What a week

It really feels like it has been such a huge week, and I guess it has.

The earthquake in Christchurch really has the whole country shook up.  So many lives lost, so many more missing.  It is, indeed, a tragedy of huge proportions for a country our size.  For those of us not in the same island, we are left feeling helpless.  But I know that this is, by far and away, is a much better feeling than what the poor souls in Chch are feeling, homeless, waterless, foodless, clotheless, and having lost loved ones.  Thankfully I have been able to locate all of my friends, bar one, from Chch, and the one that is still 'missing' is just not a huge user of FB anyway (my only way of contacting her), plus they may not have power etc, so my prayers are that she and her family are fine.  The company I work for is the largest in NZ, and they have donated $1mil, plus they will match employees donations dollar for dollar up to a further $1mil, which I think is fabulous.  Obviously I am donating through them as my funds allow.

The reality of it all hit home when a lady at work posted on the intranet that her daughter, daughters partner and their 3 week old baby had arrived at her place with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  Their jobs no longer exist, neither does their house.  So I have donated a large box of my clothes, plus the baby clothes my sister passed onto me in the hopes that we, one day, have a baby.   I hope the clothes I donated were suitable.  I tried to ensure that they were of great quality, but I did not know the sizes required.  At least they can pass on any unsuitable ones.

During this time TJL and I were supposed to be doing the BD.  TJL does not perform well under pressure, so we managed 2 out of 4 days.  Good enough, I hope.  Of course, I have had a bit of an upset stomach, and being an infertile, I'm thinking, hey, maybe thats a sign that THIS MONTH it worked.  Or it could just be a reaction to the tablets I took.

I also spent 2 of my 4 work days NOT SPEAKING!  These are 12 HOUR DAYS.  It was TOUGH!  I am a talker, and that's no lie.  It was with the aim of raising money for NZ Cancer Society (Relay for Life).  The first day a colleague did it with me, friday I was on my own.  I think we raised about $150.00, which shows you how much people want me to be quieter at work ... lol   It actually drove a few people nuts at work, made the day boring and slow without my chit-chat and joking around.  I just might be a bit loud.  And it is amazing how people start 'signing' back to you, even though they were allowed to speak.  And it really gave perspective on how hard it would be to be someone who can't communicate with everyone else.

Finally, we received information on the adoption process.  It will cost us around $57,000.00 to which TJL hardly battered an eyelid - GREAT SIGN!  Plus we would have to get married, hopefully will be the push TJL needs to get a move on in that department.  In April we have a two hour introduction seminar, and if we are still keen we will have 3 full day seminars in May-June.  These dates fit in perfectly with when the cows will have dried off, and TJL will be free all day, so I am stoked, AGAIN, that things appear to be working in our favour.  I am slightly worried how TJL will cope with full day seminars (even the two hour one).  School wasn't his strong point, apparently.  Luckily it was mine, so between the two of us we should be able to get through it.  I am looking forward and I am pleased that, for once, they don't seem to be occurring too far away in the future.

So life is good, moving forward at a nice pace, and we like that!

1 folicle to size, look out TJL

Had my mid-cycle scan today.  Only two folicles in the right (none in the left), and only one is of the right size, but I am more than happy to take it.  So TJL has tonight off, then its BD time for 4 nights in a row (he has been warned).  Should we fail to get pg this cycle, then I have double the dose of whateveritwas it was I took on last day 3 to 7.  Kind of exciting in an 'I don't want to get my hopes up' kind of way.

Today I also got around to re-contacting CYFs, who put me onto the local adoption lady, who emailed me straight away and has put the info. into the post for me today!  YAY!  It seems I am far better off emailing this department rather than phoning, as I did last time.  This suits me as I HATE using the telephone, I will phone people, but prefer not to.  I think there is a seminar we need to attend coming up in about July, and we may need to be married (I DEFINITELY do not have a problem with this, and it might just be the push TJL needs!), but things are chugging along nicely in this area as well.

The only other thing I did today was make a start tidying my 'office' area.  It is a SHOCKER!  It is looking a lot better, but I plan to only do 5 minutes a work day (c'mon, after 12 hours plus 1 hour travel I don't have THAT much energy left), and that is better than nothing.

So, YAY, it has been a step towards getting some children kinda day!

Getting back into my stride

If only my life could be rowed up so neat and tidy!

Ack.  I started the new year off well.  I even had a recap at the beginning of this month.  And then TJL and I went to Palmy North for Speedway Teams Champs, and all my routines and improved behaviour went right out the window.

TV has snuck right in, which means my bible reading and the love dare have snuck right out.

Fizzy drink has returned to my diet, as well as McD's, and all manner of junk food.

Ack.  I repeat, ACK!

And what have I learned from this relapse?

That I can not improve myself without regular communication with God.  I need to read Gods word EVERY.  MORNING.  to keep myself focused and heading along the right track.

With Gods help, I can begin to get my messy life into some semblance of order

I have learned that I can not do it alone.  I just can't.  Without the Lord leading the way, I am a mess.  Without immersing myself in His word and living my life geared towards him, I am not living the best life that I could be.  By attempting to live my life without total focus on pleasing God, I then end up pleasing no one, not myself, not TJL, not anyone.

And so once again, I am down before God, asking for his forgiveness and begging for his help, to get me back on track and functioning every day in the way that He desires me to.

Just when you think the Devil is winning, you get an award

A big thank you to Allison for giving me an award.  Apologies Allison, for failing to 'pick' it up earlier, and I sure hope I am accepting it the right way.

So step 1 was to thank the nominator - so, THANKS  ALLISON!

Step 2 is to share 7 things about myself, hmmmmm

1.  I was raised atheist but God found me around 18 months ago.  I still have not been brave enough to go to church yet, but I am sure I will get there one day.  Its pretty scary when you have NO IDEA of what 'goes on', titheing, etc

2.  I desperately want children, biological, adopted, foster, what ever.  But should our endeavors in this regard fail, I plan to get back into riding horses and resume competing (something I have not done since I was 15).  This is my way of ensuring life goes on and I don't get too hung up on it.

3.  I was super skinny as a child and teenager, and have put on a lot of weight over the last 3 years.  At this stage my desire to lose weight and be healthy is not stronger than my desire to eat unhealthy food.  Weird thing is I am almost opposite to an anorexic, where, if I am picturing myself in my head I still see that skinny kid *sigh*.  God is obviously helping me win the battle with this demon, as I really do not like the situation, physically, that I am in.

4.  I love, love, love animals, and will never, ever live in town again (if I can help it).  We have 1 dog, 1 cat, 3 goldfish, and numerous cows.  I prefer sheep farming, but dairy farming is where the $$ are at, and it will hopefully lead us to owning a sheep farm for me at some stage.  My favourite smells in the entire world are freshly baled hay, and freshly shorn wool!

5.  We can only go on holiday during a New Zealand Autumn/Winter (nature of farming).  I want to go to Russia and see how orphanages are run, TJL wants to go to Australia or Fiji.  He will win, this year, as he will be paying ... hehehe.  I must admit it will be nice to hang out on a beach for a couple of weeks and just totally chill out.

6.  The only job I have ever wanted to do was to be a farmers wife.  I finally found my farmer (at the ripe old age of 36), but until we have children I 'have' to work.  I don't like to work.  Whenever I am at work I always think of what I would rather be doing.  The one thing I do like about work is earning $$ so I don't have to ask TJL for $$ whenever I need some.

7.  I like guy stuff.  If we are at speedway I like to hang out in the pits with 'the boys', I like to drive the tractor, I prefer the comfortableness of guys clothes, and I always prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls.  My best friends are girls though, but my best workmates are the boys, all of which are leaving me!  3 to go back to university (yes I like guys who are a lot younger!) and 1 is going off on his OE.  I am not looking forward to being back at work without my boys - enter cattyness and gossip *YUCK*

The final thing is to nominate 15 blogs for the award.  So now I am going to FAIL.  I love ALL the blogs I read, and I am pretty sure the majority of them already have awards.  So, you know what, if you read this post AND you have a blog AND you have not received an award, consider yourself nominated!

Pray, Plan, Practice

I really struggle some days to appreciate what I have.  I know I have it pretty good, okay lets be honest here, I have it pretty darn excellent.  Sure my finances are not exactly in order.  Sure I am 40 pounds over weight.  Sure we don't have any children.  But I have never missed a meal in my entire life (maybe I need to, but I haven't).  I have always had clothes suitable for the seasons.  Whenever I have ever needed a helping hand (or money) my family has always been there.  And then there's the fact I grew up in the country and had horses, and dogs, and cats, and pet lambs, and everything a kid could want.  And now I again live in the country, and there is nowhere I would rather be.  Truth be told, I am pretty darn spoiled.

So why do I focus on what everyone else has, namely children, and why I don't yet have mine.  Why am I 'jealous' that everyone else 'seems' to be getting what they want, and I'm not?  I am not 'jealous' in the sense that I don't feel joy for other people, but jealous in just wondering 'when will it be my turn?'  I know I need to be patient and God will deliver when he is ready, but somedays I just feel so desperate.  I guess being aged 39 leads me towards being desperate.  To adopt we can only be 40 years older than the youngest child.  Which is ok.  The youngest would be 1 when I am 41, but OH how time feels like it is going so slowly.

The dragging of time would be due to the fact we are still trying for our own biological child, which to me, at times, feels like it is just costing us time.  If we had just decided to adopt I would feel like we were getting closer to having children, as the process would be under way, but because we are trying for one of our own the adoption process has been put on hold and there are still no guarantees that we will have one of our own.  And as each month goes by where we are always waiting - waiting to be tested, waiting to be scanned, waiting to start medication, - I feel both options slipping from my grasp.

So what can I do about it?

Pray.  Pray that God grants me the patience to wait.  Pray that God will reveal his plan will to me sooner rather than later.  Pray that I have the unwavering faith in God so I can feel peace in knowing that my life is in His hands.

Plan.  Plan the spare room so it is a welcoming childs room.  Plan so I have the finances available to me when I do require them.  Plan so that our house is open and ready for children by removing clutter and junk and creating space.

Practice.  Practice loving TJL so whatever comes our way our relationship will be strong.  Practice counting my blessings so I live a life bringing glory to God and peace to myself.  Practice being active so whatever comes our way I will be physically be able to cope.

Pray, plan, practice!

God, Love and Fitness

And so the joys of infertility continue.  Now I'm not exactly obsessive by nature, and I'm just living my infertility life with the whole, 'She'll be right' attitude.  So I think my cycle is usually somewhere around 23 to 28 days, but occasionally Aunt Flow gives me a longer wait.  I think she is doing that to me this month.  If only I could remember when I had her last.  I think it was around the 3rd or 4th of January.

HUH!  Shows you what I know, just looked back at my blog an she was here on the 10th Jan, so I'm a week out, silly old dingbat!   And that is why folks, I never get my hopes up!  LOL!  I have, however, been having minor stomach cramps for about a week.  Which I do sometimes get.  But you know, one does still like to believe that a miracle has happened.  And counting back the days it does mean she is due any day now, or anywhere up to 5 days away.  She will probably show up tomorrow since TJL and I going away for this weekend.  Romantic?  I think not!  Lucky we are going away to watch cars race around a dirt track for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS -hmmm noise and dust, nothing romantic there.  And of course AF is going to show up when I am spending ALL DAY Saturday photographing a horse event.  *sigh*  At least this show has a couple of breaks during the day AND handy, nice toilets to use.

So yes.  This is why I keep a blog, so I can track some aspects of my cycle.  I'm such a shocker!

In other news:-

My bible reading is going really well this time.  I am writing 'notes' as I go, an it is definitely giving me a better understanding.  Mostly because my 'notes' are practically writing the entire Bible out in long hand.  Being totally new to the Bible, and Christianity, I am reading it like you would any other book, ie from front to back, as I have no idea how to read any different.  I am currently up to Cain and Abel, which does feel like slow progress, but it is much better than no progress at all.  This would be the third time I have attempted to read the Bible, with the other two attempts failing early on with utter confusion.  Yes, writing it down is by far THE best method.

My Love Dare is also going well.  Again I am writing notes as I go, and God is helping me to be brave in asking TJL the questions I need to ask, and telling TJL the things I need to tell him.  I am learning SO much.  I love it.  And I can feel myself changing and growing every day.

Finally I am also reading Candace Cameron Bure with Darlene Schachts' book Reshaping it all.  What a FANTASTIC book!  I highly recommend it.  If you do not have a copy I definitely recommend that you get one, whether you need to lose weight or not.  It is SUCH an INSPIRATIONAL book, not just for weight loss but for living a faith filled life where you are guided by God to eat wholesome, healthy foods until you are SATISFIED rather than full.  Does GLUTTONY ring a bell with anyone?

Go here to order it from Amazon

It will definitely be a book I repeatedly dip into as I progress on my weight-loss journey.  A book I can use for inspiration and a tool to help me pick myself up when I begin to fail, all with Gods guidance of course.

Life is GOOD!  Actually life is AWESOME and I have the Lord to thank for that so THANK YOU LORD!

New Years Resolution Re-cap

Start of February seems like a good time to recap, and refocus on, my New Years Resolutions.

Number 1 was to lose weight.  And I haven't lost anything.  I haven't gained anything either, so I guess that is a start.  I have been successful in cutting down the consumption of soft drinks (down from 1 can/bottle a day to under 1 a week).  Unfortunately I then proceeded to take up creating my own milkshakes instead, with LOTS of ice-cream.  This appears to have negated the benefit of giving up soft drink in regards to weight-loss - well DUH!  So for February I am now giving up my daily milkshake and I shall just stick to water, but will allow myself 1 soft drink OR milkshake a week (even if I go to McDonalds, out for lunch, out for dinner etc.)  I am also working on focusing on the fact that take-aways, slices, and junk food in general are TREAT foods, NOT everyday foods.  I lost that focus a bit this week, and had a few too many slices at work.  February will be the month that I eat fruit and nuts, rather than slices and junk, for afternoon tea.  This is especially applicable at work, where, by 3pm (having already worked 9 hours and having 3 more to go) I feel entitled to a slice.  It also means that I need to eat my lunch, and NOT my lunch AND afternoon tea at lunch time meaning that I HAVE to buy a slice for afternoon tea.  Gosh I'm good at falsely justifying my 'bad' choices when it suits me.

2.  Reduce TV watching.  I have cut down TV a lot in January.  I no longer switch it on first thing in the morning when I am home.  I do need to practice switching it off when I get home from work, as truth be told, there really is not anything on that I need or want to watch.  Most of my TV time is spent channel surfing anyway!  What a WASTE of time!  When I am not at work on my first day off I am the worst, as I am pretty tired and need to blob and relax, so the TV comes on earlier than it should.  For February I plan to make my day 1 off my Sabbath, where my relax time will involve reading, being with TJL and just general relaxing.  The other three days, I will get the radio on and get the ...

3.  House clean and tidy.  I am definitely getting it slowly under control.  January has seen the kitchen clean and tidy each night before bed.  I do let myself down on a work day 4, where I decide that I can tidy it the next morning and, again, falsely justify it by 'I have just worked 4 12hour days and I am TIRED'.  Truth is, it only takes 10 minutes tops to do, so I am just being slack!  I will continue this practice for February, and begin to make improvements to other rooms in our house, beginning with our bedroom!

4.  Focus on the positives in my life.  I have been really good in this respect, especially in this last week, where I have been getting up before work to read my Bible and 'The Love Dare'.  This is really helping me be positive and focus on being a better partner to TJL and focusing more on the truth of situations rather than my INTERPRETATION of the truth.  In February I will continue the practice of reading the Bible and The Love Dare before work, and building on becoming the person I always wanted to be.

5.  Live life to the fullest.  This means that I not only have to stop watching the TV, but also get off the computer.  I do spend far too much time reading blogs, chatrooms, FB, etc.  I plan to core down my blog favourites (no offence to anyone, but I just don't have the time to read all the ones that I want to).  Having so many to read also means that I am focusing on the WRONG things in my life.  I have been focusing on how other people live rather than focusing on God and on living my life.   It is time to step back and allow God to fulfill me instead of searching for what it is I think will fulfill me.  It is time to stop dreaming of the live(s) that I wish I had and focus on living and appreciating the life that God has gifted to me.