I have been thinking a lot about this cycle, and how it compared to my first cycle at the beginning of the year. I'm thinking that a lot of things are different for us this time around, and I had a quick re-read of what I wrote during IVF #1, which was kind of interesting and surreal, mostly because I retain memories like a sieve retains water ... hahaha
Key differences in this cycle SO FAR are:
- 1st cycle I sat around and did not a heck of a lot. 2nd cycle I am busy and working hard feeding calves.
- 1st cycle I said I was happy with whatever God granted us but I don't think I really meant it. 2nd cycle I am actually pretty relaxed with what the outcome will be. I have been learning that I will be a complete person whether we have children or not, regardless of what society says. Not only learning it, but believing it!
- 1st cycle I was doing acupuncture. 2nd cycle I just don't have the time or the funds to be doing acupuncture.
- 1st cycle I was uptight and stressed out because I had no idea how everything worked. 2nd cycle I am so much more relaxed as I know that the clinic calls the shots and I have no say in anything, just go with the flow and do what they tell me to.
Having written it out like that has actually made me realise that THIS cycle is so much better than the 1st one. I had been thinking that my 1st cycle was PERFECT.
I wasn't working.
I was going to acupuncture.
We got to use TJL's fresh sperm.
My stress levels SHOULD have been way down, but due to the unknown (which I strongly dislike, eg I enjoy watching movies a second time because then I know the outcome) I was actually very stressed. My mindset was also one of woe-is-me, which just made me add to my stress by believing that it was poor poor me, why oh why do I have to go through this, hence the sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.
This cycle, despite a terrible start with having to use frozen sperm, and now having to use ICSI, and TJL not getting a holiday off of the farm, I am relaxed. I wasn't but now I am.
I get a bit uptight right before TJL gives me my shots, but not for hours in advance.
I will be a bit uptight about going for my first blood test on Monday, but that is more because I am adding to TJL's workload (as he will need to feed the calves), not because of the blood test itself.
Of course, it is early days in cycle 2.
There is plenty of time to get stressed out, and plenty of things to get stressed out about,
but all 'n' all, I am mentally feeling pretty well so far.
Through pain and sacrifice will come the greatest joy!
While I hope that joy will be a child (or 2) if it isn't, I look forward to finding out what that joy is!