The decision to signify the end

So we had pretty much decided that yep, we are done trying for kids anymore, we are definitely happy to progress as a couple. The end.

The final, final decision is to have our remaining embryo destroyed.  I have the paperwork, it's all signed, and yet I still hesitate.  Crazy!  I'm 43.  I don't want a baby!  I like our freedom!  Yet there is still a small part of me that thinks, what if ...

I had asked about donating the embryo, assuming there would be a waiting list of people want one.  But no.  We'd have to do TWO psych evaluations, plus then the couple have to choose us, we have to choose them, such a huge rigmarole, so I said, nup, destroy it.

I can understand needing our info regarding health etc, and I'd be happy for my email address to be provided should the embryo become a child and they wanted to know about me (I've had the same email addy for 20 years so unlikely to ever change), but I'm just not going to spend the time faffing about with having the embryo adopted, which is essentially how they treat it.

I do get that it's probably a lot more complicated than I think it should be, but still, I do feel a bit guilty that there is someone somewhere out there that might want it.

Calving. It's only 10 days away ... eeeeek

Well our season kicks off in about 10 days when we are due to start calving.  I am so not looking forward to it.  I get stressed out with worry so much, it's just stupid.  TJL can't understand why I stress out about it, I have been on farm for 6 years now, this will by my 7th calving, but I really don't enjoy it.  I don't like taking calves off of their dams.  I don't like sending bobby calves on the trucks at 4 days old.  And I don't like worrying that my calves might get sick.

Ugh.

My happiest day is when calving is finished.  So that will be in about 10 or so weeks from now, all things going well.

Apparently I over think things.  All.  The.  Time.  It is rather tiring, and I end up sitting on my arse avoiding life rather than living it.

Avoiding life by watching Pride and Prejudice.  Again.  And again.  I just love Mr Darcy.  Poor TJL has me wanting him to dress in tails and lacy cuffs.

He won't.

My current obsession with the past has me hand writing in cursive these days.  And I've started looking for fountain pens.

I really think I a bit on the crackers side of crazy.