Two weeks until launch

Had a great meeting with my web designer today.  I'm hoping that the site will be good to go in around 2 weeks - ooooh hooooooo - so excited.  I now have the delightful job of trying to do a self portrait, or 4, for the 'about me' header.  I need to make them a bit kooky, or a lot kooky preferably, as I am certainly not one of those fortunate photogenic people (doesn't help that I am 20kg overweight, but thats a post rehash for another day!).  Oh well, never mind, thats why I am BEHIND the camera 99.9% of the time.

So I have a couple of ideas for my portrait.  For some of my ideas I will need someone to take the pic for me, as it involves being on one of my horses, and a self portrait set up in that situation just ain't gonna work.  Other ones will involve setting up the camera on my tripod and shooting away, 2 to 4 different shots in the one location, bit of cut and paste, and wah la, multiple kooky.  I have to admit that this last idea is actually from the web designer extraordinaire himself - credits due 'n all that.  Mind you, the crazy guy saw some of my photos today and thought that this one

was exactly the same as one that he had taken.  He soon discovered, once he located it on HIS laptop that it was MY image ... DOH!  I don't know if I should be worried that my web designer can not remember the shots he takes, and then begins to claim mine as his ... lol

And that's it.  My candles are lit, my prayer 'Dear Lord, please bless our home and hearts with peace, Amen' has been said many times, and I am about to watch a TV programme 'Robber of the Cruel Streets' about God lead George Muller who dedicated his life to rescuing orphans.

GOD  IS  GOOD,  LIFE  IS  GOOD

Why an outside dog is better than 3 inside children

Have I had a fun filled 4 to 5 days!  And exhausting!  Man, just let me tell you, like you could stop me ... lol.

My fun filled days began with a bus trip to World of Wearable Art, which has to be one of the best 'shows' I have ever been to.  Sure, some of the music was a bit, shall we just say, not to my tastes (sorry Co-ca-cobana (sp?) is really not my thing, although the lady in front of me totally grooved out to it).  But the wearable art, far out man!

This image below was probably my favourite, although I really could not pick just one (ok so I just did, but you know what I mean).  There were some  FANTASTIC ones that work under a black light, and some really hilarious ones, but for some reason the one below just tickled my fancy.  Unfortunately cameras were NOT allowed *sulk* but luckily I could borrow these ones from the WOW site.

The Ring Mistress

And this one below won supreme overall in 2009, its made of WOOD, and totally WOW!

Lady of the Wood

I am hoping to get a few girlfriends together for a trip to WOW again next year.  This year I went with some work colleagues, but (no offense to them) I think I would have a lot more laughs with my girlfriends.  I find the ladies I work with a bit, hmmmm, sombre and serious.  I would have been keen to head into town afterwards and check out the night sights of Wellington, but instead we headed back to the motel and went to bed.  So, I got up at 6.15am the next morning, to head out and take in a bit of the city, before boarding the bus and heading back to Taranaki.  Now I am not a city girl, but one city I do love is Wellington, and I could have happily spent another couple of days just wandering around, taking in the sights.

Wellington from Oriental Parade, population 195,000 odd

I got home around 5pm, and was happy to discover that my sister and her brood had arrived safely.  G had already gone down to the cowshed to help TJL milk, and everyone else had made themselves at home (as well they should).

Day one of the visit we headed out to Opunake Beach, and it was a GORGEOUS summery (even though it is only spring) day.

At the beach there was a playground.

First night paintings (the ones we were allowed to keep)

 By G - aged 6

 By T - aged 3

The second day we went to Pioneer Village which is made up of very old local Taranaki Buildings.  I failed to take very many photos - not too sure why.  Probably because the girls kept running ahead, so I have NONE of the outside of the buildings.  But I did get a couple of shots of the girls in a couple of places.  I was amazed how big the 'village' was.  Might go back another day and have an adult look around ... lol

 T and G in the old Mangatoki Church

G and T in an old fire truck

Today they all left for home.  And so why is an outside dog better than 3 inside children?  Aside from their beautiful paintings they also left me with a floor covered in all manner of flotsum and jetsum, hand prints all over the TV, windows, and coffee table, paint on the dining table (table is old and it washed off so all okey dokey), three loads of washing (extra towels and sheets), and finally the fact that we have had a dishwasher full of dishes EVERY DAY that they were here (the two of us are lucky if we fill it up more than once a week!), plus the dog NEVER complains about what is for dinner (she might give us 'the look', but never says 'I HATE THAT!)'

I AM GOING TO MISS THOSE LITTLE MUNCHKINS!

Back to blonde

I went to the hairdressers today and, 2.5 hours later, I am back to blonde.  I did try to take a photo of myself but, EWWW, I just could not get a good one.  Maybe if I had a different shirt, and some makeup, and TJL took it instead me attempting a self portrait I might get a passable photo, so maybe I will one day, just not today.  And I'm not blonde blonde, just quite a bit lighter than what I was.

So I made a start on making your home a haven  today.  I found this wooden sign in a little shop in our little village.  Its quite a neat wee shop, with a mix of secondhand and new clothes, and some gifts as well.

I plan to have it on my bedside table, so I see it every morning when I get up, and every night when I go to sleep.  It is one of those things that I need to remember to focus on.  Really, if you weighed my life all up it is probably a lot better than GOOD, it is in reality, pretty FANTASTIC!

And I also got this candle.  It's not very big, but it was all they had and, realistically, size does not matter.  I plan to have it on the, hmmmm, don't know what to call it.  It's not really a breakfast bar, but it is far too big to be a servery hatch window thing.  Its a large wall opening that goes from the kitchen to the lounge.  Anyway, the benefit of having it here is that I can see it from both rooms, and I plan to say a wee prayer each time I see it, regardless of whether it is lit or not.  Another benefit of placing it there is that I will have to tidy all of the rubbish off of the bench space, so my candle has pride of place.

Bring on the Fall (Spring) Challenge!

Making your home a haven

Courtney at Women Living Well has initiated this Fall challenge - ok, so for me it is a spring challenge.  Regardless of the season this is a challenge I know I need to complete.  So go on, pop on over to Courtney's blog, and sign on up, and lets start  on making our homes the haven we deserve and desire.

Lake Rorokare

I have lived where I live for 2 complete years, and I am just beginning my third.  A 5 minute drive away is Lake Rotokare, of which I have been to twice, where I have kayaked.  I finally got off my behind today and walked around it.  The walk is only 1.5 hours, and one would think that I had gotten around to it well before today, but better late than never!  I enjoyed it so much that I think I might make it a weekly occurance (if I can).  Only problem is, it is a wild life sanctuary (for birds) so Stella, the dog, is not allowed.  Unfortunately this is the norm. in NZ due to the fact most of our native birds either do not fly, or are not very good at it, oh well!  I am sure I will find a dog friendly place one day, until then she will just have to be happy with the 150 acre farm we live on.

My layman interpretation of Rotokare is Roto = lake, Kare = ripple, so I am going to go with Lake of ripples, which it actually wasn't today, it was pretty glassy.

 Lake Rotokare - currently closed for 'conservation' but come 1st December you can kayak and waterski on it (In my opinion its not really big enough for waterskiing, good lake for learning I guess, I don't really know, I only went waterskiing once, about 2 decades ago).  It is spring in NZ, so breeding season for the birds.  Only took my small lens so didn't get any bird shots - note to self, take longer lens (and patience) next time!

 Little way up the track is this seat (there are a few all the way along the track).  This one is not too far along a very easy walking track, so it would be good for not so able people to get to.  You can have a lovely sit, with a lovely view.

 Leaves.  Obviously the food of choice for some insects.

Another view of the lake.  It is a Y shape, so this is one of the arms. 

 Fern leaf -being a Kiwi I have a strong attachment to the fern leaf shape (it is the emblem on our sporting jerseys).

 Kahikatea or White Pine.  A majestic tree.

 Boardwalk over mud.  I love taking photos of the tracks I am on as I love the uncertainty and 'excitement' of what is ahead.  Funny how in my life I am constantly looking behind at regrets rather than ahead with excitement, like I do when tramping/hiking.  Perhaps in the future I should remember how I am when I tramp, and apply that to my everyday life.

 Another section of track.

 Traps.  Most likely for rats and stoats.  This whole reserve is predator fenced to stop rats, cats, stoats and dogs entering, to protect the wild birdlife.  Even to get into the reserve you have to press a button to open one gate, drive in, wait until the gate closes and press a button to open another gate.  It is a really wonderful conservation project, and the birdsong, FANTASTIC!

Hmmmm, the only bird I got a shot of, the pesky Magpie!  Very territorial and protective of nests at this time of year.  Magpies scare the cr*p out of me - I have a cycle helmet with claw marks in it from a previous encounter with a magpie when I was out cycling one year.  They are not afraid of much when it comes to protecting their babies.

So that is what is just down the road from me (lucky ah!). 

Heres hoping you enjoyed a little bit of NZ conservation information :-)

Fortune cookie on Facebook

My fortune cookie on Facebook said today - Accept something you can not change and you will feel better.

And with that in mind, on with my post ...

I have had a 'depressed' couple of days.  Arghhhh.  I guess it is brought on by getting my period, but I take it out on, and blame it on TJL, when I know I shouldn’t (and I am sure that I have told him that it is not him, although I have blamed him for not caring etc).  I am feeling a lot better now, but I thought that I should write down what I planned to write this morning, but I will change it from what I HATE about myself and my life to what I dislike :-)

What I dislike about myself and my life (in no particular order)

1. My appearance, fitness and weight
2.   My laziness at home
3.   My focusing on the ‘bad’ in my life and my failure to count my blessings
4.   The fact I am to chicken to go to church, and to tell my family that God has finally found me, or I have found God, or we have found each other ... lol
5.   I don’t have fun, laugh, or enjoy my life which makes me feel I am ruining TJLS life
6.   I read about other peoples lives (via blogs and facebook) rather than living my own life
7.   I don’t control my spending
8.   I don’t control my eating
9.   I don’t ‘like’ what a lot of people at work talk about (ie being nasty about other people), and I don’t like how I behave when I am around them
10.   I watch way too much TV
11.   I don’t spend enough time with Stella or TJL
12.   The garden is a weed fest
13.   The house is a mess fest
14.   I don’t want to go out in Taranaki with anyone other than TJL, I have not made an effort to get to know his friends.

SO my plans for the next week starting tomorrow

1. When on days off walk Stella at least twice a day, and on days on walk Stella once a day 
2.   Each day do ONE house task.  This week I will

         Monday - vacuum floors

         Tuesday - wash floors

         Wednesday - dust bedroom

         Thursday - dust living rooms

        Friday - washing (1 load before going to WOW)

        Saturday - washing (1 load after WOW)

        Sunday - day off, visiting with sisters family who is coming to sta

     3.  Write down 5 blessings at the end of each day

    4.  Consume only 1 600mL soda a week

    5.  Spend 30 minutes a day REALLY listening to and concentrating on what TJL has to say (ie not while on the computer, or watching tv, or being uninterested)

And I think that MIGHT just be enough for my first week.  Once I have these actions established in my weekly living as habits I will begin to expand on them.

Unwanted visitor

So, I'm not pregnant THIS month.  Yes, got the dreaded 'Aunt Flo' visitor yesterday.  I kind of expected her, hoped that she wouldn't come but, well, yes she has - with her usual vengence I might add (bah, the older I get the heavier she gets - TMI?  Sorry).  So TJL is 'saving his strength' for another 'attempt' in the upcoming week(s) when we try, yet again.  I do have two appreciations for her visit:-

1.  It means that my trip to Wellington, with some girls from work next week, will be trouble and worry free
2.  It means that I am still young enough (I trust) to eventually conceive

And thus we resume the 'effort', and then the wait and hope, for yet another month.  At least come November 5th (Guy Fawkes no less) I do have an appointment with a gynecologist, so we might begin to make some inroads to our problem, whatever that may be.

When we first began this journey I read that the average time it takes to conceive was 1 year (which I thought was a ridiculously long time), and longer for people over 30 (yep, thats definitely me - lets try for 39 in less than 2 weeks), and now its been close, very close, to two years, and still no joy.  Is it weird that I can no longer even picture myself pregnant?  That kind of scares me, as though its a sign that it will never happen.  I think I need to go somewhere quiet (like the bathtub) and just get away from the world for a while, and imagine.  Imagine being pregnant, imagine a life with children, just to relax and just be still.

*sigh*

And my nose is blocked.

*GRUMP*

I'm off to have a bath!

How long do you wait for someone to show up?

I had a meeting with my web designer today, scheduled for 2pm in town (which I assumed was the cafe that we usually met at).  I am very good at arriving early, so I was there at 1.50pm.  By 2.20pm there was no sign of J.  At this point I sent him a text message, to ascertain whether he was running late, or had forgotten, and I STILL haven't heard back from him *sigh*.  I only waited around until 2.25pm, but considering I had a 70km trip into town, soley for this meeting, I was a little, ummm, upset would be the correct word.  Not necessarily because I had made the trip in especially for our meeting, I was upset more because I had been forgotten.  Not a nice feeling at ALL!  Leaves me feeling unimportant, and insignificant.  Now I KNOW that this was not his intention AT ALL, but that is all it takes to knock my confidence in myself.  I am not a hugely people person, mostly because I think I 'bore' them, or have nothing in common with anyone, and when I get forgotten it just reinforces this thinking - I so need to GET A GRIP!

Anyway, since I was in town, I decided to continue my drive from Saturday, and I headed around the coast to the lighthouse, to take some photos.  I have not finished editing them by any means, and have not selected my favourites as yet, but I think a few of my shots today might make it onto my website (none of which follow here, as I haven't copyrighted them yet either :-)

The lighthouse.  How do you know it's a lighthouse in Taranaki?  There is a cow in front of it!

Dead starfish I found very high up on the rocks.  Not to sure whether is got washed up there in stormy seas, or whether some 'uneducated' person pulled it up out of a rock pool and let the poor thing die.  I have bought it home with me, don't know what I plan to do with it, dead animals are not really my kind of decoration.  I did think it would be of some educational benefit for the nieces and nephew.

Falling down, rotting house.  Not too far from the 'beach'  (beach is rocks, not sand).  I told TJL it could be our new beach house (not that we have an old one).  He didn't think it was 'suitable'.  Apparently one goes to the 'beach' to relax, NOT do up a house *sigh*.  Think longterm dude!

This is a tiny stream that leads to the sea.  It was quite delightful.

Random ramblings

The weather has been extremely mixed today.  Hence it was another day that I spent inside, just mucking around and wasting time.  TJL and I did plan to go to the supermarket to get groceries, but that got sidelined, due to apathy and we just could not be bothered (I guess thats what apathy means!).  This means that we have NO bread, NO cheese, not much of anything really.

Has it been raining much around here lately?  Ummmm - YEP!

I have been a very bad girlfriend (I so don't know what to call myself, girlfriend, partner, wannabe wife?) lately.  TJL has to go out EVERYDAY, morning and night, to milk the cows.  And me, well, I have been very naughty and staying inside when I should be out there helping.  OKAY, so the weather has been VERY bad, and I do work full time outside of the home, but I do still need to pull finger and give him a hand.  ARGHHHHH at ME!

Is Stella an outside dog?  Ummm yep, uh-huh, yip

So I failed to head out again today, either morning OR afternoon.  Seriously, the weather is TERRIBLE!  So to quell half of the GUILT thing I baked some gingerbread (in a round tin because I didn't have a square or rectangle one - doh!), and afghan biscuits for TJL, and lets be honest here, for me too, thus only quells HALF the guilt.  ACK .... just add more guilt, where has my healthy eating gone??  And now, in the oven, is homemade Shepherds Pie - mmmmm left over Central Hawkes Bay Lamb roast all chopped up,  mixed with canned tomato and left over gravy, onion, salt, pepper, and herbs all topped off with mashed potato and kumera (sweet potato).  I hope its going to be a good one (sometimes the product is NOT as good as it sounds).  EDIT - it was de.lic.ous!  We had 2 helpings each.

What can I say ... more mud

Due to the mud TJL has decided that the cows have to wait for him after milking.  If they don't wait, by the time the last cows get to the paddock, the first cows have trashed it, and the last ones don't get any grass.  I should have videoed them soley so you can hear what the COWS have to say about having to wait ... MOOOOOOOOO!  And thats a very angry moo!

The girls, impatiently waiting for TJL to finish milking so they can go and get fresh grass.

C'mon Summer!  Problem with that is we will probably have a drought!  Farmers are NEVER happy ... lol

Stormy weather

Lil' old NZ is currently covered by a huge storm. I do so love a good storm. The only problem with this one is that Canterbury is still recovering from the earthquakes, and here in Taranaki, it has not stopped raining for, what feels like, MONTHS. So we would have preferred a Sun Storm (does such a thing exist?) But, oh, I do so love a good storm.

Breakers at the port. Would be a good shot if not so blurry. I have camera shake at the best of times, but the wind was really buffeting me around (far to windy for tripod, would have just blown it over)

Being the super intelligent human being that I am, I decided to head out to the coast to check out the sea. Forecasts had the swells at around 7 metres (and reports recommended that we DIDN'T go to the beach - yes I am one of THOSE people), but they weren't that big. The sea was pretty choppy and rough though, and the wind was HOWLING! (As evidenced by the video below).

The video is pretty ugly, I did it on my little point n shoot, and I was getting SOAKED. But you can hear the wind noise pretty clearly, it was LOUD. And the rain STUNG my face, like needles. And did I mention that I got SOAKED. Biggest problem was I was only half way through my coastal drive, but I had to get home because I was SOAKED.

And then, at some times, the sun came out, but I was still being blown around.

Ahhhhh, west coast black sand shores.

Hopefully I can head out again tomorrow, or Monday, and finish the coastal drive. With any luck the storm might have subsided, and I can just get some landscape and 'art' shots.

I travelled down one road to the sea (just prior to getting soaked), and there would have been about 5 of these old chimneys standing proudly in the paddocks there. I plan to go back on a less windy day, set up the tripod, and pray for blue skies. I have a passion for anything that has been neglected.

How to make your sister cry

Video of my nieces and nephew

I was playing around on iTunes and decided to make another video (this is related because I like to put my still shots to music), this time using images of my sisters children. This is my second and final version. Pleased to say it made my sister cry - in a good way, I hope!

Hardest part was finding suitable music, so big ups to TJL who suggested Miley Cyrus, pre her 'metamorphosis' into 'adulthood' (I still haven't figured out why this has to be via sexing up - bah humbug!)

Hot lunch date

TJL and I - self portrait

TJL and I headed into the big smoke of New Plymouth today. Just took the little point n shoot, incase there was anything to photograph. We had lunch at a cute wee cafe called Chaos. I had a corn and zuchinni stack - Mm Mm Mmmmmmm. TJL had chicken pie. We both had a slice of Caramel Crunch - De.Lic.Ous - couldn't have too much though as it was very, very sweet.

TJL checking out the DIRTY surf - we have had a TONNE of rain

The dirty surf, with a view up the coast

Under the bridge downtown

Then home again, home again, jiggity jig. I have made some more chocolate cows and sheep (I am making a chocolate tic-tac-toe board for a work social club fundraiser), the sausage casserole is all ready for the oven for dinner, and life is GOOD!

Why do I want children?

I feel the need to write this as, at the age of 38 and 11/12ths (ie 39 next month), my chances of actually HAVING any children feels like its getting to be more and more remote. Sure, EVERYONE has a story about a woman they know, who had their first child when they were OLDER than me, but still, sometimes, I really begin to wonder if TJL and I will ever conceive.

And so I thought I would write down my reasons for WHY I really want children, beyond the maternal desire, of which I can do NOTHING about, in the hopes I can start to LIVE my life TODAY, rather than getting through each day, waiting for the future when I am a Mum and my life can begin (how crazy am I?). I guess I am looking for a way I can feel COMPLETE without having children.

WHY DO I WANT CHILDREN?

To give the holidays meaning, and so I can have big family holiday gatherings when I am older.

To give life ‘meaning’.

To give a reason for play, to watch the Wiggles, and Thomas, and hang at the park.

To go places.

To have family holidays.

To have subjects to photograph and scrapbook.

To fill my heart.

To give me an excuse to be mushy.

So I have kids who are mine, ones I don’t have to give back, and can raise MY way.

To buy cute clothes.

To buy fun toys.

To throw birthday parties.

To watch them play sport, or dance, or sing, or act, or whatever they choose to do.

To teach and encourage and help grow.

To take care of.

To love.

To guide along their journey.

To feel like I belong, am the ‘same’ as everyone else, not left out of the ‘my child did this’ conversations

BENEFITS TO BEING CHILD FREE

We can pack up and go anywhere, anytime we want

We do not have to find babysitters when we decide we want to go out

We have double income, and less expenses

We don’t have to deal with tantrums, and illnesses.

We don’t have to worry about outside influences, and what to protect, or not protect, our children from

No one is judging our parenting skills

WHAT I CAN START DOING TO LIVE EVERY DAY

Play with, and train Stella, to do agility on my days off

Tramp and explore the Taranaki region, weekly

Go for drives, to explore and photograph the region, weekly

Go out for dinner once a month

Go out for lunch once a fortnight

Take Stella to beach once a fortnight

Decorate and style the house

Decorate and style myself

Design and plant my garden

Scrapbook photos of TJL and me (just because we do not have children doesn’t mean that we are not doing stuff worthy of documenting)

Organise a decent calendar so we remember important dates

Try and be brave and invite other people to socialise with

Change one thing in my life

This post is inspired by a post by Stephanie which posed the question "If you had the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?" And her answer was very similar to mine, so I thought that I would share my answer to this question.

My answer is YES! Well, I guess if it wasn't yes this would be a VERY short post.

So WHAT I would like to change is the direction I took straight out of High School - 20 years ago, yep thats TWENTY YEARS AGO! *insert wailing, crying, tantrum here*

When I was in high school my passions were horses and photography. My desire to work with horses was 'dismissed' by my parents when I was around 14. 'There is NO MONEY to be made with horses!' I gave up riding about 1 year later ... don't know whether this was just a 'grow out of it phase' or 'there is no future in this so why bother' attitude.

When I was 18 and deciding what I wanted to do when I left school (I knew it HAD to be further study, I just didn't know what) I brought up the question of attending the Elam College of Arts to study photography. And this idea got 'dismissed' because this 'college' wasn't good enough.

*sigh*

What to do, what to do?

What I did was, study psychology for 1 year, study science for 1 year (failed), studied psychology a second year (failed), drifted, drifted, drifted, studied photography for 6 months, drifted, drifted, drifted, then decided that I really, really wanted to study 'Parks and Recreation', so at 25 went back to university, studied Parks and Recreation for 1 year, upped it to a double degree of Parks and Rec, and Conservation and Ecology. 3 years into the 4 year double degree decided to leave with just a Degree in Conservation and Ecology (failed internet relationship, led to depression, led to leaving early). So I finally did get that degree (A average no less), but NO JOBS, passion soon waned, blah blah blah.

And where am I now? I have a job that pays 'well' but I don't enjoy it, and I think about what could have been had I followed my passions way back when.

I am, however, now pursuing the photography and horses dream by being an equestrian event photographer in my spare time. And I am getting back into my photography so much that I am looking at getting back into art photography as well.

I'm nearly 39. Life could have been SO different had I had the 'guts' or the 'drive' to follow my passions when I was 15 or 18. But I can not WASTE the rest of my life with the what if's, I now have to get the guts, and get the drive, and follow my passions, and 'get' the life I desire.