Sausages for dinner

I don't like sausages, even the pure, home raised pork sausages, that we have.  They just don't inspire me, don't make my mouth water, I just don't like 'em and never have.

TJL wanted sausages so that is what he had defrosted, and what I got to cook.  And I still don't like them.  All I did was fry them, and I have to admit that I was super impressed with the fact that NO fat came out of them, the pan basically stayed dry.  TJL liked them, he said dinner was De.Lici.Ous.  It wasn't, but I will go with it.

The Cauliflower on the other hand was YUM!  The broccoli not so much, but the cauli was sweet and perfect.  Again, I don't like broccoli.  I blame my ex as, when his mother was diagnosed with cancer (which she fought and won - HOORAY!) he read that broccoli was a cancer fighter so, we had it EVERY NIGHT  for  MONTHS, and now, ack, I just don't like it.  I eat it because it is good for me, but I don't like it.

Other veges tonight was mashed potato and kumera (sweet potato).  And since I had a delicious serving of that last week up in Aucks, my version was not anywhere near as good.  I seriously wonder what the chef put in theirs.   Ahhhhhhhh, droooooooling just thinking about it.

Best thing tonight will be Raspberry Pie from TJL's boss' wife.  We had half the other night, and it was Fab.U.Lous!  Basically like raspberry jam in a pie, with ice-cream.  Super sweet though!

I  CAN'T  WAIT  TO  BE  A  HOUSEWIFE  TO  BE  ABLE   TO  MAKE  DELICIOUS  AND  NUTRITIOUS  DINNERS  EVERY  NIGHT  FOR  MY  MAN!!

Not pregnant this month either

So good ol' Aunty Flo has just arrived, late this afternoon.  Thanks.  Thanks for making us have to try for yet ANOTHER month to get pregnant.  *sigh*   Oh well, onward we go, maybe THIS month (well next month) we will be successful.  Yada, yada, yada.

Lucky I rang the doc's office yesterday to get my prescription faxed through to the chemist!  I knew the ol' bat was coming.  DOH!  Just remembered I should have rung the doc back today to book my mid-cycle scan.  Never mind, will just have to do it tomorrow.

Work is spectacularly slow at the moment.  Well it IS winter, so the factory is not taking in any milk at the moment, so the only product we have to test is CHEESE.  MMmmmmmmmm, cheese.  So, anyway, today I read a magazine (not allowed, but it was a Dairy Exporter so kinda work related) and took notes for how we can progress in the Dairy Industry to attain farm ownership.  So it was actually kind of productive.  Just so you don't think that I entirely wasted the companies time, I also cleaned one of the fume cupboards, and did all the dishes (there are quite a few, certainly not as many as in Spring and Summer, but still a few).

I got a heap of photos printed off today, so I am all set to get started on a scrapbook of our holiday.   Hopefully it doesn't end up in my 'what I want to achieve when I get time' pile, it's already way out of control!

Back to life, back to reality

So this is where we were last week.  *sigh*  Funny how it now seems so long ago, and we have only been home 1 day!  What a great, sunfilled, fairly relaxing trip.  Such a shame it is all over.

This is part of the Cairns Botanic Gardens.  The gardens were HUGE, with fantastic walking trails.  I didn't see a crocodile in this water but I think that the odd one has been seen.  I figured that crocs would be everywhere, so was super cautious ... hahaha

The scenic railway to Kuranda was a must do.  Especially if you love trains, as I do!  We came back on the Sky Rail, which was not so great as I don't like heights very much at all.  Well worth doing, but I won't do it again, much rather come back on the train.  Of course, if we go back to Cairns on holiday, chances are I will have forgotten how scared I was on the Sky Rail, and travel on it again, only to be reminded why I didn't like it the first time - very similar to my Dr Pepper experiences.

Scary, grip the seat kinda stuff - well for me anyway.  TJL had to take gondola photos, I was hanging onto the seat and breathing.

We did a wee boat trip on a lake, that contained this wonderful, chubby, eel.  I quite like eels.  There also were terapins (turtles that swim dog paddle rather than breaststroke, I think thats what the guide said).  I love turtles.

One of the many wonderful waterfalls we were taken to.  If we had known we would have taken our togs for a swim, even though our guide said it was FREEZING cold.  Freezing cold in North Australia is not THAT cold, definitely swum in cooler waters in snow fed New Zealand rivers.

Our final visit was to a Spanish Castle.  Such a tragic story, and a lot of it has 'fallen' down due to cyclones and floods.  A Spanish man moved to Australia to make his fortune, 11 years later he made his fortune and returned to Spain to marry the woman he promised he would.  He hadn't written so she had married another 3 years earlier, so he married her sister.  Moved back to Australia and built her this castle, which was just amazing considering he did most of it himself in a very short time span.  And there is more, but you can read that here - Paronella Park.

Then today it was back to work.  Yeah.  I do believe that TJL is 'happy' for me to resign in three months time and I can become the housewife extrordinaire that I have always wanted to be.  I  CAN'T  WAIT!

Cairns day 4

We had a 'rest' day today.  Got up at 6amish, mucked around until about 8.30am, when we headed off to the Botanic Gardens.  They were pretty cool, and HUGE.  Took a ton of photos, but can't download/upload as I forgot the cable for that camera ... doh.  Part of the walk was SUPPOSED to be around the Gondwana Garden.  Unfortunately half way round I decided that the way to go was to follow 'everyone else'.  Big mistake, BIG.  Following everyone else meant we were on the 'Red Track', which thankfully only went for 1.2km, 600M of which was UP!  UP I tell you.  Now Im a bit of a porker, but had been feeling pretty good about myself having walked the 45 minutes into town and back over the previous 3 days.  That was NOTHING!  Nothing I tell you!  But I am glad we did it, hopefully it will knock a bit of fat off of me.

We then walked into a small village and finally managed to find the 'Flying Doctor Service', where I had to take a photo, solely because of the 1980's programme.  TJL had moaned up a storm getting there, and it wasn't that far, seriously!

We then had lunch at the Botanic Gardens Cafe.  Chicken, mushroom, spinach filo.  DELICIOUS!!  Best food we have had so far.

And that was it.  Spent the rest of the day at the resort.  Walked to the shops for an icecream, and then back again to get Pizza for tea (nice Pizza too).

Cairns Day 3

Got up at about 5.45am this morning, just the time I woke up naturally.  We were all ready to head off on our tour by 6.40am, so we decided to walk rather than Taxi into town to get to the Marina, which we had to be at by 8.00am.  We got there by 7.30am, which was excellent, and we now know how long it takes to get to town!

To begin with we thought it was going to be a fairly 'light' trip as far as people were concerned.  We were wrong.  A bus load, or four, of American Students rocked on up and boarded, and proceeded to talk, and talk, and talk ... lol.  Actually they were all pretty great.  All seemed to get along fine, and were excited, and friendly, and the majority were fine looking females so TJL had plenty of bikini clad attractive girls to look at.   We departed the Marina at around 9am, and got out to Great Barrier Reef at about 11am, to Michaelmas Cay.

We got on the second boat to Michaelmas Cay and snorkeled straight out to the reef.  It was AWESOME.  Hopefully we got some photos on the disposable camera, as it was just a point and hope you got the shot situation.  Will find out when we get back home and get it developed as to whether we have anything or not.  Fingers crossed!!  I snorkeled for a long time, quite a bit longer than TJL, but even though I wanted to keep going I thought I should go and see if he wanted to go back to the boat for lunch, he did, so we did, and since I was now dry I couldn't be bothered heading back out to Michaelmas Cay for more snorkeling, which I kinda regret, but too late now!  Considering it was something I wasn't fussed about doing, MAN it was FUN!

Cairns Day 2

Can't remember where I got up to yesterday, how typical is that??!!  Anyhow we walked into the city yesterday.  Took us about an hour or so and we walked along an 'internal' road, so found an IGA Supermarket, and a cool looking bike shop, amongst other things.  And it was jolly hot!  So we stopped for a bottle of water, and TJL got a sorbet.  We found the 'beach', which was tidal mudflat with sand dumped in certain places.  Tide was out, way, way, way out.  And we also discovered an AWESOME walkway right along the waterfront, which essentially took us right back to within a block of our resort.

We then proceeded to fall asleep, and failed to wake up until after 9pm, when the restaurant was closed, luckily I wasn't hungry so just went back to sleep.  Not too sure about TJL, he didn't go and get himself anything so I figure he wasn't that hungry either.

Woke up this morning pretty early, and went over to the restaurant for breakfast.  It was ok, not really worth the $9, so we bought our own breakfast stuff today to save us a bit of money.

We walked back into town today (via the coast as it was far nicer than the street walk), and booked activities for the rest of the week.  Tomorrow is Great Barrier Reef, Thursday we are going out to Kuranda to do the railway and skyrail thingee, and Friday we are heading out to the tablelands, to see waterfalls and some giant castle thing.  We also did a wee bit of shopping, involving Jandals, Beach Towels, a hat, underwater disposable camera, and then some foodstuffs from the IGA.  Spent far too much money, but hey, thats what holidays are for.

Had a really nice pizza lunch at a waterfront restaurant, and went to the local art gallery - loved Alex Platt's work.  Tonight we had dinner at the resort restaurant.  Was pretty disappointed really.  Certainly wasn't brilliant.  Wasn't bad, just plain.

So it will be an early night tonight as we have a bit of an early start in the morning (not too early though).

Hello Sunny Cairns

We finally made it to Cairns for our 7 night get-away.  Now, that makes it sound like an arduous trip, and it wasn't, but it was still a bit of a haul.

We left lil' ol' Eltham yesterday at 10am, and headed to Wazza's so he could drop us off at New Plymouth Airport, for our flight to Auck's.  At this stage I just kept on sniffling with the odd sneeze, and I started to worry that I was getting 'sick'.  The flight to Auck's was pretty good, just over half an hour, but we could NOT find a 'free' phone to ring the hotel, so I just used my cell-phone, and we were picked up pretty promptly and taken to Jet Park for the night.  At Jet Park my nose really went to town, and I was not feeling to sh*t hot!  I ended up falling asleep and then TJL had to wake me up at 6.25pm as our dinner reservation was for 6.30pm.  Dinner was not great in the sense my nose continued to run and I continued to sneeze.  I really could not enjoy myself, which was disappointing as the food was DIVINE!  I had pork with kumara mash, I have no idea what they did to those Kumara's but YUMMY!

We had to have an early night as we had to back at the airport at 4.50am, which involved a 4am getup!  I am so glad we are dairy farmers and used to being up at that time (the 4.50am at least).  Best news was that my nose was much better today, although I felt pretty sick first thing, by the time we boarded our flight at 6.15am I was feeling right as rain.  The flight (just under 6 hours) was totally uneventful.  Watched a couple of movies, played a bit of 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and 'Black Jack', and then we landed in Sunny Cairns!

The airport terminal was quite a bit smaller than Aucklands, which surprised me a bit.  We found the shuttle guy easily, and are now ensconced in our unit.  Which is pretty nice.  Did have potato chips, a chocolate bar, and lemonade for lunch though ... whoops.  But the resort restaurant doesn't open for lunch so we were kind of limited in our choices.

And now we are blobbing until tea time, and then tomorrow, when we will head off on an explore.

To much junk food, not enough fresh air

The last two days I have sat inside and eaten FAR TOO MUCH junk food.  Chocolate, candies, soft drink, chips, the list goes on!

And I haven't managed to finish sorting out my BMX photos.  It is REALLY time consuming.  But I only have 800 or so to go, so hopefully by the end of this week ... lol

And other than that, absolutely NOTHING is happening in my life.  We had our third, and final? seminar last Thursday.  It was good.  I quite enjoyed it.  TJL on the other hand, would have rather been anywhere else.  They sure do make it sound SO hard.  And I know that it will be/would be, but still, a few good points in regards to fostering and adoption would have been nice to hear.

Back to work tomorrow.  Hopefully TJL will stick to his word and I only have 3 months and 3 weeks to go before I become a housewife.  Please, oh please, oh please.  And I am more than happy to take a part time job, provided it does not interfere with my weekends, so I can get stuck into my photography.

Not asking for much am I?  LOL!

BMX

Spent two half days photographing at the BMX Indoor at Hawera this weekend.  Man they are fast!  I ended up taking over 2000 photos, which is pretty much A LOT so surely I have some good ones in there. So far I have only sorted through, and uploaded, 400 of them.  Hopefully I get them all done this week.

Of course, whenever I am at an event I do the 'Oh I WISH we had kids!!!!!' internal whine.  I know we are getting closer, even if it is through 'Home for Life' foster care, where we will have to 'share' them with the birth parents.  But kids are kids, hey, and if we have them for the majority of the time then all is sweet.    Home for Life is where kids are taken out of their birth parents home as it is unsafe, and has been deemed unsafe 'for life', thus a permanent home is found, but they are not able to be adopted so guardianship is joint between birth and foster carers.  The social workers we are dealing with put it a great way though.  Treat it like a marriage breakup, and you end up sharing joint custody with your ex.  Not ideal, but better than nothing.

One more training session with the social workers on Thursday, and an assessment, then hopefully it is all on!

Second seminar re Adoption or Foster Care

We had our second seminar for adoption and/or foster care today.  It started the same way as the introduction one, and day one ... badly.  For the induction day, the power went off with one row of cows left to milk, and took AGES to come back on, so I got stressed, we were a bit late.  Induction day one, we had a relief milker who stayed the night so we thought he might help TJL out in the morning ... um NUP.  So I went down and hosed out, and bada bing bada bang, the flaming heifers got out, so I got stressed, and we were a little bit late.  Today, day 2, no cows to milk, no stress, but TJL got up late, felt unwell, dawdled, I got stressed, and we were a tiny bit late, but not too bad.

Today was much better than day 1, not quite so clinical and dry.  Even TJL survived it a lot better, which is fortunate, as to be a foster care provider we have one more seminar day to go.  Originally we didn't have to attend it as we had only planned to adopt, but since we are looking at the foster care route we have to, and fortunately TJL is on board for this one (he dislikes sitting, inside, learning stuff).

Today they had a panel of 3 people who are currently in the system.  One guy has been involved in looking after teenage boys for 9 years (he had been a youth worker), one lady has two kids for lifetime placement, and has just had another two placed with her and is going through the system to get them placed with her for lifetime.  The third lady has an adopted daughter (aged 5) and has just had a boy placed with her for lifetime (currently going through the system).

So it was good.

And now we might be looking at local adoption rather than inter-country, or 'care for life', which is a placement for life, where we are legal guardians but not 'parents' for life.  No rush to make a choice as yet, time will tell us what direction we need to be heading in.

Losing weight, AGAIN

So I am once again on the weighloss trail.  *sigh*  How many times do I beat on this drum?

Anyway, I have begun a new blog, Losing it with MJ as the programme I am attempting to follow is Losing it with April, a celeb and TV presenter here in NZ, who currently weighs in at around 100kg.  That was HER wake-up call, mine is the 90kg mark.  Damn disgusting!

What I like about the programme

1.  Its FREE to follow along!
2.  The food is NORMAL!
3.  The exercises can all be done at HOME!

Nothing fancy, nothing schmancy.

I have had a couple of other wakeup calls, not just the figure on the scale.

1.  I wasn't in the mood to play with my friends young children, I was shy, reserved, and self conscious about my appearance.
2.  Despite what I 'see' in the mirror (akin to being the opposite of an anorexic, ie I see 'NORMAL') photos actually show me that I am 'HUGE'.  People, who I see and think that they are big, I AM BIGGER THAN THEM!  C'MON!)
3.  My appearance is terrible.  In photos I look like the people who I have judged all my life as being fat, ugly, lazy, and stupid.  The kind of people you think, 'How could you let yourself get like that?  Get a haircut.  Get some decent clothes.  Lose some weight.  Get some dang pride!'

Thats me at the moment, and I HATE this.  I have zero confidence, and when I am feeling ok, I see a photo of myself and hate myself all over again.  I think I need to keep the photo image of myself in my head, as that sure as heck puts me off eating TOO much rubbish.

I really hope and pray that I can make it work this time.

Dr Fufu appointment

I had a mid-cycle scan today.  My regular Fufu doc was not in so I had an ultrasound lady.  Not good news for us.  I don't appear to have any folicles to size this month.  It could be because the days for taking the tablets changed from 3 to 7, to 2 to 6.  I forgot to mention that to replacement lady.  Not that anything can be done.  So no pressure this month, which of course won't stop me from hoping, but that's how it goes.

I have had a bit of a nasty cold.  Ended up taking half the day off of work yesterday, and fortunately I had today off, so I should be good to go again tomorrow - yes I get to work Easter Friday AND Easter Monday.  I have to tell myself - time and a half AND a day in lieu.  And if I can save enough money, I shall be a housewife in 6 months time, and I can definitely deal with that.  Each time TJL says 'when are you going to do such and such?'  I say 'In six months time' ... lol

Some people have said that they could not be a housewife, they'd get bored!  Not me!  I am so glad I have my photography, that I can develop further.  Plus I will be helping TJL out on the farm, getting some more experience under my belt before we finally manage to purchase our own farm.

We almost have all the adoption paperwork done.  Will get it sent off straight after Easter.  Nervous as heck, into the wide unknown!  Plus we have to have our medicals.  Very exciting though!  Me more than TJL, but that's probably a good thing, although I wish I didn't have to push him quite so hard.

Basketball tomorrow night - Taranaki Mountainairs v Bay Hawks.  So excited!  I love basketball, plus I do the 'media' for Taranaki, which just involves the facebook page at the moment.  Managed to find the team a song today, I hope the rest of the committee like it.

And off to Waverley on Sunday, to photograph a Pony Club end of season cup day.  Wooop!

Almost 2 months between posts

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long.  Guess I needed to take a break.  So whats the happenings?  Still not pregnant.  Pretty much expected I guess, after how long of trying ... I can't even remember, 2 and a bit years I think.  Last cycle I had 3 folicles to size, but all on the right.  Dr Fufu would prefer to see them in both uteri.  Will get scanned on Thursday to see how we are doing this month.  I'm actually kind of over the whole thing, just being in limbo sucks for me.  I like to 'plan' but its really hard when you keep thinking, it'd be cool to do this, but maybe I will be pregnant then' ... I know we should just do it anyway, but, bah, I am kinda tired of being childless.

We have been to a 2 hour adoption/fostering seminar.  Didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, I have researched the topic to death!  Lol.  We need to get onto our paperwork, and have our medicals done so we can begin the next step of 2 full day seminars.  TJL is not so keen on these, not exactly a 'sit down and learn stuff' kinda guy, but he will get through it.  I do have to stop speaking for him though!  The man is not an idiot!

We had TJL's nieces 5th birthday a week ago.  It was okay.  Too many children and too much noise.  If one or more of the children were mine it wouldn't have been a problem, but I just wasn't in the mood to be very social ... I hate being the only one without kids (thats in my family, not my entire life ... lol).

Also spent a couple of days back home, watched a bit of basketball with a couple of friends, and hung out with my sisters kids.  Nearly broke my neck trying to rolypoly off of the footstool in a competition with my 7 year old niece (she does a bridge and flicks her legs over backwards, working towards being able to do it off the floor so she can go up a grade in gymnastics).  Me, as I said, could barely rolypoly off the dang thing.  When was it I got old?  But this is why the kids love me, I'm not afraid to look like an incompetent idiot in front of them.

And back to work tomorrow.  But thats only for 6 months, as if I can save 10k TJL said I can quit and be a 'farmers wife' .... YES!  Wish me luck!

What a week

It really feels like it has been such a huge week, and I guess it has.

The earthquake in Christchurch really has the whole country shook up.  So many lives lost, so many more missing.  It is, indeed, a tragedy of huge proportions for a country our size.  For those of us not in the same island, we are left feeling helpless.  But I know that this is, by far and away, is a much better feeling than what the poor souls in Chch are feeling, homeless, waterless, foodless, clotheless, and having lost loved ones.  Thankfully I have been able to locate all of my friends, bar one, from Chch, and the one that is still 'missing' is just not a huge user of FB anyway (my only way of contacting her), plus they may not have power etc, so my prayers are that she and her family are fine.  The company I work for is the largest in NZ, and they have donated $1mil, plus they will match employees donations dollar for dollar up to a further $1mil, which I think is fabulous.  Obviously I am donating through them as my funds allow.

The reality of it all hit home when a lady at work posted on the intranet that her daughter, daughters partner and their 3 week old baby had arrived at her place with nothing but the clothes on their backs.  Their jobs no longer exist, neither does their house.  So I have donated a large box of my clothes, plus the baby clothes my sister passed onto me in the hopes that we, one day, have a baby.   I hope the clothes I donated were suitable.  I tried to ensure that they were of great quality, but I did not know the sizes required.  At least they can pass on any unsuitable ones.

During this time TJL and I were supposed to be doing the BD.  TJL does not perform well under pressure, so we managed 2 out of 4 days.  Good enough, I hope.  Of course, I have had a bit of an upset stomach, and being an infertile, I'm thinking, hey, maybe thats a sign that THIS MONTH it worked.  Or it could just be a reaction to the tablets I took.

I also spent 2 of my 4 work days NOT SPEAKING!  These are 12 HOUR DAYS.  It was TOUGH!  I am a talker, and that's no lie.  It was with the aim of raising money for NZ Cancer Society (Relay for Life).  The first day a colleague did it with me, friday I was on my own.  I think we raised about $150.00, which shows you how much people want me to be quieter at work ... lol   It actually drove a few people nuts at work, made the day boring and slow without my chit-chat and joking around.  I just might be a bit loud.  And it is amazing how people start 'signing' back to you, even though they were allowed to speak.  And it really gave perspective on how hard it would be to be someone who can't communicate with everyone else.

Finally, we received information on the adoption process.  It will cost us around $57,000.00 to which TJL hardly battered an eyelid - GREAT SIGN!  Plus we would have to get married, hopefully will be the push TJL needs to get a move on in that department.  In April we have a two hour introduction seminar, and if we are still keen we will have 3 full day seminars in May-June.  These dates fit in perfectly with when the cows will have dried off, and TJL will be free all day, so I am stoked, AGAIN, that things appear to be working in our favour.  I am slightly worried how TJL will cope with full day seminars (even the two hour one).  School wasn't his strong point, apparently.  Luckily it was mine, so between the two of us we should be able to get through it.  I am looking forward and I am pleased that, for once, they don't seem to be occurring too far away in the future.

So life is good, moving forward at a nice pace, and we like that!

1 folicle to size, look out TJL

Had my mid-cycle scan today.  Only two folicles in the right (none in the left), and only one is of the right size, but I am more than happy to take it.  So TJL has tonight off, then its BD time for 4 nights in a row (he has been warned).  Should we fail to get pg this cycle, then I have double the dose of whateveritwas it was I took on last day 3 to 7.  Kind of exciting in an 'I don't want to get my hopes up' kind of way.

Today I also got around to re-contacting CYFs, who put me onto the local adoption lady, who emailed me straight away and has put the info. into the post for me today!  YAY!  It seems I am far better off emailing this department rather than phoning, as I did last time.  This suits me as I HATE using the telephone, I will phone people, but prefer not to.  I think there is a seminar we need to attend coming up in about July, and we may need to be married (I DEFINITELY do not have a problem with this, and it might just be the push TJL needs!), but things are chugging along nicely in this area as well.

The only other thing I did today was make a start tidying my 'office' area.  It is a SHOCKER!  It is looking a lot better, but I plan to only do 5 minutes a work day (c'mon, after 12 hours plus 1 hour travel I don't have THAT much energy left), and that is better than nothing.

So, YAY, it has been a step towards getting some children kinda day!

Getting back into my stride

If only my life could be rowed up so neat and tidy!

Ack.  I started the new year off well.  I even had a recap at the beginning of this month.  And then TJL and I went to Palmy North for Speedway Teams Champs, and all my routines and improved behaviour went right out the window.

TV has snuck right in, which means my bible reading and the love dare have snuck right out.

Fizzy drink has returned to my diet, as well as McD's, and all manner of junk food.

Ack.  I repeat, ACK!

And what have I learned from this relapse?

That I can not improve myself without regular communication with God.  I need to read Gods word EVERY.  MORNING.  to keep myself focused and heading along the right track.

With Gods help, I can begin to get my messy life into some semblance of order

I have learned that I can not do it alone.  I just can't.  Without the Lord leading the way, I am a mess.  Without immersing myself in His word and living my life geared towards him, I am not living the best life that I could be.  By attempting to live my life without total focus on pleasing God, I then end up pleasing no one, not myself, not TJL, not anyone.

And so once again, I am down before God, asking for his forgiveness and begging for his help, to get me back on track and functioning every day in the way that He desires me to.

Just when you think the Devil is winning, you get an award

A big thank you to Allison for giving me an award.  Apologies Allison, for failing to 'pick' it up earlier, and I sure hope I am accepting it the right way.

So step 1 was to thank the nominator - so, THANKS  ALLISON!

Step 2 is to share 7 things about myself, hmmmmm

1.  I was raised atheist but God found me around 18 months ago.  I still have not been brave enough to go to church yet, but I am sure I will get there one day.  Its pretty scary when you have NO IDEA of what 'goes on', titheing, etc

2.  I desperately want children, biological, adopted, foster, what ever.  But should our endeavors in this regard fail, I plan to get back into riding horses and resume competing (something I have not done since I was 15).  This is my way of ensuring life goes on and I don't get too hung up on it.

3.  I was super skinny as a child and teenager, and have put on a lot of weight over the last 3 years.  At this stage my desire to lose weight and be healthy is not stronger than my desire to eat unhealthy food.  Weird thing is I am almost opposite to an anorexic, where, if I am picturing myself in my head I still see that skinny kid *sigh*.  God is obviously helping me win the battle with this demon, as I really do not like the situation, physically, that I am in.

4.  I love, love, love animals, and will never, ever live in town again (if I can help it).  We have 1 dog, 1 cat, 3 goldfish, and numerous cows.  I prefer sheep farming, but dairy farming is where the $$ are at, and it will hopefully lead us to owning a sheep farm for me at some stage.  My favourite smells in the entire world are freshly baled hay, and freshly shorn wool!

5.  We can only go on holiday during a New Zealand Autumn/Winter (nature of farming).  I want to go to Russia and see how orphanages are run, TJL wants to go to Australia or Fiji.  He will win, this year, as he will be paying ... hehehe.  I must admit it will be nice to hang out on a beach for a couple of weeks and just totally chill out.

6.  The only job I have ever wanted to do was to be a farmers wife.  I finally found my farmer (at the ripe old age of 36), but until we have children I 'have' to work.  I don't like to work.  Whenever I am at work I always think of what I would rather be doing.  The one thing I do like about work is earning $$ so I don't have to ask TJL for $$ whenever I need some.

7.  I like guy stuff.  If we are at speedway I like to hang out in the pits with 'the boys', I like to drive the tractor, I prefer the comfortableness of guys clothes, and I always prefer to hang out with guys rather than girls.  My best friends are girls though, but my best workmates are the boys, all of which are leaving me!  3 to go back to university (yes I like guys who are a lot younger!) and 1 is going off on his OE.  I am not looking forward to being back at work without my boys - enter cattyness and gossip *YUCK*

The final thing is to nominate 15 blogs for the award.  So now I am going to FAIL.  I love ALL the blogs I read, and I am pretty sure the majority of them already have awards.  So, you know what, if you read this post AND you have a blog AND you have not received an award, consider yourself nominated!

Pray, Plan, Practice

I really struggle some days to appreciate what I have.  I know I have it pretty good, okay lets be honest here, I have it pretty darn excellent.  Sure my finances are not exactly in order.  Sure I am 40 pounds over weight.  Sure we don't have any children.  But I have never missed a meal in my entire life (maybe I need to, but I haven't).  I have always had clothes suitable for the seasons.  Whenever I have ever needed a helping hand (or money) my family has always been there.  And then there's the fact I grew up in the country and had horses, and dogs, and cats, and pet lambs, and everything a kid could want.  And now I again live in the country, and there is nowhere I would rather be.  Truth be told, I am pretty darn spoiled.

So why do I focus on what everyone else has, namely children, and why I don't yet have mine.  Why am I 'jealous' that everyone else 'seems' to be getting what they want, and I'm not?  I am not 'jealous' in the sense that I don't feel joy for other people, but jealous in just wondering 'when will it be my turn?'  I know I need to be patient and God will deliver when he is ready, but somedays I just feel so desperate.  I guess being aged 39 leads me towards being desperate.  To adopt we can only be 40 years older than the youngest child.  Which is ok.  The youngest would be 1 when I am 41, but OH how time feels like it is going so slowly.

The dragging of time would be due to the fact we are still trying for our own biological child, which to me, at times, feels like it is just costing us time.  If we had just decided to adopt I would feel like we were getting closer to having children, as the process would be under way, but because we are trying for one of our own the adoption process has been put on hold and there are still no guarantees that we will have one of our own.  And as each month goes by where we are always waiting - waiting to be tested, waiting to be scanned, waiting to start medication, - I feel both options slipping from my grasp.

So what can I do about it?

Pray.  Pray that God grants me the patience to wait.  Pray that God will reveal his plan will to me sooner rather than later.  Pray that I have the unwavering faith in God so I can feel peace in knowing that my life is in His hands.

Plan.  Plan the spare room so it is a welcoming childs room.  Plan so I have the finances available to me when I do require them.  Plan so that our house is open and ready for children by removing clutter and junk and creating space.

Practice.  Practice loving TJL so whatever comes our way our relationship will be strong.  Practice counting my blessings so I live a life bringing glory to God and peace to myself.  Practice being active so whatever comes our way I will be physically be able to cope.

Pray, plan, practice!

God, Love and Fitness

And so the joys of infertility continue.  Now I'm not exactly obsessive by nature, and I'm just living my infertility life with the whole, 'She'll be right' attitude.  So I think my cycle is usually somewhere around 23 to 28 days, but occasionally Aunt Flow gives me a longer wait.  I think she is doing that to me this month.  If only I could remember when I had her last.  I think it was around the 3rd or 4th of January.

HUH!  Shows you what I know, just looked back at my blog an she was here on the 10th Jan, so I'm a week out, silly old dingbat!   And that is why folks, I never get my hopes up!  LOL!  I have, however, been having minor stomach cramps for about a week.  Which I do sometimes get.  But you know, one does still like to believe that a miracle has happened.  And counting back the days it does mean she is due any day now, or anywhere up to 5 days away.  She will probably show up tomorrow since TJL and I going away for this weekend.  Romantic?  I think not!  Lucky we are going away to watch cars race around a dirt track for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS -hmmm noise and dust, nothing romantic there.  And of course AF is going to show up when I am spending ALL DAY Saturday photographing a horse event.  *sigh*  At least this show has a couple of breaks during the day AND handy, nice toilets to use.

So yes.  This is why I keep a blog, so I can track some aspects of my cycle.  I'm such a shocker!

In other news:-

My bible reading is going really well this time.  I am writing 'notes' as I go, an it is definitely giving me a better understanding.  Mostly because my 'notes' are practically writing the entire Bible out in long hand.  Being totally new to the Bible, and Christianity, I am reading it like you would any other book, ie from front to back, as I have no idea how to read any different.  I am currently up to Cain and Abel, which does feel like slow progress, but it is much better than no progress at all.  This would be the third time I have attempted to read the Bible, with the other two attempts failing early on with utter confusion.  Yes, writing it down is by far THE best method.

My Love Dare is also going well.  Again I am writing notes as I go, and God is helping me to be brave in asking TJL the questions I need to ask, and telling TJL the things I need to tell him.  I am learning SO much.  I love it.  And I can feel myself changing and growing every day.

Finally I am also reading Candace Cameron Bure with Darlene Schachts' book Reshaping it all.  What a FANTASTIC book!  I highly recommend it.  If you do not have a copy I definitely recommend that you get one, whether you need to lose weight or not.  It is SUCH an INSPIRATIONAL book, not just for weight loss but for living a faith filled life where you are guided by God to eat wholesome, healthy foods until you are SATISFIED rather than full.  Does GLUTTONY ring a bell with anyone?

Go here to order it from Amazon

It will definitely be a book I repeatedly dip into as I progress on my weight-loss journey.  A book I can use for inspiration and a tool to help me pick myself up when I begin to fail, all with Gods guidance of course.

Life is GOOD!  Actually life is AWESOME and I have the Lord to thank for that so THANK YOU LORD!

New Years Resolution Re-cap

Start of February seems like a good time to recap, and refocus on, my New Years Resolutions.

Number 1 was to lose weight.  And I haven't lost anything.  I haven't gained anything either, so I guess that is a start.  I have been successful in cutting down the consumption of soft drinks (down from 1 can/bottle a day to under 1 a week).  Unfortunately I then proceeded to take up creating my own milkshakes instead, with LOTS of ice-cream.  This appears to have negated the benefit of giving up soft drink in regards to weight-loss - well DUH!  So for February I am now giving up my daily milkshake and I shall just stick to water, but will allow myself 1 soft drink OR milkshake a week (even if I go to McDonalds, out for lunch, out for dinner etc.)  I am also working on focusing on the fact that take-aways, slices, and junk food in general are TREAT foods, NOT everyday foods.  I lost that focus a bit this week, and had a few too many slices at work.  February will be the month that I eat fruit and nuts, rather than slices and junk, for afternoon tea.  This is especially applicable at work, where, by 3pm (having already worked 9 hours and having 3 more to go) I feel entitled to a slice.  It also means that I need to eat my lunch, and NOT my lunch AND afternoon tea at lunch time meaning that I HAVE to buy a slice for afternoon tea.  Gosh I'm good at falsely justifying my 'bad' choices when it suits me.

2.  Reduce TV watching.  I have cut down TV a lot in January.  I no longer switch it on first thing in the morning when I am home.  I do need to practice switching it off when I get home from work, as truth be told, there really is not anything on that I need or want to watch.  Most of my TV time is spent channel surfing anyway!  What a WASTE of time!  When I am not at work on my first day off I am the worst, as I am pretty tired and need to blob and relax, so the TV comes on earlier than it should.  For February I plan to make my day 1 off my Sabbath, where my relax time will involve reading, being with TJL and just general relaxing.  The other three days, I will get the radio on and get the ...

3.  House clean and tidy.  I am definitely getting it slowly under control.  January has seen the kitchen clean and tidy each night before bed.  I do let myself down on a work day 4, where I decide that I can tidy it the next morning and, again, falsely justify it by 'I have just worked 4 12hour days and I am TIRED'.  Truth is, it only takes 10 minutes tops to do, so I am just being slack!  I will continue this practice for February, and begin to make improvements to other rooms in our house, beginning with our bedroom!

4.  Focus on the positives in my life.  I have been really good in this respect, especially in this last week, where I have been getting up before work to read my Bible and 'The Love Dare'.  This is really helping me be positive and focus on being a better partner to TJL and focusing more on the truth of situations rather than my INTERPRETATION of the truth.  In February I will continue the practice of reading the Bible and The Love Dare before work, and building on becoming the person I always wanted to be.

5.  Live life to the fullest.  This means that I not only have to stop watching the TV, but also get off the computer.  I do spend far too much time reading blogs, chatrooms, FB, etc.  I plan to core down my blog favourites (no offence to anyone, but I just don't have the time to read all the ones that I want to).  Having so many to read also means that I am focusing on the WRONG things in my life.  I have been focusing on how other people live rather than focusing on God and on living my life.   It is time to step back and allow God to fulfill me instead of searching for what it is I think will fulfill me.  It is time to stop dreaming of the live(s) that I wish I had and focus on living and appreciating the life that God has gifted to me.