"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Monday, April 23, 2012

I just don't remember, and that can be a good thing

It occurred to me today that TJL is one lucky guy.  In fact this guy is so lucky that I just had to tell him how lucky he is.  And lucky for me he agreed, although I suspect there was a tinge of sarcasm in his agreement!

Anyway, TJL is lucky because I just don't remember dates.  Seriously.  I don't have a clue as to what day we met, in fact I couldn't even tell you the year.  Things like that just don't stick in my head.  I could more than likely work out the year if I really had to (well I could cheat as I am pretty sure it is documented in a journal somewhere), but truth be told, I actually don't care.  I don't care how long I have known him.  I don't care how long I have lived with him.  All I care about is that we love each other.  And engagement date, don't have a clue.  I remember it was my one and only snow day off of work.  I remember that I saved quite a few calves lives by wrapping them up in hay blankets after drying them off with towels.  And I think the month was August, or July, oh who am I kidding, I just don't know.  I'm pretty sure it is in this wee blog, somewhere.  But TJL is lucky because, well, if I don't know what the heck the date was, then he is well off the hook for having to get me an anniversary gift.

And it can also be a good thing when it comes to infertility, actually it becomes a double edged sword when I think about it.  What was the date of my last period?  That ones easy!  Its TODAY!!!  Ask me in a couple of weeks, and stuffed if I will know.  I do try to mark it on a calendar so it's at my fingertips, but I don't always remember, so I have to work back and try and remember what day it was and what I was doing when it started. 

BUT  I don't have to suffer through dates of 'if the embies had stuck I would be xx weeks along now', I could work it out I guess, but why would I want to torture myself.  IVF didn't work and life cruises on as per normal for me, I just let it go bye bye.  I don't know whether this is due to my age, or just how I am.  But I do have to say I think it is a good thing, it certainly saves me from wallowing in the whole 'what might have been had 'xxxx' happened'.  

And while I am hung up on the past in a 'I wish I was young and just starting out on my life' kinda way with a twist of 'if I knew then what I know now' added in, I just don't think about the things that have gone wrong which were out of my control in anything other way than a wistful dreamy state.  The 'what might have beens' that weren't because of decisions I made are far stronger in my consciousness than the 'what might have beens' that weren't because of things out of my control.

Perhaps I'm moving on.  I certainly seem to be beyond the desperate 'I want a child, why don't I have a child' and the worst 'I just don't fit in anywhere, everyone else has children and I don't, so I don't have anything in common with them'.  I am actually starting to feel like my old 'childlike' self where I actually went out of my way to be different to everyone else.  And I am starting to feel sorry for people with kids because of their total lack of freedom.  Yes, I am definitely seeing the positives of being child free.

I do think a lot of this thinking is coming from a 'I'm 40 and feeling too old to start a family when so many my age are coming to the end of raising their families', but while I'm thinking it, I'm going with it!

I wonder how long this will last for ...

1 comment:

sass @ (In)fertility Unexplained said...

I love this post. I can just feel how relieved and happy you are!

Btw, I don't remember dates well either...I keep a calendar, but I immediately erase any dates associated with failed cycles. I don't want to remember those. It's one way of coping I guess.