It occurred to me today that TJL is one lucky guy. In fact this guy is so lucky that I just had to tell him how lucky he is. And lucky for me he agreed, although I suspect there was a tinge of sarcasm in his agreement!
Anyway, TJL is lucky because I just don't remember dates. Seriously. I don't have a clue as to what day we met, in fact I couldn't even tell you the year. Things like that just don't stick in my head. I could more than likely work out the year if I really had to (well I could cheat as I am pretty sure it is documented in a journal somewhere), but truth be told, I actually don't care. I don't care how long I have known him. I don't care how long I have lived with him. All I care about is that we love each other. And engagement date, don't have a clue. I remember it was my one and only snow day off of work. I remember that I saved quite a few calves lives by wrapping them up in hay blankets after drying them off with towels. And I think the month was August, or July, oh who am I kidding, I just don't know. I'm pretty sure it is in this wee blog, somewhere. But TJL is lucky because, well, if I don't know what the heck the date was, then he is well off the hook for having to get me an anniversary gift.
And it can also be a good thing when it comes to infertility, actually it becomes a double edged sword when I think about it. What was the date of my last period? That ones easy! Its TODAY!!! Ask me in a couple of weeks, and stuffed if I will know. I do try to mark it on a calendar so it's at my fingertips, but I don't always remember, so I have to work back and try and remember what day it was and what I was doing when it started.
BUT I don't have to suffer through dates of 'if the embies had stuck I would be xx weeks along now', I could work it out I guess, but why would I want to torture myself. IVF didn't work and life cruises on as per normal for me, I just let it go bye bye. I don't know whether this is due to my age, or just how I am. But I do have to say I think it is a good thing, it certainly saves me from wallowing in the whole 'what might have been had 'xxxx' happened'.
And while I am hung up on the past in a 'I wish I was young and just starting out on my life' kinda way with a twist of 'if I knew then what I know now' added in, I just don't think about the things that have gone wrong which were out of my control in anything other way than a wistful dreamy state. The 'what might have beens' that weren't because of decisions I made are far stronger in my consciousness than the 'what might have beens' that weren't because of things out of my control.
Perhaps I'm moving on. I certainly seem to be beyond the desperate 'I want a child, why don't I have a child' and the worst 'I just don't fit in anywhere, everyone else has children and I don't, so I don't have anything in common with them'. I am actually starting to feel like my old 'childlike' self where I actually went out of my way to be different to everyone else. And I am starting to feel sorry for people with kids because of their total lack of freedom. Yes, I am definitely seeing the positives of being child free.
I do think a lot of this thinking is coming from a 'I'm 40 and feeling too old to start a family when so many my age are coming to the end of raising their families', but while I'm thinking it, I'm going with it!
I wonder how long this will last for ...