Insane in the brain

9dp3dt (I think!)

Two more sleeps until blood test day, if I manage to last that long before heading to the looney bin.  The closer it gets the more nervous I get, which I am assuming is normal (I know, I know,  to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME).

Also, is it normal to be pleased for fellow IVFer's that get their BFP but then you think that, you know, with statistics 'n all, if they get the BFP then that leaves a BFN to be filled?  Crazy?  Yes!  Illogical?  Yes!  Does this thought enter my head?  Heck yes!  Do I begrudge them their BFP?  NO!  Am I somewhat jealous?  Yes!  Does all of this make me appear selfish?  Yes, but I hope it's temporary.

My mind also flip flops between picturing telling people 'it's a BFP', and then to the 'it's a BFN'.  I try to remove both thoughts from my head, and to wait patiently until Sunday (or even Monday if that's when the clinic get's back to me) but man it's hard, my mind won't stop.

And I'm also imagining things.  I thought that I saw something on my sanitary pad when I went to the loo.  Was it brownish? Was it the start of a period?  So I sit, and stew about it, trying to avoid going back to the bathroom in case of what I might see.  Then I get brave, and go back, and it's nothing.  Not even really any colour, it's just pessary goo, I'm sure.  So I breathe a sigh of relief, once again.

I think part of the weirdest thing is usually I have some kind of gut feeling about things, but this time I got nothing.  One moment I think it's all going to work out, next moment I think, nup, not this time sister.  COME  ON  SUNDAY!  Put me out of my misery!