Excited trepidation

This Friday I am handing in my notice at work.  I will finish my employment on 29 September.  From this point I will not have any paid employment.  That's no guaranteed income for me.   I am apprehensive about this because I have have always worked for my own money, excluding a few short stints on unemployment when I was a LOT younger and much more ignorant, and the years I was studying at University.  And to be perfectly honest I think I would be a bit wack-a-doodle if I wasn't a bit nervous about such a big change.  I also know that I am not going to be comfortable spending 'TJL's' money, and I definitely will not be comfortable asking TJL for money.  I know he is fine with this decision, but I also know I am NOT going to be able to have the excesses of junk that I usually spend my $$ on (magazines and food are my two worst vices), which is actually a good thing.

I am excited though.  Excited to get out of the company I work for, and away from the gossiping, whispering colleagues.  Excited that I will have time to work on getting my photographic business up and running A LOT better.  Excited to develop more photographic skills and expand my portfolio, plus earn a bit of pocket money.  Excited to learn more about dairy farming, in particular milking two days a week for TJL so he gets a bit of a break each week.  Excited to have the time to get back into tramping and fitness (goodbye 20kgs of weight that I have put on over the last 3 years at my job), and to get back into visiting art galleries etc.  Excited to have the time to plant, care, and harvest a decent vegetable garden.  Excited that if TJL and I manage to get pregnant I will be able to nurture and take care of the pregnancy without the stresses of work.  Excited that if TJL and I don't get pregnant, I will already be at home, ready to take in Home For Life foster kids at a moments notice.  And I am excited that I won't be working 12 hour days, when there is only 6 hours worth of work to be done.

The excitement FAR outweighs the trepidation, and thus the reasoning for this decision.  I am so grateful I have TJL for this journey, as if I was alone I could not afford to do it, and many men out there today wouldn't let me do it either.  So thank you Lord for bringing such a wonderful man into my life.  Of course, if this does not work out for us (most likely scenario is that I will want more 'play' money) then I will have to find myself another job.  But I do plan to give my photography business my best shot (ahhhhh pun!) to avoid this.

Bring on my 'new' life in a months time!  Oh so excited, with a dash of trepidation.

Grumpy-oso

I was Oh So Grumpy the previous two nights.  Seriously grumpy.  No rhyme or reason for it.  Just being my usual ungraceful and impatient self.  Thankfully God is graceful, patient, and FORGIVING, and will give me yet another chance to redeem myself.

I have also apologised, perhaps to a level of annoyance, to TJL for my attitude the last couple of nights.  It can be hard to apologise when you don't actually know what was driving the behaviour.  I mean, I was just ANGRY.  Nothing caused it, I was just plain ol' MAD.

In an attempt to 'get over it' I took myself off on a drive.  I had thought that at the end of our road was a forest and so I decided to drive out and check it out (timing and distance measuring so next time I could take the dog). However, after driving for about an hour and a quarter I reached the end of the road and the road ended at ... someones farm.  So I turned around and drove home.  No DoC signs indicating any walks of any kind.  Nada.  Just a farm.  *sigh*   Oh well, it was a fun drive, and blew out some cobwebs.  As an indication of how windy the road was, the distance travelled was only 50km, pretty slow going.

And, as further apologies to TJL for my atrocious behaviour, I not only made pancakes for breakfast this morning, I have also just made a batch of chocolate chip cookies ... greasing much?!  Hahaha

Engagement cake - YUMMY

Work was terrible today.  I had no, no, NO samples in to test today.  That makes a 12 hour day very, very, very long.  I made it more bearable by leaving 2 hours early, after convincing a colleague to take my place in a quiz team tonight.  All I achieved at work today was washing other technicians dishes.  I strongly dislike these kind of days!

What was lovely was that a colleague of mine made TJL and I an engagement cake.  It was SO delicious!  We (my colleagues and I) ate half of it at work, and I got to take the remaining half home to share with TJL.   Just incredible, but very, very, very rich.

I am very pleased with my housekeeping progress this week, one day to go.  Each day this week I have, in the morning before work (and note I leave for work at 5.20am!), put away the previous nights dishes and put the previous nights washing into the dryer.  In the evening after work (arriving home at 6.30pm) I have cooked dinner, put on a load of washing, folded the previous nights washing AND put it away!, done the dinner dishes, laid out my clothes for work the next day, tidied up the dining room table (ie thrown away the newspapers and junk mail etc), and spent 15-20 minutes on the indoor cycle.  Tonight (because I got home 2 hours early) I also fed the chickens and the dog, sewed a button onto my jeans (as it fell off at work today!), and washed my colleagues cake container AS SOON AS I GOT HOME.  I also tried to ring and confirm my appointment at the Fertility Associates, but no-one answered after being on hold for 10 minutes so I left a message.

I'm actually tired just re-reading that!  Hahaha

And yet I am calm

I got to hear another pregnancy announcement today.  Fabulous.  Lady is early 30's, always 'broke', and just in a casual relationship (I actually don't know THAT much about it but that is what she told me).  The great thing is she thought to tell me in private (as we were walking to our cars after work), rather than letting me hear it in a work announcement, and despite a very brief and light 'why not me', I actually wasn't too bothered.  In fact I do believe that I am happy for her.  Wooot, what a breakthrough.  I think I am finally at that point in my infertility journey that I accept people are going to get pregnant before I do.  And I think it helps that I only have SIX!!!!! rosters of work left, so I don't (or won't) have to watch her get bigger and more excited as the birth date approaches.  It also helps that another lady at work also struggles with infertility (and I thin she has been trying for a lot longer with her husband than TJL and myself).

I think it also helps that we are progressing with IVF (first appointment 30 September), and if that fails then we have the home for life option.  Of course I still go in swings and round-a-bouts with my emotions, but today I feel good.  Positive and strong.

And I have managed to fold and PUT AWAY (I hardly ever put away) 2 loads of washing, and I have another load in the washing machine as I type.  I also cooked tea (despite being a work day for me).  And am about to get on the indoor cycle and do a quick 15 minutes before bed.

Positive and strong!  I like it!

Life moving at warp speed

It feels like life is moving at warp speed at the moment.  I know it's not, and other people are far busier than I am, but there sure does seem to be a lot going on.

To top it off we had another dump of snow!  This one was a lot deeper than the 25th of July.   Fortunately this time there was only one calf born on the night of the dump, and two the following night (with snow still hanging around).  Also, this time I was on days off, so I was available to help TJL as required.

Today we had a home study visit from CYF's.  This meant that, while I should have had the house tidied over my previous days off, I left it to the last minute, and it took me around 4 hours today (not to mention the 8 or so hours I spent tidying my desk area.  I.  Am.  A.  Slob.  But now the house looks fab.u.lous (tidiness wise), I love it.  So my first goal is to keep it this way for the next four days (days that I am working).  And my next goal is to actually begin CLEANING the house (windows and walls mostly).

The CYF's visit went really well.  I think our plan of attack might be to do one round of IVF, and if that is unsuccessful, to then get onto domestic adoption (highly unlikely) and/or home for life.

So I now have to 

1.  Start planning our wedding

2.  Contact the IVF clinic and confirm or change the date they have given us

3.  Start writing our adoption profile

4.  Start writing our home for life profile

5.  Get researching upcoming horse events to get back out and start photographing.

And on that note, the rest of the snow pics are following (not the greatest as I used my old camera, and didn't muck around with appeture (sp?) etc, so they are a bit sucky)

Looking back to the neighbours property.

Looking back towards our house.

Calf trailer.

TJL picking up only calf born the first night.

Back paddocks.

Stachurski Twins tucking into their hay

Looking back towards the cow and calf sheds

Our house

Stella the snow dawg

There was even enough snow in the paddocks to grab out my old snowboard and have a couple of falls down one of our hills

TJL just used my board with his gumboots (and even then he is still way better at it than me)

Stella the rescue dog in full flight!

Just do something

My new book arrived today, entitled 'Just Do Something'.  TJL has comandeered it already, which is a good thing, even though I bought it for myself.  I have written the title up on our notice board in the kitchen, as I think it is quite a simple 'saying', and exactly what I need.

I am, currently, a hopeless housekeeper.  Seriously, hopeless.  That goes for gardening too.   I don't know whether it is procrastination, laziness, or I'm just a waiter ... you know, waiting for a miracle to happen and the house tidies itself, garden weeds, plants and harvests itself (hasn't happened yet, but I keep waiting).

You know what I am good at.  Reading and watching about housekeeping and gardening.  I get ALL the magazines, and watch plenty of TV (my biggest problem perhaps), and read lots of blogs.  And I admire and love all the houses and gardens I see, but when it comes to getting off my behind and actually doing anything to our own place, well I just don't.  And so I am applying the 'Just do something' philosophy.  This has resulted in our CYF's forms being filled in AND emailed.  My forms to get a replacement degree certificate signed, witnessed, and ready to post.  My lunch for tomorrow ready.  My DVD's removed from their cases and put into 'folders'.  A sorting of some knicknacks, including photos sent to my mother and sister, to see if they want any before I get rid of them.  Giving a bag of clothes to the SPCA shop.  Washing being washed, and other being folded.  Supermarket shop shopped.

I just have to keep it up!

I'm engaged, 1 friend is pregnant, and 1 friend got a job in Aucks

So TJL proposed to me on 'Snow Day', July 25th.  Yay!  It was quite romantic as he 'popped the question' while we were snuggled up on the couch after such an eventful day of snow, and calf rescue etc.

I headed home and saw my folks last days off, so told everyone there, and they were all so pleased, as TJL fits in well, and is a hard worker.

The only downer was when I went to tell my friend J, before I could she announced she was pregnant.  Of course she is.  They had only been trying for one or two months, and he is paralysed (not that I see that as a 'problem' as such, just thought it would take them a wee bit longer than what it did).  She has done acupuncture, and this is why she is recommending it for me, because 'that is all it's going to take for us to get pregnant'.  I do plan to give it a go, but I have a feeling it is just like all the other 'try harder', 'stop trying so hard', 'stop stressing about it', 'once you adopt you will get pregnant' etc stories.  So while her news slightly upset me, I did get over it pretty quickly and was pleased for her, but I still feel pretty jealous.  Then to top that all off she said 'We will be finding out the sex when we can as I will be 'devestated' if it's a girl'.  They only plan to have one.  Rule number 1, never, ever say something like that to someone who has been trying for 2 years to have a baby, fullstop!

And another friend from 'back home' has landed herself a job in Auckland.  This is fabulous news, as the job she had was awful!  The new one sounds awesome.

And these days off I am supposed to be getting the house in order for a visit from CYF's, before we can really get onto the domestic adoption/foster bandwagon.  8 weeks until I am 'unemployed', and while I am somewhat nervous (have worked pretty much since I was 18), I can not wait!!