What a week

It really feels like it has been such a huge week, and I guess it has.

The earthquake in Christchurch really has the whole country shook up.  So many lives lost, so many more missing.  It is, indeed, a tragedy of huge proportions for a country our size.  For those of us not in the same island, we are left feeling helpless.  But I know that this is, by far and away, is a much better feeling than what the poor souls in Chch are feeling, homeless, waterless, foodless, clotheless, and having lost loved ones.  Thankfully I have been able to locate all of my friends, bar one, from Chch, and the one that is still 'missing' is just not a huge user of FB anyway (my only way of contacting her), plus they may not have power etc, so my prayers are that she and her family are fine.  The company I work for is the largest in NZ, and they have donated $1mil, plus they will match employees donations dollar for dollar up to a further $1mil, which I think is fabulous.  Obviously I am donating through them as my funds allow.

The reality of it all hit home when a lady at work posted on the intranet that her daughter, daughters partner and their 3 week old baby had arrived at her place with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  Their jobs no longer exist, neither does their house.  So I have donated a large box of my clothes, plus the baby clothes my sister passed onto me in the hopes that we, one day, have a baby.   I hope the clothes I donated were suitable.  I tried to ensure that they were of great quality, but I did not know the sizes required.  At least they can pass on any unsuitable ones.

During this time TJL and I were supposed to be doing the BD.  TJL does not perform well under pressure, so we managed 2 out of 4 days.  Good enough, I hope.  Of course, I have had a bit of an upset stomach, and being an infertile, I'm thinking, hey, maybe thats a sign that THIS MONTH it worked.  Or it could just be a reaction to the tablets I took.

I also spent 2 of my 4 work days NOT SPEAKING!  These are 12 HOUR DAYS.  It was TOUGH!  I am a talker, and that's no lie.  It was with the aim of raising money for NZ Cancer Society (Relay for Life).  The first day a colleague did it with me, friday I was on my own.  I think we raised about $150.00, which shows you how much people want me to be quieter at work ... lol   It actually drove a few people nuts at work, made the day boring and slow without my chit-chat and joking around.  I just might be a bit loud.  And it is amazing how people start 'signing' back to you, even though they were allowed to speak.  And it really gave perspective on how hard it would be to be someone who can't communicate with everyone else.

Finally, we received information on the adoption process.  It will cost us around $57,000.00 to which TJL hardly battered an eyelid - GREAT SIGN!  Plus we would have to get married, hopefully will be the push TJL needs to get a move on in that department.  In April we have a two hour introduction seminar, and if we are still keen we will have 3 full day seminars in May-June.  These dates fit in perfectly with when the cows will have dried off, and TJL will be free all day, so I am stoked, AGAIN, that things appear to be working in our favour.  I am slightly worried how TJL will cope with full day seminars (even the two hour one).  School wasn't his strong point, apparently.  Luckily it was mine, so between the two of us we should be able to get through it.  I am looking forward and I am pleased that, for once, they don't seem to be occurring too far away in the future.

So life is good, moving forward at a nice pace, and we like that!

1 folicle to size, look out TJL

Had my mid-cycle scan today.  Only two folicles in the right (none in the left), and only one is of the right size, but I am more than happy to take it.  So TJL has tonight off, then its BD time for 4 nights in a row (he has been warned).  Should we fail to get pg this cycle, then I have double the dose of whateveritwas it was I took on last day 3 to 7.  Kind of exciting in an 'I don't want to get my hopes up' kind of way.

Today I also got around to re-contacting CYFs, who put me onto the local adoption lady, who emailed me straight away and has put the info. into the post for me today!  YAY!  It seems I am far better off emailing this department rather than phoning, as I did last time.  This suits me as I HATE using the telephone, I will phone people, but prefer not to.  I think there is a seminar we need to attend coming up in about July, and we may need to be married (I DEFINITELY do not have a problem with this, and it might just be the push TJL needs!), but things are chugging along nicely in this area as well.

The only other thing I did today was make a start tidying my 'office' area.  It is a SHOCKER!  It is looking a lot better, but I plan to only do 5 minutes a work day (c'mon, after 12 hours plus 1 hour travel I don't have THAT much energy left), and that is better than nothing.

So, YAY, it has been a step towards getting some children kinda day!

Getting back into my stride

If only my life could be rowed up so neat and tidy!

Ack.  I started the new year off well.  I even had a recap at the beginning of this month.  And then TJL and I went to Palmy North for Speedway Teams Champs, and all my routines and improved behaviour went right out the window.

TV has snuck right in, which means my bible reading and the love dare have snuck right out.

Fizzy drink has returned to my diet, as well as McD's, and all manner of junk food.

Ack.  I repeat, ACK!

And what have I learned from this relapse?

That I can not improve myself without regular communication with God.  I need to read Gods word EVERY.  MORNING.  to keep myself focused and heading along the right track.

With Gods help, I can begin to get my messy life into some semblance of order

I have learned that I can not do it alone.  I just can't.  Without the Lord leading the way, I am a mess.  Without immersing myself in His word and living my life geared towards him, I am not living the best life that I could be.  By attempting to live my life without total focus on pleasing God, I then end up pleasing no one, not myself, not TJL, not anyone.

And so once again, I am down before God, asking for his forgiveness and begging for his help, to get me back on track and functioning every day in the way that He desires me to.

Just when you think the Devil is winning, you get an award

A big thank you to Allison for giving me an award.  Apologies Allison, for failing to 'pick' it up earlier, and I sure hope I am accepting it the right way.

So step 1 was to thank the nominator - so, THANKS  ALLISON!

Step 2 is to share 7 things about myself, hmmmmm

1.  I was raised atheist but God found me around 18 months ago.  I still have not been brave enough to go to church yet, but I am sure I will get there one day.  Its pretty scary when you have NO IDEA of what 'goes on', titheing, etc

2.  I desperately want children, biological, adopted, foster, what ever.  But should our endeavors in this regard fail, I plan to get back into riding horses and resume competing (something I have not done since I was 15).  This is my way of ensuring life goes on and I don't get too hung up on it.

3.  I was super skinny as a child and teenager, and have put on a lot of weight over the last 3 years.  At this stage my desire to lose weight and be healthy is not stronger than my desire to eat unhealthy food.  Weird thing is I am almost opposite to an anorexic, where, if I am picturing myself in my head I still see that skinny kid *sigh*.  God is obviously helping me win the battle with this demon, as I really do not like the situation, physically, that I am in.

4.  I love, love, love animals, and will never, ever live in town again (if I can help it).  We have 1 dog, 1 cat, 3 goldfish, and numerous cows.  I prefer sheep farming, but dairy farming is where the $$ are at, and it will hopefully lead us to owning a sheep farm for me at some stage.  My favourite smells in the entire world are freshly baled hay, and freshly shorn wool!

5.  We can only go on holiday during a New Zealand Autumn/Winter (nature of farming).  I want to go to Russia and see how orphanages are run, TJL wants to go to Australia or Fiji.  He will win, this year, as he will be paying ... hehehe.  I must admit it will be nice to hang out on a beach for a couple of weeks and just totally chill out.

6.  The only job I have ever wanted to do was to be a farmers wife.  I finally found my farmer (at the ripe old age of 36), but until we have children I 'have' to work.  I don't like to work.  Whenever I am at work I always think of what I would rather be doing.  The one thing I do like about work is earning $$ so I don't have to ask TJL for $$ whenever I need some.

7.  I like guy stuff.  If we are at speedway I like to hang out in the pits with 'the boys', I like to drive the tractor, I prefer the comfortableness of guys clothes, and I always prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls.  My best friends are girls though, but my best workmates are the boys, all of which are leaving me!  3 to go back to university (yes I like guys who are a lot younger!) and 1 is going off on his OE.  I am not looking forward to being back at work without my boys - enter cattyness and gossip *YUCK*

The final thing is to nominate 15 blogs for the award.  So now I am going to FAIL.  I love ALL the blogs I read, and I am pretty sure the majority of them already have awards.  So, you know what, if you read this post AND you have a blog AND you have not received an award, consider yourself nominated!

Pray, Plan, Practice

I really struggle some days to appreciate what I have.  I know I have it pretty good, okay lets be honest here, I have it pretty darn excellent.  Sure my finances are not exactly in order.  Sure I am 40 pounds over weight.  Sure we don't have any children.  But I have never missed a meal in my entire life (maybe I need to, but I haven't).  I have always had clothes suitable for the seasons.  Whenever I have ever needed a helping hand (or money) my family has always been there.  And then there's the fact I grew up in the country and had horses, and dogs, and cats, and pet lambs, and everything a kid could want.  And now I again live in the country, and there is nowhere I would rather be.  Truth be told, I am pretty darn spoiled.

So why do I focus on what everyone else has, namely children, and why I don't yet have mine.  Why am I 'jealous' that everyone else 'seems' to be getting what they want, and I'm not?  I am not 'jealous' in the sense that I don't feel joy for other people, but jealous in just wondering 'when will it be my turn?'  I know I need to be patient and God will deliver when he is ready, but somedays I just feel so desperate.  I guess being aged 39 leads me towards being desperate.  To adopt we can only be 40 years older than the youngest child.  Which is ok.  The youngest would be 1 when I am 41, but OH how time feels like it is going so slowly.

The dragging of time would be due to the fact we are still trying for our own biological child, which to me, at times, feels like it is just costing us time.  If we had just decided to adopt I would feel like we were getting closer to having children, as the process would be under way, but because we are trying for one of our own the adoption process has been put on hold and there are still no guarantees that we will have one of our own.  And as each month goes by where we are always waiting - waiting to be tested, waiting to be scanned, waiting to start medication, - I feel both options slipping from my grasp.

So what can I do about it?

Pray.  Pray that God grants me the patience to wait.  Pray that God will reveal his plan will to me sooner rather than later.  Pray that I have the unwavering faith in God so I can feel peace in knowing that my life is in His hands.

Plan.  Plan the spare room so it is a welcoming childs room.  Plan so I have the finances available to me when I do require them.  Plan so that our house is open and ready for children by removing clutter and junk and creating space.

Practice.  Practice loving TJL so whatever comes our way our relationship will be strong.  Practice counting my blessings so I live a life bringing glory to God and peace to myself.  Practice being active so whatever comes our way I will be physically be able to cope.

Pray, plan, practice!

God, Love and Fitness

And so the joys of infertility continue.  Now I'm not exactly obsessive by nature, and I'm just living my infertility life with the whole, 'She'll be right' attitude.  So I think my cycle is usually somewhere around 23 to 28 days, but occasionally Aunt Flow gives me a longer wait.  I think she is doing that to me this month.  If only I could remember when I had her last.  I think it was around the 3rd or 4th of January.

HUH!  Shows you what I know, just looked back at my blog an she was here on the 10th Jan, so I'm a week out, silly old dingbat!   And that is why folks, I never get my hopes up!  LOL!  I have, however, been having minor stomach cramps for about a week.  Which I do sometimes get.  But you know, one does still like to believe that a miracle has happened.  And counting back the days it does mean she is due any day now, or anywhere up to 5 days away.  She will probably show up tomorrow since TJL and I going away for this weekend.  Romantic?  I think not!  Lucky we are going away to watch cars race around a dirt track for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS -hmmm noise and dust, nothing romantic there.  And of course AF is going to show up when I am spending ALL DAY Saturday photographing a horse event.  *sigh*  At least this show has a couple of breaks during the day AND handy, nice toilets to use.

So yes.  This is why I keep a blog, so I can track some aspects of my cycle.  I'm such a shocker!

In other news:-

My bible reading is going really well this time.  I am writing 'notes' as I go, an it is definitely giving me a better understanding.  Mostly because my 'notes' are practically writing the entire Bible out in long hand.  Being totally new to the Bible, and Christianity, I am reading it like you would any other book, ie from front to back, as I have no idea how to read any different.  I am currently up to Cain and Abel, which does feel like slow progress, but it is much better than no progress at all.  This would be the third time I have attempted to read the Bible, with the other two attempts failing early on with utter confusion.  Yes, writing it down is by far THE best method.

My Love Dare is also going well.  Again I am writing notes as I go, and God is helping me to be brave in asking TJL the questions I need to ask, and telling TJL the things I need to tell him.  I am learning SO much.  I love it.  And I can feel myself changing and growing every day.

Finally I am also reading Candace Cameron Bure with Darlene Schachts' book Reshaping it all.  What a FANTASTIC book!  I highly recommend it.  If you do not have a copy I definitely recommend that you get one, whether you need to lose weight or not.  It is SUCH an INSPIRATIONAL book, not just for weight loss but for living a faith filled life where you are guided by God to eat wholesome, healthy foods until you are SATISFIED rather than full.  Does GLUTTONY ring a bell with anyone?

Go here to order it from Amazon

It will definitely be a book I repeatedly dip into as I progress on my weight-loss journey.  A book I can use for inspiration and a tool to help me pick myself up when I begin to fail, all with Gods guidance of course.

Life is GOOD!  Actually life is AWESOME and I have the Lord to thank for that so THANK YOU LORD!

New Years Resolution Re-cap

Start of February seems like a good time to recap, and refocus on, my New Years Resolutions.

Number 1 was to lose weight.  And I haven't lost anything.  I haven't gained anything either, so I guess that is a start.  I have been successful in cutting down the consumption of soft drinks (down from 1 can/bottle a day to under 1 a week).  Unfortunately I then proceeded to take up creating my own milkshakes instead, with LOTS of ice-cream.  This appears to have negated the benefit of giving up soft drink in regards to weight-loss - well DUH!  So for February I am now giving up my daily milkshake and I shall just stick to water, but will allow myself 1 soft drink OR milkshake a week (even if I go to McDonalds, out for lunch, out for dinner etc.)  I am also working on focusing on the fact that take-aways, slices, and junk food in general are TREAT foods, NOT everyday foods.  I lost that focus a bit this week, and had a few too many slices at work.  February will be the month that I eat fruit and nuts, rather than slices and junk, for afternoon tea.  This is especially applicable at work, where, by 3pm (having already worked 9 hours and having 3 more to go) I feel entitled to a slice.  It also means that I need to eat my lunch, and NOT my lunch AND afternoon tea at lunch time meaning that I HAVE to buy a slice for afternoon tea.  Gosh I'm good at falsely justifying my 'bad' choices when it suits me.

2.  Reduce TV watching.  I have cut down TV a lot in January.  I no longer switch it on first thing in the morning when I am home.  I do need to practice switching it off when I get home from work, as truth be told, there really is not anything on that I need or want to watch.  Most of my TV time is spent channel surfing anyway!  What a WASTE of time!  When I am not at work on my first day off I am the worst, as I am pretty tired and need to blob and relax, so the TV comes on earlier than it should.  For February I plan to make my day 1 off my Sabbath, where my relax time will involve reading, being with TJL and just general relaxing.  The other three days, I will get the radio on and get the ...

3.  House clean and tidy.  I am definitely getting it slowly under control.  January has seen the kitchen clean and tidy each night before bed.  I do let myself down on a work day 4, where I decide that I can tidy it the next morning and, again, falsely justify it by 'I have just worked 4 12hour days and I am TIRED'.  Truth is, it only takes 10 minutes tops to do, so I am just being slack!  I will continue this practice for February, and begin to make improvements to other rooms in our house, beginning with our bedroom!

4.  Focus on the positives in my life.  I have been really good in this respect, especially in this last week, where I have been getting up before work to read my Bible and 'The Love Dare'.  This is really helping me be positive and focus on being a better partner to TJL and focusing more on the truth of situations rather than my INTERPRETATION of the truth.  In February I will continue the practice of reading the Bible and The Love Dare before work, and building on becoming the person I always wanted to be.

5.  Live life to the fullest.  This means that I not only have to stop watching the TV, but also get off the computer.  I do spend far too much time reading blogs, chatrooms, FB, etc.  I plan to core down my blog favourites (no offence to anyone, but I just don't have the time to read all the ones that I want to).  Having so many to read also means that I am focusing on the WRONG things in my life.  I have been focusing on how other people live rather than focusing on God and on living my life.   It is time to step back and allow God to fulfill me instead of searching for what it is I think will fulfill me.  It is time to stop dreaming of the live(s) that I wish I had and focus on living and appreciating the life that God has gifted to me.

Patience

So I am attempting to get through 'The Love Dare', again.  I did not get very far through it last time.  More than likely something 'frightened me' or something was 'too hard' so I just let it go.  I don't know what or where it was (can't have been too far into the book) but I shall give it a much better go this time.

I have a bit of a plan for reading and completing the dare this time.

Firstly I will review the chapter and write my achievements for the day each night, and then read the chapter for the next day, so I am prepared for the following day.

Secondly I have decided to get up half an hour earlier than usual.  This means that I will be getting up at 4.30am!  Yes that is 4.30am on work days, of which I will spend 15 minutes reading, and taking notes from The Bible, and then 15 minutes re-reading the current chapter from 'The Love Dare' and writing down the dare for the day, so it is in the forefront of my mind.

Thirdly I am just going to have to get brave.  I don't know what it is about me, but I am 'afraid' of love - although I don't really know if that is it, or just what I think it is.  The word 'love' does not come easily to me.  I only ever tell TJL I love him when I am trying to be 'funny' and embarrass him by yelling it out when we are outside in the hopes that the neighbours and/or boss will hear me.  I never tell my parents or sister or friends that I love them, except in the sign-off part of birthday and Christmas cards, so that doesn't really count, as that's pretty easy.

I think, perhaps, my biggest fear is embarrassing myself.  The risk of TJL laughing AT me, or asking me what CRAZY thing I am up to now, or even the risk of embarrassing him (as in a friend of his had a note from his ex-girlfriend in his toolbox that TJL found, and of course TJL then ribbed his friend mercilessly forever).  I guess it makes me nervous that if I did that for him he would hate it, or be embarrassed, or he would just be uncomfortable, or just treat it as a joke, when it wasn't.

Yeah, I wonder why love is so hard for me.  I guess upbringing has something to do with it.  My parents rarely told me that they loved me (although I knew and still know that they do - actions speak louder than words!), and I always HATED being hugged and kissed by aunts, uncles, anyone (and still do, even Mum and Dad aren't allowed to).  My 'rule' is altered for the nieces and nephews, and I can say 'I love you too', to them - but only if they said it's first, and I'm still not THAT comfortable with it.  I can, however, tell my animals that I love them, easy peasy!  A fear of rejection, perhaps.

I think I'm just crazy.  Or different perhaps.  Perhaps I don't have to fit the mould of everyone else.  Perhaps I don't have to 'gush' about how much I miss TJL when I'm away (truth be told, I don't miss him THAT much, which sounds terrible, but it's not.   I am so used to having lived alone and I never get to be alone now so now, I cherish being away).  Perhaps I just have to make my own spin on Valentines day, and while I am reading blogs that are doing a 25 Day Praise Plan for Valentines day, perhaps I need to take what they are suggesting I do, and just do it in my own way.

I am also planning on writing down each night "I love TJL" and maybe, just maybe, I will get confident enough to say it out loud and mean it.

Lord, see how flawed I am!  You sure do have your work cut out for you, but We are working on it, aren't We!

Farm 'shopping'

TJL and I went and walked over a couple of farms that are on the market today.  One is just up the road from where we currently live, and the other was about 20 minutes away.  I can't believe how tired I am after having walked over them.  Just how unfit am I?  Lets not even begin to pretend I want that question answered.  I am pleased that we walked rather than drove our vehicle though, as obviously I need the exercise.

We preferred the first farm.  Originally it had a 'homestead' of some sort on it, and I am just IN LOVE with the foundations - as crazy as that sounds.  I only had my phone to take pictures on, so I might have to head up next open day and take some on my camera 'proper'.  Can one really purchase a farm based on the remains of a homestead - I think so.  Of course it all depends on what the bank will lend us, what our parents will lend us, and what the vendor wants, but it sure was a nice property.  Ideally the owners of our current farm will want to sell sooner rather than later and we can buy here, but OH THOSE FOUNDATIONS!  Pathetic description is a rectangle of concrete (are you thrilled yet) but with these neat stone pillars.  Totally overgrown etc, but if you can build within the original, WOW.  And the view of Mt Taranaki you would get, just awesome!  And in my head I can picture raising a family there, having guests over to admire the view, you know how it goes in fantasy land ...

Second one we looked at was not as good.  Just didn't feel 'right'.  Of course we bumped into people that TJL knows (he knows EVERYONE in this district).  And typically they had a wee one in a car seat in the back, and she was expecting again.  *sigh*  At times you just feel surrounded by it all.

I'm just waiting patiently, well as patiently as I can.

I have picked up the tablets I need to start on the next cycle in the hopes that my folicles will WAKE UP and grow larger than the measley 9mm they were last time (I think, from memory).  Then of course I will  need to go and have equipment put where equipment should never be put, to see what effect the stuff has had.

Hoping for a miracle as per usual, and our first month on this regime we will get pregnant (well taking tablets on day 3 to 7 of a cycle is hardly a regime, but it's a start).  Really, all we can do is pray that God decides that now is our time, and if He decides it's not, then we shall just carry on and hope that His plan gets revealed more and more as the days go by.

Relax and chill out day

Today I decided to have a 'day off', and to just hang around and relax.  The difference to having this day and one of my usual 'lazy' days, is that today I am choosing to do it without the guilt.

My job involves four long 12 hour days of work, followed by 4 days off.  People, TJL in particular, see the 4 days off and figure that I have the life of Reilly (note to self: Google Reilly after this to see where exactly that saying came from).  But those four 12 hour days really take it out of you, and usually on my first day off I tend to laze around doing next to nothing, but I feel guilty about it, which wears me out.  Quite often at this time of year I may have one or two days 'off' photographing an event, so taking into account the amount of time it takes to sort through them all (anywhere from 1000-3000 photos), my days off usually aren't.  In which case work colleagues say 'but yeah, that's not really work when you enjoy it'.  *sigh*

And then there is the guilt.  I don't fully relax knowing TJL wants me to vacuum, wash, fold, garden, cook, clean, help milk, walk dog, shift calves, clean the fishtank, you know - the endless list.  Not to mention what I want to do - catch up on emails, blogs, FB, read my bible and ever growing reading list.  Not to mention pay bills, sort out filing, finances and accounts.

So I forever feel ex.hau.sted!  Sometimes it feels like there is a never ending stream of people who 'want something' from me.  Work expectations - I can work my bench, plus the bench of a colleague away, plus do all of my sections dishes, and transcription check the work of colleagues from 2 other sections, and then do other sections dishes, all in my 12 hour day.  What everyone else is up to is beyond me (especially seeing as how some of them then stay on and work a bit late!  To do what?  Aside from working their bench, I have done everything else).  And in a typical work environment, the one who works 'the hardest' then gets even more work to do as bosses know it will get done.  Home expectations have been listed above.  Photography expectations that I go out and photograph an event and have the photos all loaded within a week (does not happen!)  Friends and family expectations - visiting, socialising, gifts, food!  See, I have just worn myself out thinking about it.

Today is just about being 'free'.  I am not going to do anything. at. all.  In fact I am reading blogs and emails, reading magazines and books, and watching TV.  And I am NOT going to feel guilty about it.  Mind you, perhaps me doth protest too much and I am feeling guilty!  Tough!

Following are some photos I took today - see I have at least left the house, TWICE.  Once to shift calves, and once to see the new bulls and what TJL is up to.

 Flowers in the garden

 Jake

 TJL - who says 'stop putting photos of me on FB', but I know he doesn't mind really.

 TJL with Stella - look at those pleading eyes - 'Help me Mum!'  Is it any wonder she is out of control and jumps all over him!  TJL is just asking for it.

 Borrowing MY label maker to label his tool box thingee - I wonder if it will be returned!

 Heckle and Jeckle

 Latest arrivals (as of today at 1.30pm) Starsky and Hutch

Super Dog Stella

TJL 36th birthday

Yesterday was TJL's 36th birthday - yes, technically, I am a 'cougar', but it's only three years, and I don't think it REALLY counts at our age.

We spent the evening with TJL's Mum, Dad, Sister, BIL, and their 4 children.  As TJL's sister had a funeral to attend earlier in the day, TJL's mum had 3 of the 4 children.  So 'Mum', 'Dad', and 3 children arrived at 6pm, pretty much on.the.dot.  Sis, BIL and #4 did not arrive until after 7pm, so we had the task of 'entertaining', which, once you find 'bouncy balls', was pretty darn easy.  Would have been easier if we had 3 bouncy balls, but two was enough.  Especially for TJL when the kidlets found out that IF you bounce the ball out into the paddock, TJL has to go and fetch it.  Now THAT'S a FUN game!   

 What would YOU do if you saw this pack advancing toward you?

 G2 being 'oh so cutsie', solely for the photo

 'Take a photo of me dancing, Aunty Sally'  G2, for some unknown reason, calls me Aunty Sally (or Sandy), amongst other things.  I think at one point I was Uncle Kathy ... lol.  I just answer, regardless.

 J all smiles, unless he didn't have one of the two bouncy balls, or if he wanted the camera himself

 'I have the bouncy ball!'

 'I'm gonna get that bouncy ball'

 'Here I come, rahhhhhhhh!'

 C with a bouncy ball and a twirl

 Lets make Uncle T fetch a bouncy ball from the paddock, AGAIN

 Hey!  Wait for me!

 Wheeeeeee

 Wheeeeee

 Wheeeeeeeee!

Uncle T!

Another way to entertain them all, was to let them 'play' with my small point 'n' shoot camera.  They got some good shots.  The goldfish were photographed MANY times.  And for some reason, so was my chest - which I didn't realise until I looked at the photos today.  And a lot of close-ups of faces.  Really funny.

And as an aside, my stomach HURTS from today.  I hope that this is 'normal'.  I think it most likely is, but I am feeling pretty 'blah'.  Will see how I am tomorrow, as to whether I think I need to see a doctor or not.

I must admit I am super glad I still have one more day off work tomorrow, YES! 

Clean, clear, and under control?

Finally had my HSG this morning.  Ugh.  I can think of a bazillion better ways of spending 20 or so minutes (like the 20 or so minutes I spent waiting to go in to have the HSG).  Mind you, I could probably think of a bazillion worse ways of spending 20 or so minutes (like how I would imagine Chemotherapy to be).

Anyway, it looks like my tubes are clear ... 'Hooray!', although I must admit I have been kind of focusing on adoption lately, rather than having our own, so weirdly enough, I have mixed feelings.  HOW.  CRAZY.  AM.  I?  Obviously I am glad my tubes are clear, but I do want to continue to look into adoption regardless of whether TJL and I have biological children or not.  The adoption side of things will just have to be put on the back-burner for a while.  I guess, due to my age, I am still a bit confused as to what path to take.  If my tubes were blocked then adoption would definitely be the forerunner.  As they aren't then biological comes out ahead.  I guess the fear is, if we go biological and fail, will we be out of time for adoption (in the sense that I am getting ever closer to 40, and NZ 'law' has it that the parents will not be more than 40 years older than the youngest child).  Guess it still gives us two years to get a 1 year old, so not so bad.

Coincidentally, this morning when I took a look in our 'spare' room which would be 'the baby's room', God whispered in my ear (well in my thoughts), that I haven't exactly 'prepared' for any arrivals and perhaps it is time to do so.  Not in the sense of full on nursery decorating etc, but we (I) could make the room more child ready and appropriate.  And if we are unsuccessful in all of our endeavours (biological child, adoption, fostering) then the room would be ready for any one of our 8 nieces and nephews to come and stay, and would be ready for them in the meantime too.

So this afternoon I wait for a call from Dr Fufu as to our next step.  From memory I will start a minimum level dosage of some kind of hormone to activate my lazy folicles on my next cycle, which will be February.

Exciting.  Scary.  I am so GLAD that this is in God's hands, and I can just 'relax' myself about it.

I've got an appointment - woop woop

Aunt Flo started today, so 8am I was on the phone to the radiology department to try and book a hysteriothingeemablobit.  First couple of times I rang I was a bit early and they had not opened yet.  Then I got through but got the answer phone, so I rang twice more, before leaving a message on said answer phone.

And then I waited.  And I wondered.  And I worried.  And I asked TJL what time I should call back if I hadn't heard anything (he said 9.30).  So I folded washing, and worried, and wondered until I thought.  WHAT AM I DOING HERE?  God is taking care of this, just relax, it is in His capable hands.

And less than 1 minute later the phone rang.  Hooray.  It was the clinic.  Hooray!  Someone had rung in and cancelled and I had an appointment booked for 19th Jan @ 9.00am!  HOORAY!  Thank you God, I am truly a blessed being.

So in a weeks time we shall know whether my tubes are blocked or not, and then what course of action we will take.  Tubes not blocked = hormones to wake up my lazy folicles and prayer that we conceive.  Tubes blocked = adoption or get said tube(s) cleared.  Whatever happens I praise God for taking my worries upon Himself and leaving me to just be.

Unbelieve-a-bull

 Yesterday was the last day the 'bulls' got to be out with the cows, so after last nights milking TJL took B1 out and put him in with B2.  Originally both B1 and B2 were in with the cows, but we had to separate them as they were fighting.  Having spent the last 18 months together, we figured they would be fine being back together now no females were involved.  We were wrong.  Some time in the early hours, while TJL was milking (and I was sleeping), B1 and B2 had a fight, smashed the fence down, and B2 decided to 'explore the neighbourhood'.  I must admit, living in an area that is ALL dairy farms, the only worry was if a vehicle hit him, no real worries that the human residents of the area would be terribly scared of a Jersey Bull, unlike if he was in a city *cue screaming residents here*.

 The result of two bulls fighting, three broken posts - the fence had no chance

 Yep, they created a bit of work for TJL, and the neighbours, as we 'hunted' B2 down.

 TJL digging a post hole, to replace the smashed one

 B2 was found and had gone in this direction.  I got to stand, and wait.  I wasn't too sure how far away he was (apparently around 2kms).  And wait.  And wait.

 Then I finally heard the motorbikes, and B2 bellowing, and out he popped from the neighbours driveway

 TJL and the boss brought B2 along the road and up to our driveway (where I was positioned to turn him into his paddock).  He did attempt to go up the boss' driveway, boss yelled 'you're not bl**dy going in there' and so down he came further to our place

 And into our place he trundled, bellowing most of the way

 Safe and sound back in his paddock, he proceeded to tell the entire neighbourhood about his adventures.

 He then settled back into his paddock

 Had a bit of a dust bath

And made right with the world.  He is such a HANDSOME fellow, I'd love to give him a cuddle, but I don't think he'd appreciate it.  Since his return he has had a couple of big sleeps, must have been quite an adventure for him.  Funny how last night I asked TJL if we should close the road gate but I could not explain my reasoning - note to self - 'next time listen to 'your gut', it's actually God having a whisper in your ear!

After these fun time adventures I finally decided to make my first ever strawberry jam.  Ummmmmm.  Most of my jamming strawberries were now mouldy!  Argh!  So I just used what I had.

Cut and then slightly mushed strawberries

Same weight in sugar

Give 'em a bit of a stir

Boil around 10 minutes (I did only about 6 minutes as I was paranoid they would burn)

Prep the only 5 jars you have, just incase ...

Find out you only have 3/4 of a jar worth. 

Have yet to taste test it, shall have it on toast tomorrow, I am so looking forward to it!  Hmmmmmm jam!

Big girl pants

So I did it, I phoned CYFS, but I didn't get very far as the lady who deals with inter-country adoptions isn't in until tomorrow.  Told you, very small country, it sounds like only one person deals with it ... lol.  Hopefully she phones tomorrow, or the next day, otherwise I am back at work and TJL might have to deal with it - oh no!  lol   The cool thing was, on my drive back from town Joyce Meyer came on the radio with the profound words she once heard 'do it afraid', and so that is how I am choosing to approach this foray into adoption.  Do.  It.  Afraid.   So, in-spite of my fears that Trent is not 100% onboard with adoption (see next paragraph), in-spite of my fears that it is going to be 'too hard', 'too expensive', 'too much work' and a whole heap of other things swirling around in my head, I am going to pursue adoption in-spite of my fears.  God will provide all that I need.  God will give TJL confidence.   God will provide the funds. God will see us through the hard work, the trials, the tribulations.  God will direct us to where-ever he needs us to be.

TJL did say today that he is nervous.  And he kept saying 'its a big step'.  And generally I got the impression that he is not all that keen, but he knows how badly I want it, so he is 'going along with it'.  To which, I pointed out that, that just would not work.   It has to be either both of us wanting it or not at all.  I posed the question - 'would you prefer adopted children, or none at all?', and I was not too sure of the answer.  He said he wanted children.  To which I pointed out, that, then, was it not best to get all of the homestudy and checks underway now so we are good to go should adoption be our path.  To which he agreed.  I think, perhaps, that it is happening a bit too quick for him, despite the fact we have been trying to conceive for over 2 years, and I have been mentioning adoption for the last year.  He still holds out hope for a child of our own, whereas I just want children, regardless of where they come from.  And who, aside from God, knows what is going to be.  We may have our own, we may adopt, we may just stay a family of two, regardless of which, it is in Gods hands and we will be happy with his plan.

On another subject, I did a wee bit of a kitchen tidy-up today, so I have chucked in a few before and after photos.  I purchased a small two shelf bookcase for $12.50, which I now store my herbs, spices, and breakfast condiments etc.  I think its pretty amazing how much difference it made to getting my, previously user unfriendly containers of herbs etc off of the bench.  I am very happy with myself!

Before

 After

 Before

After

My new spice and condiment shelves.  I LIKE IT!  (and TJL does too, and thats what counts!)

Adoption?

 I brought up the idea of adoption (from Russia) up with TJL this morning, and he was totally open to it, so I am going to try and put my 'big girl pants' on tomorrow and phone CYFS (the Government organisation that deals with all the guff in NZ - bonus of being a teeny tiny country, options are limited, usually down to one ... lol) and see if they can send me out some information.  I have a strong dislike of using the telephone, hence the need for 'big girl pants'!  I can access a lot of information on the internet, so I think I might just be getting the ball rolling.  I have not exactly given up on having our own, but time is ticking and if I don't get onto adoption soon then the adoption clock might run out too.

Of course now I have been kind of given the go-ahead (surely by now TJL knows that I am likely to become obsessed with the idea, so he should not give me any inkling to progress with something unless he is sure he wants me too), my mind is full.  I want three (TJL would prefer two).  My reason for wanting three is to do with a) chances are we would get them sooner and, more importantly, b) hopefully it would mean a bit less trauma flying around the world with strangers you are going to be living with.  It would be like a wee built in support system.   Ages would be around 7, 4, and 2 (as they they would fit in with their cousins (7 of them aged 7 to 1 currently)).  And Russia, because they would 'look like us', which I think would make it easier on them at school etc.  Told you, obsessed already!

Anyhow, tonight we went to TJL's nieces 6th birthday.  C turns 6 tomorrow.  TJL's sister has 4 children.  At one point she had 4 children under 5.  If you are looking for your fertility, I think TJL's sister has it.  I'm guessing that she has mine!  Lol!

Birthday girl C

Next one down, G

Number three, Big Boy J

And the baby of the family, S

A good time was had by all, and I am glad that I FINALLY got some photos of TJL's nieces and nephews.  I do have INTENSE guilt that our home is covered in my nieces and nephews pictures and only have one set of TJL's

Lord, please give me the strength and courage to phone CYFS tomorrow.  Please continue to guide TJL and I on whichever journey you have chosen for us.  Thank you for our continued blessings.