Somewhere in-between

Living in limbo is just plain boring.

Mentally I have fully adjusted to living sans child.  Yep, I'm going for sans child as my status, my label, my grouping.  Childless sounds depressing, child free sounds by choice, and I am neither, I am sans child.  Happy with my life, even though it wasn't my choice, my dream, my plan.

However we still have one embryo to go.  I really can't be bothered 'using it'.  I'm 41.  Life is a bit busy at the moment so by the time we do get around to 'using it' I'm probably going to be 42.  And based on my track record, it won't stick and we will have 'wasted' another couple of thousand (give or take a few hundy).  I could buy myself a horse with that $2k!  Or a new wardrobe.  Or a dining table.

'Using it' in reference to the embryo seems to be the totally wrong terminology, like I actually don't give a damn, but to be perfectly honest I actually don't.  I do apologise if this does offend anyone out there that stumbles upon this, but I'm just so over the whole thing, and am happily moving on with my life sans child.  I have life plans which all involve being sans child.  And from what I've been witnessing lately, having no children sure seems so much easier, and freer, and quieter and cheaper! 

We will use it, the embryo.  And I will roller coaster once more, between hope and reality.  And when it fails to work this final time I will be sad.  But it will be temporary.  I have such a view to my future that a negative result will be a mere bump in the road rather than a huge crevasse, as it has been in the past.

But what it does mean for me, at the present, is that I actually don't fit into any grouping.  I read more childless blogs than infertility blogs these days, but until this final embryo is used, this final TTC chapter is written, I'm in limbo, not able to fit completely into any group, so I hang on the sidelines, observing but not contributing.