"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Insecure under achiever

Most days I feel like such an under achiever, well failure would be more accurate, but under achiever is less harsh ... lol.  It is probably something that I bleat on about far too often, but until I can change my thinking and attitude, I will probably continue to bleat on about it.

I think that my biggest problem is that I live either regretting my past and wishing I could go back, or dreaming about the future and where I could be, and so I totally forget about living in the now which means I never arrive to the dreams of my future.  Does that make sense at all?

It does not help that I see so many things that 'I want to do' or 'What I should be doing' or 'I am so jealous of' that my brain is full and confused and I end up sitting on my ass on the couch, watching TV where people are living the life that I want.  I'm surfing the net and 'dreaming' about what could have been, or what I wish for, or where I want to be, and then I get to the end of the day and have achieved ZILCH, ZERO, NADA.

While I can acknowledge that my life is not THAT bad, I strongly dislike it, and so I strongly dislike me. And it is very hard for other people to like you if you don't like yourself.  

And life is passing me by.  Every day I get older.  I am not living.  I am existing only.  I feel like I have no joy.  I feel like I have no time for anything.  I sit around feeling 'sorry for myself' - wah wah wah, I don't have children.  I don't have a farm.  I'm so overweight.  Poor me!

So what do I want?  I mean really, what do I WANT?!  What would make me happy?  What do I really think would make me happy?  Would being able to have children TOTALLY change my life and I will be happy for ever after?  I mean really?  Will they?   Will having a tidy house and lovely garden truly make me happy?  Will owning my own farm truly make me happy?  I mean truly, for ever and ever?  So I never complain again?  Nope.  Nothing will ever make me 'that' happy.  I feel like I will ALWAYS complain.

So maybe I am just an 'unhappy' person and I will never be happy.  Actually I don't think that happy is the right word.  I am looking for satisfied, perhaps.  Will I ever be satisfied?  Can I ever be satisfied with what I have instead of always wanting more?  Can I ever be satisfied that I can't go back in time and relive my life?  Can I ever be genuinely happy for people who have 'more' than I do, without feeling jealous?  Will I ever, really, truly like who I am?  I am where I am.  I have what I have.  Nothing can change that right now!  And so I need to live in the now, with an eye to the future and bearing in mind learnings from the past.

I need to focus away from thinking about myself, continuously.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  I think about myself all. the. time!  How will this affect me?  How will people perceive me if I do that?  If I did 'this' or 'that' other people will think I am so cool.  Why am I so focused on what other people think of me?  And why is this focus about how 'cool' I am rather than how 'nice' I am?  Seriously, it is all about me, ALL ABOUT ME!  ALL THE TIME!  What is that about?

I guess it is all about insecurity.  The constant need for reassurance that I exist, that people like me, that I am 'better' than others (because who wants to be mediocre?  Seriously!).  Lets face it, life today is a popularity contest.  How many facebook friends.  How many 'views' of your youtube video.  How many photos you sell.  How many thank you's you get.  And you HAVE to compare them to everyone else, otherwise how else do you know how well you are doing?  Like, if there is another photog. in the same area I am in I 'freak out' that their shots will be better, or that they are sabotaging me by standing where I want to, or in my shots, or something.  Because it is ALL ABOUT ME you know.  And I am only truly confident in my photographic ability when there is no one else with a camera.  Seriously.  Insecure.

And so

It is time to stop!  Stop counting and comparing.  Stop wishing and whining.  Stop looking for instant gratification.  Stop doing things so other people think you are awesome.  Stop WORRYING about what other people think and say and do.

And now

It is the time to start!  Start being thankful for what I have.  Start focusing on what I want, and how I can get there.  Start living for God and for Gods approval only.

Lord, please forgive me of my many sins, the most prominent being selfishness.  Please help me to be a better, happier, selfless person.  Please guide me along the path You have designed for me.  Please help me bring glory to Your name.  Please help me to stay strong in moments of selfish weakness.  I know I am truly blessed to be living the life I have.  Please help me to count my blessings during my times of weakness.  Amen

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