Insecure under achiever

Most days I feel like such an under achiever, well failure would be more accurate, but under achiever is less harsh ... lol.  It is probably something that I bleat on about far too often, but until I can change my thinking and attitude, I will probably continue to bleat on about it.

I think that my biggest problem is that I live either regretting my past and wishing I could go back, or dreaming about the future and where I could be, and so I totally forget about living in the now which means I never arrive to the dreams of my future.  Does that make sense at all?

It does not help that I see so many things that 'I want to do' or 'What I should be doing' or 'I am so jealous of' that my brain is full and confused and I end up sitting on my ass on the couch, watching TV where people are living the life that I want.  I'm surfing the net and 'dreaming' about what could have been, or what I wish for, or where I want to be, and then I get to the end of the day and have achieved ZILCH, ZERO, NADA.

While I can acknowledge that my life is not THAT bad, I strongly dislike it, and so I strongly dislike me. And it is very hard for other people to like you if you don't like yourself.  

And life is passing me by.  Every day I get older.  I am not living.  I am existing only.  I feel like I have no joy.  I feel like I have no time for anything.  I sit around feeling 'sorry for myself' - wah wah wah, I don't have children.  I don't have a farm.  I'm so overweight.  Poor me!

So what do I want?  I mean really, what do I WANT?!  What would make me happy?  What do I really think would make me happy?  Would being able to have children TOTALLY change my life and I will be happy for ever after?  I mean really?  Will they?   Will having a tidy house and lovely garden truly make me happy?  Will owning my own farm truly make me happy?  I mean truly, for ever and ever?  So I never complain again?  Nope.  Nothing will ever make me 'that' happy.  I feel like I will ALWAYS complain.

So maybe I am just an 'unhappy' person and I will never be happy.  Actually I don't think that happy is the right word.  I am looking for satisfied, perhaps.  Will I ever be satisfied?  Can I ever be satisfied with what I have instead of always wanting more?  Can I ever be satisfied that I can't go back in time and relive my life?  Can I ever be genuinely happy for people who have 'more' than I do, without feeling jealous?  Will I ever, really, truly like who I am?  I am where I am.  I have what I have.  Nothing can change that right now!  And so I need to live in the now, with an eye to the future and bearing in mind learnings from the past.

I need to focus away from thinking about myself, continuously.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  I think about myself all. the. time!  How will this affect me?  How will people perceive me if I do that?  If I did 'this' or 'that' other people will think I am so cool.  Why am I so focused on what other people think of me?  And why is this focus about how 'cool' I am rather than how 'nice' I am?  Seriously, it is all about me, ALL ABOUT ME!  ALL THE TIME!  What is that about?

I guess it is all about insecurity.  The constant need for reassurance that I exist, that people like me, that I am 'better' than others (because who wants to be mediocre?  Seriously!).  Lets face it, life today is a popularity contest.  How many facebook friends.  How many 'views' of your youtube video.  How many photos you sell.  How many thank you's you get.  And you HAVE to compare them to everyone else, otherwise how else do you know how well you are doing?  Like, if there is another photog. in the same area I am in I 'freak out' that their shots will be better, or that they are sabotaging me by standing where I want to, or in my shots, or something.  Because it is ALL ABOUT ME you know.  And I am only truly confident in my photographic ability when there is no one else with a camera.  Seriously.  Insecure.

And so

It is time to stop!  Stop counting and comparing.  Stop wishing and whining.  Stop looking for instant gratification.  Stop doing things so other people think you are awesome.  Stop WORRYING about what other people think and say and do.

And now

It is the time to start!  Start being thankful for what I have.  Start focusing on what I want, and how I can get there.  Start living for God and for Gods approval only.

Lord, please forgive me of my many sins, the most prominent being selfishness.  Please help me to be a better, happier, selfless person.  Please guide me along the path You have designed for me.  Please help me bring glory to Your name.  Please help me to stay strong in moments of selfish weakness.  I know I am truly blessed to be living the life I have.  Please help me to count my blessings during my times of weakness.  Amen

So little time ...

I thought that I would do a quick catch up, sheesh I have been busy.

Spent 3 days back 'home' in Hawke's Bay visiting my parents, sister and assorted family members.  I also spent 2 days at the Hawke's Bay show.  Favourites from the show included dog trials and the cattle breeders.  I don't think that there are any dogs, anywhere else on Earth, that are as skilled and talented as NZ bred heading and huntaway dogs.  And no,  I'm not at all bias ... lol.

One of the best bred dogs in the world showing off their stuff.

It is a real shame that the A&P shows are no longer about the agricultural aspects of NZ, and more to do with sideshows, rides, and stall holders.  So there were very very few people showing cattle, and I could not even FIND any sheep.  *sigh*  Times, they are a-changin'.

This was one of my favourite cattle.  She was a 1 year old heifer, Murray Gray I think.  Absolutely gorgeous!

And then I returned back to Taranaki, and straight back into work, and when I am not working at work I am working on my website.

Last day of work tomorrow, followed by two days of photographing Targa Rally, then 1 day off followed by photographing Opunake Mini Show, and then back to work.

I'm tired.

I don't have very much else to say.

Hopefully I will get back on the blogging track soon.

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Blog challenge - Day 7 - Favourite Movies

So I have had a bit of a busy day today.  Driving to my sisters house for my mini holiday, and uploading a heap of pictures to my new website PauaVision Photography  The site still has a long way to go, and it has nowhere near the amount of horse photos it will have once the event season kicks off, but I am pretty happy with it.  I can't wait until I get some recents events up onto it.  And so, no real blog coming, but for day 7 of the blog challenge

My Favourite Movies

Fireproof is probably my current one.  It came on the SKY TV movie channel at exactly the right time in my life, and I loved it, and have now purchased it so I have it forever!

Sweet Home Alabama - not sure why, perhaps it is the accents and the lead actor (whatever his name is)

Star Wars (the original) - love it, love it, love it

And there are a ton more, but I just can't think of them right now.  No doubt I will sign off and go

DOH!

What about .....

Fall challenge 3: 'De-cluttering'

So the 3rd part of the Fall challenge (well Spring for me), is to ...

1. Pick an area of your home where clutter collects and put something there to contain it.


                           AND


2. Set a timer for 20 minutes, grab a trash bag and walk through your house throwing stuff away!

And so the embarrassing photo of the area where clutter collects in our house

To makes things worse, this is where I SHOULD be operating my home business from.  As you can see from the photo, I am operating my business from anywhere but here.  In fact, it took me a good five minutes to locate the camera with which to take this photo ... LOL!

There are plenty of containers already there, full to overflowing, 

'she's a big job!'  And I definitely have to do it.  And soon, as my busy season is about to begin.

Both this corner, and the 20 minute walk with a trash bag will have to wait a few days as I head 'home' to visit with family.  But then, no excuses!  Light that candle, Put on that music, Say a prayer (or three), and get to it!

Blog challenge Day 6 - fav. picture

Aside from the main blog photo of my favourite beach, Pourerere in Central Hawkes Bay ...

this would be my favourite picture of late.  My two nieces and nephew, covered in sand, posing hard-out.

I am so excited that I get to see them for the next few days from tomorrow ... CrAzY  KiDs

Blog Challenge, Day 5 - Siblings

SIBLINGS

I have only one, my big sister Nikki.  She is only two years older than me, and has three children.  We made each others lives unpleasant during the teenage years, but are really close now.  If we live with each other the relationship does not work so well, luckily it works really well when we live apart.

Nix showing T the fridge for her yoghurt on her first day of kindy.

 Nix with the newest (and final) addition to her family, C

 Nix and C

Nix and C at Opunake Beach

 Nix and the girls, G and T, at Opunake Beach

And Nix and C

As you can tell, Nix is a great Mum, and I do not appear to have any photos of her alone.  I should remedy that!

Day 4 blog challenge - Meet the Parents

Awwww, my parents.  Mum and Dad.  Pat and BJ.  Mr and Mrs Johansen.  The people from whom I desire the most approval, and then take a big risk of getting in trouble by posting their pictures on the internet, sorry Mum, but you do know how I love to push your buttons, ah!  (It's ok, I am pretty sure they don't read my blog, if you do Mum and Dad, Hey there.  The picture you see below is a couple who look remarkably like you.  How lucky was I to find such a similar looking couple to use for my blog.  See you in a few days!)

The quick facts.  They are 10 years apart in age (almost exactly, Dad is a December 22 birthday and Mum is a December 30 birthday, Christmas in the middle, niece on the 1st of Jan - fan-jolly-tastic present wise!)  This fact always intrigued me as a child (the age gap), and I figured I could date any male up to 10 years older than myself for a big chunk of my life ... lol

Mum had my sister at age 20, and me at age 22, so when she was my age I was 17 and almost moving out of home (and back again, and out again, and back again, and out again) and I haven't even started having kids yet .... we're working on it.

Dad is a farmer and the PERFECT man.  I love my Dad to bits (yes I am a Daddies girl).  Kind and fun, and all children seem to gravitate towards him.  Yep, I always wanted a man 'just like my Dad'.

My mother refuses to have her photo taken so I have to take them on the sly.  Dad isn't so keen on them either, but he puts up with it because he loves me.

Speaking of which we hardly ever (closer to never) tell each other that we love each other, it's just an unspoken known. 

They currently live 3.5 hours drive away, and I would see them close to once a month.  I don't like being so far away from family, but am fortunate I can get home so often.

So that was MY PARENTS!

I  LOVE  YOU  MUM  AND  DAD! (Shhhhh it's a secret)

Day 3 of challenge - First love

Ooooooh ... My first love.

*sigh*

I assume this question is my first love ASIDE from horses and dogs.  And it would have to be requited love I guess.  I mean who could remember all of those original unrequited ones (aside for David S who I adored from afar from age 11 until ... now most likely).  And all those famous people.  Singers, actors and sportsmen - Paul Young, Billy Idol,  Bo Duke, BJ McKay, John Kirwin, Danny Morrison, Carlos Spencer, Bruce Grant (who died on K2 about 6 months before I made it to his hometown of Queenstown to stalk meet him).

*sigh*

So my first REQUITED love story is not a great one.  His name was Kyle and he was a part of our 'group' when we were all 17 going on 18.  A group of around 6 or 7 girls and 3 boys.  Kyle had already dated one of the girls, then was going out with another one (my best friend I am ashamed to say), and then it was my turn.  Oh the teenage angst!  The weirdness.  The shame I felt for 'taking him' from her over-ridden by my LOVE for him.  The fact that I was just one of a stream from the same group.  And then, after me, he went out with ANOTHER girl from the group ... DOH!

The relationship lasted almost 18 months.  I ended it as I discovered there were other guys out there.  After I ended it I learned that he had cheated on me towards the end as he thought I was cheating on him.  I had a spaz out at THAT wee fact.  But it was mostly good.  I really can't remember a heck of a lot about it (20 years ago), just drinking and watching videos in our wee group.

These days I am still pretty much best friends with my old best friend.  I am still in contact with this man.  He is married to a wonderful lady and they have 2 children and live in Australia.  And I am still in occasional contact with the girl he moved onto after me ... lol

I am fairly pleased to say that out of all the relationships I have had, none have ever ended so badly that, after some adjustment time, I can not be friends with any of them.  And I think that that is pretty awesome!

Blog challenge - Day 2

The meaning behind my blog title.

When I was first looking at blogging I read quite a few blogs before I began, and everyone seemed to be so deep and meaningful and articulate.  You know, the kind of people that can look at a painting and interpret meanings and symbols behind it, whereas I could only see lines, or squiggles, or a landscape, or 'something a 2 year old could do' ... lol

Anyway,
       it came into my head that song or saying, 'Slow waters run deep', and since I figured I was the  
       opposite of the 'deep' people I went for the opposite saying,

 'Fast waters run shallow'

And at this point in time I do think that it is still quite accurate of me.  I actually kind of clicked on today that my mind runs so fast that I only ever skim the surface of everything.  I skim read books (please note that this technique DOES NOT WORK FOR THE BIBLE, which is probably why I haven't 'got it' yet ... lol), half listen to music, never really edit my photos to the best of my ability.  It's always quick.  It's never deep.

Perhaps my blog title is a reminder for me to 'Slow down and smell the roses' you know.  Switch off everything else that is a distraction (THAT WOULD BE YOU MR TELEVISION SET) and really concentrate on the task at hand.  And to live in the moment.  I am always so focused on what my plans are that I don't achieve anything, as I am always focused on the planning and not on what I am doing.

*SHEESH*

That was a bit of a long explanation. 

Day 1 of blog challenge

Introduction:-  I am 39 and 1 week old.  I live in New Zealand and was born in Central Hawke's Bay.  I grew up in Waikato, and have since lived in Wellington, Queenstown, Hawke's Bay, Christchurch, Auckland and am now in Taranaki, so I have pretty much covered most of New Zealand (it's a small country so not hard).  I do not have any children, but would desperately love some 1, 2, 8, I don't care.  I hope and pray that we will be blessed with children sooner rather than later.  I live with my partner TJL and we have 1 dog, 5 chickens, 170 odd cows, and 38 calves.

Recent picture:-  TJL and myself.

15 Interesting facts:-

1.  I was raised atheist and I have never been to church aside from a couple of weddings and a few funerals.  Since God found me I have not yet been brave enough to attend a church service, but I will!

2  Due to number 1 I never thought that I would be religious, never ever!  It is also why I live with my partner and we are not married.  God found me after the moving in fact, which is a bit confusing for me. I also have not told my parents or sister yet, not that I think they would care particularly (ie they won't disown me, they do care about me ... lol)

3.  I was super skinny as a child and could eat anything I wanted, so this overweight thing sux!  

4.  I am divorced from my 1st (and only) husband.

5.  I love animals more than I love people.

6.  I always dreamed of being married to a farmer and having the job of 'farmers wife' (hasn't happened yet, at least I have found my farmer though!)

7.  I prefer utes to cars, and I prefer stick-shifts to automatics

8.  I love to tramp/hike and LOVE the fact NZ does not have any dangerous wildlife (aside from Magpies in their mating season).  

9.  I don't drink alcohol.  I have done in the past, but have not had any for maybe 10 years (aside from 1 blowout when I left my husband and Auckland).

10.  I am a country girl and will never life in a city/town again, if I can help it.

11. So far I have only travelled to Australia (Gold Coast), Bali and Fiji.  Bali was my favourite.

12.  3 year olds are at my favourite age.  They totally crack me up, and love to stick out their tongues for pictures before giving you the best ever genuine laugh.

13.  I have always thought I was ugly, multiply that by 100 now I am also overweight

14.  I love junk food and I am a bit of a TV addict, even though I don't want to love either.

15.  I have a tatto of Thomas Vanderham on my ankle

30 Day Blog Challenge

I found this 30 Day Blog Challenge over with Bobbi at The Johnsons Journey Blog and I thought that it would be a fun, and perhaps therapeutic exercise, for a month.  Lets see how I go.

30-DAY BLOG CHALLENGE!!

Day 1 - Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts 

Day 2 - Meaning behind your blog name 

Day 3 - Your first love 

Day 4 - Your parents 

Day 5 - Your siblings 

Day 6 - A picture of something that makes you happy 

Day 7 - Favorite movies 

Day 8 - A place you've traveled to 

Day 9 - A picture of your friends 

Day 10 - Something you're afraid of 

Day 11 - Favorite tv shows 

Day 12 - What you believe 

Day 13 - Goals 

Day 14 - A picture you love 

Day 15 - Bible verse 

Day 16 - Dream house 

Day 17 - Something you're looking forward to 

Day 18 - Something you regret 

Day 19 - Something you miss 

Day 20 - Nicknames 

Day 21 - Picture of yourself 

Day 22 - Favorite city 

Day 23 - Favorite vacation 

Day 24 - Something you've learned 

Day 25 - Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs 

Day 26 - Picture of your family 

Day 27 - Pets 

Day 28 - Something that stresses you out 

Day 29 - 3 Wishes 

Day 30 - A picture

(As much as I can be) Wordless Wednesday

Because I did not get up to much

 Ahhhhh Flowers, even though I had to buy them myself

 Wind assisted tree fence strainer ... how do you do it?

Wind assisted tree fence strainer in its entirety

 Good ol' Mt Taranaki in the distance, gorgeous NZ farmland in the foreground.

 Stella Dog - oh how beautiful you are

 Buttercup - do I love butter?  Why yes I do!

 Stella Dog on her way to me after a successful 'Stay!'

Keeping the peace ... how hard can it be?

Today dawned beautiful and sun-shiney.  Okay, so the wind-chill factor is still pretty low, but the day has been pretty glorious so far.  Mt Taranaki looked awesome this morning.  He was cloaked in cloud over his lower slopes, and had a wee mushroom cap over his summit.

 Our herd with Mt Taranaki in the background.

And how do I know Mt Taranaki is a 'him'?  According to Maori legend, Taranaki used to live with Tongariro, Ruapehu, and Ngauruhoe. This changed forever when Taranaki fell in love with Pihanga (a pretty hill on the shores of Lake Taupo) – who just happened to be the wife of Tongariro. Tongariro exploded in a fiery rage, spitting fire, lava and burning ash, and making the earth shake as he fought with Taranaki. Broken hearted and banished Taranaki headed toward the coast, his tears creating the Wanganui River as he moved Westward to his current resting place.

Tongariro, Ruapehu and Ngauruhoe are all mountains in the central plateau of the North Island of New Zealand.

 This is Destiny, my favourite cow.  I rescued her as a calf as I thought she was a fighter.  I definitely can not rescue them all (being in the industry we are in), but I am glad that I saved her.  She is currently shedding her Winter coat so looks a little 'rough'.

Stella Dog, she is such a laugh.  She is so naughty!  Jumps up on you, and her nails HURT!

So TJL and I went into town today.  We went to Maracabo (sp?) for lunch where I had a de.lic.ious corn stack, YUM!  TJL had a BLT, so I got to eat some of his fries.  We also shared some chocolate fudge slice.  It was HUGE so very lucky that we shared.  I then popped into paper plus to buy some file cards (wow!  How exciting), and then I went to The Warehouse, where I planned to buy a cd player, amongst other things.  Here is where my 'keeping the peace' turned HARD.  So I did my shopping.  Found my cd player, grabbed a couple of DVD's, CD's, pots for my birthday plant, potting mix, socks, underwear, and a wee plant when TJL caught up with me (he ran some errands in town).  I was told, in no uncertain terms that we DID NOT need the CD player, and I went into instant 'grump, sulk, frown' mode.  The CD player, DVD's and CD's went back their shelves and I purchased the rest of my goods.  'Grump, sulk, frown'.  I WAS NOT HAPPY!  As I told him I didn't tell him off for purchasing a $100 wii game, and I never tell him off for purchasing parts for his mini-spring car, so how come I was not allowed to buy what I wanted.  'Less grump, less sulk, less frown'.  He said that his stereo did work, if you put all 5 cd's in, so I told him it had better or he was in BIG trouble (mood considerably lighter by this time and I was joking).

So we get home, I put 5 cd's into his stereo and NO GO BABY.  TJL could not work it out at all, figures it has just died, really?  You don't say?

And so I think I get to go back and buy my CD player now ... lol   Plus I got a big apologetic kiss from TJL.  On the bonus side (aside from the kiss), I really didn't need the DVD's, and I can get the CD's from i-tunes at a cheaper price, so he has saved me money.  

Despite being upset and angry I did try to submit (the old me would NEVER have returned the CD player and discs, especially if I had been TOLD to), and I did manage to keep my mouth in check more than before, so 

Keeping the peace ... how hard can it be?

Very hard, and an on-going battle, but one worth fighting and it will get better.

And, as an aside, I said a prayer to God this morning to help me with my willpower to get rid of this weight and get back to health and fitness, and whadda you know, I went to get my last two mini chocolates as a snack and TJL has been there before me and they were gone.  I had to laugh, God has obviously decided that while he helps me with my willpower he will also help by removing temptations from my grasp ... lol

Praise Be!

Making your home sing

So the challenge this week from Courtney at Women Living Well is to make your home sing.  To play soft music in your home everyday and to focus on using peaceful words and maintaining peaceful relationships.

This is definitely a challenge that I will find a challenge, and so one that I need to partake of.  I am definitely quite a reactive person, and I really need to slow my thinking down, and thus my reactions to situations down, so I stop 'blowing up' at every little thing.  Patience, and thus Peace, is something I have been working on lately, and I believe that I am beginning to see some progress ... YAY!  I believe that this challenge will help me to proceed further along this path.

 I had a quick look in my CD collection and found these three - Moments of Stillness, Meditation - music for relaxation and dreaming, and Tschaikowsky.  My only problem is that our CD player in the house appears to be broken, so I am not too sure what to do.  I think I might pop into town and buy a cheap portable stereo, which is something that we need anyway, especially when I am outside in the garden!  In my ute I have an inspirational CD 'The Blessing' by John Waller.  I discovered him from the movie Fireproof as I really loved the song While I'm Waiting.

Of course my lighting my candles and saying my prayers for a peaceful home and heart will continue.

Praise be to God!

Just another manic Monday

So last night and this morning we had herd testing.  What this involves is adding a bit of 'pipeworks' to the existing milking machines so that a percentage of milk siphons off from each cow into a cup, which we number and then it gets tested so we know how much milk each cow is producing, plus the components of their milk ie % of protein, % of fat etc.  

 The herd we tested, there is approx 170 cows in there

I was up by 5.30am this morning, awake at 4.45 but dozed until 5.30, and discovered Winter hit us with a wee reminder that although Spring is here, Winter is still hanging around a bit.  It has been raining, windy, very cold, and threw in the odd hail storm for good measure.  While I was waiting for TJL down at the shed the cows came in, and were shivering it was so cold.  I said a wee prayer that all of our animals would be safe and warm and that the day would get better.  10 minutes later I look up and TJL was bringing the 'babies' to the hay shed/calf shed so I was amazed how quickly God responded to my call.  Praise be to God!

 The 'babies' all snug and warm in the calf shed, with yummy, yummy hay to eat.

Due to the weather I spent most of the day on the couch watching the ol' goggle box.  TJL went back out after breakfast (pancakes no less) to feed the cows hay and silage.  When he got back he was in a FOUL mood, turns out his tractor broke down.  Luckily we have a good boss who gets on great with the neighbours so low and behold a large blue tractor was borrowed and our little orange tractor received a wee tow.

 The boss on the neighbours blue tractor towing TJL and the silage wagon.

Hopefully it is a very temporary measure as the tractor mechanic has been out already.

The boss and TJL checking out the battery

Stella saying 'Hey Dad.  Cool tractor.  Can we keep it?'  Neighbours are so generous in allowing us to borrow their tractor until little orange tractor is ready to go.

And I did manage to go for one walk with Stella today.  I am so pleased that we had fine weather on my last days off when my sister and kidlets were visiting rather than this cold, awful Winter re-visit.  Unfortunately this weather means that I am more inclined to sit on the couch, eating all manner of chocolate and junk rather than being this girl

 from years ago.  I sure hope I can get back to being this girl this summer as she is currently hiding under  20kg of PODGE!  Actually methinks I should put this picture, and others similar, around the house to inspire me!

So that was my Manic Monday, Praise God

Candles

Lord, please bless our home and hearts with peace, Amen

It's my birthday

Sorry, long winded self realisation post ... lol

Today is my 39th birthday, and DID I WAKE UP GRUMPY, well YES I DID.  I have been in such a shocking frame of mind lately, woe is me, poor me, my life sucks, TJL doesn't treat me like he should, I'm so FAT but I LOVE food and 'hate' exercise, and on, and on, and on I whine.  No wonder TJL doesn't want to converse with me, its always all about me, and its always BAD.  There are no laughs.  There is no happy, positive conversation.  There is no talking without some form of attitude - sullen, sulky, pathetic.  And its ALL TJL's fault, isn't it?

WHAT  HAVE  I  BEEN  THINKING?

And so today I woke up grumpy and down and decided to jump straight onto the internet to read some blogs and email, and what do you know, God decided to smack me on the head big time.  One of the first emails I read was a post from Gather Inspirit about PUTTING GOD FIRST!  Finally it clicked.  I have spent my entire life putting myself first, MY ENTIRE LIFE!  I do remember my father telling me, quite frequently I might add, that it is not always about number 1, there were other people to think about too.  But for me it just never has been.  Oh sure I have donated, and gifted, and been kind, but I am ashamed to admit that more often than not it was about ME, hey look at ME, look how kind and giving and generous I am.  And I was born this way, I swear.  My father has many times told the story of when I was a baby waking up from naps, there was never a stirring, never a gurgle, never a 'warning sign' it was just a full on scream of MEEEEEEEEEEEE!  He sat and watched me once and he said my mouth opened before my eyes and launched into a full on scream.  Does this excuse my current behaviour - absolutely NOT, but is it a part of my nature, I believe so.

And now, today, putting God first for me means that I have to think how my behaviour is a reflection of him.  Does my behaviour inspire other people to turn towards Christianity or does it turn them from it?  Does my behaviour inspire TJL towards Christianity and Jesus or turn him from them?  If I am embarking on this road of religious discovery then I need to fully immerse myself.   I need to stop and think, 'How is my current reaction to this situation reflecting on God?' 'Is my reaction peaceful and loving or is it a negative reaction stemming from the fact I am not getting what I want?'  It will no longer be about my wants and my needs, but Putting God First!  Will this be a struggle and a battle for me?  Most definitely, but I shall pray each day that God gives me the strength and wisdom to put him first.

Other blogs that helped me out today were this post from With him all the way and this post from Come have a peace, and on THAT note, a bit about my birthday.

TJL and I went to a cafe in New Plymouth called Chaos.  The have the best Caramel Crackle Slice ever, and I am VERY relieved that they had a piece for me today.

The sign, I was too shy to take a photo of the actual Cafe (how weird is that!)

 TJL waiting for our lunch to come.  He had a burrito and I had a pumpkin, feta and something else tower - mmmmmmmmmm.  Not to forget the Phoenix Ginger Beer (for him) the Phoenix Cola (for me) and the TWO pieces of Caramel Crackle Slice - should have taken a piccie of the food.

My birthday pressie from TJL.  Each time I remember I am wearing it I will remember that God is First.

We then went to Govett Brewster Art Gallery, which had a fairly good exhibition on, I quite enjoyed it, and I don't think TJL minded it too much.  We then came homeward bound and TJL's Mum, Dad and niece Grace popped in for a cuppa before TJL had to go down to milk.  When TJL's Mum phoned initially saying that they wanted to pop in my instant reaction was I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE, but I managed to calm myself down, put God first, and be thankful that TJL's family WANT to come and celebrate my birthday with me.

Other gifts today included a plant with gorgeous wee flowers (don't know what it is called), two gift cards, and a lotto (up to $24 Million) ticket.  I have promised God that if I win said lotto I will definitely be making some HUGE donations :-)

The end ... lol

Two weeks until launch

Had a great meeting with my web designer today.  I'm hoping that the site will be good to go in around 2 weeks - ooooh hooooooo - so excited.  I now have the delightful job of trying to do a self portrait, or 4, for the 'about me' header.  I need to make them a bit kooky, or a lot kooky preferably, as I am certainly not one of those fortunate photogenic people (doesn't help that I am 20kg overweight, but thats a post rehash for another day!).  Oh well, never mind, thats why I am BEHIND the camera 99.9% of the time.

So I have a couple of ideas for my portrait.  For some of my ideas I will need someone to take the pic for me, as it involves being on one of my horses, and a self portrait set up in that situation just ain't gonna work.  Other ones will involve setting up the camera on my tripod and shooting away, 2 to 4 different shots in the one location, bit of cut and paste, and wah la, multiple kooky.  I have to admit that this last idea is actually from the web designer extraordinaire himself - credits due 'n all that.  Mind you, the crazy guy saw some of my photos today and thought that this one

was exactly the same as one that he had taken.  He soon discovered, once he located it on HIS laptop that it was MY image ... DOH!  I don't know if I should be worried that my web designer can not remember the shots he takes, and then begins to claim mine as his ... lol

And that's it.  My candles are lit, my prayer 'Dear Lord, please bless our home and hearts with peace, Amen' has been said many times, and I am about to watch a TV programme 'Robber of the Cruel Streets' about God lead George Muller who dedicated his life to rescuing orphans.

GOD  IS  GOOD,  LIFE  IS  GOOD

Why an outside dog is better than 3 inside children

Have I had a fun filled 4 to 5 days!  And exhausting!  Man, just let me tell you, like you could stop me ... lol.

My fun filled days began with a bus trip to World of Wearable Art, which has to be one of the best 'shows' I have ever been to.  Sure, some of the music was a bit, shall we just say, not to my tastes (sorry Co-ca-cobana (sp?) is really not my thing, although the lady in front of me totally grooved out to it).  But the wearable art, far out man!

This image below was probably my favourite, although I really could not pick just one (ok so I just did, but you know what I mean).  There were some  FANTASTIC ones that work under a black light, and some really hilarious ones, but for some reason the one below just tickled my fancy.  Unfortunately cameras were NOT allowed *sulk* but luckily I could borrow these ones from the WOW site.

The Ring Mistress

And this one below won supreme overall in 2009, its made of WOOD, and totally WOW!

Lady of the Wood

I am hoping to get a few girlfriends together for a trip to WOW again next year.  This year I went with some work colleagues, but (no offense to them) I think I would have a lot more laughs with my girlfriends.  I find the ladies I work with a bit, hmmmm, sombre and serious.  I would have been keen to head into town afterwards and check out the night sights of Wellington, but instead we headed back to the motel and went to bed.  So, I got up at 6.15am the next morning, to head out and take in a bit of the city, before boarding the bus and heading back to Taranaki.  Now I am not a city girl, but one city I do love is Wellington, and I could have happily spent another couple of days just wandering around, taking in the sights.

Wellington from Oriental Parade, population 195,000 odd

I got home around 5pm, and was happy to discover that my sister and her brood had arrived safely.  G had already gone down to the cowshed to help TJL milk, and everyone else had made themselves at home (as well they should).

Day one of the visit we headed out to Opunake Beach, and it was a GORGEOUS summery (even though it is only spring) day.

At the beach there was a playground.

First night paintings (the ones we were allowed to keep)

 By G - aged 6

 By T - aged 3

The second day we went to Pioneer Village which is made up of very old local Taranaki Buildings.  I failed to take very many photos - not too sure why.  Probably because the girls kept running ahead, so I have NONE of the outside of the buildings.  But I did get a couple of shots of the girls in a couple of places.  I was amazed how big the 'village' was.  Might go back another day and have an adult look around ... lol

 T and G in the old Mangatoki Church

G and T in an old fire truck

Today they all left for home.  And so why is an outside dog better than 3 inside children?  Aside from their beautiful paintings they also left me with a floor covered in all manner of flotsum and jetsum, hand prints all over the TV, windows, and coffee table, paint on the dining table (table is old and it washed off so all okey dokey), three loads of washing (extra towels and sheets), and finally the fact that we have had a dishwasher full of dishes EVERY DAY that they were here (the two of us are lucky if we fill it up more than once a week!), plus the dog NEVER complains about what is for dinner (she might give us 'the look', but never says 'I HATE THAT!)'

I AM GOING TO MISS THOSE LITTLE MUNCHKINS!