How long do you wait for someone to show up?

I had a meeting with my web designer today, scheduled for 2pm in town (which I assumed was the cafe that we usually met at).  I am very good at arriving early, so I was there at 1.50pm.  By 2.20pm there was no sign of J.  At this point I sent him a text message, to ascertain whether he was running late, or had forgotten, and I STILL haven't heard back from him *sigh*.  I only waited around until 2.25pm, but considering I had a 70km trip into town, soley for this meeting, I was a little, ummm, upset would be the correct word.  Not necessarily because I had made the trip in especially for our meeting, I was upset more because I had been forgotten.  Not a nice feeling at ALL!  Leaves me feeling unimportant, and insignificant.  Now I KNOW that this was not his intention AT ALL, but that is all it takes to knock my confidence in myself.  I am not a hugely people person, mostly because I think I 'bore' them, or have nothing in common with anyone, and when I get forgotten it just reinforces this thinking - I so need to GET A GRIP!

Anyway, since I was in town, I decided to continue my drive from Saturday, and I headed around the coast to the lighthouse, to take some photos.  I have not finished editing them by any means, and have not selected my favourites as yet, but I think a few of my shots today might make it onto my website (none of which follow here, as I haven't copyrighted them yet either :-)

The lighthouse.  How do you know it's a lighthouse in Taranaki?  There is a cow in front of it!

Dead starfish I found very high up on the rocks.  Not to sure whether is got washed up there in stormy seas, or whether some 'uneducated' person pulled it up out of a rock pool and let the poor thing die.  I have bought it home with me, don't know what I plan to do with it, dead animals are not really my kind of decoration.  I did think it would be of some educational benefit for the nieces and nephew.

Falling down, rotting house.  Not too far from the 'beach'  (beach is rocks, not sand).  I told TJL it could be our new beach house (not that we have an old one).  He didn't think it was 'suitable'.  Apparently one goes to the 'beach' to relax, NOT do up a house *sigh*.  Think longterm dude!

This is a tiny stream that leads to the sea.  It was quite delightful.

Random ramblings

The weather has been extremely mixed today.  Hence it was another day that I spent inside, just mucking around and wasting time.  TJL and I did plan to go to the supermarket to get groceries, but that got sidelined, due to apathy and we just could not be bothered (I guess thats what apathy means!).  This means that we have NO bread, NO cheese, not much of anything really.

Has it been raining much around here lately?  Ummmm - YEP!

I have been a very bad girlfriend (I so don't know what to call myself, girlfriend, partner, wannabe wife?) lately.  TJL has to go out EVERYDAY, morning and night, to milk the cows.  And me, well, I have been very naughty and staying inside when I should be out there helping.  OKAY, so the weather has been VERY bad, and I do work full time outside of the home, but I do still need to pull finger and give him a hand.  ARGHHHHH at ME!

Is Stella an outside dog?  Ummm yep, uh-huh, yip

So I failed to head out again today, either morning OR afternoon.  Seriously, the weather is TERRIBLE!  So to quell half of the GUILT thing I baked some gingerbread (in a round tin because I didn't have a square or rectangle one - doh!), and afghan biscuits for TJL, and lets be honest here, for me too, thus only quells HALF the guilt.  ACK .... just add more guilt, where has my healthy eating gone??  And now, in the oven, is homemade Shepherds Pie - mmmmm left over Central Hawkes Bay Lamb roast all chopped up,  mixed with canned tomato and left over gravy, onion, salt, pepper, and herbs all topped off with mashed potato and kumera (sweet potato).  I hope its going to be a good one (sometimes the product is NOT as good as it sounds).  EDIT - it was de.lic.ous!  We had 2 helpings each.

What can I say ... more mud

Due to the mud TJL has decided that the cows have to wait for him after milking.  If they don't wait, by the time the last cows get to the paddock, the first cows have trashed it, and the last ones don't get any grass.  I should have videoed them soley so you can hear what the COWS have to say about having to wait ... MOOOOOOOOO!  And thats a very angry moo!

The girls, impatiently waiting for TJL to finish milking so they can go and get fresh grass.

C'mon Summer!  Problem with that is we will probably have a drought!  Farmers are NEVER happy ... lol

Stormy weather

Lil' old NZ is currently covered by a huge storm. I do so love a good storm. The only problem with this one is that Canterbury is still recovering from the earthquakes, and here in Taranaki, it has not stopped raining for, what feels like, MONTHS. So we would have preferred a Sun Storm (does such a thing exist?) But, oh, I do so love a good storm.

Breakers at the port. Would be a good shot if not so blurry. I have camera shake at the best of times, but the wind was really buffeting me around (far to windy for tripod, would have just blown it over)

Being the super intelligent human being that I am, I decided to head out to the coast to check out the sea. Forecasts had the swells at around 7 metres (and reports recommended that we DIDN'T go to the beach - yes I am one of THOSE people), but they weren't that big. The sea was pretty choppy and rough though, and the wind was HOWLING! (As evidenced by the video below).

The video is pretty ugly, I did it on my little point n shoot, and I was getting SOAKED. But you can hear the wind noise pretty clearly, it was LOUD. And the rain STUNG my face, like needles. And did I mention that I got SOAKED. Biggest problem was I was only half way through my coastal drive, but I had to get home because I was SOAKED.

And then, at some times, the sun came out, but I was still being blown around.

Ahhhhh, west coast black sand shores.

Hopefully I can head out again tomorrow, or Monday, and finish the coastal drive. With any luck the storm might have subsided, and I can just get some landscape and 'art' shots.

I travelled down one road to the sea (just prior to getting soaked), and there would have been about 5 of these old chimneys standing proudly in the paddocks there. I plan to go back on a less windy day, set up the tripod, and pray for blue skies. I have a passion for anything that has been neglected.

How to make your sister cry

Video of my nieces and nephew

I was playing around on iTunes and decided to make another video (this is related because I like to put my still shots to music), this time using images of my sisters children. This is my second and final version. Pleased to say it made my sister cry - in a good way, I hope!

Hardest part was finding suitable music, so big ups to TJL who suggested Miley Cyrus, pre her 'metamorphosis' into 'adulthood' (I still haven't figured out why this has to be via sexing up - bah humbug!)

Hot lunch date

TJL and I - self portrait

TJL and I headed into the big smoke of New Plymouth today. Just took the little point n shoot, incase there was anything to photograph. We had lunch at a cute wee cafe called Chaos. I had a corn and zuchinni stack - Mm Mm Mmmmmmm. TJL had chicken pie. We both had a slice of Caramel Crunch - De.Lic.Ous - couldn't have too much though as it was very, very sweet.

TJL checking out the DIRTY surf - we have had a TONNE of rain

The dirty surf, with a view up the coast

Under the bridge downtown

Then home again, home again, jiggity jig. I have made some more chocolate cows and sheep (I am making a chocolate tic-tac-toe board for a work social club fundraiser), the sausage casserole is all ready for the oven for dinner, and life is GOOD!

Why do I want children?

I feel the need to write this as, at the age of 38 and 11/12ths (ie 39 next month), my chances of actually HAVING any children feels like its getting to be more and more remote. Sure, EVERYONE has a story about a woman they know, who had their first child when they were OLDER than me, but still, sometimes, I really begin to wonder if TJL and I will ever conceive.

And so I thought I would write down my reasons for WHY I really want children, beyond the maternal desire, of which I can do NOTHING about, in the hopes I can start to LIVE my life TODAY, rather than getting through each day, waiting for the future when I am a Mum and my life can begin (how crazy am I?). I guess I am looking for a way I can feel COMPLETE without having children.

WHY DO I WANT CHILDREN?

To give the holidays meaning, and so I can have big family holiday gatherings when I am older.

To give life ‘meaning’.

To give a reason for play, to watch the Wiggles, and Thomas, and hang at the park.

To go places.

To have family holidays.

To have subjects to photograph and scrapbook.

To fill my heart.

To give me an excuse to be mushy.

So I have kids who are mine, ones I don’t have to give back, and can raise MY way.

To buy cute clothes.

To buy fun toys.

To throw birthday parties.

To watch them play sport, or dance, or sing, or act, or whatever they choose to do.

To teach and encourage and help grow.

To take care of.

To love.

To guide along their journey.

To feel like I belong, am the ‘same’ as everyone else, not left out of the ‘my child did this’ conversations

BENEFITS TO BEING CHILD FREE

We can pack up and go anywhere, anytime we want

We do not have to find babysitters when we decide we want to go out

We have double income, and less expenses

We don’t have to deal with tantrums, and illnesses.

We don’t have to worry about outside influences, and what to protect, or not protect, our children from

No one is judging our parenting skills

WHAT I CAN START DOING TO LIVE EVERY DAY

Play with, and train Stella, to do agility on my days off

Tramp and explore the Taranaki region, weekly

Go for drives, to explore and photograph the region, weekly

Go out for dinner once a month

Go out for lunch once a fortnight

Take Stella to beach once a fortnight

Decorate and style the house

Decorate and style myself

Design and plant my garden

Scrapbook photos of TJL and me (just because we do not have children doesn’t mean that we are not doing stuff worthy of documenting)

Organise a decent calendar so we remember important dates

Try and be brave and invite other people to socialise with

Change one thing in my life

This post is inspired by a post by Stephanie which posed the question "If you had the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?" And her answer was very similar to mine, so I thought that I would share my answer to this question.

My answer is YES! Well, I guess if it wasn't yes this would be a VERY short post.

So WHAT I would like to change is the direction I took straight out of High School - 20 years ago, yep thats TWENTY YEARS AGO! *insert wailing, crying, tantrum here*

When I was in high school my passions were horses and photography. My desire to work with horses was 'dismissed' by my parents when I was around 14. 'There is NO MONEY to be made with horses!' I gave up riding about 1 year later ... don't know whether this was just a 'grow out of it phase' or 'there is no future in this so why bother' attitude.

When I was 18 and deciding what I wanted to do when I left school (I knew it HAD to be further study, I just didn't know what) I brought up the question of attending the Elam College of Arts to study photography. And this idea got 'dismissed' because this 'college' wasn't good enough.

*sigh*

What to do, what to do?

What I did was, study psychology for 1 year, study science for 1 year (failed), studied psychology a second year (failed), drifted, drifted, drifted, studied photography for 6 months, drifted, drifted, drifted, then decided that I really, really wanted to study 'Parks and Recreation', so at 25 went back to university, studied Parks and Recreation for 1 year, upped it to a double degree of Parks and Rec, and Conservation and Ecology. 3 years into the 4 year double degree decided to leave with just a Degree in Conservation and Ecology (failed internet relationship, led to depression, led to leaving early). So I finally did get that degree (A average no less), but NO JOBS, passion soon waned, blah blah blah.

And where am I now? I have a job that pays 'well' but I don't enjoy it, and I think about what could have been had I followed my passions way back when.

I am, however, now pursuing the photography and horses dream by being an equestrian event photographer in my spare time. And I am getting back into my photography so much that I am looking at getting back into art photography as well.

I'm nearly 39. Life could have been SO different had I had the 'guts' or the 'drive' to follow my passions when I was 15 or 18. But I can not WASTE the rest of my life with the what if's, I now have to get the guts, and get the drive, and follow my passions, and 'get' the life I desire.

Web design and lightroom 3

Daffodil - I don't think that this is my final saved product - methinks I have a LOT more learning to d0

Cow 107, ready for milking

Had a meeting with my web designer today. He's great! Really getting a move on with my website, that's for sure (as he should be, I'm paying him enough! LOL!). He has also recommended that I upload Adobe Lightroom 3, which I have done, and now I am having a wee play around. So todays shots are from having a tootie with lightroom 3.

Fencepost

I am not so good at the whole, artsy, fartsy, still life shots. I am much better with 'action'. But I have had a wee wander around the farm, and took a few images, for playing with. Hopefully I will get a chance to have a shoot around tomorrow to see what I can get, and do. This is if the weather decides to cooperate, which is has not been lately. It has been decidedly icky!

Lichen

I will spend a bit of time tonight surfing the net, in case there is an event on over the weekend that I feel like shooting. Otherwise I might go for a drive, or go for a walk around the lake, and see what I can see.

Flax

Negative and slide film scanner

Don't you just love how God intervenes in your life sometimes and just points you towards something you have been wanting for a longish time? It's not a 'huge' thing. Not groundbreaking, or AMAZING. Certainly not life changing, but pretty cool just the same.

When you don't have your own kids (yet! Please God, choose to bless me) you take a TONNE of photos of your sisters kids

So, I have been wanting a negative scanner for a wee while now. Typically I did not want, or was not able, to spend a lot of money. Really, I wasn't looking too hard. I had had a quick online look, but MAN they were expensive. And its only to scan my old snapshots mostly. I don't really think that I have any shots of note, however I do have 1000's, if not 10's of 1000's to sort through and scan. Anywho, at work yesterday during lunch I pulled out a scrapbooking mag, and a colleague next to me said 'Do you scrapbook?' 'I dabble a bit' was my reply. 'I have thousands of photos and it is a good way to display them'. To which she replied her mother had just purchased a negative scanner from 'the Warehouse' for around $120.00 ($129.00 as it turns out).

When you are no longer young, and can not 'do' gymnastics (not that I could do anything more than a handstand, or cartwheel), you live through your sisters kids

*Ching ching*

My attention from the magazine was instantly GONE. Colleague gets my full attention. Where in the Warehouse was it? In the CD section (behind the counter it turns out). Does it scan slide as well? Yes. Does it scan 35mm only? Yes(bit of a poo as I have some of my grandparents, or even great grandparents HUGE black and white negatives. I might just have to bite the bullet on those ones).

My sister has three kids, do you think she would notice if I stole one of them?

So, I went into town today and bought myself one. It was the last one on the shelf (thank you God), and I can't wait until I get a chance to open it up and use it - I can tell right now that TJL is going to get sick and tired of me saying

'HEY TJ, come look at this one. I took this in 1986, when I was 15. That there is Jo, and this here is Tina, and we did blah blah blah, and I remember when such and such did this crazy thing, and then we had icecreams, and Mr Wotnot rode a bicycle, and we should visit crazy town and go see my old school, and blah blah blah'

Me, I can talk a lot. Poor TJL, I feel sorry for him already.

Trip to visit my family

Just arrived back home today after two full days of visiting my family on the other side of the island, at Waipukurau. It was fairly full on, as visiting usually is, and the thought that I have to get up tomorrow at 4.45am for work is not at all appealing.

Miss T - aged 3, on the beam at G's Gymnastics training

Drove straight to Waipuk after work on Wednesday, as I only had 3 days off this roster due to doing a swap with a colleague. Arrived at my sisters around 7.30pm, just before the kidlets went to bed. G was her spoiled self, expecting a gift 'because you ALWAYS bring us something', however this time I didn't have anything as I hadn't had time to find something - and perhaps her expectations SHOW me that perhaps I do spoil them a bit - however I am AUNTY and it is my JOB to spoil them. G proceeded to 'hunt through' my bags for something, until I told her off (I may spoil them, but I also discipline them and I don't tolerate rudeness!). T was her usual cutesy self. She is 3, and that is my FAVOURITE age! Too cute for words! C was his usual suspicious self, he is only 1 so takes a while to click on to who exactly I am.

Mr C (aged 1) - more interest in putting the lid back on the container than what is inside

Thursday saw myself, sister, T and C head off to the Central Hawkes Bay Festival (poor G had school, but I don't think she particularly cared a heck of a lot, and we hadn't really mentioned it too much the night before. I took my camera to the festival, but there was not really a lot to photograph, as it was just about all indoors. I bought SO MUCH stuff - a cushion, boysenberry topping and jam, beeswax, lavender soap and hand cream, a vase, gingerbread men, Belgian chocolate truffles, and there is bound to be more. Ooooops, a bit of an overspend, but I do want my little home town to keep its festival going.

Miss G (aged 6) leaping off the beam, at Gymnastics training

After the festival I went and watched G at her gymnastics training. I really quite enjoy watching the girls (and a few boys) training really hard. G really seems to love it, and she (about to bragg here) is REALLY good. She has only been going for about 6 months, and has so much talent it makes me so proud. I really, really hope that she sticks with it, and it takes her far (as long as she does NOT get obsessed with her weight). She is quite lucky that her mum and dad are very petite! I think she is going to make a fantastic gymnast.

My cushion purchase

Friday I went and saw Ma n Pa, the dogs, and the horses. Everyone looks fit and well, Dad can even CYCLE up the steep hill now. GO DAD! I am so proud that he is finally doing something about his health and fitness (he does play golf as well, but he is a big man). He asked if I thought that biking up the hill was pretty good, MAN its FANTASTIC, I don't even think that I would make it too easily these days! I am so, so proud of him.

N and I went into Hastings, with baby C, for a wee bit of shopping. All I got was a couple of cheap knives. Oh, and Silky Oak chocolates.

On the way to the start of the Sunrise Hut track, Ruahine Ranges

And finally today, I did a bit of a drive around before heading for home. Ruahine Ranges, my favourite place in the whole world (well what little bit of the world I have seen). My BIL wanted a photo with lambs in the foreground, and the ranges in the background, oh and daffodils - YEAH RIGHT! He is a city bloke and does not realise that at this time of year, the sheep are lambing AND these normally skitterish, fleeing creatures are even more so. Plus there was too much cloud in the sky, and the wind, and my time constraints. It just didn't allow for any good piccys. He will have to get a local on the job, I'm afraid.

I have lots more too say about my visit, but I am just too tired. I will either post about it in my next post, or just totally forget to do anything ... lol

Goodnight and God Bless

A question answered

So one of my biggest questions regarding religion was 'if God does exist, and he is a loving, kind and just God, then WHY DO SO MANY INNOCENT CHILDREN (AND ANIMALS) GET HURT BY THEIR OWN FAMILIES? Unfortunately I live in a country where, in the last few years, our news has been dominated by children being beaten, generally at the hands of a family member, beaten so often that they eventually end up dead (and these are children under 5). And, although a story such as this has not hit the HEADLINES for some time, recent accounts in newspapers tell of similar tales, such as the mother who gave her 7 children marajuana, because it made them sleep, and now they wouldn't be quiet without it! WHAT?! And this of course then begged the question - how come 'these people' can have lots and lots of children (we have an awesome welfare system), and TJL and I (who are 'good people') are struggling to get pregnant? And then lately there have been untold news stories involving animal cruelty, which I also despise, so don't get me started ... lol

ANYHOW, (long story LONG ... lol), the answer to my question came to me this morning - Perhaps God is 'allowing' these things to occur so WE can finally realise how much we NEED HIM and his FORGIVENESS. And, obviously, we are NOT GETTING IT. I mean, how blunt does He need to be? CHILDREN ARE BEING BEATEN TO DEATH HERE! We have been living the 'free' life. The life we THINK we want. We don't have to commit to anyone. We don't have to answer to anyone. We can just do whatever it is we want to. And look where it's got us! No one cares about anyone any longer. It is NEVER our fault - my upbringing was rough, my father left my mother for another woman, when I was 7 my cat murdered a mouse and now I'm a serial killer. I mean, seriously, there are just no consequences for our actions anymore, we always blame everyone else. We never stand up and say 'I am to blame, I am human, please forgive me!'

We believe that our life is in our hands, and it's not. God knows his plan for us, and when so many people choose not to follow that path, the result is what we have today - a selfish, rude, uneducated, violent, blaming society. We need God. I need God. I really hope, and pray, that more and more people start to wake up to the fact we need to beg for his forgiveness. Because we have denied Gods existence for so long, and we have stopped asking for forgiveness for our sins, we, as a society, are now reaping the rewards of this denial, and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And so, the more I open my mind and life to God, the more my questions are being answered. And I think that this is just awesome! I feel truly blessed that God has come into my life. Sure, I have a whole lot to learn, but it is going to be a fabulous journey!

My Bible has arrived - did I post that already?

*Disclaimer* I am extremely new to religion, and the Bible, so please excuse my, no doubt many, faux pas. If you are well versed in these matters please feel free to 'educate' me, in the nicest possible way

Anyway, my first Bible arrived yesterday. It is a version that 'should' read so people of today can understand it. I think that this is a good thing, considering it is my first one. I am not too sure how one should read it, so I am reading it from the beginning. So far its tough. I have a science brain, and so, well, I need MORE background information. There just isn't enough DEPTH for me, YET! I read some things and say 'but WHY?' or 'I DISAGREE' and then I ponder it, and say, 'Well actually ...' and I can, hmmmmm, believe it? I am not sure that this is the phrase I want to use, perhaps I can understand how 'it' works, ('it' being the laws of the bible). Boy oh boy, do I have a LONG way to go! But, thankfully to all the bloggers I can access, (and read practically daily), I have help and assistance with insights, and meanings, and encouragement, to further my study and teachings.

To break up the monotony of my post, I did a bit of shopping today - candles, a file system to note down happenings of significance during the years (thanks for the idea fellow blogger - steadymom), a surf t.shirt and card for Dad, for fathers day. Totally forgot to buy a whiteboard pen, AGAIN!

The other thing I had a think about today was letting the man lead in the family (well, in our case lead me, since we have not been blessed with children as yet). And I thought that in this day and age most men don't know HOW to lead, or are to afraid to, incase they make a mistake, and get blamed, yelled at, abused. So I have decided that my job is to encourage my partner to lead, to build up his confidence and self esteem so he is confident in taking a leadership role. I guess that this is another symptom of the decline of religion in our society. There are no longer defined roles that we each learn and know how to 'play', this leads to 'confusion' and then 'conflict' (lets be realistic, in times of difference one person really does need to submit to prevent constant conflict). I really think that a lot of us out there are 'running around in a state of confusion' because we really do not have any solid ground upon which to stand, no societal rules that apply - except for the big ones like 'murder'. I am hoping that if I can learn to submit (not at all in my nature, or the way I was raised), and I can learn to build TJL up, then we can live a fairly happy and harmonious life - I'm not a fool, I know we won't be perfect, but hopefully this will enable us to survive times of turmoil and to live in the moment during times of joy.

Before and after

I had an eye combo today (brows tinted and waxed, eyelashes tinted). I attempted to take a before and after photo. So this top photo is the before. Yes, I should NOT pull my hair back so severely, but, well, no excuses, its what I do, and a very hard HABIT to break. I'm working on it (and I'm working on the double chin AND the potatoes in the background - put them away Micha!)

The after photo. I think there is a bit of difference, it is very noticeable in the real world. I really dig how I have an artwork (Bali sarong thing) hanging in the background, and all you can see is a 'butt'. Potatoes in the first shot, butt in the second. Gee I am a talent at self portraiture.

Babysitting

TJL's Mum has gone out of town to a wedding, so we are looking after his little brother, George.

Now this guy is spoiled rotten. He SCREAMS bloody murder, THROWS his food on the floor, RIPS the wallpaper, and has been known to BITE. On his last visit he got into my highlighters and cracked ALL of the casings, and then pulled the ink spongey thing out from inside. To say he is destructive is an understatement! He should not be left alone for a second.

He is so fussy with his food, that if you give him a carrot he bites and SPITS OUT the 'outside' part of the carrot, and eats the sweet, juicy inside part only.

If he is not screaming, (or barking like a dog), he is asking 'what you doing?'

Don't let his cute, innocent looks fool you. This guy will probably outlive us all!

Hi, I'm George, and my favourite 'trick' is to ring like a telephone REALLY REALLY loudly

'See how cute I am, is it any wonder I am soooooo naughty'

So aside from ringing like a telephone, screaming, and barking like a dog, George can say 'what you doing?', 'Goodnight my darling', 'hello Georgie' and 'naughty boy' (he got THAT one right!)

They apparently live to about 90, and I think he might be OUR inheritance - May TJL's mother live a full and healthy life!

Photographing around town

I spent a couple of hours taking a few photographs around our little town yesterday (population 2100). And we are rural from the town, so as you can imagine, its quite a dinky wee place. It does have a lot of lovely old buildings though.

This is the historical society building (TJL tells me it used to be the Westpac Bank)

This lovely old building does have a 'museum' on the first floor, on the road frontage. I was surprised to see that all of the windows along the side were totally gone. The sign says that there used to be a pool hall in the bottom. TJL thinks it used to be a sewing factory in its hey day.

The town hall - front

The town hall - behind the facade (corrigated iron)

The old BNZ bank, now a second hand shop

The former Post and Telegraph Office - now a persons residence

The Police Station - perhaps it always was - we don't know

Mural - sorry it's a bit dark and I need to reshoot

Other part of mural

Mt Taranaki (or Mt Egmont). Taranaki is famous for two things - dairy cows, and this mountain