"Worrying about tomorrow means that you are missing some of today" Corey Allan of Simple Marriage

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I need to learn to focus

I was thinking today, about how I am currently involved in another obsession, and how it makes me fantasize about what I could be doing.  I googled a girl who was in my sisters class at school, who prepares thoroughbred yearlings for the sales, and she is now doing it very successfully, because I thought that that would be something I would like to get involved in.  Correction - I thought that that would be something ELSE I would like to get involved in.  And I realised, while walking the dog this evening, that I could and should have been successful at something BUT for the fact I flip flop from one idea to the next, I never, ever fully commit myself to anything, and once I am bored with the latest thing, I begin on another.

The trouble is I have been like this for as long as I can remember, except when a child.  When I was a child I was soley focused on all things horses.  I read horse books.  I rode horses.  I had horse pictures and ornaments.  And when I think back now, I really don't know why I gave it up.  Maybe I grew out of it.  Maybe my friends became more important than my horse.  Maybe, because my parents told me I could not have a job when I left school with horses, as I would never make any money,  I just no longer saw the point.  After the horse obsession came the photography obsession.  I took rolls and rolls and rolls of film.  I had my own darkroom set-up.  I spent hours upon hours in darkrooms, including my lunch hours at school.  And why did I not pursue this?  Too scared of failure.  Money.  And again my parents did not allow me to study photography at Elam school of Arts (Mum said it was dodgy).

So what has happened since I left school.  I went to University and studied psychology, then changed to biology, then back to psychology.  Then I left and mucked around for too long.  Then I finally went to polytechnic and studied photography for 6 months.  I struggled financially for the 6 months so did not bother to apply for the year course that followed.  I then worked in photo labs for a while.  Then I did a conservation course, and then went back to University and studied Science, with a major in Conservation and Ecology (I finally got my bachelors).  I then worked for Dept. of Conservation, Ruapehu Alpine Lifts, Buddle Findlay Law Firm, Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry, a couple of information centres, Fonterra, and now I am self employed.

During this time I also lived in the Waikato, Wellington, back to Waikato, Queenstown, back to Waikato, Hawke's Bay, Canterbury, Hawke's Bay, Central Plateau, Auckland, Hawke's Bay, and now Taranaki.  I actually do love moving around, but it does mean that I have no super close friends.

I actually think my lifestyle might stem from being unhappy, well actually not unhappy just permanently un-content - I always think something else is better.  I keep thinking, if I do THIS I will finally be content.  And I do it, but I get bored and it's not how I pictured it so I think, if I do THAT I will finally be content.  And I think, if I do that I am so going to do this and this and this and be this person that I really want to be.  And I never am.  I end up being a lazy ass and not applying myself and coasting along and not being as good as I could be.

And so my latest obsession is horse racing.  And so I fantasize about either owning a racehorse or breeding for sales, or preparing other peoples for sales, or owning a stallion and having stud fees.  And I have been watching the racing channel, and listening to the races, and betting on the races (very small amounts, but that adds up when you are doing it obsessively!)  But when I think about it, I also want to be a successful dairy farmer, and expand that business, and possibly breed top rate cows.  And then I want my photography business to expand.  Not to mention children ….. I just sometimes wish my mind would slow down!

Ack, I just think I need to write a(nother) list, and try and get my priorities sorted, and then each time I get sidetracked (and I get seriously sidetracked to the point nothing else gets done, like at the moment, nothing gets done as I am too busy watching racehorses and googling horse studs and trainers and trying to see if there are any jobs out there) …. ooops SEE, each time I get sidetracked I should go and read my list and refocus myself and remember what my goals are.

I shall get onto it now!

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