Ugh. I hate this journey! Friggin bites the big one! I respond to people with a *smile, I'm fine* but really, inside I'm wondering 'Why is this so hard!?'
My friend's husband (they had their baby last week) has Facebooked every day about how happy he is, and how much he loves his wife, and the baby is perfect. Todays post was 'last week J and I went to the hospital as a couple and today we come home as a family'. *Stomach Punch!* Now this guy had a serious accident at 20ish and is a paraplegic, so he never thought he would get a wife, let alone have a baby, so I understand his excitement, but ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! SHEESH!!!! And they got UTD after about 3 months of trying … friggin' bully for them!
But I do know, and acknowledge, that I'm just bitter and twisted because of extreme jealously, and I will get over it … I always do … but I'm tired of it.
I am tired of the guilt for feeling like I am ruining everyone else's 'we're pregnant news', as they have to be careful in case it hurts me too much *smile, CONGRATULATIONS, that's awesome news, I'm fine, really*
I'm tired of not being social because I feel like I just don't fit in, and have to wear my fake happy face while surrounded by a bunch of parents who do nothing but tell stories about their kids, and swap parenting advice.
I'm tired of hating the fact that TJL is super spermo and all the fault lies with me, and I know if I would LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT that it would help, but I'm just too tired to do it! And I'm tired of thinking *how friggin stupid is that? If you wanted kids bad enough you would just do it!*
And I am tired of having my life on hold and feeling like I want to curl up into bed and just stay there.
What I want:
I want to get up, get active, and get out into life
I want to stop moping around
I want to stop procrastinating
I want to stop hating myself
Pity party over!!!