smile, I'm fine* but really, inside I'm wondering 'Why is this so hard!?'  

My friend's husband (they had their baby last week) has Facebooked every day about how happy he is, and how much he loves his wife, and the baby is perfect.  Todays post was 'last week J and I went to the hospital as a couple and today we come home as a family'.  *Stomach Punch!*  Now this guy had a serious accident at 20ish and is a paraplegic, so he never thought he would get a wife, let alone have a baby, so I understand his excitement, but ENOUGH  ALREADY!!!!  SHEESH!!!!  And they got UTD after about 3 months of trying … friggin' bully for them!  

But I do know, and acknowledge, that I'm just bitter and twisted because of extreme jealously, and I will get over it … I always do … but I'm tired of it.  

I am tired of the guilt for feeling like I am ruining everyone else's 'we're pregnant news', as they have to be careful in case it hurts me too much *smile, CONGRATULATIONS, that's awesome news, I'm fine, really*

I'm tired of not being social because I feel like I just don't fit in, and have to wear my fake happy face while surrounded by a bunch of parents who do nothing but tell stories about their kids, and swap parenting advice.

I'm tired of hating the fact that TJL is super spermo and all the fault lies with me, and I know if I would LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT that it would help, but I'm just too tired to do it!  And I'm tired of thinking *how friggin stupid is that?  If you wanted kids bad enough you would just do it!*

And I am tired of having my life on hold and feeling like I want to curl up into bed and just stay there.

What I want:

I want to get up, get active, and get out into life

I want to stop moping around

I want to stop procrastinating

I want to stop hating myself

Pity party over!!!

A change of pace

Tonight I photographed the Show Jumping Awards dinner at 'The Hub' in Hawera.  

I don't photograph people well.  I am incredibly shy, and not good at directing people to where I think they should go, I totally lack confidence.  Thus, I don't direct people, I just do my best to get the shot I want … stupid, stupid, stupid.  This is completely why I photograph sports.  The participants are focused on what they are doing, not what I would like them to do, and thats how I like it.  I like to be invisible.  Thankfully tonight the MC directed the people to the side to have their photos taken.  Such a life saver! 

Tonight I also had trouble with my flash.  To be perfectly honest I really don't like automatic cameras.  No, now lets be totally honest, I haven't read the manual on how to work 'manual' mode properly, therefore I can't use it.  NOTE  TO  SELF …  READ  THE  MANUAL!!!  I can do either aperture priority, or shutter speed priority, but I have no idea how to over-ride both, which is what I needed tonight.  I'm sorry technology, but you don't always know what is best OR what I want!!

And finally, they had projected images going up on the back wall, that meant some of the people I photographed had/have colour casts across their faces.

However, they actually aren't all bad.  They aren't stunning, or award winning, or even close to perfectly awesome, but they aren't all bad, which is good.

Rosettes

Tables

Platter, schedule, and horse shoe

See the colour-cast on the gentleman's face!  Not good

A much better shot!  (Away from the projector)

I have 141 to burn to a couple of disks, to give to NZ Equestrian tomorrow, and I sure hope that they have some suitable for use.

And they are now in the process of burning, but I want to go to bed!  One disk to go!

Friends baby day

I had lunch today with some of my ex colleagues, which was FUN!  It was great to see them all again, and particularly good to see M, who had her baby 3 weeks ago.  I had been planning on seeing her sooner, but I wanted to have the results from our IVF first, when I wouldn't be quite as stressed out.  She is such a cute baby.  I didn't hold her, not because it would upset me, but because I really am nervous of 'new borns'.  I know I will be fine with my own, but other peoples make me nervous.

And just now there was a FB announcement that my friend has had her baby, which is very cool!  She is the oldest of 4 sisters, and the last to have a baby, and I know it used to upset her.  Of course I am jealous, especially when our IVF has only just failed.  But I'm not upset, just jealous.  I  WANT  ONE

So all of this makes me feel really wistful.  I really can't wait until we have kids of our own, whether they are biological or adopted or foster kids, I just want some!  I want to be a part of the 'mummy' group.  I want to read them stories, and play games, and paint pictures.  I want to buy toys, and books, and children's clothes.  I want to have routines, or at least try and have routines.  And I want to take thousands and thousands of photos.

Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue!

Ladies on the FB group keep talking about Circle Bloom, a visualisation CD.  And I thought about buying it.  I had it all set to process (for the download to my computer).  But I changed my mind.  I don't know if I am a visualisation person or not, and I'm not blowing $59US to find out.  I shall mull it over for a few days before I do/don't decide to get it.  I might wait until after our review appointment before making any decisions.  This, I might add, is very grown up of me.  Normally I spend the $$ and worry about whether I will use it, or not, later.

No confirmation yet

Well I had my blood test today.  I got it done in Stratty, which is nice and close but very small, by 9am.  So I have waited all day to get confirmation that I'm a BFN.  Yep, waited.  And waited.  And waited.  So I rang at 4pm, and the clinic haven't received the results yet.  Oh well, what's one more day waiting for the BFN … lol

I have confirmed our next IVF for August, but I did forget to mention that we needed to do frozen sperm this time.  August is extremely busy on the farm, with calving and milking, so TJL will not be able to get away for a day to give a fresh sample.  I hope that this will be ok!  It helps that he has such a good sperm count.  The excellent thing about August is that I will have time to get myself into better shape!  And I sure need too!

Unfortunately, the small FB group I have joined for IVF support has had two more negative results today (plus one positive).  It sure is a tough road for so many women today, but it is great to have found such a supportive network.

But good news from another is that Emily from A Peek Into Our Journey gave birth to her triplets today.  She did really well to keep them in for 26 weeks, so here's hoping they grow big and strong.

Well, I guess I will get the BFN confirmation tomorrow.  I hope so as I really need to let people know, so I can move forward!

So where to from here?

I've been thinking, last night and today, as to what I think we should do between now and August, when we hopefully get to do IVF #2.

The first plan is to  HAVE  SOME  FUN!  Yep, it's time to bring back some fun into our relationship.  I told TJL last night that we will be making a baby the 'natural way' over the next 6 months so GET  READY!!  Hehehe.  Chances are slim, but hey, we've got nothing to lose, and a deepening of our relationship to gain.

Next plan is to get HEALTHY!  I was doing pretty well, and then TJL had his accident on Tuesday and my stress levels skyrocketed.  Not only from the stress of is he okay? What the heck would I do if he wasn't here?  But I also went from housewife to full on farmer (including sprinting (now this would be a Micha sprint which isn't that fast!) after some escaped cows on the first night, which hurt my tummy in a stitch kind of way) for a few days.  So I ate terribly for the rest of the week, which is no excuse, but I really need to clean up my diet.

And then I thought that, since we had been considering fostering/home for life a few months ago, and we are all signed up and good to go once we give the word, that perhaps we should do some short term care stuff in May, June, and July, (and maybe April).  I am letting TJL think about it, while I think about it myself.  I actually think it would be a good idea as it would let us know what we are in for.  But we shall see.  I think I'm just scared of being terrible at it, and we end up more stressed than ever.  But we won't know unless we take a leap of faith and give it a go.

Obviously I am waiting for the definite confirmation of a BFN tomorrow, while a miracle would be awesome I don't think it's my turn, but, you know, theres that crazy part of you that thinks, just maybe … It's a really tiny part, and I'm definitely not going to crumble when the call comes through.  Then I get to do all the 'it failed' messages - oh joy!  And then life goes on, yippee!

I thought I had something else to say, but it's gone, it might come back, might not, oh well ...

To POAS or to not POAS, that is the question.

I bought a couple of hpt's today.  Should I POAS or not?  I just don't know.  

My cramping is all but gone(ish).  I have had an uncomfortable tummy since egg retrieval, so I can't really tell what is going on from that aspect.  My tummy is still a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as it was (at times) yesterday.  But then, that would be pretty normal for AF.  I have had minor back pain today, but nothing like I would usually get.  Or am I just telling myself that?

My 'period' is very light.  I had next to no bleeding over night.  Today I have bright red blood, but not the huge amounts I usually have (sorry, TMI, but I'm trying to keep a reference for future use), but definitely more than mere spotting.  Is it the progesterone that is preventing a heavier bleed?  Should I have stopped bleeding now, if it was all ok?  I have to say I HATE going to the toilet today, it's all 'Has it stopped?  Is it heavier?  Arghhhh!  

I wish I had kept the blood test for tomorrow, but what the heck, it's only one more day.  I have a feeling that I will POAS today, really, with all the questions I have I don't see that it will hurt.  Regardless of the outcome, I will still have the BT on Monday, and it may make me stop obsessing quite so much.

TJL is pretty 'gutted' about the whole thing, which makes me feel worse, but he is such a loving guy, I am one lucky woman!

And when I think about it all, my life is pretty fantastic, whatever the result I have a wonderful life and we are really blessed.

Edited:  I pee'd, it's negative, one final confirmation to go, and life goes on :-)

And I think it's all over

So before heading out to milk this arvo, at 3pm, I went to the loo, and bright red on the toilet paper.  Sad.  Told TJL and he was sad too.

I rang the nurse straight away and left a message.  She rang back and said that it didn't always mean it was over, but we may as well push the blood test out to Monday (to save me travelling to have it done on the Sunday).  I'm okay with that.

I felt pretty upbeat during milking - crazy ah!  We have another IVF in August, and then we have the frostie from this IVF, so it isn't all over completely.  So I had quite a few laughs with TJL while milking, while I planned the future in my head.

Got home, went to the loo, and nothing.  So hope built up again.

And then I got cramps, and there is more blood.  So even though it's not over until I get confirmation on Monday, I feel that this could be the end of IVF #1.  The fat lady isn't singing, but she is definitely warming up in the dressing room.  I will continue the pessaries (double ewwww!) until confirmation on Monday, as I have nothing to lose by doing it.

I am surprised at how matter of fact I feel about it.  But it is out of my control, and I can't do anything about it, so I'm just going with the flow (a bit too literally!) … hahaha

I trust God, He knows what He's doing, it is all in His hands.

Insane in the brain

9dp3dt (I think!)

Two more sleeps until blood test day, if I manage to last that long before heading to the looney bin.  The closer it gets the more nervous I get, which I am assuming is normal (I know, I know,  to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME).

Also, is it normal to be pleased for fellow IVFer's that get their BFP but then you think that, you know, with statistics 'n all, if they get the BFP then that leaves a BFN to be filled?  Crazy?  Yes!  Illogical?  Yes!  Does this thought enter my head?  Heck yes!  Do I begrudge them their BFP?  NO!  Am I somewhat jealous?  Yes!  Does all of this make me appear selfish?  Yes, but I hope it's temporary.

My mind also flip flops between picturing telling people 'it's a BFP', and then to the 'it's a BFN'.  I try to remove both thoughts from my head, and to wait patiently until Sunday (or even Monday if that's when the clinic get's back to me) but man it's hard, my mind won't stop.

And I'm also imagining things.  I thought that I saw something on my sanitary pad when I went to the loo.  Was it brownish? Was it the start of a period?  So I sit, and stew about it, trying to avoid going back to the bathroom in case of what I might see.  Then I get brave, and go back, and it's nothing.  Not even really any colour, it's just pessary goo, I'm sure.  So I breathe a sigh of relief, once again.

I think part of the weirdest thing is usually I have some kind of gut feeling about things, but this time I got nothing.  One moment I think it's all going to work out, next moment I think, nup, not this time sister.  COME  ON  SUNDAY!  Put me out of my misery!

TJL Escaped death by cm's

Today started off a-ok.  I got up as per usual, did a few chores and then had an acupuncture appointment at 11am.  Acupuncture appointment was great.  Only 8 needles (including two in my head, and I have never had them in my head before but it was fine) and some lovely Moxa (oh how I love the moxa).  Grabbed some subway on the way home for lunch, and then got home and was greeted by …

…the farm owners wife … carrying TJL's work boots *gulp*!

When I headed off to my acupuncture appointment TJL headed off on his tractor, with the farm owner, to knock in some posts.  Apparently the last post to put in, and being situated on a hill the tractor began to tip over.  TJL jumped off of the tractor and scurried out of the way and as it came over it caught his head.  He is so lucky that he only got a cut to his head requiring 4 stitches, and a cut to his leg requiring 4 stitches.  A few cm's over and his skull would have been crushed.

While added stress at this time is not my ideal lead up to a blood test on Sunday, obviously we are extremely thankful for this near miss and definitely counting our blessings.  What it has taught me is how much I love, and rely on TJL, and come what may, between the two of us we can cope.  I am so glad that God chose to bless us with a near miss at this time in our lives, so we really appreciate what is important at this time, and that is each other!

Of course Trent is now super sore and it now means I have to milk until he feels better, but it is a small price to pay for having him safe and sound.

God is good!

Some semblance of normal - edited

Well I am finally beginning to act 'normal' again.  Instead of sitting on my ass most of the day, obsessively reading blogs, I am actually doing 'things' other than making the bed, washing clothes, tidying the kitchen and cooking dinner … I kid you not!

Yes, my daily routines are slowly beginning to re-emerge, much to TJL's delight.  I mean, the floors are actually vacuumed, the bedroom is dusted and clean, my bible is read, and the garden is watered!  I do have to thank TJL a lot for that last one as he actually spent most of yesterday WEEDING them.  He did haul my ass out to weed one with him, which has inspired me to actually start putting the care back into them - poor neglected, dying things that they are.  Oh the guilt!  And not to forget the other day when I actually tidied my drawers and thus have thrown out 3 shopping bags of old, manky, don't fit anymore clothes.  And my drawers are STILL FULL!  But the hot water closet (where I put the clothes after drying on the line to ensure they are 'bone' dry) has room!  My clothes are not falling out of that closet and onto the floor ANYMORE!  Boo yah!

So today I believe I am 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer is how I think it goes).  And I have no symptoms what-so-ever.  Sometimes I think I am having some, but as with most things IF, a lot of it is mental rubbish, and I am always second guessing them anyway.  Nothing will be known for sure until I have the blood test on Sunday and the clinic gets back to me.  I am swinging between bouts of manic singing/dancing/joking around and then crashing with 'oh I hope that this works!'  Poor TJL has a right time of it just trying to figure out which one I will be when he see's me next.  Lucky he is a pretty relaxed sort of fella and takes it all in his stride.

Anyway, the birds are chirping outside, so I think it's time to switch the stereo off and have a bit of quiet book reading time, before the afternoon hits with a few more jobs I have to get done around here.

Ahhh, bliss!

Bah ha ha ha ha, I am so dumb at this!  I am only 5 days past 3 day transfer … doh!  Should be right now …. lol

And one to freeze

Just received a call from the clinic lab, and more good news (which weirdly makes me more nervous, perhaps as it means we have more to lose) and one embryo was good enough to freeze yesterday.  The other didn't make it quality wise today, which obviously makes me a little sad, (so long little Wotwot, thank you for giving me your best try). 

So this cycle has gone unbelievably well.  Two little Wotwots hopefully embedding themselves at some point very soon, safe and sound in my belly, and one little Wotwot chillin' in the freezer for future use.  We are just so glad to have another option.

In case you didn't know what (or who) a Wotwot was (being a kiwi programme and all I think), these are Wotwots.  It is the only name I could come up with for the two in my tummy, since I'm a complete moron and have no idea what they actually are, scientifically - whatsits became wotwots.  Clear as mud??

And I have also found a NZ FB group for IVFers, which is great.  I love reading the blogs of others experiencing this BUT most of those are from the USA, which is fine BUT it is nice to follow along the stories of those in NZ as well.  Dealing with the same clinics, in the same time zone, know what Wotwots are …. lol

God is so good!  I (we) feel so blessed.

I'm so boring!

Seriously.  When I think about it I am a total bore.  I actually have nothing of interest to post about.  How sad is that?  Surely I have a life outside of TTC, somewhere, anywhere …. but nope, that is pretty much all I am about at the moment.  Of course nothing is happening until tomorrow, when we find out if the other two cells made it to freezing size, or not.  It will be beyond fantastic if they do.  To have another option further down the track can not be anything other than good.

Personally, I'm not feeling anything.  I have the odd crampy feeling, but nothing mind boggling.  The only thing is my mind is a bit gaga.  I couldn't even remember yesterday that I had travelled up to Hamilton the day before for the transfer!  Seriously!  I couldn't remember what I had done the day before - what is THAT all about?  What a ding bat!

I had to buy boob support sleepwear yesterday.  The plain fact is I am pretty well endowed, and with being currently overweight (read FAT) they are even more endowed than usual.  This means that when I take off my lovely (gigantic) support bra(s) the boobies are a bit sore and uncomfortable as they must weight goodness knows what, as they hang down and flop around, and it feels like the muscles are getting stretched.  I decided that I just couldn't sleep like that anymore, so I went in to buy some cheap sports bras that weren't overly supportive (hence the cheap ones) as I don't want to crush them all the time, they need some freedom, but were better than just a t.shirt.  What I discovered was even better - a sports singlet with built in support!  AND they were on sale for $10!  So I bought three, yep thats right, THREE!  And oh so comfy to sleep in!  Oh so happy!

The only other stuff I have done is loads of washing, made the bed, tidied the kitchen, and bought more vitamins, as I had my last one yesterday.  Dang they are expensive - $89 for 100 and that is on SALE, lucky I got those singles for a bargain.  Oh, and I have shifted calves and walked the dog.

Whooot!  I'm a thrill a minute … lol

Transfer complete

I had my transfer today.  Ye gads it was awful.  I do not cope with a full bladder at all well.  They fortunately let me 'let a bit go' before the transfer, but oh heck, I only just managed to stop from letting it all go (via standing up and pretty much yelling 'stop!')  Then by the time it was time for the transfer I was pretty much bladder full again so I was making many strange noises while trying to NOT pee on the Dr.  I was also taking a lot of deep breaths, which I had to stop as the Dr couldn't get the right place to drop the embies off on, so I hope I managed to stop long enough for her to hit the right spot.  And once I was given the all clear I was into the toilet like a shot and did the longest 'Austin Power's pee' ever.  Once I got out and into 'my' little room I noticed another woman rushing around like a crazy person needing the loo, so I felt a bit better and more normal, (although also a bit guilty for holding up the loo for so long).

So anyway, we had a 10 cell, two 8 cells and I think a 6 cell.  They transferred the two 8 cells today, and will phone and let us know on Saturday whether the 10 cell and/or the 6 cell are worth freezing.

I'm getting a bit nervous as everything seems to be going so well, and of course, being an infertile, it just can't be that easy.  Of course I really, really, really want this transfer to work (well doesn't everyone doing IVF!) but I am trying oh so hard to not get my hopes up.  I'm definitely going in cycles - you know, planning on what will happen if it happens, and then pulling myself back as there is still so much more to go through - the good ol' two week wait being the first of them.

Anyway, I have to 'be normal' for the next week and a half, and then have the 'are you pregnant?' blood test on Sunday 26th.  I wonder what 'normal' is, it seems so long since I have felt normal I am not too sure as to what I'm to do … no doubt I will figure it out.

Retrieve and fertilise

So we had the egg retrieval yesterday.  I was very, very, very nervous.  I tried to drink 2-3 glasses of water by 8.20am, but I just couldn't make myself.  I think I got close to two, but I actually 'peed' most of it out on the trip up, ie stopped twice for bathroom breaks on the way up, and went straight to the loo when we got to the clinic.

We got shown to a room and I got to put on a lovely flannel 'muumuu' for want of a better word.  She was a beauty!  Embryologist came in and told us what was about to happen, then Dr came in to get the needle in for the drugs.  And here it turned every so slightly to custard.  She couldn't find the vein in the left arm, so then moved to the right arm.  It took her a while but she finally found it, at which point I went very very faint!  Apparently I went as white as my muumuu gown.  I came right pretty quickly, and I didn't faint completely, but I still think I had them a bit un-nerved.  They then gave me a saline drip to 'buck me up' and then proceeded to take my blood pressure about 4 times, to convince themselves I wouldn't 'cark-it' on the operating table.

Finally we got to go into the little operating room.  Got given some drugs, which I didn't notice but must have affected me as I mentioned TJL could sing me Edelweiss (a family joke) - I think this was in response to keeping me calm.  And at some other point I said 'if it doesn't work I can always become a crazy cat lady'.  Ten minutes later it was all done and I got to go back to the recovery room and chill out for a while.  The actually procedure hurt a little bit a couple of times, but nothing major.

They retrieved 4 eggs, which I was quite happy with.

Then we had the four hour drive home.  I would never, ever recommend this for anyone.  NZ roads are twisty, turny, and bumpy as you wouldn't believe.  I managed to have a wee sleep, but the rest of the trip was not pleasant - obviously the drugs had worn off and I was not a happy camper.

Seriously, if that's what 'period pain' feels like, then I definitely don't get it.  Very uncomfortable.  In fact I only started to feel somewhat 'normal' today at around 4.30pm.

And we finally got the call through this afternoon that all 4 eggs fertilised (I nearly cried when the nurse told me), so I will hopefully be getting two embryos 'stuck back in me' either Wednesday or Thursday.

We are so blessed to have made it this far, and I am praying that it continues.

Trigger shot

Welcome to my new followers!  It is nice to have you along, and I hope I don't bore you rigid!  Todays post is a bit of a long one, so I apologise in advance.

I had a much better visit with the clinic yesterday (Friday).  The scanner tech/Dr actually spoke to me, and cracked a joke or two in reference to my 'missing left ovary'.  I said that 'I hoped she could find it', to which she replied 'well I hope you brought it with you', and I said 'well if I haven't I have no clue as to where I have left it'.  So it was good, and relaxing.  She was also more gentle with the probey thing, perhaps that was because she actually managed to find my left ovary …. hooray!!  And they actually seemed to care that I had travelled a long way AND we were paying for it (not that I think that because we are paying we deserve better treatment than someone who doesn't, but it does mean I get a bit more annoyed when I am not treated with respect).

So, from memory, my left ovary had two folicles - size 14 and 12.  The right ovary had 5 or 6 folicles - size 21, 21, 2x 13, and an 11, I think there may have been another one in there, but I can't remember.  So they didn't know whether to trigger me Fri or Sat night, and wouldn't make a decision until they had my blood test result in.  They did ask if I could hang around until the results were in, which I would have done had I needed to, but then they realised that I had one shot of GonalF left, should I need it, and they could give me the trigger shot to go, so I got to head home straight away.

So I finally got the call late afternoon yesterday (like at 4.45pm) that we were triggering that night.  This meant that we have to be at the clinic on Sunday for egg collection.  This in turn meant that we had to try and find a relief milker for Sunday, which is really short notice.  Our regular relief milker (and by regular I mean we have used her once, and she was awesome) is getting married so she was out.  Our 'old' relief milker is busy relieving for someone else.  TJL's sister is milking for her own farm as their worker is away for the weekend.  Their relief milker was busy elsewhere.  THANKFULLY TJL's friend had a weekend off from his farm and agreed to be our lifesaver.  He is getting a big bottle of rum (apparently that would be the thanks of his choice) and some chocolates for his troubles.  We are so relieved we managed to find someone as otherwise TJL would have had to get up at 1.30am and milk before we leave at 5.30am, and then 4 hours to Hammytown, followed by how ever long it takes to get my eggs retrieved, and then a 4 hour drive home, and then the afternoon milking.  Seriously, IVF is HARD when you are self employed farmers with no outside help!

Anyway, I got to have my trigger shot last night at 10.20pm.  I am hardly ever up that late.  But we made it, and TJL gave me my trigger.  So today, I get to be injection free!  Yay!  Not to mention I am now nervous as heck about tomorrow.  5.30am we leave home.  I have to have 2-3 glasses of water by 8.20am to by hydrated so they can find a vein (fan-tas-tic - more needles), no food!  At 9.20am I am to have 3 panadols with a sip of water.  Then be at the clinic by 9.50am and egg retrieval begins at 10.20am.  NERVOUS  MUCH!!!!!  You can bet your bottom dollar I am.

Rubbish appointment - bah humbug!

So I had the joy of getting up at 4am, and on the road by 4.30am.  Made it to Hammytown by 8.30am and had my blood test.  Then I went to Fert. Ass. at 9am to see if they could do my jab, which they did.  And then I proceeded to wait until 9.45am for my scan.  At this point everything pretty much went downhill.

I know nothing.  The tech. told me to hop up on the 'table'.  Did the scan.  Told the nurse that I had 1x10, 2x11 and 1x15 in the right ovary.  She couldn't find the left ovary (which obviously can not be a good thing).  Tech then told me where the tissues were to 'wipe myself', and that I had to have another blood test and scan on Friday.  I asked if I had to have it 'there', to which she replied 'yes' and then rushed off.  The only other thing she mentioned was to continue the drugs, and they might find something in the left ovary on Friday.  I think.  She didn't exactly hang around to tell me ANYTHING.  No one seemed to care if I had any QUESTIONS.  So really, I don't know anything.  I pray that the four in the right ovary turn into something - stupid left ovary … lol

Then the nurse said that they would 'call me' once they had the blood results in.  By this time I was a little tired, and not too impressed, so I said, 'Well I have a four hour drive ahead of me so don't phone too soon'.  'Oh' she said 'You've come a long way' …. well DUH, if anyone would take the time to listen to me!  Anyhow, she asked if I wanted a later appointment on Friday, so I asked if it could be in the afternoon?  Nope, so I said, well since I have to have a blood test, the earlier the better then (ie have to be in Hammytown for blood test at 8.30amish, so the less hanging around between that and the scan the better) but she didn't get it so she is going to book me in for 10am.  So I just said 'fine', and she said 'bye' so I flashed my smile, and left.  

I have to admit I was so wild.  No one there seems to LISTEN to me.  Seriously, I just want to ask why I can't have the blood test and scan done in NP, and it would be nice to know if todays scan means that really, this cycle is just a wash-out, or whether it is salvageable, or whether it is quite normal.  Ughhhhh, at times, living in such a small country sucks lemons, as this is the only clinic I can go to.  What annoys me more is that so far we have spent $9000.00 on this cycle (and then some) and they treat me like that!  

I am definitely going to take up my free cycle in August (if we need it) and run the staff ragged.  I know that they see a long stream of people like me, day in and day out, but when they know it is your first cycle they could at least ask if you have any questions before bolting off.  And I'm not going to Dr Google it, as that will just confuse me further.

It is now 3.50pm, and no message or call in-sight from the clinic.  My word, if this IVF does work, and when we no longer need them, methinks they are going to receive a message from me about how sucky their patient care is.

Of course if IVF does work, I will be far too happy to give a stuff about the rubbish I had to go through to get there.

Vent over!


Edit to add - clinic just called.  I stay on the same meds, and have my appointment in Hammytown at 11.10am.  So I had a wee - can't I get in earlier, if I have to have the blood test at 8.30am then it is too long to wait.  She said that I could have the blood test at 10am, so then it would only be an hour, which is good as I only have to get up at 5.30am and leave by 6.  I am also going to get TJL to inject me early, so I don't have that worry while I'm driving.  So it will be 3 hours early, hopefully it won't matter … LITTLE  FAT  FINGERS  CROSSED.


Oh, and too bad if I had any further questions as she said 'bye' really quickly and hung up.
*sigh*

Not happy

The clinic text me today to tell me that I need to be there at 9.45am tomorrow morning for a scan, and to have a blood test first.

The clinic is 4 hours away.

I have to be up and away by 4.30am tomorrow morning, to get the blood test done at around 8.30am (which is the time that I think they like them done) somewhere in Hammytown - note to self get map and find location of a med.lab!

TJL injects me at 9am.  Trent isn't coming as he has to milk.  I either have to inject myself (please, please, please no!) or I'm going to show up at the clinic early (ie at 9am) and find someone there to do it.  Or maybe I will ask the med.lab person to do it.  I only trust TJL to do it.  I'm not happy.  Note to self, pack drug and needle to take.

I phoned the clinic today at around 3.15pm to see if I could have the scan done in NP by Dr Fufu gynecologist.  No one returned my call.  So I get to drive 4 hours.  Have a blood test.  Have a random stranger inject me.  Have a scan.  Then drive the 4 hours back home.  Alone.  

I am not happy!  I will do it, but I am not happy!  Yep, it's definitely feel sorry for me time.