"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Bitterness and guilt - Pity Party Alert

Ugh. I hate this journey!  Friggin bites the big one!  I respond to people with a *smile, I'm fine* but really, inside I'm wondering 'Why is this so hard!?'  

My friend's husband (they had their baby last week) has Facebooked every day about how happy he is, and how much he loves his wife, and the baby is perfect.  Todays post was 'last week J and I went to the hospital as a couple and today we come home as a family'.  *Stomach Punch!*  Now this guy had a serious accident at 20ish and is a paraplegic, so he never thought he would get a wife, let alone have a baby, so I understand his excitement, but ENOUGH  ALREADY!!!!  SHEESH!!!!  And they got UTD after about 3 months of trying … friggin' bully for them!  

But I do know, and acknowledge, that I'm just bitter and twisted because of extreme jealously, and I will get over it … I always do … but I'm tired of it.  

I am tired of the guilt for feeling like I am ruining everyone else's 'we're pregnant news', as they have to be careful in case it hurts me too much *smile, CONGRATULATIONS, that's awesome news, I'm fine, really*

I'm tired of not being social because I feel like I just don't fit in, and have to wear my fake happy face while surrounded by a bunch of parents who do nothing but tell stories about their kids, and swap parenting advice.

I'm tired of hating the fact that TJL is super spermo and all the fault lies with me, and I know if I would LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT that it would help, but I'm just too tired to do it!  And I'm tired of thinking *how friggin stupid is that?  If you wanted kids bad enough you would just do it!*

And I am tired of having my life on hold and feeling like I want to curl up into bed and just stay there.

What I want:

I want to get up, get active, and get out into life
I want to stop moping around
I want to stop procrastinating
I want to stop hating myself

Pity party over!!!


Sandy said...

I've been having myself a pity party this weekend too. The truth is all of this is very hard. But somehow we have to find our strength and keep on going! Sending positive thoughts your way!

babycrazykiwi said...

Wow - could've written that myself but I don't think I would've done it so well. Don't think I need to tell you I know how you feel....hugs chick xx

Anonymous said...

My daughter went through the same and it was so difficult. They have 2 children now after years of trying. She was very tense during these difficult years. It was tough on their marriage. Give it over to God - He knows exactly what you're going through and you need Him more than anyone. We can encourage you and I wish you all the best. Wanting children and not being able to have them is so very, very hard. I will be praying for you and if I knew you, I would be giving you a big hug!

(In)fertility Unexplained said...

I've been having a hard time getting moving again too. I think the hormones and roller coaster of emotions took more out of me than I realized. My husband was working this weekend though, so I forced myself to leave the house with him and just walk for hours. It really helped. I'm sure it didn't help me lose the extra weight I gained last month, but it helped me not sit on the couch feeling depressed all day. It was even nice to be alone, not feeling bad about myself.

Oh - and your friend is a dolt. Was he not a family before he had a baby? That's a horrible way to view a partnership.

I hope you feel better soon. I hope that you can give yourself a break - don't think about dieting or exercising or anything else you feel you should be doing - but try to commit yourself to just getting out of the house for a bit each day and see how it makes you feel.

Chon said...

No have your damn pity party cause it sucks. I am so sorry you got a BFN. I had meant to come over and see how you were going. It really totally sucks. A BFP announcement after a BFN is the pits. TTC is a vicious cycle, you know it would be better if you lost weight but not having a baby makes you so damn depressed that you end up eating. Sigh. Sending you some huge hugs.