Rediscovering myself

Incredibly I actually went for a swim yesterday!  My first swim in over 8 years.  I was so proud of myself for doing it.  Full details are in my other blog Nine Gabillion Zillion

So today I opted to go for a walk, that wasn't over our farm.  I knew Whitecliffs walkway wasn't too far away from where we live, so I hopped in the ute and headed off.  It was a bit further away that I thought, but it wasn't as far as it felt, if that makes sense.  You know, the drive back was a lot quicker than the drive out felt.

So first off I found the start of the walk, kind of.  DoC do not have the best signage out, and I couldn't work out where to park.  I parked at the boat ramp to try and work it out, but nothing really came to me.  I couldn't park at the boat ramp for long, incase someone actually showed up with a boat.  So I decided to call it a day, and head on home.

The boat ramp.  

I was actually a bit nervous getting out of there, as it involved reversing, up a hill, on a fairly narrow section of land, and required backing out onto the road, which fortunately does not have a lot of traffic.  I managed it fine, but my heart was pounding a bit.  I imagined myself slipping a wheel over the bank and hanging off the edge.  I have a very over active imagination!

The view from the boat ramp back up the road that I drove in on.  Very picturesque, despite the brackish looking water.

Once I managed to get back onto the road and headed for home I actually spotted some places that looked like parking spots.  I pulled off, hummed and haaaa'd a bit, and thought, well, since I'm here I may as well see if I can find the start of the walk.

And I did.

I was a bit nervous, as I always am first time somewhere new.  The start of the walk involved walking up a private road, past a few houses.  It felt a bit like trespassing.  And I always worry that I've got it wrong and someone is going to come flying out of their house screeching 'PRIVATE  PROPERTY'.  But no one did.  I was on the right 'track' - it wasn't a track, it was a sealed road.  Not quite what I was expecting.

Then you reach the end of the road, and you get to enter onto private farmland, and the seal gives way to gravel.

It was a lovely day for a walk, and since it was my first one I just walked 30 minutes in, to be 30 minutes out, so an hour total.  My 30 minutes in took me to the top of a fairly large hill, which gave a lovely view out over the sea, to the white cliffs - well to some white cliffs, I'm not sure if they were THE white cliffs.

 View from the top (and end) of my walk.

 The gravel road back down from the big hill.

I was actually quite surprised as to how easily I managed this hill.  I had seen it from a distance and thought to myself, I hope the walk doesn't go up there!  But it did, and it actually wasn't too bad!

 There was a corner in the gravel road where these trees roots had been exposed by the constant slipping of the land.  There was a sign there that said, no stopping, slips, so it must slip quite a bit.

Noticed this cool fracture of the earth on my way back.  

I'm not sure if a geographic event caused it, or if it is a result of earthworks cutting into the cliff for the road, and the end of the corner has fractured.  I guess it will break off eventually.  The left section is connecting to an ongoing bank.  The right section is only a few metres long, for the road to curve around it.  Never the less, it's very cool!  If you look back at the picture of the view from the boat ramp to the road back you can see this naked bank in the background by the road.

So I absolutely loved the walk.  I just felt like the old me, which is a fantastic feeling.  I am hoping to get out and do this walk a bit further along, and other walks every other week. 

Oh, it felt so good to get out there!  Boy it felt good!

Where did I go?

Just wasted some time reading my blog posts from 2005! 

When I ran, and tramped, and swam, and mountain biked!

Where the heck did that girl go?!  She sounds adventurous and cool, not lame ass and lazy like me.

It's time that that girl came back!

Yes it is.  YES  IT  IS!

So the best motivator for me, is an earlier version of me.  Who knew?!

Tossing and biffing and chucking

I'm trying to rid the clutter of our house a little at a time.  Note that 99.9% of the 'junk' is my junk, but I'm frequently hassling TJL about his 0.1% - poor guy!

So I'm tossing out stuff as I come across it, kinda.  Like today, vitamins and health supplements that just sit in the pantry, taking up space and not been taken - out they went!  Even the non-expired ones!  We don't take them, and if we change our minds at some later point where we want to take them ... we'll just buy some more.

And I threw out the soap rack in the bathroom.  It sat, by the sink, with the soap on it, slowly rusting away.  The sink has built in soap holders, in which the rusting soap holder sat.  Why?  WHY?  In fact I'm not even sure why I have a soap at the bathroom sink as we have a liquid soap in there, and most hand washing is done in the laundry tub.  So yes, out went the soap rack.  And an empty deodorant can of TJL's.  And a full deodorant can of TJL's that had lost its sprayer thingee, that has sat in the drawer for years waiting, for what?  Waiting for what?  It's in the bin now anyway.

And I finally sorted out my magazine pile.  A huge pile to pass on to my mother, a small pile that went into the recycling bin, and the smallest pile left for me to finish reading.

Baby steps, baby steps.

Stuck on the same weight for far too long

 When I met TJL I was super fit, and looking mighty fine.  Cue 8+ years later and I am a dumpy frumpy dingleberry.

I've tried to lose weight for 7 years, pretty pathetic attempts to be sure, but you know, it's always going around in my head - you need to lose weight, you need to lose weight, you need to lose weight.

And then I tell myself life is too short, I love food, I may as well enjoy myself.

But I don't enjoy myself.  I'm not sad, or unhappy, or depressed, but I could be so much happier if I lost the weight.  Why?  Because I would have so much more self confidence, and energy, and so much less guilt!

Oh the guilt!  Am I really enjoying my food when I feel so guilty eating it?

AM  I  REALLY  ENJOYING  MY  FOOD  WHEN  I  FEEL  SO  GUILTY  EATING  IT?

I also feel guilty about how, when I was skinny, I used to judge overweight people.  Ugh.  Talk about karma!

So weight loss attempt 9 gabillionzillion here I come.

Been a long time between postings

So yeah, not sure if I will get back into it, or not.  I keep a handwritten journal, so a lot of my junky thinking gets written down there, but I've been feeling keen to reconnect with the big wide world, so who knows.

It's just a matter of finding blogs I like to follow, and see if they inspire me, or not.

I also have to sort my head out.  I was surfing the web for 'no kids' blogs.  Then I was checking out home decorating blogs, but I'd scan through first, and if they had kids I'd leave.  Which is stupid.  Just because people have kids doesn't mean that's all there is to them, just like not having kids is not all there is to me.  Judging much?!  Hahaha.

And as I no longer do 'social media' - no Twitter, no Facebook, still Instagram, I need to get some connection somewhere.

So yes.  Time to explore.  Time to grow.  Time to find myself.  Again.

The decision to signify the end

So we had pretty much decided that yep, we are done trying for kids anymore, we are definitely happy to progress as a couple. The end.

The final, final decision is to have our remaining embryo destroyed.  I have the paperwork, it's all signed, and yet I still hesitate.  Crazy!  I'm 43.  I don't want a baby!  I like our freedom!  Yet there is still a small part of me that thinks, what if ...

I had asked about donating the embryo, assuming there would be a waiting list of people want one.  But no.  We'd have to do TWO psych evaluations, plus then the couple have to choose us, we have to choose them, such a huge rigmarole, so I said, nup, destroy it.

I can understand needing our info regarding health etc, and I'd be happy for my email address to be provided should the embryo become a child and they wanted to know about me (I've had the same email addy for 20 years so unlikely to ever change), but I'm just not going to spend the time faffing about with having the embryo adopted, which is essentially how they treat it.

I do get that it's probably a lot more complicated than I think it should be, but still, I do feel a bit guilty that there is someone somewhere out there that might want it.

Calving. It's only 10 days away ... eeeeek

Well our season kicks off in about 10 days when we are due to start calving.  I am so not looking forward to it.  I get stressed out with worry so much, it's just stupid.  TJL can't understand why I stress out about it, I have been on farm for 6 years now, this will by my 7th calving, but I really don't enjoy it.  I don't like taking calves off of their dams.  I don't like sending bobby calves on the trucks at 4 days old.  And I don't like worrying that my calves might get sick.

Ugh.

My happiest day is when calving is finished.  So that will be in about 10 or so weeks from now, all things going well.

Apparently I over think things.  All.  The.  Time.  It is rather tiring, and I end up sitting on my arse avoiding life rather than living it.

Avoiding life by watching Pride and Prejudice.  Again.  And again.  I just love Mr Darcy.  Poor TJL has me wanting him to dress in tails and lacy cuffs.

He won't.

My current obsession with the past has me hand writing in cursive these days.  And I've started looking for fountain pens.

I really think I a bit on the crackers side of crazy.